serious loser needs immediate help

[Rupeo]

My story is probably a shade sadder and more pathetic than most that come to these boards seeking help. Normally I would not confide these things even under the anonymity of an internet forum, but the situation is rather urgent. Oh, I apologize if there is some overlap, but I dont know weather I have the time to sort through the archives for the advice I am looking for, and I think this deserves its own post.

To begin. I am a 25 year old virgin working at the distigushed and extravagant location that is the local pizza joint. With me so far? But sex in not the only thing with wich I lack familiarity. I have never had what you would call an active social life. I neither drink nor dance nor play any form of sport with proficiency. I've never even been in the position to experement in kissing, never played spin the bottle or strip poker as a kid. Basically, life has passed around me as if I were a stone in a river. Like I said, I wouldnt normally go into this even here but well-something has come up.


You see God sometimes smiles on even the most unworthy of us and gives us a secong chance to rejoin the human race. Tonight a group came in with one of our new employees. As they were leaving they called me over and I was told by an attractive girl with the group that she would be in town for a few days, so would I give her my number? This is not something that has happened to me before and I was rather shocked, but of course I gave her my number. You will probably chide me for not getting her number in return, (hell I didnt even get her name) but this was my first time in this situaton and I think allowances can be made. Besides, I didnt feel it was necessary, and judging from the fact that there was a message on my machine before I had even gotten home from work, I was right.

Now some of you may find this amusing but I think that others amoung you might realize how scary this **** is, for a sexual and social eunich to deal with a high interest level from an attractive female right out of the blue. Im not gonna give her a number but Id say she's above average.

Obviously I have no choice but to act on such a fortuitous thing, and not concern myself too much with the possibility of screwing up.

Oh but this is where it gets tricky. You see, I dont have a car, or indeed, a licence. This is not something that I have ever really needed or wanted in my life that much. But as some of you understand I am sure, when it comes to dating this is an extremely emasculating position to be in. Not to mention the actual phisical problems that can come of it.

Now, its not outside the realm of possibility that if I really tried hard I could get both of these thing within a matter of days. But by then my window of opportunity may have closed.

So basically Im asking what the hell I should do in a situation like this where I dont know what to expect, where my mobility is limited and my experience nonexistant.

I should mention some things that I might have going for me on a pro side. Contrary to the hopeless nerd profile that I have provided above, I do not in fact live live in my parents basement, but alone in a loft that Im actually rather proud of. I dont have her name or number, but I do have her brothers so I can probably track her down in short order. And while I may not be able to go clubbing or impress with my pool game I might be able to captivate (or at least keep, which is the battle right now) her interest through funny/smart conversation if I could keep my cool.

If any of you DJ's have ideas about what tac to take in this situation Id sure appreciate it.

 

[Jeremymichael]

Hi Mate,

Could you not order a cab for the night and say you would like
to have the odd drink and you don't want to drink and drive.
Just go somewhere local, say a nice bar or restaurant and take a taxi (if you can afford it).

By the way I share your situation, I have not had many girlfriends and mess up frequently

 

[NaturallySelected]

Originally posted by Rupeo
And while I may not be able to go clubbing or impress with my pool game I might be able to captivate (or at least keep, which is the battle right now) her interest through funny/smart conversation if I could keep my cool.

Well I can hear you're very literate and compose your thoughts well, this is a good thing. A definite sign that you have a sense of humour, women love that.

Who says you can't go clubbing? Let's say you can find a way to get you both there, by all means go. Can't dance? 90% of the men at clubs can't dance, women don't care how you dance (unless you danc like the dudes in "A night at the Roxbury")
Believe me. Just bob from side to side, move your arms a little. Copy other people. I promsie you it's not like in the movies where everyone went to dance school and it's choreographed (Spelling? ). Women don't care how you dance, they don't even notice.

However, I don't think clubbing is a good idea for a first date(come back here if you decide to go to one on another date). Since you seem like the kind of guy that can have a decent conversation, a coffee date seems suitable.

Trust me, if she's attracted to you, there's not too much that you can do wrong with "what" you do or "where" you go. Just choose a place where you feel LEAST UNcomfortable .

Don't act desperate, don't call her 10 times a day, etc. (read around the board for this kind of advice). I know you want to get laid and get a girlfriend REEEAL bad, but don't show it .

Now, some life advice. GET YOUR LIFE IN ORDER. Get a licence and a car. You dont have to drink to be "cool", ask my two close friends who have good looking girlfriends . GO OUT! Go to movies with a friend or two, clubbing, play pool. Just GO OUT! This will increase the chance of meeting more women TENFOLD.

Have fun with her, don't take dating too seriously. A lot of "newbies" (like myself ) make the mistake of taking dating too seriously. Don't overanalyse everything, just relax.

You might read about "NEXTING". This is basically where a Don Juan decides a girl isn't worth it based on something she did (like cancelling a date) and he decides to move on. If someone gives you this advice, you probablly won't take it (if you like the girl). No one ever does. But learn from my mistakes, if being with her makes you more miserable each week. STOP SEEING HER. No matter how much you THINK you want her.

Sorry to throw in some negative stuff, but we have to be realistic here. Just remember to have fun.

For all we know this could be the ONE woman you spend the rest of your life with, realistically it probablly isn't. So start working towards getting your licence, going out, getting some excecise. Improve yourself, so if it doesn't work out with her you will have a MUCH greater chance of meeting someone new after. If it does work out with her, at least you're improving yourself - and making her want you more.

As for how to go on a date with her, you'll think of something. Just make sure you DO date her. Look up for more advice around the board.

Regards
NaturallySelected

 

[Trance]

I got scared just by reading your story.. What have u been doing all these years??

Well, now its time to start a new life!

1) Fix your looks
Nice stilish clothing, nice haircut, nice tan, some gym work, no acne and stuff like that.

2) New activities
Enter some activities where u can have fun and at the same time meet new ppl. It will relieve your stress and make u feel a lot better.

3) Get girls
Dont tell them you are a virgin!! You gotta act confident like you were a DJ. Be the man, make aproaches, girls that you meet invite them for some plan (the man always has a plan for a date).
Btw, dont slobber in your first kiss.. Try just lips kissing for the first ones, then proceed to thong. But specially, enjoy the feeling.

4) Get a group of nice friends
You need to have a group of ppl that u identify with. Ppl that like the same things as you. Its not that hard lol Women, drinking, cars and sports? A group of friends that you can go out and have fun, a group that you guys can talk of anything and there for each other, so that if u feel alone, its just picking up the phone and setup something with them.

 

[squirrels]

Indeed...your FIRST priority should be fixing your life. Not because there's no dignity in what you're doing now, but because YOU aren't happy with it, and YOU are still choosing to let it slip away.

This is YOUR story, you hold the pen. Turn some of those eloquent words into eloquent actions.

THEN worry about women.

 

[DjDreamer]

Rupeo, heed the words of squirrels...

Originally posted by squirrels: This is YOUR story, you hold the pen. Turn some of those eloquent words into eloquent actions.

Rupeo, when your proficiency with english is directed towards the ladies, you will have a magical experience.

Don't over think the situation...you're like a kid going to get an immunisation shot for the first time and thinking about the worst case scenario but the worst scenario won't happen when you're relaxed...

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Dude,

Get a license!!!! Your social life is not going to improve sitting at home and not being mobile!!

She has obvious interest..I assume you have her number if she left a maeesage, right? Call her.

Tell her you are in the process of getting a car - your last one broke down. Some girls may see not having a car as a sign of irresponsibility!

Don't go anywhere where they ID, because I assume you don't have one.

Go for simplicity for the first date and do a fun activity and go for a light kiss and see how she responds. Your goal is to keep her for a second date and a third.

Don't act like a shy virgin, you are 25 not 16. By all means show confidence and be upbeat.

Life hasn't passed you by - you have passed life by. Make a vow that today is a new beginning. Start lifting weights and start with a new more proactive lifestyle and outlook on your romantic life. You have to be aggressor from hereon and not the woman. Do your job!

Quit being a spectator - who cares if you get rejected 50 times, have fun doing it! If this 'above' average girl likes you, how many other girls out there like you? Find out!

 

[Rupeo]

Thank you for the advice of encouragement. The bit about getting a cab is particularly usefull. I hadn't thought of that but can certainly afford it at the moment.

I think that I understand the approach that I need to have. You have to admit your flaws without advertising them. Its okay to admit that you have weaknesses(when it comes up in the course of conversation of course) so long as it dosent actually look/feel like you do.

Thank you for the advice on not taking the dancing too seriously. Havent been on a dance floor since I was in 7th grade(dances meant to socialize can have the opposite effect when there are 9 girls and 34 boys in a class) and I was lacking in perspective in this area.

I am uncomfortable claiming that the only reason I dont have a car at the moment was some mechanical problem. However, the fact remains that I probably can lay my hands on a car without too much trouble and I do, more or less, know how to drive. "I never drink" on the other hand may turn into " never drink much" depending on the situation

As I said before, Im not in great shape. At the same time, despite the fact that my self-esteem is clearly abysmal I think I can still say that Im not an ugly or even unattractive man. Ive been blessed with what I would objectively consider a good face, no acne at the moment and Im not so overwieght that
it shows while Im dressed.

Anyhow, thanks for the encouragement. I think I understand the mindset I have to have and am hoping that succed or fail, that this is what I need to jar me out of my long sleep.

P.S. Does anyone have any good Ideas for a token gift? It would have to be something very casual I think, but still something that shed appreciate.

 

[Rupeo]

P.P.S. I do not have her number. She didnt leave any usefull infromation on that message. All she said was that the pizza I served her was very good(?) and she guesses she'd call me later. But as I said I have her brothers information, and I think that is for the best. It will hopefully spare the embarrasement of asking her directly for her name.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Rupeo
But as I said I have her brothers information, and I think that is for the best. It will hopefully spare the embarrasement of asking her directly for her name.

Embarassment? For asking for her NAME?!

I wish I could just reach back and pimp-smack your azz right now.

There is NO embarassment in asking for someone's name. EVER.

 

[Rupeo]

Maybe I need to clairify that. I feel I should have gotten that little piece of information the first time we met. In fact, someone might have said her name and I may have just missed it.

Oh, by the way PuertoRican I do have ID. Good thing too. Im often told I dont look my age. Bit of a Peter Pan effect I guess.

 

[Hubris]

Rupeo, everything sounds great.

You live on your own, you obviously have a good head on your shoulders (most people never learn to write as well as your first post. And I'm not being the least bit facetious.) and the girl is interested.

Being inexperienced isn't a big deal. Where being inexperienced hurts the most is in getting dates. Once you're on them all you need to do is don't be too nervous.

Use Kino. I swear by it. If you go see a movie, but your arm around her. If you're walking down the road going someplace, give her a little back scratch. Just as long as it feels confortable.

And it's just a first date. Nothing at all to worry about.

 

[Hubris]

Don't talk about work, or how stupid feminism is.

 

[Hubris]

Or other girls (even your sister).

 

[Rupeo]

Are you sure? My little half-sister is eight years old. Thought something like that might be endearing.

 

[CharmaLeo]

Hey Rupeo you seems articulated enough to entertain a chic. Whatever you do don't give her a fuccking token as you meet her.

It says, "thankyou for chosing me your highness now you can kick my a55"

Keep it simple and talk about things that elicit emotions, nice and exciting emotions.

She chose you, so feel fortunate and don't try to impress her, just don't be boring that's all.

If you act a llittle virginal and shy she may do a little move, after all she chose you. Just make sure you go along at her own pace

And lastly, you try to end the date and for God's sake don't tell her you love her and you wanna marry her. Good luck my friend.

 

[StockTrader]

Rupeo,

It could be alot worst. Many 25 year old guys don't have a job or a loft. It sounds like you could do very well with a great conversation and using humor with her.

Study some of the DJ bible. You don't have to remember all of it, but even if you use 20% of it, you're ahead of most guys out there.

Exercise is incredibly beneficial. Even if you have no money for a gym, consider just doing push ups, sit ups, running in your neighborhood, etc. It'll get your mind off of your situation and it can improve your confidence.

I know that taking a girl back to your place might be too advanced at this stage, but consider improving your place if you need to. Why not plan ahead.

On your first date, just have fun with no worries. Go for a light kiss at the end. It doesn't have to be a movie star makeout session.

 

[NaturallySelected]

Originally posted by Rupeo
P.S. Does anyone have any good Ideas for a token gift? It would have to be something very casual I think, but still something that shed appreciate.

It is not considered "DJ-like" to give her a gift on the first date. This will make her look to important to you. The idea is to come accross as a guy who goes on dates all the time. So no token gift. Trust us . As for "the first kiss" some say on the first date, others say know. To me it all depends on whether or not it "feels" right. But if I were you I'd not kiss on the first date, unless she's REALLY coming on to you. Keep us posted and we can give you advice as you go along.

P.P.S. I do not have her number. She didnt leave any usefull infromation on that message. All she said was that the pizza I served her was very good(?) and she guesses she'd call me later.

The ball is in her court, not the best situation to be in. Get her name, and her number. Give her a call. But give her one or two days to call you first. Otherwise call her up and suggest a date. How long has it been since you first saw her?

 

[Rupeo]

Ok, the gift thing is out. Check.

It has been less than a full 24 hours since I first saw her. Now, I dont want to contradict someone with so much more experience than myself, but I wonder really about how long it is safe to wait in this situation. You see, it strikes me that the wording "Im going to be in town for a couple of days so...." is about the closest that many men will get to a proposal for sex at the first introduction.