Seeking advise with older women situation

[Kailex]

GOOD.

I'd been waiting for a response from you.
Now, you took the first step and you did really well, from what I read. Now comes the harder part... maintaining this position.

Right now she's probably wondering why you weren't the usual and going through some form of insecurity. Do NOT be surprised if she emails/texts within the next few days. Hell, do NOT be surprised if she calls and immediately asks if you want to do something together.

That's where you need to decide what you really want to do.

Cykeson, do you have to see this girl again at work?
I only ask because doing this one time can be empowering and can be quite the adrenaline rush, but the question is: If you really moved on from her, will you be willing to maintain the frame of what you did today... the next time you see her... or if she calls/texts/emails...

 

[kangyu]

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[cykeson]

Kailex, thanks a bunch. Before the meeting yesterday, I re-read your reply again and again, just to let it sink in. As much as it feels horrible, I know in reality what you said is true. I needed to hear this.

To be honest, I haven’t really thought of what if she called me or in some way tries to establish contact again. I’m on the mindset it’s strictly professional from now, haven’t really thought of the “if” situation. I am in the assumption that she wouldn’t text/call/email me because she has a huge ego and is prideful. I doubt she’ll do that, as I doubt she’ll want to admit defeat. Hence, I was actually 80% sure she would be passive about it.

Having said that, I thought of your question. I admit a part of me will consider in the mind, if she does try to establish contact. BUT it’s gonna be different now. For the first couple of times, I would turn it down. Not because of trying to game up or etc… But because I don’t know how serious is she. She needs to convince me now that she’s worth to be with. I’ve spent so much time digging the grave, I saw how wrong and blinded I was then. Never again.

I can’t foresee that far ahead, but I will admit to you this. I will continue on going strong as I am now, due to the adrenaline rush, etc... But you’re right, that sense of empowerment does have a limit. Seeing how good it feels/make me feel, I will try to keep this on. I look at her now, and there’s no rush, no desire, no adoration…. And I’m actually now looking/seeking other women instead. I hope I can keep this up in the long run.

Oh ya, I do have see her every fortnightly for the next 2 years as that’s the duration of our project. And chances are we will be in the same team for other projects since our current project is quite suscessful. So give and take, I’ll say the next 5 years?

 

[f283000]

way tries to establish contact again. I’m on the mindset it’s strictly professional from now, haven’t really thought of the “if” situation. I am in the assumption that she wouldn’t text/call/email me because she has a huge ego and is prideful. I doubt she’ll do that, as I doubt she’ll want to admit defeat. Hence, I was actually 80% sure she would be passive about it.

Your posts reek of a guy with no options. You desperately need to get away from this mindset. You keep thinking of different scenarios and possibilities like if this was an engineering problem.

She messed with your head and now you are at a stage of pondering what if situations. You are not alone every guy out there does this when they are not at the dj stage. They wonder all day about the woman they couldn't get for weeks (some for months sadly) till they finally get over them and realize that they screwed up with this woman and are never going to have her.

You can either keep going where you are going and maybe by next month you will have gotten over her once you come to the conclusion that it ain't gonna happen. Or you can stop thinking about her, talking about her, keep her at a distance to keep your dignity rather than let her have the satisfaction of having your friendship which is not what you wanted.

 

[Kailex]

Cut him some slack though... he IS pondering "What if" scenarios based off of what I asked him. So if there's anyone to blame for that direct response, it's me.

I just want him to be READY just in case it does happen, and in my opinion, it WILL happen at least once.

So far, cykeson has the right mindset. Keep it professional. Keep this mindset going.

But I will agree with f28.
Cykeson, you need more options... OUT of the workplace.

As a professional, I'll tell you that she probably did you a favor in the first place. 5 years is a LONG timeline. Imagine had you two gone further into a relationship and then the rift was a lot less amicable? That would have made the next 5 years a LOT more unbearable. So keep the upper hand, run with the frame and never lose control.

Now that I know that you are definitely getting over her/already over her... then I know that your next encounter will go as smoothly as the first.


Now, get out there in the real world and pick up some plates... and I don't care if its clockwise or counter, you spin them like they never been spun before.

 

[cykeson]

f28300: Haha, that's probably because i am an engineer. Mixed up work and relationship. Actually,i am already at the point where i know this chapter is closed. As far as i look at it, it'll not work out.

But in terms of getting over her, i still need to work on that. Not so much as i'm still trying or hoping, no. Rather, at times the memories does replay in my mind whether i like it or not. Simple stuff or coincidence, that accidentally trigger some memories. Of course in time i'll flush it out, just that it's still fresh. Maybe in a month it'll get better. Or, as others pointed out, when i find a new chick

But i don't see it as a problem that time won't heal. Btw, i did tell her that.
That i don't think we can be friends, when she blew me off. I think that's the only smart move i did in that whole fiasco.

Kailex: I draw inspirations from your advise. It's like a big brother smacking some sense and "man" him up (i don't have a brother)

"it WILL happen at least once". Whoa, i straighten my back when i read that line. it WILL? Now that would be my test then... I never told you about this, but there's a story 2 years ago...

2 years ago, i went after another woman, 6 years older. She's a chemist for Dow Corning. However, this woman is good in the sense that she didn't play with me. In order not to encourage me further (and not being flaky like this current one), she told me before i proceed further, that it wouldn't work.

I stopped contacting her for about 6 months. After that, we do send general messages just to find out how each other are doing (hi, how are you?). By that time, i already met up with the architect, got my heart set only on her. That's when somehow me and the chemist reconnected our friendship, as i seek her advise on all this matter regarding older woman stuff.

Why am i telling you this? Because i just remembered somewhere along the line, she DID mention that she regretted turning me down. That she thought i was the perfect boyfriend and was even on the verge of calling the architect to tell her not to do the same mistake she did and turn me down. After close to a year, only then she regretted it and let me know about it... BUT that time i maintained my composure because i already had my heart on the architect.

What i'm trying to say is, if a girl who dumped me, then telling me she regret it... I can maintain that guy with power and turn her down, because i already had another chick. Yes, i am spinning my plates now to find another girl who is worthy of me, but at times i do wonder what if the architect came back to me before i do so? Like i mentioned previously, i like the sense of power now and i'm quite sure i'll turn my back on her. QUITE sure. I still have that strength in me. But, i won't know till it happens for real.

In any case, i'll heed on strongly to both you and f283000's advise. Stop thinking about her and keep it professional. I haven't totally gotten over her yet, but i'm definitely getting over her. Thanks to all of you.

I was too arrogant. I tried to prove people wrong, that i can be the nice/afc guy and still win the girl's heart, just because of my looks and job. Now i humbly admit that those superficial values means nothing. Nothing at all.

 

[Kailex]

I just want you to be ready for the possibility that she might contact you again. She's a woman, she'll have a bruised ego now because you aren't giving her the attention that she's craving. Now that you have the correct mindset, you can begin to move forward.

Like I said before, 5 years is a long time. Let her simmer in her own stew of dating misery now.

She lost the prize.

Remember that. Not just for the next 5 years with her, but any other woman that comes along your path in life and can't see that you are the man!

But please, promise me, no more handmade cards for women you are dating, ok?

Keep us updated!

 

[Metaphysical]

You are an idiot.

Why would you send her flowers before even sleeping with her?

 

[cykeson]

Hey, there's no need for insult. It's a mistake and i paid the price, i get that.

Like i said, i was trying to show her i was serious. An ill advise move given by my older women friends who wanted me to show her i'm serious.

 

[Metaphysical]

You were trying to show her you were SERIOUS about what? About being seriously creepy? Yes. Congratulations, you managed to do it.

This 30 year old lady wanted a good time to relax after her stressful job and you were that young piece of meat she was going to enjoy and then throw out once she was done with you. But you had to get creepy and send her flowers and romantic cards. To her that screamed: "OMG he's getting attached to me, if this keeps going on, I won't be able to get rid of him and he will stalk me at work and make me uncomfortable!"

And second of all, what the heck are you doing hitting on a woman you are working with?

Things are gonna be so awkward now at your job. I can feel the tension from across cyber-space.

 

[cykeson]

Sarcasm eh? You know what, I see no constructive criticism from you. I appreciate a proper way to advise (as the previous posters done so) rather than just jesting and attempting to get on my nerves.

 

[Metaphysical]

Sarcasm eh? You know what, I see no constructive criticism from you. I appreciate a proper way to advise (as the previous posters done so) rather than just jesting and attempting to get on my nerves.

There is no sarcasm in my post.

Read it again and again till it sinks in.

Seriously, print it and read it tomorrow as well if you don't get it.

What do you think a 30 year old woman wants from a 25 year old man? Love? God no. Just what you have between your legs.

 

[Rescue Mission]

Sarcasm eh? You know what, I see no constructive criticism from you. I appreciate a proper way to advise (as the previous posters done so) rather than just jesting and attempting to get on my nerves.

jesus christ dude..........as a man, you should learn to be able to take HARD advice from other men. Stop being all proper nice guyish who does not know how to react when another man tries to talk real-talk with him.

You gotta take the tough love like a man, otherwise you just make yourself look like a sensitive pvssy who can not even handle another man talking anything but nice to him.......man the hell up buddy

 

[cykeson]

Ok, i didn't know that. I thought you were personally attacking me. Where i come from, tough love is quite strange (asian countries). If you're doing that for my own good, thanks then.

 

[f283000]

Like i said, i was trying to show her i was serious. An ill advise move given by my older women friends who wanted me to show her i'm serious.

Never ask or take advice about women from women. You learned this lesson the hard way. You should have come to us first :yes: