thederekeffect1
Master Don Juan
I was reflecting back on my past relationships last night, and I thought back to the last relationship I had before making the decision to change my life around. The girl that opened my eyes.
One thing that I've never been able to get over and forgive myself for is how I handled myself at the end of the relationship. At the end of the relationship, I completely and litterally lost my sanity. This ended with me getting drunk one night and doing something that I still can't get over. I get flashbacks and nightmares about that night. A lot of people around this area know what I did and I lost a lot of friends because of it. But I don't want the whole world against me, so I'll plead the 5th about what I did. Especially now that I have more control over myself and I've learned from my mistake. (dont worry shes still alive lol)
What I've been trying to figure out is what lead me to that point. What driving force took a person who was so calm, and relaxed without a care in the world and drove him into insanity.
The only thing I can think of is that I was being severly manipulated to a point where it was messing with my emotional health. I knew I was being manipulated, but I didn't want to admit it and/or do anything about it.
I was the luckiest man in the world!
It was my final year of high school. Because of some poor choices I made in the past, I graduated 2 years late. I had the most beautiful girl in the school and I would have done anything for her. And I did. I did so much for her. I was the happiest guy in the world. I was finally on the right track with my life. I was going to graduate with a 3.0 (something rare for students who spent an extra year or two in high school). I was making plans for college. I had friends. I had the most beautiful girlfriend in the school!
Every night, she'd tell me how much she loved me. How she could never leave me. How she'd never cheat on me. How she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I'd say the same things back to her. I was her tamed lion. She could show me off to her girlfriends. "He'll do it for me. *gives me puppy eyes* Right, Derek?" ... "*gives puppy eyes* Will you pick this heavy box up for us?" (...and for some reason, I liked it). We were even nominated for the schools couple of the year.
Everytime I made the right decision, she told me it was wrong!
She told me about this guy that made her perform oral sex on him. The problem was that he still hung around her and neither of us wanted him there. She was too weak to get him out of her life. So, she had me do it. I asked her if she wanted me to do it physically. She said she wanted me to do it that way. I wasn't about to do it without reason. So, when I got a good enough reason to kick his ass... I did. And I told him not to come around her anymore. And he didn't.
A few months later, I find out that they're hanging out behind my back. I'm thinking that he's still coming around and that she's too weak to tell him to go away. I find out later that it was her choice to hang out with him... I've questioned her a million times. Trying to get it out of her that she lied to me about him (he never forced her into anything). She keeps telling me she's not lying. Yet she keeps going behind my back and hanging out with him. And it's her choice. On top of that, he wanted to press assault charges on me. And for what? My reason for kicking his ass was for her. Because she wanted me to. And now she's hanging out with the guy? And she tells me, "you didn't have to kick his ass!". Later on, she even deny's that she ever told me to kick his ass. But she did tell me to kick his ass! ... The sad part is that I should have broken up with her right there. But I didn't.
Then there was another time that we were arguing. A teacher walked by and stopped the arguement. I just looked at the teacher and without saying a word, I walked away. I left the school. I come back the next day and I'm in the principals office for "threatning to hit a teacher". But it wasn't the teacher that said that I threatened her. It was my girlfriend... And no matter how many times I try to tell them that even though I was angry, I never threatened to hit ANYONE... They wouldn't listen. And I was suspended. Because of my girlfriend. I called her about it and she denied everything.
Thanks to my girlfriend, I was facing assault charges, and my education was ruined (luckely they let me come back). That STILL wasn't enough to make me leave her.
All of my friends were pissed at me because they were friends with her ex-boyfriend who she left for me. And I told them all to **** off because she told me to. And I was willing to give up anything as long as she was with me.
Around the end, I had the chance to cheat on her. Me and one of her friends got drunk together. We started making out. Her friend had her shirt off. And we were going to have sex. But I thought of her at the last minute and stopped. Telling the girl that we can't because I love my girlfriend too much. And I told my girlfriend... I told her about how I stopped. Thinking it would make her happy that I stopped because I thought of her. But it didn't. I was still wrong. So I had to change the whole story and get the girl to lie for me so that she wouldnt break up with me. The story became that we didnt even make out.
So many things like this happened. And one night we all got drunk and I did something. I couldnt take it anymore. But I shouldnt have did what I did.
I dont know how to get over what happened that night. It happened awhile ago but its still fresh in my mind. I still have flashbacks.
One thing that I've never been able to get over and forgive myself for is how I handled myself at the end of the relationship. At the end of the relationship, I completely and litterally lost my sanity. This ended with me getting drunk one night and doing something that I still can't get over. I get flashbacks and nightmares about that night. A lot of people around this area know what I did and I lost a lot of friends because of it. But I don't want the whole world against me, so I'll plead the 5th about what I did. Especially now that I have more control over myself and I've learned from my mistake. (dont worry shes still alive lol)
What I've been trying to figure out is what lead me to that point. What driving force took a person who was so calm, and relaxed without a care in the world and drove him into insanity.
The only thing I can think of is that I was being severly manipulated to a point where it was messing with my emotional health. I knew I was being manipulated, but I didn't want to admit it and/or do anything about it.
I was the luckiest man in the world!
It was my final year of high school. Because of some poor choices I made in the past, I graduated 2 years late. I had the most beautiful girl in the school and I would have done anything for her. And I did. I did so much for her. I was the happiest guy in the world. I was finally on the right track with my life. I was going to graduate with a 3.0 (something rare for students who spent an extra year or two in high school). I was making plans for college. I had friends. I had the most beautiful girlfriend in the school!
Every night, she'd tell me how much she loved me. How she could never leave me. How she'd never cheat on me. How she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I'd say the same things back to her. I was her tamed lion. She could show me off to her girlfriends. "He'll do it for me. *gives me puppy eyes* Right, Derek?" ... "*gives puppy eyes* Will you pick this heavy box up for us?" (...and for some reason, I liked it). We were even nominated for the schools couple of the year.
Everytime I made the right decision, she told me it was wrong!
She told me about this guy that made her perform oral sex on him. The problem was that he still hung around her and neither of us wanted him there. She was too weak to get him out of her life. So, she had me do it. I asked her if she wanted me to do it physically. She said she wanted me to do it that way. I wasn't about to do it without reason. So, when I got a good enough reason to kick his ass... I did. And I told him not to come around her anymore. And he didn't.
A few months later, I find out that they're hanging out behind my back. I'm thinking that he's still coming around and that she's too weak to tell him to go away. I find out later that it was her choice to hang out with him... I've questioned her a million times. Trying to get it out of her that she lied to me about him (he never forced her into anything). She keeps telling me she's not lying. Yet she keeps going behind my back and hanging out with him. And it's her choice. On top of that, he wanted to press assault charges on me. And for what? My reason for kicking his ass was for her. Because she wanted me to. And now she's hanging out with the guy? And she tells me, "you didn't have to kick his ass!". Later on, she even deny's that she ever told me to kick his ass. But she did tell me to kick his ass! ... The sad part is that I should have broken up with her right there. But I didn't.
Then there was another time that we were arguing. A teacher walked by and stopped the arguement. I just looked at the teacher and without saying a word, I walked away. I left the school. I come back the next day and I'm in the principals office for "threatning to hit a teacher". But it wasn't the teacher that said that I threatened her. It was my girlfriend... And no matter how many times I try to tell them that even though I was angry, I never threatened to hit ANYONE... They wouldn't listen. And I was suspended. Because of my girlfriend. I called her about it and she denied everything.
Thanks to my girlfriend, I was facing assault charges, and my education was ruined (luckely they let me come back). That STILL wasn't enough to make me leave her.
All of my friends were pissed at me because they were friends with her ex-boyfriend who she left for me. And I told them all to **** off because she told me to. And I was willing to give up anything as long as she was with me.
Around the end, I had the chance to cheat on her. Me and one of her friends got drunk together. We started making out. Her friend had her shirt off. And we were going to have sex. But I thought of her at the last minute and stopped. Telling the girl that we can't because I love my girlfriend too much. And I told my girlfriend... I told her about how I stopped. Thinking it would make her happy that I stopped because I thought of her. But it didn't. I was still wrong. So I had to change the whole story and get the girl to lie for me so that she wouldnt break up with me. The story became that we didnt even make out.
So many things like this happened. And one night we all got drunk and I did something. I couldnt take it anymore. But I shouldnt have did what I did.
I dont know how to get over what happened that night. It happened awhile ago but its still fresh in my mind. I still have flashbacks.
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