She always wanted me to fix things

[phil2015]

Hey

Another question regarding my recent ex, something I can't get my head around.....

Throughout the relationship she would seemingly self-jeapordize things, ie get stressed for nothing/cause arguments etc
Even when things were going well and we were having a good time. I've considered the possibility she was testing me, but I don't but this explanation.

She then expected me to 'fix' and resolve the situation to make everything hunky- dory again. I was happy to do this for 8 months but it started to feel pointless if someone is going to constantly F things up.

Has anyone encountered this type of woman before?

Corey Wayne describe this as passive aggressive or BPD behaviour

PS - I'm feeling bad/guilty still for losing my temper with her and telling her some home truths before we split up. She blamed the fact she left me on this fact alone

 

[AlphaNate]

Yes, every one of us.

Understand that it's not your job to fix women; just enjoy them or dump them.

You don't owe anyone anything.

 

[phil2015]

She hadnt been in a relationship for 2 years.

Said she had been interested I me from afar for 2 years...

I don't get why she would purposely scuttle a golden opportunity...

 

[AlphaNate]

Don't try to understand it, because you'll never know. Women are very emotional. Don't try to apply rational thinking to the emotion they exhibit with reckless abandon.

 

[JonnyD123]

Bruh, let me tell you... I'm going through the same sh*t. I believe this is all learned behavior at some point either in her childhood, or past experiences and relationships. I truly believe the number one most important thing in any relationship is how two people solve issues. Some questions that might help:

What's her relationship like w/ her parents?

Are her parents still together?

How do her parents resolve issues?

How did she resolve issues w/ her ex's?

Does she openly talk about things, or bottle them up?

What I learned w/ my recent ex is she never learned how to solve problems because her parents never fought, or if they did it was behind closed doors. She was also one to "sleep on" an issue, which really bothered me. What I found worked was knowing what the issue was at least, and then giving her space until she was ready. Just some examples.

As far as your temper id say you're very passionate, like me, but it's also very unealthy. You can't control what someone else does or says, you can only control how you react to it, and overreacting is not attractive to women.

If you can find the answers to these questions it might put things into perspective, but like others mentioned above, it's not your responsibility to fix things if she's not willing to.

 

[fastlife]

Yup, I've met some otherwise really cool girls who just can't (healthily) do intimate relationships & can't cope with casual, commitment-free relationships. Too bad, really; but you start recognizing it more and more quickly each time & get to the point where you can accept that if you have boundaries & self-respect these relationship won't last very long--and either avoid them entirely or just enjoy the good until the inevitable sell-by date.

Almost always correlates to parental issues. Expect her to get involved longterm with a guy who seems super 'beta' after you--and expect that you'll probably be given the opportunity to kick it with her at some point during that relationship, since she'll have her security needs met externally. Whether you choose to or not is a matter of your principles.

But in this case, you're still emotionally invested in her & I'd just go straight NC. When you meet women with high self-esteem (super rare) it'll be like night & day.

 

[phil2015]

Bruh, let me tell you... I'm going through the same sh*t.

Infuriating isn't it! Don't understand why she would throw things away....She had things made for her

What's her relationship like w/ her parents?

Dad walked out before she was born. Her mum remarried but he walked out on her when my ex was 4 years old

Are her parents still together?

Nope

How do her parents resolve issues?

Not applicable.

When her mum remarried she used to walk the dog at 3am to see if she could 'catch' her husband out with another woman.

How did she resolve issues w/ her ex's?

They walked out. She walked out. Split up/on off sometimes weeks/month's apart. Fought, argued, screamed. She had been physically violent at some point to all of them.

(I Tried Corey Wayne's 'talk to me, tell me what's wrong' advice here.....It didn't work, I don't think that type of communication applies to this kind of person. Her reaction was to go to a differebt room with her earphones in, tell me to fck off and stonewall me. She would later confess she had wanted me to simultaneously give her a big hug, whilst fvcking off)


Does she openly talk about things, or bottle them up?

Bottles everything up to an anti-social level. Her close friends and colleagues couldn't even understand her. He Has told me she had been more open with me than anyone, but that was after a lot of Corey Wayne style questioning. She carried some resentment towards me for opening up to me. She didn't know why

What I learned w/ my recent ex is she never learned how to solve problems because her parents never fought, or if they did it was behind closed doors. She was also one to "sleep on" an issue, which really bothered me. What I found worked was knowing what the issue was at least, and then giving her space until she was ready. Just some examples.

As far as your temper id say you're very passionate, like me, but it's also very unealthy. You can't control what someone else does or says, you can only control how you react to it, and overreacting is not attractive to women.

I can counton one hand the number of times I got angry or frustrated around her, yet after 8 months of pointless argueing and being accused of cheating I think I did ok. You're right I am very passionate, but I have a set of 5 year old twins, manage a team of salesmen, have some friends with serious issues so I like to think I'm patient and pretty understanding. Believe me, I had the patience of Job with this girl

If you can find the answers to these questions it might put things into perspective, but like others mentioned above, it's not your responsibility to fix things if she's not willing to.

 

[JonnyD123]

Run.
Run and don't look back.

Editited for some more practical advice: she's damaged goods brother. It's not your responsibility to "fix" her, she's not going to change, believe me. She'll continue this until you spiral into nothing and doubt your entire f*cking existance. Please hear my advice because I'm struggling right now too. And that's only because once I found a way out, I went further back into the rabbit hole into her drama. Go full NC stat.

 

[phil2015]

Expect her to get involved longterm with a guy who seems super 'beta' after you-

True. She told me I was the most naturally Alpha guy she dated. She picked up on this, ie body language, demeanour before we had even met

you'll probably be given the opportunity to kick it with her at some point during that relationship, since she'll have her security needs met externally

How do you mean? People keep saying she will contact me at some point but I'm inquisitive as to why she would do this

But in this case, you're still emotionally invested in her & I'd just go straight NC. When you meet women with high self-esteem (super rare) it'll be like night & day.

I'm looking forwards to this! Next one will seem much more fun and easier to get along with

 

[randalljohnson]

Yup, I've met some otherwise really cool girls who just can't (healthily) do intimate relationships & can't cope with casual, commitment-free relationships. Too bad, really; but you start recognizing it more and more quickly each time & get to the point where you can accept that if you have boundaries & self-respect these relationship won't last very long--and either avoid them entirely or just enjoy the good until the inevitable sell-by date.

Almost always correlates to parental issues. Expect her to get involved longterm with a guy who seems super 'beta' after you--and expect that you'll probably be given the opportunity to kick it with her at some point during that relationship, since she'll have her security needs met externally. Whether you choose to or not is a matter of your principles.

But in this case, you're still emotionally invested in her & I'd just go straight NC. When you meet women with high self-esteem (super rare) it'll be like night & day.

Well which is it? Do women who have had plenty of crappy endings with alphas "settle" for somebody who's very beta or not? Some seem to say they do, some say they simply REBOUND with these guys

 

[phil2015]

Well which is it? Do women who have had plenty of crappy endings with alphas "settle" for somebody who's very beta or not? Some seem to say they do, some say they simply REBOUND with these guys

Good point. Though I don't think of myself as Alpha or anything, she did leave me when I refused point blank to put up with any more of her crap

 

[MrAddiction]

Run.
Run and don't look back.

Editited for some more practical advice: she's damaged goods brother. It's not your responsibility to "fix" her, she's not going to change, believe me. She'll continue this until you spiral into nothing and doubt your entire f*cking existance. Please hear my advice because I'm struggling right now too. And that's only because once I found a way out, I went further back into the rabbit hole into her drama. Go full NC stat.

Absoltutely right.
This Girl is Cluster B or has at least severe Daddy issues. Which Franklin Said does mit alter the way you should react: Run!
Read the thread on Daddy issues made by bradd80
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/the-most-toxic-damaging-type-of-woman-of-them-all.239396/

 

[Serenity]

Some people creates problems when no other problems are around. I think it's because they get restless combined with a lack of proper coping for that, like having a hobby or something.

Only thing you should feel guilty about is to not just end it before she did. I mean if something about her pisses you off that much, then why not just end it right there?

 

[fastlife]

How do you mean? People keep saying she will contact me at some point but I'm inquisitive as to why she would do this

I'm looking forwards to this! Next one will seem much more fun and easier to get along with

Dualistic mating strategy. She'll have security & a safe haven from which to pursue exciting sex. You broke up with her--your validation will be particularly valuable to appease her low self-esteem. Again, in your case, I probably wouldn't bother--especially if you suspect she's full blown Cluster B.

For HSE women you'll need to do the inner work & have your **** together--or else a relationship not based on validation/devalidation will feel super boring & uninteresting.

Well which is it? Do women who have had plenty of crappy endings with alphas "settle" for somebody who's very beta or not? Some seem to say they do, some say they simply REBOUND with these guys

See above. Dualistic mating strategy. If she is insecure or necessitous, then the security & validation from a beta will be valuable enough for her to possibly keep him around, so long as he doesn't interfere with her access to guys with better genes. If you continue to have pathetic boundaries you might even be lucky enough for her to suck you dry (And not the fun kind of being sucked dry).

 

[wifehunter]

Tell her to stop breaking stuff!!!

 

[phil2015]

security & validation from a beta ).

Would a beta be exes and orbiters? Clueless randoms etc?

I'm not sure she will be in contact again, I chased her for a while after we broke up so that will have given her an EGO boost, plus I genuinely was still in love with her. The other week however, I told her I didnt love her any more as I knew she was struggling with things. After that I contacted her about getting her furniture from my house, and she text me in Tuesday saying she didnt want it. I told her thanks and we have no reason to contact eachother again and went NC immediately .

She hasn't been in contact since so I don't think she missed me.

I don't expect to ever hear from her again

 

[fastlife]

Would a beta be exes and orbiters? Clueless randoms etc?

Possibly. They're supply & security at any rate. Note--there could also be alphas who just want to get in her pants in that mix--but supply is supply. Validation is validation.

I'm not sure she will be in contact again, I chased her for a while after we broke up so that will have given her an EGO boost, plus I genuinely was still in love with her. The other week however, I told her I didnt love her any more as I knew she was struggling with things. After that I contacted her about getting her furniture from my house, and she text me in Tuesday saying she didnt want it. I told her thanks and we have no reason to contact eachother again and went NC immediately .

She hasn't been in contact since so I don't think she missed me.

I don't expect to ever hear from her again

You're probably right, given your addendum. I've been complete NC with my BPDex for 2 years; haven't heard a peep. Not the worst outcome, by any means. But still don't be surprised if you hear from her later. She could be too proud, too insecure, or whatever to ever act on her instincts; you might be too sure of your boundaries to ever be good supply (if she really is Cluster-B). But even then, be prepared. Given what you wrote about your relationship history, I'd stay NC even then. You gotta focus on yourself, cause you still have work to do.

 

[phil2015]

Possibly. They're supply & security at any rate. Note--there could also be alphas who just want to get in her pants in that mix--but supply is supply. Validation is validation.



You're probably right, given your addendum. I've been complete NC with my BPDex for 2 years; haven't heard a peep. Not the worst outcome, by any means. But still don't be surprised if you hear from her later. She could be too proud, too insecure, or whatever to ever act on her instincts; you might be too sure of your boundaries to ever be good supply (if she really is Cluster-B). But even then, be prepared. Given what you wrote about your relationship history, I'd stay NC even then. You gotta focus on yourself, cause you still have work to do.

A couple of interesting side notes.....

- Before me she had never had a proper orgasm, ie men just lasting 5 minutes. However, I could literally make her cvm 10 times.....I wondering of this would ever count as me being a supply, and due to competitive experiences with new men for validation, they would all seem crp by comparison. Especially if theyre 5 minutes whilst drunk

- Her name is Samantha. The last thing that happened before she removed me from Facebook was change her name from Samantha to Sam.

She went from her Feminine to Masculine when she became single....

 

[Billtx49]

- Her name is Samantha. The last thing that happened before she removed me from Facebook was change her name from Samantha to Sam.

She went from her Feminine to Masculine when she became single....

Prime examples of someone that's unstable big time there. No sense of identity is what that sounds like.
Constant chaos is impossible to fix as you now know. A full time job. There are better things to do in life.

 

[phil2015]

"No sense of identity is what that sounds like."


That fits in with the Narcissist mask theory

I know it's only a small change, but even though it was weeks ago it stood out to me