sex with ex-wants to be "friends" w "rules"

[tomato]

PLEASE HELP -sex with ex-wants to be "friends"

So had two really good dates with ex after 8 week NC - end of 2nd f-close.

Was really good, she was loving it. But then says its going to "confuse her" and make her "attached" so wants to put down rules to be friends - - because of this only did it once (well) I said this morning before she could say that that we shouldn't see each other anymore - essentially push pull right? Thinking NC is better than me seeing her as a friend - and could get her in the chasing frame? She says she misses being close to someone like she is with me. She cried a few times she was so upset about us breaking up (this was last night - before I initiated NC) - very confusing since she was the one that broke us up!?? (she gave vague reasons such as "we want different things from life" - although I've now demonstrated that not to be the case so she corrected herself and said "wanted")

She asked WHY?? Why dont you think we should see each other anymore - what reason can you give? I gave a few like "it will stop you from getting hurt"(imply she is the one that will fall for me) and "I just dont think its good"

She seemed kind of upset about it - "why cant we just be friends?"

How would you respond to that?

Its pretty obvious I dont want to be downgraded to being her friend.

I just realised I basically explicitly stated NC - is that a BIG mistake? If it is, why and what can I do to repair it? Shoud I have just said yeh I'm cool with being friends - and then just gamed the **** out of her?

 

[Fela Kuti]

it doesn't matter whether you state NC explicitly or pretend to be okay with being friends. why should it matter? the important thing is to go NC for your happiness. I prefer stating it though so she won't contact you again as it will make it harder for you to forget her.

 

[tomato]

it doesn't matter whether you state NC explicitly or pretend to be okay with being friends. why should it matter? the important thing is to go NC for your happiness. I prefer stating it though so she won't contact you again as it will make it harder for you to forget her.

I want her to re initiate though!

 

[Fela Kuti]

I want her to re initiate though!

you mean you want to be her bf again? say, "don't contact me unless you wanna talk something about our relationship."

 

[pdx1138]

It's a lost cause.

Just move on. If you try to make anything work, be prepared for disappointment. I've been there and done that.

 

[topcat2001]

agree its a lost cause but i know its hard for the OP to be logical. the only thing that can help is complete nc. see if after 1 year of complete nc and dating other chicks you still want her.

 

[tomato]

GUYS !!

Stop being so ****ing pessimistic - All the last month people have been telling me I wouldnt get as far as I have - and last night it all worked perfectly!

Where is the lost cause - this is clear progress in the right direction - please stop being such downers on this - if I'd listened to you before - I wouldnt have made it this far!

Give me positive advice please - it has been done before!

please only give input that moves us in that direction, thank you.

 

[Zodiac]

Was really good, she was loving it. But then says its going to "confuse her" and make her "attached" so wants to put down rules to be friends - - because of this only did it once (well) I said this morning before she could say that that we shouldn't see each other anymore - essentially push pull right?

This is her telling you that she wants to stop this but doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she hopes you'll be the bigger one and take the hint before she has to hurt you. Consider yourself lucky as most women just stop accepting dates and hope you take the hint and she is being as direct as women are programed to do.

Thinking NC is better than me seeing her as a friend - and could get her in the chasing frame? She says she misses being close to someone like she is with me. She cried a few times she was so upset about us breaking up (this was last night - before I initiated NC) - very confusing since she was the one that broke us up!?? (she gave vague reasons such as "we want different things from life" - although I've now demonstrated that not to be the case so she corrected herself and said "wanted")

So congrats you are the emotional tampon now. She regards you as her brother due to these actions.

She asked WHY?? Why dont you think we should see each other anymore - what reason can you give? I gave a few like "it will stop you from getting hurt"(imply she is the one that will fall for me) and "I just dont think its good"

She seemed kind of upset about it - "why cant we just be friends?"

How would you respond to that?

Its pretty obvious I dont want to be downgraded to being her friend.

I just realised I basically explicitly stated NC - is that a BIG mistake? If it is, why and what can I do to repair it? Shoud I have just said yeh I'm cool with being friends - and then just gamed the **** out of her?

I'd stop talking to her as all she wants is attention. She doesn't want sex or a relationship. All she wants is to talk to you and have you talk back while you go shopping or out to eat.... please tell me you aren't shopping with her or going out to eat with no action. If so this really is more than a lost cause: its the friend zone.

As for the bold: you cant stop a woman from having the feelings she has. You just have to move on man. Its hard and since she is your oneitis its gonna be rough but man you need to move on.

Give me positive advice please - it has been done before!

And it what... fail again? Take that as a sign man.

please only give input that moves us in that direction, thank you.

Then you should leave SoSuave. This site is mostly for guys that want to play the field by spinning plates and also teaches men the beauty of not being tied down to one woman because you don't have to be as you are in control of your love life. If you want the advice that you crave then you made the mistake of posting on a forum such as this one.

As DJs, we are only going to give you advice that has worked for us plate spinners as the concept of monogamy for most DJs doesn't equate. Seems like you are a bit of an AFC and have placed this girl on a pedestal along with the a fore mentioned oneitis to boot.

Again as may people have said: this is a lost cause as you just said in the quoted material:

it has been done before!

And as I said above: HAS FAILED BEFORE.

I know you will post back to me telling me off or whatnot but honestly man: the more you chase the more she will run away from you until she notices someone else that tickles her fancy and then because you are her friend she'll think her friend tomato will be SO HAPPY for her.

I hope you move onward but in the case you don't: Good luck as its gonna be a series of hooking up very few times/leaving each other for better things until she moves on with her life or you do. I'm hoping for the latter man.

EDIT: I just looked through your old threads which pretty has at least 8 threads devoted to your ex. Yeah you seem to be an AFC with oneitis alright. Hopefully one day you'll see the light and how this woman has you EXACTLY where she wants you. If in those at least 8 threads of yours you cant get the advice you want either a) You are on the wrong site or b) You are trying to pound a square peg through a round hole. I'm thinking the latter.

 

[Rubato]

Dude. You had sex with the girl again and you can't handle it casually. When I have sex with a girl, I don't get on here and write a thread about it unless it does something to mess with me.

It doesn't matter whether she's being honest with you or not. It doesn't matter if she can handle it or not. It doesn't matter what she says!!

There are 6 billion people in the world and more than half of them are women. So you have more than 3 billion other people to chose from. And yet you are stuck on ONE! Does she have magical powers or a money tree in her backyard she's offered to give you seeds from? I understand what it's like to get hung-up on a girl.. believe me, read some of my past threads. But take advice from someone who's been down the road already, this isn't worth it.

The benefit you will obtain from continuing to see/f*ck this girl are petty compared to the psychological and emotional damage you will incur. The scale is not even! Look back on your situation, take as much from it as you can to learn from, and walk away... or run!

Everyone else will tell you to take the time you've spent obsessing/spending with this girl and use it to meet others... they're right!


Approach. Open. Meet.

Spin plates. Have sex. Get options.

Why continue in this path of misery? Do you think something will suddenly happen to transform the situation in to a heavenly paradise? If so, you are quite wrong!

 

[tomato]

This is her telling you that she wants to stop this but doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she hopes you'll be the bigger one and take the hint before she has to hurt you. Consider yourself lucky as most women just stop accepting dates and hope you take the hint and she is being as direct as women are programed to do.



So congrats you are the emotional tampon now. She regards you as her brother due to these actions.



I'd stop talking to her as all she wants is attention. She doesn't want sex or a relationship. All she wants is to talk to you and have you talk back while you go shopping or out to eat.... please tell me you aren't shopping with her or going out to eat with no action. If so this really is more than a lost cause: its the friend zone.

As for the bold: you cant stop a woman from having the feelings she has. You just have to move on man. Its hard and since she is your oneitis its gonna be rough but man you need to move on.



And it what... fail again? Take that as a sign man.



Then you should leave SoSuave. This site is mostly for guys that want to play the field by spinning plates and also teaches men the beauty of not being tied down to one woman because you don't have to be as you are in control of your love life. If you want the advice that you crave then you made the mistake of posting on a forum such as this one.

As DJs, we are only going to give you advice that has worked for us plate spinners as the concept of monogamy for most DJs doesn't equate. Seems like you are a bit of an AFC and have placed this girl on a pedestal along with the a fore mentioned oneitis to boot.

Again as may people have said: this is a lost cause as you just said in the quoted material:



And as I said above: HAS FAILED BEFORE.

I know you will post back to me telling me off or whatnot but honestly man: the more you chase the more she will run away from you until she notices someone else that tickles her fancy and then because you are her friend she'll think her friend tomato will be SO HAPPY for her.

I hope you move onward but in the case you don't: Good luck as its gonna be a series of hooking up very few times/leaving each other for better things until she moves on with her life or you do. I'm hoping for the latter man.

EDIT: I just looked through your old threads which pretty has at least 8 threads devoted to your ex. Yeah you seem to be an AFC with oneitis alright. Hopefully one day you'll see the light and how this woman has you EXACTLY where she wants you. If in those at least 8 threads of yours you cant get the advice you want either a) You are on the wrong site or b) You are trying to pound a square peg through a round hole. I'm thinking the latter.

THanks

I am trying to pound a square peg through - yes - I think DJ techniques can be used for relationships or relationship salvage - they are certainly better than just standard AFC techniques. I can assure you I am not anywhere close to "average" by most measures, I am not "frustrated" - I see a problem and I am trying to fix it using the best techniques out there and so far they have worked very well - f-close on second date w hb8/9 - i have what I want in fact it was ****ing awesome - she was on fire!

As I said - the last thing I did was tell her I didnt want to see her anymore and that she shouldnt contact me - pretty un - desperate behaviour I think - I'm not chasing am I!- so not really "chump". - I know exactly what I am dealing with - I know she is trying to play me - I am here to ask people that have recovered realtionships before about how they did it. It has been done - yes it has also failed - but it has also succeeded......

I have a confession to make I did go soft this eve and tell her she could tell me how she felt if she felt like it (because I told her she shouldnt contact me earlier ontop of not seeing each other

 

[Zodiac]

You really seem like you placed her on a pedestal and are looking for any sign, no matter how small, to justify why you shouldn't move on.

 

[tomato]

You really seem like you placed her on a pedestal and are looking for any sign, no matter how small, to justify why you shouldn't move on.

since when is red hot sex something small on this site!?

 

[Viagra4Soul]

I have a confession to make I did go soft this eve and tell her she could tell me how she felt if she felt like it (because I told her she shouldnt contact me earlier ontop of not seeing each other

Tomato: I respect your honesty and I feel ya. But stop justifying, and learn.

What you did above is tell her your OK with being the friend - the emotional tampon. You broke frame and your own NC rule, and let her in. Your strategy is wrecked - and now she knows it. If you were a parent, and you'd done this to your child, your child would now know that NOTHING you said was going to be backed up by any kind of real consequence, except a sullen pout from you in their direction. You have lost control.

The future, as regards you, is her decision now. You are out of it. Instituting NC again from this point is totally worthless (you already told her that was your strategy, and she knows you can't keep it!). Your balls are her's.

Approach. Open. Meet.

Spin plates. Have sex. Get options.

Why continue in this path of misery? Do you think something will suddenly happen to transform the situation in to a heavenly paradise? If so, you are quite wrong!

^^^ this..

 

[Zodiac]

since when is red hot sex something small on this site!?

Since DJ's can get red hot sex without bowing down and worshiping the pedestal.

 

[tomato]

Tomato: I respect your honesty and I feel ya. But stop justifying, and learn.

What you did above is tell her your OK with being the friend - the emotional tampon. You broke frame and your own NC rule, and let her in. Your strategy is wrecked - and now she knows it. If you were a parent, and you'd done this to your child, your child would now know that NOTHING you said was going to be backed up by any kind of real consequence, except a sullen pout from you in their direction. You have lost control.

The future, as regards you, is her decision now. You are out of it. Instituting NC again from this point is totally worthless (you already told her that was your strategy, and she knows you can't keep it!). Your balls are her's.
^^^ this..

what I want to say ("she said "im confused need to think"):

"There's nothing to think about, the sex was awesome, but we're not seeing each other any more, thats it"

Since I already broke NC (I only said it to say she could tell me how she feels not that I would talk to her - I didn't talk to her - just sent her a text) Couldn't I salvage something by just blowing it off with a ****y comedy remark like - I'm only saying that cause the sex was hot and that we still cant talk - just that I'll listen?

I know that this is a situation thing now, eg when I go to visit her family in the summer (I knew them long before I knew her) and we are in the same house - I can tell we will go back to how it was before (UNLESS there is another guy).

Surely the key to seeming not to care about her here is to not take it seriously - rather than being all serious and awkward "we cant talk" is really weak I think - shows its affecting me more than her (which it isnt - I could talk to her all day and I'd be fine - just dont want to because it will FZ us)

Anyway- how about I take a very ****y cool approach - aloof -not have any convo's with her till she actually wants to talk properly.

She sent me a text saying "I'm just confused about my feelings right now" Yes it seems she wants to say "I am not sure about you and I'll tell you to come or go when I'M ready" - that is ****ing **** I know - it will kill attraction - how can I cut that so it stops? (not interested if all you have to say is there is no way - I know there is - only actual suggestions with reasoning please)

 

[Fela Kuti]

cut what? what needs to stop?

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Spin plates bro. Trust me here.

 

[tomato]

cut what? what needs to stop?

Her thinking that I am waiting around to hear what she feels and am happy as a backup plan. I have not hidden the fact that I have the opportunity to move on if need be.

I get the feeling that if I wasnt holding back so much - like you all suggest not seeing her - I would be making more progress. Seriously I have clearly made good progress here right?

- whats wrong with hanging out again like we have been doing - and just letting things develop that way - I mean it could become a FB relationship at first just for the fun of it and then I could be open to it developing into something else, or not? Wouldnt that be a better strategy than just not talking to her - not talking is the ultimate way of moving on to indifference - I did the whole NC thing for 8 weeks - I think the time has come for action. I took action and made progress.....what action can I take now for more progress - how about we just carry on as we have been so far?

I did take the drastic NC action after a really good night - isnt there anything to be said for momentum of a relationship?

Shouldnt I be riding off the high of the night before last? - Why break the flow?