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Fundamental Conversation Strategy
by Jake Stevens (www.pickupskills.com)
Note: Before reading this article, it’s recommended that you first read “The 3 Elements of Conversation” to get a better understanding of the following techniques.
The Most Common Mistake in Conversation
The single most common mistake many men make in conversation is asking too many questions. Questions are necessary and play an important role in conversation but they must be used wisely. Asking too many questions makes it sound like an interview, while asking too few questions can make it seem as if you’re not very interested in what she has to say. Any which way you look at it, you’ll be classified as a “boring” conversationalist.
The solution to this problem is to incorporate the other two elements of conversation–comments and disclosures–into the mix. Comments and disclosures combined with questions add more variability and less predictability to the conversation. There’s a simple and effective method to it all.
Follow Up Comments
Whenever you ask questions or the woman voluntarily speaks, the first thought that should trigger in your mind is how you will comment on whatever it is that she’s talking about. Here’s an example we’ll use for the remainder of the lesson:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
As she’s responding, you should be thinking about how to comment on what she’s saying, not about what question to ask next. This exercise does wonders in sharpening your listening skills.
You: “Now that sounds like hard work!”
Note how I commented on her response rather than asking a predictable follow up question like, “Where do you like to go?” It takes a higher level of listening to make a follow up comment than it does to ask a follow up question.
If you also had a follow up question in your mind that you were tempted to use but didn’t, then you are on the right path. Although you didn’t follow with a question, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have had one in the back of your mind.
As a general rule, always formulate at least one follow up question and keep it in your head even if you may not use it. We’ll see why potential follow up questions are so important later in the lesson.
Follow Up Disclosures
This brings us to the next part of the lesson. What if you can’t think of any witty or humorous follow up comments? Sometimes it will be difficult to quickly come up with a spontaneous comment, especially if you’re new to the skill. When you’ve tried your best to make a follow up comment but simply can’t, then your second option is to follow up with a disclosure. Let’s see how this works:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
You: “Really? I used to be able to do that!”
This time I followed up with a statement of self-disclosure rather than a comment.
A follow up question should usually be your last option once you’ve tried to follow with either a comment or a disclosure. Apply this methodical procedure to as many of the questions you ask as you can. It will prevent you from ever being categorized as an “interviewer” and/or a boring conversationalist.
Follow Up Questions
Now that we’ve covered some of the basics of conversation strategy, we can take the concepts a step further.
I mentioned earlier that it was important to also always have relevant follow up questions in mind. The reason for this is to allow you to keep the conversation from stalling and becoming awkward if the follow up comment(s) or disclosure(s) doesn’t provide enough conversational stimulation.
Most of the time follow up comments and disclosures will act as “prompters”. They’ll usually prompt women to speak or prompt them to ask you questions. Let’s revisit the example:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
You: “Now that sounds like hard work!”
In this case the follow up comment will act as a prompter, prompting her to speak again.
Her: Giggling, “Yeah, I know, it’s like a full-time job!”
Notice that she responded with a humorous comment of her own. She wasn’t aware of it but she had actually used the same exact technique you just used on her -- a follow up comment based on the last thing said.
When you comment on a woman’s response, 8 times out of 10 they will be prompted to say something in return. Use it as relevancy fuel.
From the comment the girl made in response to yours, you can actually go through the same process again. You can look to comment or disclose based on what she said. If you wanted to comment you could have said, “You’re a wild one!” and she would have laughed before saying something in response.
Likewise, if instead you had wanted to disclose for whatever reason, you could have said, “I may not be able to keep up with that!” and this would have made her laugh as well. But in this instance she most likely would have thrown the same question right back at you with, “How often do you go out?” Normally, whenever you disclose, women naturally will be prompted to ask you questions to find out more about you.
This entire process can continue on endlessly, but be careful not to become a one-sided conversationalist in this regard. You don’t always need to stick to only using a follow up comment or only using a follow up disclosure. You can combine them and use them both at the same time as well.
By combining them, you would have followed with, “You’re a wild one! I may not be able to keep up with that!” The first sentence was the follow up comment and the second sentence the disclosure. Always remember to add spice to the conversation whenever possible.
These follow up techniques all hinge on the woman responding to your comment or disclosure. So what do you do when she doesn’t respond to a follow up comment or disclosure? This is when you use one of the follow up questions that you formulated and patiently kept around in your head. Let’s go back to the example we’ve been working with:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
You: “Now that sounds like hard work!”
Her: Laughs (but no response)
The difference in this situation is that the woman doesn’t respond to the comment like she did previously and so you’re forced to follow with something, preferably a question to keep the rapport going smooth.
You: “Where do you like to go?”
Here was a follow up question that was relevant to the original question (“How often do you go out?”) and her response to it (“Almost every night”). Other potential questions could have been, “Where do you get all that energy from?” or “How do you make so much time?”
You can now start this strategic conversational procedure all over again as she responds. This time around however, you’ll be deeper into the topic of conversation and thus will usually have more to work with, in terms of sub-topics.
Once you get into the habit of making follow up comments and disclosures, adding in follow up questions is a cinch. With creative usage of these three elements the possibilities and variations in conversation are virtually limitless.
As long as you stay focused on the conversation, you can keep it going as long as you
want and it will always be exciting. These three elements and the strategies behind them are what make conversation fun, interesting and spontaneous. And it doesn’t matter so much what you’re talking about. It’s the intricacies of conversation that carry the most weight.
Summary
These three elements of conversation allow you to easily move from point to point during conversation without sounding like you’re interrogating women. With a firm grounding in the fundamentals of conversation strategy you can handle all the twists and turns of spontaneity in conversation. In essence, you’re able to bend and match to anything thrown your way.
Questions are the backbone of conversation and will allow you to set off a chain of rapport when combined with comments and disclosures. The general strategy can be summed up in four general steps:
Step One: Ask a question (or follow up question)
Step Two: Try to follow up with a comment
Step Three: Try to follow up with a disclosure
Step Four: Ask a follow up question
As you become more comfortable with this simple and effective conversation strategy, look to become more creative with these powerful tools and concepts you now possess. You can see how this basic conversation strategy is used in the dialogue example of this supermarket pickup.
-Jake Stevens
Master Pickup Artist
www.pickupskills.com
by Jake Stevens (www.pickupskills.com)
Note: Before reading this article, it’s recommended that you first read “The 3 Elements of Conversation” to get a better understanding of the following techniques.
The Most Common Mistake in Conversation
The single most common mistake many men make in conversation is asking too many questions. Questions are necessary and play an important role in conversation but they must be used wisely. Asking too many questions makes it sound like an interview, while asking too few questions can make it seem as if you’re not very interested in what she has to say. Any which way you look at it, you’ll be classified as a “boring” conversationalist.
The solution to this problem is to incorporate the other two elements of conversation–comments and disclosures–into the mix. Comments and disclosures combined with questions add more variability and less predictability to the conversation. There’s a simple and effective method to it all.
Follow Up Comments
Whenever you ask questions or the woman voluntarily speaks, the first thought that should trigger in your mind is how you will comment on whatever it is that she’s talking about. Here’s an example we’ll use for the remainder of the lesson:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
As she’s responding, you should be thinking about how to comment on what she’s saying, not about what question to ask next. This exercise does wonders in sharpening your listening skills.
You: “Now that sounds like hard work!”
Note how I commented on her response rather than asking a predictable follow up question like, “Where do you like to go?” It takes a higher level of listening to make a follow up comment than it does to ask a follow up question.
If you also had a follow up question in your mind that you were tempted to use but didn’t, then you are on the right path. Although you didn’t follow with a question, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have had one in the back of your mind.
As a general rule, always formulate at least one follow up question and keep it in your head even if you may not use it. We’ll see why potential follow up questions are so important later in the lesson.
Follow Up Disclosures
This brings us to the next part of the lesson. What if you can’t think of any witty or humorous follow up comments? Sometimes it will be difficult to quickly come up with a spontaneous comment, especially if you’re new to the skill. When you’ve tried your best to make a follow up comment but simply can’t, then your second option is to follow up with a disclosure. Let’s see how this works:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
You: “Really? I used to be able to do that!”
This time I followed up with a statement of self-disclosure rather than a comment.
A follow up question should usually be your last option once you’ve tried to follow with either a comment or a disclosure. Apply this methodical procedure to as many of the questions you ask as you can. It will prevent you from ever being categorized as an “interviewer” and/or a boring conversationalist.
Follow Up Questions
Now that we’ve covered some of the basics of conversation strategy, we can take the concepts a step further.
I mentioned earlier that it was important to also always have relevant follow up questions in mind. The reason for this is to allow you to keep the conversation from stalling and becoming awkward if the follow up comment(s) or disclosure(s) doesn’t provide enough conversational stimulation.
Most of the time follow up comments and disclosures will act as “prompters”. They’ll usually prompt women to speak or prompt them to ask you questions. Let’s revisit the example:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
You: “Now that sounds like hard work!”
In this case the follow up comment will act as a prompter, prompting her to speak again.
Her: Giggling, “Yeah, I know, it’s like a full-time job!”
Notice that she responded with a humorous comment of her own. She wasn’t aware of it but she had actually used the same exact technique you just used on her -- a follow up comment based on the last thing said.
When you comment on a woman’s response, 8 times out of 10 they will be prompted to say something in return. Use it as relevancy fuel.
From the comment the girl made in response to yours, you can actually go through the same process again. You can look to comment or disclose based on what she said. If you wanted to comment you could have said, “You’re a wild one!” and she would have laughed before saying something in response.
Likewise, if instead you had wanted to disclose for whatever reason, you could have said, “I may not be able to keep up with that!” and this would have made her laugh as well. But in this instance she most likely would have thrown the same question right back at you with, “How often do you go out?” Normally, whenever you disclose, women naturally will be prompted to ask you questions to find out more about you.
This entire process can continue on endlessly, but be careful not to become a one-sided conversationalist in this regard. You don’t always need to stick to only using a follow up comment or only using a follow up disclosure. You can combine them and use them both at the same time as well.
By combining them, you would have followed with, “You’re a wild one! I may not be able to keep up with that!” The first sentence was the follow up comment and the second sentence the disclosure. Always remember to add spice to the conversation whenever possible.
These follow up techniques all hinge on the woman responding to your comment or disclosure. So what do you do when she doesn’t respond to a follow up comment or disclosure? This is when you use one of the follow up questions that you formulated and patiently kept around in your head. Let’s go back to the example we’ve been working with:
You: “How often do you go out?”
Her: “Almost every night”
You: “Now that sounds like hard work!”
Her: Laughs (but no response)
The difference in this situation is that the woman doesn’t respond to the comment like she did previously and so you’re forced to follow with something, preferably a question to keep the rapport going smooth.
You: “Where do you like to go?”
Here was a follow up question that was relevant to the original question (“How often do you go out?”) and her response to it (“Almost every night”). Other potential questions could have been, “Where do you get all that energy from?” or “How do you make so much time?”
You can now start this strategic conversational procedure all over again as she responds. This time around however, you’ll be deeper into the topic of conversation and thus will usually have more to work with, in terms of sub-topics.
Once you get into the habit of making follow up comments and disclosures, adding in follow up questions is a cinch. With creative usage of these three elements the possibilities and variations in conversation are virtually limitless.
As long as you stay focused on the conversation, you can keep it going as long as you
want and it will always be exciting. These three elements and the strategies behind them are what make conversation fun, interesting and spontaneous. And it doesn’t matter so much what you’re talking about. It’s the intricacies of conversation that carry the most weight.
Summary
These three elements of conversation allow you to easily move from point to point during conversation without sounding like you’re interrogating women. With a firm grounding in the fundamentals of conversation strategy you can handle all the twists and turns of spontaneity in conversation. In essence, you’re able to bend and match to anything thrown your way.
Questions are the backbone of conversation and will allow you to set off a chain of rapport when combined with comments and disclosures. The general strategy can be summed up in four general steps:
Step One: Ask a question (or follow up question)
Step Two: Try to follow up with a comment
Step Three: Try to follow up with a disclosure
Step Four: Ask a follow up question
As you become more comfortable with this simple and effective conversation strategy, look to become more creative with these powerful tools and concepts you now possess. You can see how this basic conversation strategy is used in the dialogue example of this supermarket pickup.
-Jake Stevens
Master Pickup Artist
www.pickupskills.com
That doesn't seem likely though.
