Setting a boundary without appearing insecure/jealous

[Fireballs]

My girlfriend needs somewhere to stay for a week due to circumstances and as I am not an option at this time, a guy from her work has two spare rooms and has offered one to her for the week. From what I can gather he is there by himself and they both work in a high paying lawyer/doctor/engineer type job.

I am inexperienced but learning when it comes to setting boundaries but as she has never disrespected me I haven't had to set her straight.

Now I don't really care if she stays there but I feel I need to say no?

How would you go about telling a girl she can't stay there or will it come across as being insecure? Would you let your girl stay there?

 

[asa_don]

Now I don't really care if she stays there but I feel I need to say no?

are you trolling? why wouldn't you care if she sleeps at some other guy's place? she can stay at a girlfriend's place if she needs a place to crash. there is no boundary to set, if she goes to stay with some other guy that should terminate the relationship because she doesn't care about you.

 

[Tomo]

and you cannot offer your place - even for a bit? I agree that I would never allow a girl I am seeing stay with a guy. My question back to her if she retaliates would be; think of the hottest chick I know that she may be suspicious about and asked her if I were to bunk with that chick, how she would feel.

 

[Fireballs]

@asa_don - I wouldn't really care as it's only for a week and I trust her.

@Tomo - I can't offer my place as where she needs to be for that week is too far from me.

After doing some searching there seems to be some mixed opinions on this topic.

Some are saying that you shouldn't give a fvck, if she wanted to cheat she could do it regardless. And she would think you didn't trust her, were jealous, she may resent you etc..

Others are saying it's a matter of respect and that women crave authority from a man and to tell her no.

She has girl workmates she could ask but this guy has offered before she had a chance to ask anyone.

I would really appreciate some more thoughts on this as I'm really not sure what to do.

Also if it's best to tell her no, how to say it etc..

 

[Pardner]

Sounds like she is looking for a way to shack up with him.

I trust her.

It just takes one night for sex to happen between a guy and a girl in the same room.

 

[sylvester the cat]

The problem here is not whether she wants to shack up with this guy but that she is putting you in this position where you have to come here and ask this question. It is extremely disrespectful. I am almost tempted to say it is a sh1t test which must be dealt with with the utmost severity.

She shouldn't even be considering staying at this guy's house as an option let alone bringing it to your attention.

What is your history with this woman?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

they both work in a high paying lawyer/doctor/engineer type job.

So she can't afford a hotel? Motel?

she has never disrespected me

There's a first time for everything.

She should not be considering this as even an option.

I'm thinking of two possible scenario's here where she's not trying to put herself into a situation to fvck around on you:

#1-he's a true beta guy friend and she really does see him as a harmless nobody. In which case she's more or less using him for his place. Although, in this scenario she must also be naive to the fact that she's still staying at another guy's place for a week. So whether or not the guy's a real life troll or a prince charming doesn't matter. She still shouldn't be doing it, it's the principle behind it. Is it worth that just to save money? Get a hotel woman.

#2- She's just bringing it up to get you jealous in some way, and not planning on going through with it. With that being said:

My girlfriend needs somewhere to stay for a week due to circumstances

You may need to expand on "circumstances". Did she bring up the option of staying at your place while you're not there? Has she brought up moving in together in the past? I could see this as a ploy to get you to pull the trigger on letting her officially move in with you.


Either way, my advice: You cannot forbade her to stay with that guy. She needs to make that decision herself. If you feel she's truly just being naive to the fact that she's going to be living with another guy for a week, then you should educate her in the ways of the male mind, as in, "he's a guy, he's offering you his place because he wants to have sex with you." If she balks or gets defensive, and stays with him anyways, then you have your answer. Time to go to the bar, get $hitfaced and find the nearest slut. Then take a look at this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

 

[Fireballs]

So she can't afford a hotel? Motel?


There's a first time for everything.

She should not be considering this as even an option.

I'm thinking of two possible scenario's here where she's not trying to put herself into a situation to fvck around on you:

#1-he's a true beta guy friend and she really does see him as a harmless nobody. In which case she's more or less using him for his place. Although, in this scenario she must also be naive to the fact that she's still staying at another guy's place for a week. So whether or not the guy's a real life troll or a prince charming doesn't matter. She still shouldn't be doing it, it's the principle behind it. Is it worth that just to save money? Get a hotel woman.

#2- She's just bringing it up to get you jealous in some way, and not planning on going through with it. With that being said:

You may need to expand on "circumstances". Did she bring up the option of staying at your place while you're not there? Has she brought up moving in together in the past? I could see this as a ploy to get you to pull the trigger on letting her officially move in with you.


Either way, my advice: You cannot forbade her to stay with that guy. She needs to make that decision herself. If you feel she's truly just being naive to the fact that she's going to be living with another guy for a week, then you should educate her in the ways of the male mind, as in, "he's a guy, he's offering you his place because he wants to have sex with you." If she balks or gets defensive, and stays with him anyways, then you have your answer. Time to go to the bar, get $hitfaced and find the nearest slut. Then take a look at this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

She doesn't play games so I doubt it is to make me jealous.

I'm fairly certain she is just being naive and sees nothing wrong with it. Without sounding naive myself she is a 'nice girl', kind of a geek, says she has never had a one night stand, only been with two guys (I know I know), she isn't a party girl etc..

As for the circumstances you can trust me that it isn't a ploy to get her to move in with me. I don't want to expand on these but I am 100% sure on this.

I'm away with work atm so won't see her until Thursday, not sure if I should wait till then to talk about it in person or to call her and get it done now.

How I say it is going to be the hard part.. Something along the lines of ''this isn't a matter of jealousy, but out of respect you shouldn't be staying with him?'' Something like that?






@sylvester - Dating 5 months (3 months exclusive) LTR material, very peaceful girl.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

How I say it is going to be the hard part.

I'd say something along the lines of:

YOU: I'm not worried about you,, but I know how guys are, he may be saying one thing but thinking another.
HER: He's just a friend, he's a really nice guy.
YOU: Does he have a penis and balls?
HER: So?
YOU: Do you think he likes to have sex?
HER: Blah blah blah.
YOU: Do what you want babe, it's up to you. *in a non-butthurt fashion*

Then hopefully she figures it out. If not, then well, you've got some figuring out of your own to do.

EDIT: Changed it around a little, this is a tough one.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Double post

 

[sylvester the cat]

^ what he said.

 

[Fireballs]

That seems like a great way to go about it. How do I get it to that point though? What I mean is what way should I bring it up?

''I don't like the idea of you staying there''..or ''I find it disrespectful''??? And then go on to....YOU: I'm not worried about you....

 

[Fireballs]

Not much you can do, boundaries should have been set much earlier in the relstionship. She disrespected you when she went out of her way to basically ask this guy directly or indirectly if she could stay with him. I'd say let her go, and if the guy is remotely alpha you can pretty much assume something went down unless this girl is a moral woman that can articulate her beliefs. Did you set a no guy friends boundary at any point?

No, she doesn't hang out with guys outside of work.

It's a tough situation but whatever happens at least I will learn from it.

 

[sylvester the cat]

.................

 

[Fireballs]

P&V's colloqy is good, I used it myself to get my gf to not rent a room from a guy for cut rates, I'd give it a shot. The way you bring that up is literally whenever you want, just only do it once. Bring it up in a way so that she understands that it matters to you and that there's a decent chance you will be balls deep in a 21year old hottie if she goes against your wishes.

That will be the hardest part. Letting her know that she's GONE if she decides to stay there without actually saying it/threatening her.

 

[zekko]

Now I don't really care if she stays there but I feel I need to say no?

If you really don't care, and you trust her like you say, why do you feel you have to say no?

I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself, but if I didn't care about such things I wouldn't care. As it is, I agree with PairPlus' take on it here:

Not much you can do, boundaries should have been set much earlier in the relstionship. She disrespected you when she went out of her way to basically ask this guy directly or indirectly if she could stay with him. I'd say let her go, and if the guy is remotely alpha you can pretty much assume something went down unless this girl is a moral woman that can articulate her beliefs. Did you set a no guy friends boundary at any point?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

That will be the hardest part. Letting her know that she's GONE if she decides to stay there without actually saying it/threatening her.

That is the not thing you want to do. Threats and ultimatums are not the way.

You cant FORCE her to want to be with you. If she flies away she flies away.

 

[El Payaso]

Tell her you don't like the idea of her shacking up with another man. However, she's free to do what she wants.

By stating your point and where you stand but clearly maintaining that she has free will (women hate nothing more than feeling like they are being chained down or their freedom is being challenged), you get your point across but you don't come across as needy.

If she says you're being insecure or that it's only a week or whatever other bs excuse, just say you've said all you had to say and she's free to do whatever she wants. Pull yourself out of the situation IMMEDIATELY. Either drop the phone or stop texting or walk out.

A woman that doesn't give a sh!t about you will go against your wishes despite your disapproval. Once she does this, that tells you all you breed to know about how much she values her relationship with you. Be prepared to walk out upon this.

However, a woman who it's really into you and respects you will instantly become confused and scared and sad all the same time. Confused as to why you didn't react the way she expected, scared of losing you and sad that you're pulling away from her. Once the calm sets in her mind, she will probably call or text you that she won't go again or she'll try to work out a better solution that works for you.

You have to remember that in a relationship, YOU DO NOT OWN A WOMAN. YOU CANNOT MAKE CHOICES FOR HER. However, you can only withdraw attention or walk out.

Instead of seeing this moment as a sh!t test against you, see it as a sh!t test against her. This is the moment you get to see how loyal or caring about your feelings she is.

Be ready to pull out and walk away if she goes against your grain.

 

[Fireballs]

Ok thanks for all the help.

Will probably call her or text her something along the lines of:

''I don't like the idea of you shacking up with another man.
I'm not worried about you, but I know how guys are.
However, you're free to do what you want.''

 

[Desdinova]

I went through something like this a few months back with a woman who wanted to attend a fetish party with a single male friend.

Did she just say "I'm staying with (dude) for a week"? Or did she say "Would it bother you if I stayed with (dude) for a week?"

Women who have a good sense of values won't even consider staying with a male friend as an option for fear of pissing you off. The fact that this is an option for her should tell you that this woman is NOT marriage material. Keep that in mind.

In situations like this, it also helps to know the guy. If he's 100% gay, then you have nothing to worry about. If he's an AFC, you have little to worry about. If he's a confident alpha, she'll likely fvck him. If you've never met the guy, then you have every right to be skeptical.

How you handle this is entirely up to you. You could let her do it, grit your teeth for a week, and if she's still around after that, then you can continue as you've always done. However, this situation WILL come up again. Most women like to push their boundaries to see how much they can get away with. Give them a little, and they will attempt to take a mile.

Although you may be able to prevent her from staying with this guy, it doesn't fix her core values and morals. If she sees nothing wrong with it now, she still won't see anything wrong with it in the future. There's a good possibility that this will remain an occasional but consistent issue throughout your relationship.