Setting dates and communicating after the first date

[oldmanofthesea]

I've been reading a lot over the last few months and changing what I do accordingly.

One thing I have read is to never set subsequent dates while on a date (even at the end of the date). Always "leave them wondering". Wait about 3-5 days after your last date to reach out to them (assuming they don't reach out to you first) and ask them out again.

I think this has been working out worse for me than my previous nice-guy tactic of asking them out on another date toward the end of a successful first date, or the day after, and sending daily texts. Most recently, on a third date with a girl she came over to my place and we made dinner, watched a movie (she initiated cuddling immediately on the couch), drank wine, and made out with me on top of her. This was on a Wednesday night. I asked her what she was doing the upcoming weekend and based on the way she described her busy and detailed plans for the weekend, there was a conspicuous lack Saturday night plans. I assumed she was hinting that she was available Saturday night. I didn't bite and just said, "that sounds like a fun weekend". The night ended on a good note. I didn't contact her Thursday and on Friday afternoon she texted me with a funny story that happened to her that day. I responded with a couple messages back and forth then asked her when she was free to get together. She didn't respond. I waited until Monday to text her again and of course I didn't mention anything about her not getting back to me. She responded to me this time and I asked her if she was free Friday night. She said she would be out of town so I said how about Tuesday of the following week. She didn't reply. I gave it one last shot a full 8 or 9 days later - reached out, she responded quickly, just a few funny texts then asked her out again and no response. I'm moving on now.

There have been similar outcomes with a number of other women since I started doing the 3-5 day wait and lack of reaching out to them on a daily basis (I do respond if they text me but I keep it fun and very brief, playful, and tell them I have to step into a meeting or whatever but it was good to hear from them). It almost feels like they think I'm a player, or just not into them because I'm waiting those 3-5 days, and I'm not texting them every day, and this causes them to put the stop to things.

Any advice? Everything I read says women are more attracted to you if your feelings are unclear, you don't seem overly eager, and you appear to be busy and have options, but my experience is that it's making them lose interest quickly.

 

[Serenity]

This "trick" has been shared to death, they know the game. They know guys wait like that on purpose by now. Hitting them up next day is fine, if they're interested it won't cause any problems. Three days on the other hand is enough to categorize you as one of two types, either a player or a guy who's not so interested after all.

Being overly eager is indeed bad, but that type of advice is mostly meant for the obsessive and impatient guys who need to hold back a bit more. Not seeming interested enough is also bad, just as most guys won't bother with low interest women the opposite also applies.

You should not just merely appear to be busy, if you're going places in your life you'll actually be busy some of the time. You shouldn't appear to have options, you should have actual options. Having options isn't actually a significant factor that impresses women, it's mostly for your own good as you'll have a plan B if plan A fails. It's a way to avoid feeling sorry for yourself over A because you're busy with B.

Don't follow these hard rules. Adapt to the situation, if there's nothing standing in the way of talking next day then do it. It's obvious to all of them that waiting 3-5 days means you're playing games, and they are correct about that. Think about it, who's so busy they can't take a few minutes out of their day to text someone who interests them? Given that rhetorical question it's fvcking absurd to conclude anything other than the guy doing it on purpose, literally everyone have time to do that.

So I'd say that unless there's very special circumstances, then contact them AT MOST 2 days after a date. The next day is fine and a day is all the time that should be needed for anyone to decide whether they want to continue or not. Nobody spends 3 or more days to figure out if they want to back away or proceed, making it all the more absurd to wait and then suddenly reappear.

The advice you've gotten is based on good logic, make her wonder a bit, but 3-5 days is overdoing it. At the end of date is probably fine after you've already had a few dates and it's obvious to both you're enjoying it, I'd say it's too soon if it's the first few dates. Go for next day.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Thanks for the response. Everything you say makes sense.

I'm just a couple years outside of a divorce so all this is new to me. Watching and reading as much as I can and there is so much conflicting information out there. Since your advice seems sound, do you have any reading suggestions?

Thanks again.

 

[Stallionstud]

I also didn’t have much luck lately being patient. I literally went through your exact scenario. To the T almost. Started getting that “busy BS” from her, backed off re-engaged week later. More “busy BS”

Things are speeding up and interest is easily lost. I agree with the above posts. You could of banged her that night and she would of acted the same way. Terrrust me.

In the future I’m inviting a girl like that somewhere I’m going if she’s busy or not. They apparently need to know You expect more of them

 

[Serenity]

Thanks for the response. Everything you say makes sense.

I'm just a couple years outside of a divorce so all this is new to me. Watching and reading as much as I can and there is so much conflicting information out there. Since your advice seems sound, do you have any reading suggestions?

Thanks again.

There is indeed a lot of conflicting information out there. I don't have reading suggestions, I would rather suggest you go experiment. That way you'll know first hand who's giving good and bad advice. I learned through practice, the reading material was merely inspiration for what I should test next.

 

[sph21]

Any advice?

Use Anti-Dump's Machine (in DJ Bible) as a guide. Fifteen Lessons is also a good reading material. In the end, remember: Be not contained by formula. Stop seeing everything in black & white and you'll adapt better to any situation.

Be creative and do what works. Always be ready to improvise & be unpredictable.

By the way, I totally agree with Grewd. Ditch some advice that doesn't work in your life. This is how you discover what works and amplify your success.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've been looking through the DJ bible and like a lot of what I see.

 

[logicallefty]

OP, welcome to Sosuave. Lots of great replies already. One thing I will add goes along with what @Grewd said about the waiting game after a date. The three day wait thing can backfire with an already interested woman so we as men need other tools in the toolbox. Learning how to gauge a woman’s interest level while you were with her is a golden tool. With enough experience you will be able to tell if she is interested or not with a high degree of certainty. Then if she is, initiating that next date won’t likely do you any damage. But if you aren’t sure if she is interested then pulling back and giving her a few days to wonder what your interest is would be a better option. On the other hand If you are sure she is not interested then you might as well forget her at that point; do your pride a favor and don’t give her a chance to reject you. Go ghost. Then If you are wrong then she will contact you.

 

[MrWood]

random tip #856 - never say "when are you free to get together"

You knew she had a Saturday...
when you say "when are you free...?", this subconsiously says "im sitting on my ass with no options and I will take any time you can maybe spare with me" = her pvssy stops fizzing

 

[the_stig]

I've been reading a lot over the last few months and changing what I do accordingly.

One thing I have read is to never set subsequent dates while on a date (even at the end of the date). Always "leave them wondering". Wait about 3-5 days after your last date to reach out to them (assuming they don't reach out to you first) and ask them out again.

There have been similar outcomes with a number of other women since I started doing the 3-5 day wait and lack of reaching out to them on a daily basis (I do respond if they text me but I keep it fun and very brief, playful, and tell them I have to step into a meeting or whatever but it was good to hear from them). It almost feels like they think I'm a player, or just not into them because I'm waiting those 3-5 days, and I'm not texting them every day, and this causes them to put the stop to things.

Any advice? Everything I read says women are more attracted to you if your feelings are unclear, you don't seem overly eager, and you appear to be busy and have options, but my experience is that it's making them lose interest quickly.

This is a dilemma I've struggled with so much. You wait 3-5 days and it's very easy for that spark to die. Especially early on when there is no emotional investment and they are talking to a new crop of men everyday online. I believe that meaningful texts done in moderation can be excellent rapport building. I've definitely seen women begin to form a connection to me with a quick meaningful exchange per day. Can't remember ever going 5 days of radio silence and had interest level explode upon my message. Flip side is one wrong text will ruin any chance, so my general rule of thumb is if I'm unsure whether it's a good text to send, it probably isn't and I don't. Also depends on the chemistry you have with the person. Sometimes you have to go with your gut and toss out the "rules".

Thinking about the flings and relationships I've had over the past five years, every single time the girl have always made it easy and obvious, initiates the majority of the time, leaving no room to second guess. I just respond and show up.