Setting a boundary without appearing insecure/jealous

[Trump]

She doesn't play games so I doubt it is to make me jealous.

She doesn't play games? She's already got your head spinning in circles by asking you one simple question. Don't think your love for her overpowers her own self interests and agenda.

 

[Fireballs]

Did she just say "I'm staying with (dude) for a week"? Or did she say "Would it bother you if I stayed with (dude) for a week?"

She said something along the lines of ''I found somewhere to stay for that week..such and such has 2 rooms spare and offered for me to stay.''

The thing that makes me think it's just her being naive is that she doesn't really understand how guys are.

eg. the other night on tv there was a show about one night stands and she said ''People actually do that? I would never go home with a guy I just met.''

Either she is playing dumb or she is one of the rare ones.

Who knows.

 

[Desdinova]

The thing that makes me think it's just her being naive is that she doesn't really understand how guys are.

But that's the problem. Nobody has taught her that it's not acceptable when you're in a relationship. I'm guessing her parents are separated, correct? However, I've seen women behave like this who come from intact families. That's when feminism is to blame... "I'm a woman, I don't need a man to tell me what I can't do!"

eg. the other night on tv there was a show about one night stands and she said ''People actually do that? I would never go home with a guy I just met.''

What a woman says and what she does are two different things. Many women will claim that they'd never fvck a man on a first date nor fvck around on their BF, but I've done it with them. The woman should have an emotional trigger inside of her that causes her to avoid doing something questionable, although they can be persuaded to do it quite easily. If she doesn't have the trigger that says "your BF may not like that", you may have an uphill battle trying to help her develop that trigger.

 

[Fireballs]

I'm guessing her parents are separated, correct? However, I've seen women behave like this who come from intact families.

Nah her parents are married. Good family.

If she doesn't have the trigger that says "your BF may not like that", you may have an uphill battle trying to help her develop that trigger.

I'm now questioning whether to say anything at all and just as you said grit my teeth. Not sure if I'll be able to hold my tongue though as the more I think about it, the more it doesn't sit right with me.

 

[JoeMarron]

I'm now questioning whether to say anything at all and just as you said grit my teeth. Not sure if I'll be able to hold my tongue though as the more I think about it, the more it doesn't sit right with me.

So you do care. Like others have said the fact that she doesn't have to common sense to avoid this situation is a red flag. I'd try to make her come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea on her own. Ask her something like, "Do you really think it's wise to stay at another man's place when you're in a relationship? "Do you not see that as a disrespectful and a potentially dangerous situation?" I wouldn't jump on the "She's a wh0re! Dump her!" bandwagon just yet but it blows my mind how tragically ignorant some women are when it comes to situations like this.

 

[HoneyHitter]

Ok thanks for all the help.

Will probably call her or text her something along the lines of:

''I don't like the idea of you shacking up with another man.
I'm not worried about you, but I know how guys are.
However, you're free to do what you want.''

OP, this is exactly what you shouldn't do!

Women don't give a **** what you SAY. It all comes down to what you DO and how THEY perceive it.

I have been in your situation many times over. And it always came down to one of two things:
1) She's lying (thus playing games)
2) She lost interest and thinks the other guy is worth losing you

In either case, the best thing to do is... NOTHING!
And "nothing" means two things:
1) nothing with HER
2) EVERYTHING with other girls!

If she's lying, she'll eventually make up a fake excuse why her plans fell through. If not, the guy probably already fu<ked her good enough to make her leave you. She's only telling you she'll be staying at his place in order to start a "fight" so she can dump you without remorse.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Most of the posters in this thread are mostly wrong, because most of them involve rationalizing your core values and qualifying yourself to her.

Number one, she shouldn't even be bringing this up. She should fear your reaction. Women can be incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY self-delusional and downright stupid, so there is a chance that she is not seeing the ramifications.

It's up to you to teach her two things. Number one, that her even considering this is an insult to you. Number two, that you are the boos, you wear the pants, you are the King (although I can tell by your writing you have a lot to learn about this).

Tell her that her even considering this violates your standards. The very idea of her staying with this man is inappropriate. Tell her that you wouldn't even consider staying with a woman under the same circumstances and that you expect the same from her.

After that, observe the result. Walk away if she presses for staying. Reward her if she understands that this behavior would be highly inappropriate.

Notice that I'm not advising you to go into deep explanations with her. They do not understand nor value logic; they respond only to what you project from your INNER CORE.

What you present as fact is accepted as fact by them. Conduct yourself in such a way that is it unthinkable for her to even consider doing this.

Let her know in a completely matter-of-fact way that you have standards and you expect them to be respected. Instead of appealing to her understanding a logical explanation, you are holding her feet to the fire of your inner core. You're a man, a rock, and you have RULES for your relationships. Don't be afraid to convey this (in fact this essential and should have been done a while ago in your case). Never call them rules... call them boundaries and standards.

She will either respect you and your relationship will rise to a new level, or she will rebel and cause problems, in which case you exit with no explanation. A woman needs to be severely punished for violating a man's standards, but unfortunately most men do not even have standards.

It sounds to me, OP, that you're a little too wishy-washy about this whole thing. It should be absolutely out of the question for you. The other guy is fantasizing about one thing and one thing only 24/7 until he gets his answer. She needs to be schooled in what is appropriate and what isn't.

tldr: Go back to the top and start reading.

 

[goldengoose]

You're a little vauge on the details here. What is the purpose for her having to stay with this guy?

Is this a business trip for work? How far away is it from you? Why can't she commmute from her place? Why can't she stay with family, friends, a female co worker instead, get a motel instead?

Obviously she's been talking to this guy about it from the start without using any other options she has. She feels it is ok to stay with this guy because she was talking to him about it and decided that's what she is going to do.

She is showing no respect for you and is putting your relationship in jeopardy. She didn't ask you about it, she is telling you that's what she is going to do. She didn't condsider you not once at all this whole time.

Do you think a girl who is 100% in love with you would even consider doing this? No way man. She would thank the guy for offering but say she has a boyfriend and can't stay and use her other options. Your girlfriend didn't do that she has already decided she is going to stay with him whether you approve or not.

Setting a boundary is a waste of time, it won't work. She has already made up her mind what she is going to do. If you try to set a boundary she is going to walk right over it.

She is telling you this because she wants to see what kind of reaction you're going to have so she can use it to dump you later on if you get angry, mad, or refuse for her to go. She will hit you with the "you don't trust me" line and hold it against you and make it to be your fault.

You're way too trusting of this woman and making excuses for her. There is no reason she should be spending a week under the same roof with this guy. She has other options to choose from but doesn't want to use them. Women aren't stupid when it comes to stuff like this, they know what they are doing. If they like a guy they will do anything to be with him. That is what she is doing with this guy. They also know if they love a man as much as they say, they won't do anything to ruin the relationship.

Talking to her like these other posters suggested is a waste of time. She won't listen to you and that is what an AFC does. Trying to reason with a woman who has already decided her decision. It will lead to a fight and you will be hurt when she doesn't listen to you and goes to stay with him anyway.

All you have to do is make it known that you don't take her seriously as a girlfriend.

I'm just warning you that your relationship is just about over. She will be pulling the plug on it shortly. When a woman is staying with another man, talked about it with the other guy, already decided it, then informs you to see your reaction, it is over.

Do you have women you can invite over to your place? I would do that ASAP. Your girlfriend doesn't respect you bro, she is on her wsy out to be with this other guy.

 

[goldengoose]

I'd say something along the lines of:

YOU: I'm not worried about you,, but I know how guys are, he may be saying one thing but thinking another.
HER: He's just a friend, he's a really nice guy.
YOU: Does he have a penis and balls?
HER: So?
YOU: Do you think he likes to have sex?
HER: Blah blah blah.
YOU: Do what you want babe, it's up to you. *in a non-butthurt fashion*

Then hopefully she figures it out. If not, then well, you've got some figuring out of your own to do.

EDIT: Changed it around a little, this is a tough one.

Then she throws her arms around him, says "I'm sorry baby", and they live happily ever after. haha. Give me a fvckin' break.



This is the typical AFC conversation where the guy is put on the spot trying to reason logically with a woman who has the upper hand in the relationship who has already decided her course of actions. = FAIL

This chick is already planning a fun filled week of getting the D from this other guy. Nothing is going to change her mind about that. The more you try to reason with her the more she is going to want to go. Wake up.

How is it tough one? Her actions and words are showing that she wants to stay with another man for a week. She is choosing him over the OP. Isn't that more than enough for you to realize that this relationship is toast?

No girlfriend who loves her boyfriend would consider this. No so called girlfriend who is planning on fvcking another guy that she wants for a week is going to change her mind.

Some of you guys need to get smart about women.

When they are showing you clear signs of disrespect like this, you don't try to reason with them like a wimp, be a man and take action. That is what they understand.

A woman like this should be dumped just for the fact she chose another man to be with. Not trying to reason logically with her like a pvssy.

Wake up.

Ok thanks for all the help.

Will probably call her or text her something along the lines of:

''I don't like the idea of you shacking up with another man.
I'm not worried about you, but I know how guys are.
However, you're free to do what you want.''

This is lame as hell bro. If you want to her to laugh at you and lose more respect, then go ahead and text her this.

What is this going to accomplish? You tell her you don't like the idea of it, then you tell her she is free to do what she wants? Do you think she is going listen to you? Her mind is already made up of staying with him. Just the fact she thought about it and wants to do it should tell you something is wrong. Get out of this relationship.

She willl tell you what you want to hear. She will say nothing is going to happen, he's a friend and all that other bvllsh1t.

You should know that she decided to stay with him as her first choice above anything else. If you were the man she only wants to be with, this situation wouldn't be happening.

Wake up man and dump this chick before she does it to you. Quit being so trusting of women and believing everything they tell you. Her actions and words are showing the opposite of what a loving girlfriend would do.
Understand that and get some new women around ASAP.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Then she throws her arms around him, says "I'm sorry baby", and they live happily ever after. haha. Give me a fvckin' break.



This is the typical AFC conversation where the guy is put on the spot trying to reason logically with a woman who has the upper hand in the relationship who has already decided her course of actions. = FAIL

This chick is already planning a fun filled week of getting the D from this other guy. Nothing is going to change her mind about that. The more you try to reason with her the more she is going to want to go. Wake up.

How is it tough one? Her actions and words are showing that she wants to stay with another man for a week. She is choosing him over the OP. Isn't that more than enough for you to realize that this relationship is toast?

No girlfriend who loves her boyfriend would consider this. No so called girlfriend who is planning on fvcking another guy that she wants for a week is going to change her mind.

Some of you guys need to get smart about women.

When they are showing you clear signs of disrespect like this, you don't try to reason with them like a wimp, be a man and take action. That is what they understand.

A woman like this should be dumped just for the fact she chose another man to be with. Not trying to reason logically with her like a pvssy.

Wake up.








This is lame as hell bro. If you want to her to laugh at you and lose more respect, then go ahead and text her this.

What is this going to accomplish? You tell her you don't like the idea of it, then you tell her she is free to do what she wants? Do you think she is going listen to you? Her mind is already made up of staying with him. Just the fact she thought about it and wants to do it should tell you something is wrong. Get out of this relationship.

She willl tell you what you want to hear. She will say nothing is going to happen, he's a friend and all that other bvllsh1t.

You should know that she decided to stay with him as her first choice above anything else. If you were the man she only wants to be with, this situation wouldn't be happening.

Wake up man and dump this chick before she does it to you. Quit being so trusting of women and believing everything they tell you. Her actions and words are showing the opposite of what a loving girlfriend would do.
Understand that and get some new women around ASAP.

Nice job of KJ ing everything else that has already been said on this thread. And then on top of that, doing everything you can to NOT try to asses the situation and add any advice that could help.

Her: I need a place to stay and this guy from work offered me a place.
Goldengoose: YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!!!!

Thanks for the advice dude. But you are a KJ of the worst proportions.

This site attracts all kinds, it's the internet anyone can join from anywhere. The only filter is the MODS. However, for some reason, they seem to let guys like you run amok and cause otherwise good posters to leave.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Most of the posters in this thread are mostly wrong, because most of them involve rationalizing your core values and qualifying yourself to her.

Can you point out specific examples?

Number one, she shouldn't even be bringing this up. She should fear your reaction. Women can be incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY self-delusional and downright stupid, so there is a chance that she is not seeing the ramifications.

Really, this is the only scenario that is acceptable. And most advice given already is relating to this^. That being said, it may not be this, but OP will need to figure that one out on his own.

It's up to you to teach her two things. Number one, that her even considering this is an insult to you. Number two, that you are the boos, you wear the pants, you are the King (although I can tell by your writing you have a lot to learn about this).

Tell her that her even considering this violates your standards. The very idea of her staying with this man is inappropriate. Tell her that you wouldn't even consider staying with a woman under the same circumstances and that you expect the same from her.

After that, observe the result. Walk away if she presses for staying. Reward her if she understands that this behavior would be highly inappropriate.

Notice that I'm not advising you to go into deep explanations with her. They do not understand nor value logic; they respond only to what you project from your INNER CORE.

What you present as fact is accepted as fact by them. Conduct yourself in such a way that is it unthinkable for her to even consider doing this.

Let her know in a completely matter-of-fact way that you have standards and you expect them to be respected. Instead of appealing to her understanding a logical explanation, you are holding her feet to the fire of your inner core. You're a man, a rock, and you have RULES for your relationships. Don't be afraid to convey this (in fact this essential and should have been done a while ago in your case). Never call them rules... call them boundaries and standards.

She will either respect you and your relationship will rise to a new level, or she will rebel and cause problems, in which case you exit with no explanation. A woman needs to be severely punished for violating a man's standards, but unfortunately most men do not even have standards.

It sounds to me, OP, that you're a little too wishy-washy about this whole thing. It should be absolutely out of the question for you. The other guy is fantasizing about one thing and one thing only 24/7 until he gets his answer. She needs to be schooled in what is appropriate and what isn't.

Where I don't see eye to eye with with a lot of the guys here is what is all of this^ going to do. What is it going to accomplish. This logical based explanation to her.

-I king
-My castle
-You follow my rules

Her: sure, okay, uh huh.

I never tell a woman how she should act. It is my castle, I AM the King. She should know that. And they do know that. I don't have to tell them $hit. And you I shouldn't have to.

The ALPHA male of the group doesn't have to tell his buddies he's the alpha male. They just know.

That's why I believe your first scenario is the only way this thing is going to work out. And once you open her eyes and she sees the light to what living with another guy for a week could bring. She should do a face palm and apologize to you.

Her: "I'm sorry babe, I don't know what I was thinking." "you're sooo right. Please forgive my stupidity"

^This is the only way.

Otherwise, if she doesn't understand this, then the rest of your relationship is going to be fvcked. This is a test for her (like El Payaso said). This is part of your screening process. What is she going to do.

 

[goldengoose]

Nice job of KJ ing everything else that has already been said on this thread. And then on top of that, doing everything you can to NOT try to asses the situation and add any advice that could help.

Her: I need a place to stay and this guy from work offered me a place.
Goldengoose: YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!!!!

Thanks for the advice dude. But you are a KJ of the worst proportions.

This site attracts all kinds, it's the internet anyone can join from anywhere. The only filter is the MODS. However, for some reason, they seem to let guys like you run amok and cause otherwise good posters to leave.

HAHAHA thanks for the laugh.

Where was this said before? I'm still waiting to hear where you claimed my advice was regurgitated from in the last thread? You ran like a coward on that one.

You're the KJ giving AFC advice.

What were you telling that guy to do in the last thread? Beg to keep a date with a flake who was lying to him about being "low on money". You got that all wrong too.

Who was 100% right about her? Me. The OP thanked me for the advice. Most of the other posters all agreed with me except for the 3 of you.

This chick has other options she can use before staying with this guy. She never used any of them. She just wants to use this to her advantage. On top of that, if she was concerned about her boyfriend's feelings she would have asked him what he felt about this situation first before already deciding it. That's why your AFC chat will never work because she doesn't care about what he thinks. Her mind is made up what she wanted to do. She decided with another guy even before consulting with her boyfriend.

What honest loving girlfriend would want to stay at some other guy's place? None that I know of. She decided it with the other guy and wanted to see the reaction from the boyfriend. Not a woman that is good LTR material and one that should be taken seriously.

Another thing to think about. Some of you said some women are too stupid and ignorant to understand. Do you want a stupid ignorant woman around doing stupid ignorant things that will fvck you over? Get a better woman who knows right from wrong where you don't have to deal with that. It will be coming up again later on if your relationship continues.

Women know what they want. If they find a better guy that turns them on they will go to him.

Women who jeopardize a relationship are women to steer clear from because they don't care about you.

You are really green when it comes to knowing about women and relationships.

That's why I believe your first scenario is the only way this thing is going to work out. And once you open her eyes and she sees the light to what living with another guy for a week could bring. She should do a face palm and apologize to you.

Her: "I'm sorry babe, I don't know what I was thinking." "you're sooo right. Please forgive my stupidity"

^This is the only way.

More AFC thinking with the rose colored glasses scenario.

Her eyes aren't going to be opened because she doesn't care about what he says. She already know what she wants to do. Women decide to cheat long before they actually cheat. She decided she is going to stay with this guy because she wants to. His AFC chat isn't going to help matters any. Not only that, he will be more vulnerable the next time this comes up. This isn't going away because there will be other times when this will come up again. That's why you don't stay in relationships with those kinds of women who are jeopardizing your relationship. You want a woman who respects you and wants only you. You think a woman would do this to a guy she regards as an alpha? Give me a fvckin' break.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

You are really green when it comes to knowing about women and relationships.

This is you in a nutshell, clueless. I would feel like less of a man even having to argue with your 70- IQ KJ a$$. Anyway, keep posting your KJ material, I'm sure it will be well received by the other KJ's on this forum. There are some good posters here however, I'll keep you guys in my heart

Anyway, I'm out for now, later fellas. See ya on the flip side.

 

[6stringer]

Good God.. calm down ladies. I have never seen so much read into so little in my life.

Look, if your gf has had relationships before where this was not an issue, or rew up in a home where people were, by and large, decent, she would have no reason to think this is a big deal. So all this "she is out to screw the other guy, blah blah blah.." stuff is a bit over the top.

Is she testing you? maybe
IS she planning on screwing this other guy? maybe
is she just innocently thinking there is no big deal here? maybe
Is she aware that this may be a problem for you? maybe

Gettin the drift here? No-one here really knows for sure what is in her mind or heart.. so lets start of on this premise. All the assumptions here may, or may not be wrong.. or right..

Given that, what is the right path? First define what you would like in a realtionship? is this something you don't want? Does it not bother you? is it merely what others might think? Are you just pissed at not being consulted or asked for permission?

Figure it out. What bothers you here, what you desire and what your limits are..
And here is the part escaping everyone here it seems.. go by that, and nothing else. There are no guarantees and never will be. There are women who will never stay at another dudes house but will cheat on you any chance they get, and there are women who will stay with a friends who is a uy and never cheat. Thats life.

State what you want, and leave it at that. Instead of thinking you "know" what she's thinking- as many people seemt o think they do.. say where you stand and then see what she does. In essence show her who you are, and let her response show you who she is. But jumping to all these conclusions will only muddy your waters.

 

[asa_don]

@asa_don - I wouldn't really care as it's only for a week and I trust her.

this might be a troll, you don't care that your girlfriend is sleeping in the same house as this guy? :crazy:. if you don't care i guess she doesn't care either. she shouldn't even sleep there for one night.

honey hitter, atom, golden goose is absolutely correct. under no circumstances should she be staying over there. she has to come to the conclusion on her own without you explaining it to her. i wouldn't invest anymore into her even if she decides she isn't going with him.

 

[goldengoose]

You guys are missing the point that this relationship is only 3 months old. 3 months of a relationship is nothing. This chick should be on her best behavior but she already planned to shack up with another guy for a week. Even if she doesn't stay with him this relationship has problems.

Would any of you offer a room to a chick that you didn't want to bang?

Would a chick stay with a dude for a week that she wasn't attracted to?

She is going because she likes and feels comfortable with him and he wants to bang her. Even if she doesn't go they still have mutual attraction for each other where they can still get together later on.

OP, you are really unsure of yourself. Being meek is a sure fire way to get cheated on.

3 months is nothing and she isn't taking you or this relationship very seriously. Look elsewhere for a woman that respects you.

This is you in a nutshell, clueless. I would feel like less of a man even having to argue with your 70- IQ KJ a$$. Anyway, keep posting your KJ material, I'm sure it will be well received by the other KJ's on this forum. There are some good posters here however, I'll keep you guys in my heart

Anyway, I'm out for now, later fellas. See ya on the flip side.

HAHAHA Hilarious.

You insult me, call me names, make up sh1t.. When I ask you to back up your claims, what do you do? Call me more names and leave the forum like a coward. Typical AFC.

If you can't take it in an internet forum, how can you even deal with women?

My "KJ Material" as you call it is 100% correct. Everything I have said turned out to be true. You wanted that guy to beg for a date with a chick who was obviously lying to him. You believed everything she said.

Here's the thread where you can read my award winning "KJ material". Turns out she was with another guy after all. Just like I said she was.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=216998

 

[Greasy Pig]

I like Atom Smasher's advice on explaining that even considering staying with another guy violates your boundaries and will keep it for future reference.

 

[El Payaso]

Good God.. calm down ladies. I have never seen so much read into so little in my life.

Look, if your gf has had relationships before where this was not an issue, or rew up in a home where people were, by and large, decent, she would have no reason to think this is a big deal. So all this "she is out to screw the other guy, blah blah blah.." stuff is a bit over the top.

Is she testing you? maybe
IS she planning on screwing this other guy? maybe
is she just innocently thinking there is no big deal here? maybe
Is she aware that this may be a problem for you? maybe

Gettin the drift here? No-one here really knows for sure what is in her mind or heart.. so lets start of on this premise. All the assumptions here may, or may not be wrong.. or right..

Given that, what is the right path? First define what you would like in a realtionship? is this something you don't want? Does it not bother you? is it merely what others might think? Are you just pissed at not being consulted or asked for permission?

Figure it out. What bothers you here, what you desire and what your limits are..
And here is the part escaping everyone here it seems.. go by that, and nothing else. There are no guarantees and never will be. There are women who will never stay at another dudes house but will cheat on you any chance they get, and there are women who will stay with a friends who is a uy and never cheat. Thats life.

State what you want, and leave it at that. Instead of thinking you "know" what she's thinking- as many people seemt o think they do.. say where you stand and then see what she does. In essence show her who you are, and let her response show you who she is. But jumping to all these conclusions will only muddy your waters.

Thank you. Exactly what I'm saying.

 

[Bokanovsky]

From what I can gather he is there by himself and they both work in a high paying lawyer/doctor/engineer type job.

If she works in a high-paying "lawyer/doctor/engineer type job", surely she can afford to stay in a hotel for a week??

 

[Bokanovsky]

Most of the posters in this thread are mostly wrong, because most of them involve rationalizing your core values and qualifying yourself to her.

Number one, she shouldn't even be bringing this up. She should fear your reaction. Women can be incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY self-delusional and downright stupid, so there is a chance that she is not seeing the ramifications.

It's up to you to teach her two things. Number one, that her even considering this is an insult to you. Number two, that you are the boos, you wear the pants, you are the King (although I can tell by your writing you have a lot to learn about this).

Tell her that her even considering this violates your standards. The very idea of her staying with this man is inappropriate. Tell her that you wouldn't even consider staying with a woman under the same circumstances and that you expect the same from her.

I agree with Atom Smasher. She shouldn't even be considering this option. The very fact that she's bringing this up shows a certain lack of respect for you (combined with belief that she can get away with it).