Screwed without 'the gift of gab'?

[matius]

I'm really beginning to see a pattern here. And as much as I'm in denial about it and think it sucks, it's logical to think it would be true. Those who are able to talk more will get the girl.

I have a friend, a friend who when gets involved with a girl gets attached and does the most ridiculous things within two weeks of going out with them. AFC to the hilt yet gets all the girls! Doesn't have sex with them but gets them attached like crazy.

The reason I come up with...plays in a band, orchestrates many acquaintances, tells many stories right off the bat on any subject and has alot of friends.

When we were all out last night at some girls house, you could tell that the chatty dude was getting the most attention from the girls. Not just because he was speaking the most, just with questions about him - what he thought. May sound obvious to you but it seems some girls might like a bit more of a challenge. I don't know.

Now, even if you're not hilarious when you speak, or even if every word not coming out of your mouth is something to relish. Is it considered more suave to talk more. I guess it is.

Even someone I know who talks COMPLETE BullSh.it has a pretty tight girlfriend. I mean this kid can sell a piece of shyte to toilet factory. His life is a bloody mess though.

So, are those of us who are less apt to speak on every subject the night produces less of a don juan just by default?

C'mon, I'll appreciate any replies.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

I predict you're gonna get quite a few replies here saying things like "sauve means quiet and sophisticated" and that being calm and quiet will get you the chicks.

I disagree with these guys.

I agree with the alpha male story and chicks love someone who a) will entertain and educate them, b) is not afraid to be extroverted and speak in a 1 - 1 or group and c) just demonstrates a lot of simple confidence.

My opinion is probably based on my own style of dealing with people, but I'm quite chatty in any given situation, and find it works a lot better than being the quiet mysterious one. Works for me - YMMV.

Oscar.

 

[blayde]

GAB,,,,the good and bad

Yeah, that sort of endless, inane, pointless, chatfest is definately annoying to most guys at first. I prefer subjects with some meat.

But DONT discount that kind of chatting. For ONE, chicks are VERBAL creatures, and there's a value to all that bulljive:

1. It shows youre normal, and can be an interesting conversationalist without getting TOO deep all the time.
2. People who can talk on their feet are genuine entertainers and are generally well liked(provided the gab is interesting and has some level of emotional excitement)

My advice to you is to PRACTICE. START talking.

It may be hard at first, but if you will put WORDS to the thoughts in your head, then youre ok.
Most likely, you have a lot of THOUGHTS but youre not VERBALIZING them.

BTW....i had the SAME problem for years, but overcame it.

Women need emotional excitement, and WORDS(and actions)give it to them.

 

[Starman]

Matius..my theory in life is

#1 YOU SHOULD HAVE A POINT OF VIEW ON EVERYTHING..EVERYTHING!

thats why it is so important to be cultured..and even know a little something about things you arent interested in..(Hate Chess?? You should Still know how the game is played..and have some insight into it....Hate Country Music?? You should at LEAST have listened to some..and know some Top Country singers)

Knowledge is POWER

#2 The 2nd is the ability to have the CONFIDENCE to express a point of view..the reason your friend is getting all the ladies is because Chattiness in women is usually equated with CONFIDENCE..imagine a corporate office meeting..who impresses coworkers more? The talkative one who has a point of view..or the guy that just sits quietly and scribbles?

#3 Entertainment..Most people in social situations are passive participants..(ever have a conversation with someone..where you are doing all the questions..and they answer with one word responses?) That = Underdeveloped Social Skills

Most people dont have the best social skills..so when Somebody takes the lead..tells stories..and ENtertains..breaks the Ice..puts people in a relaxed mood..he is going to appear very appealing (to both guys and girls)

Some people have a natural gift of gab..I personally find people who talk too much annoying..but you DONT have to be the center of attention .. Just have some entertaining input..and chime in once in a while

 

[matius]

Thanks for the responses so far you guys...

Some people have a natural gift of gab..I personally find people who talk too much annoying..but you DONT have to be the center of attention .. Just have some entertaining input..and chime in once in a while.

Yes, I'm horrible at telling stories. I think someone posted a thread on how to tell better stories the other day. I might talk about a part of a television show that was hilarious to me, but that person didn't quite find it as amusing (That's frustrating because I have to think about not having had the right things to say...the more popular parts of the show you know- an example of bad convos I guess.).

But I've always looked at the situation like a double-edged sword. My sisters fiancee is the type to walk into the room - be the life of the party- get people wrapped around his finger - exchange digits - -

...but at other times I swear I'm looking for the off button.

 

[Starman]

What exactly do you mean "horrible at telling stories"?

you dont know how to start? follow through? captivate the audience? if you could pinpoint the exact problem..we may be able to advise..

or perhaps..its just YOU who thinks you tell horrible stories..so you refrain from doin it?

You seem to know what is interesting and what ISNT..that is the most important criteria for telling stories..

 

[Player_Supreme]

this is from a post on another site:

Most men just do not know how to talk to women. I am going to tell you about a technique to use on women to make you a master at conversation.
If you ask women open ended questions and you will never be at a loss.
All right mutha ****a's, you are probably thinking, what the hell is an open ended question (unless you've been in sales before)? An open-ended question is a question that begins with one of the following words:
What, Why, Where, When, and How.


An open-ended question cannot be answered with a one word answer and you can get a woman talking for an hour if you ask the right questions. If you become an expert at asking open-ended questions you will never again be at a loss for words on what to say to a woman.

Here are a few examples:


What was your last boyfriend like...this will give you clues as to how much abuse she will take...if she say's he was an ******* I paid for everything...let your pimp brain do the rest.
**I know some of you don't like to ask about negative subjects and all that speed seduction stuff*****


When were you last in love and what was it like for you....this type of question puts her into a state of remembering what love felt like and it makes her more suggestable to your direction.


There are probably dozens of questions you can ask but the important thing to remember is to keep the b*tch talking.



This type of questioning allows you to get inside her head. *****es will percieve you as being genuwine (and your not), Real (don't make me laugh), and Personable (if only they knew the truth), and really interested in them (need I comment).


We know you only have one goal and that is to play the game and play it well.
For you beginners out there try formulating 5 open-ended questions before you speak to a b*tch.

You can take one subject matter and work it to death by just breaking it down...for example:

1. where do you live
a. do you like it there?
b. what do you like about living there?
c. how long have you been there?
2. where did you live before
a. how long were you there
b. tell me about living there
c. why did you leave

ect ect...just one subject and you will get hoards of info from her little mind. And you will be elevated in her's for taking a deeper than shallow interest.... Whom would you like to spend your time talking too...someone who gets nervous and asks you plain questions or someone who seems to take a true interest in the real U..

Getting a mouth piece is all about taking the spot light off you and putting it on her. Some big mouths will f**k this sh*t up for example take the first series of questions above they will ask it and they tell there sh*t like Oh yeah I used to live there and boy was it...blah blah blah...you get the idea
Don't do this sh*t. Keep that light on her and remain a mystery to her... When she asks you questions deliberately joke around and be vague in your answers.

So you see there is really nothing to talking to fine women except taking a true interest in the real person before you and not her tits & ass.

There are no magic 1st liners...forget that sh*t it doesn't exists. Nothing beats walking up to someone and say Hello! What's your name....Hey Susie, my name is Pimpin, nice to meet you...are you from here? and off you go.

You gotta learn to use the surrounding to spark off a topic. I like to take something in the area and make a funny comment on it as a way of introduction. This way your coming at her from a side angle instead of straight up in her face, then begin my attack.
_________________
Play the game or get played by the game, your choice. In the art of love their are no victims only volunteers.

 

[matius]

Right on Supreme/Starman, thanks for the responses.

What exactly do you mean "horrible at telling stories"

I mean I'm not very good at small talk. Small banter is quite difficult for me...I just don't care about the small incidents that happens throughout ones day. So I don't always take mental notes as to incidents in the past that happens. That's how I think much of a conversation works. Someone tells a story from the past the relates to the topic at hand - which started from small banter.

So I might tell a story with some people on a back porch. When the actual situation took place, it could have been a classic story that if told right would have supplied some material for years right.

But when I tell it, it just comes out mildly amusing with not much reaction from the crowd. Or, a 'that's it' kind of sentiment.

Now there have been moments with people I know really well I've killed with my stories or way of thought. Usually if I know someone better I'll have way off tangents that click because they tend to know what I'm talking about or referring to.

Also, when going out on a date or getting to know people in general...I always think if they're willing to get past the initial stages we could have a really good time and cool far out talks...but most the time people aren't willing to crack into somebody who doesn't lay it all out or talk a shyte load unless they are truly interested.

That's why I'm posting this because I find it to be true in my case. I talk and string sentences together, but don't have on hand material for every bloody subject in the world- which my chatty-kathy friends seem to have by the butt load.

 

[Starman]

well there is your problem..you really dont seem to take interest in other people's lives/stories/hobbies, etc..

and Let me tell you, YOU are missing out...part of social skill building entails trying to develop an interest in people's lives (EVEN tho they can be extremely boring sometimes)

I have an arsenal of stories..and I always chime in to add to someone else's story..some of my stories are duds..and some always get a laugh..So the duds..I usually never retell again..its a trial and error process

but first of all..get oUTSIDE of your own life..and get involved in others..

Ive actually sat down with bums, drank beer with them..and listened to their life stories

 

[matius]

I know you're right.

 

[matius]

Theres alot of times where I feel people would rather not take an interest in me or what I'm doing. Especially with the girls I'm interested in. Seems like it would be a two-way street.

That could be one of my problems too, thinking why would they care about the small shyte that happens or has happened to me. Based on them not asking any questions about what I'm into. Also, maybe my memory is less than apt to do so.

 

[Starman]

no..its your own views on life "If Im not interested in what they have to say, why would they possibly be interested in what I have to say?"

you need to start actively listening to people..and when you realize their stories are interesting..then you'll realize your stories might be interesting to..and people would WANT to listen..

 

[Drow]

This post actually has already helped me see what I was doing right ..

matius,

I used to be the same way until recentley. I was never very good at conversing with others. I was pretty unsocial in highschool, and didn't have a lot of friends. I didn't really see the point in talking with everyone.. I talked to my friends and to people who talked to me, but I stayed mostly in my small social circle. What a mistake..

It hasn't been until very recentley that I've come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at talking. I never really gave myself the chance. It was last night that really set it into concrete that I am good at talking with people.

Last night I was at my friends 20th bday party.. I was already excited because there were going to be out of the house with lots of alcohol and lots of girls, and sure to be fun so I was in a good mental mindset.

That's important for being out in the field is that you are in a generally happy, good mood.

I'll just go ahead and list the things I have noticed that are effective..

1) Good sense of humor - this is important. I relate to people through humor. And its not hard. I just listen to people talk and put a funny twist on it. Watch comedy central, conan o'brien and most importantly hang around funny people. Its really easy. The really funny people are the people who observe the situation around them and just make funny comments and points about whats happening.
2) Talk to everyone. This is important. You have to develope your social skills by talking with people you don't know. Most people want to know other people, but are shy.. like you. As someone already stated, the most likeable people are the ones that talk and open people up. People who can get other people comfortable about talking and having a good time. Talk to people who seem kind of shy. Open them up. Talk to people who talk a lot. Shows that you are comfortable talking, and you can make interesting conversation.
3) The power of observation. This goes hand-in-hand with everything. It is essential to being a good conversationalist. Like I said with humor, it is just being observant of your enviroment and seeing things in a funny light. When in a social setting, notice the things going on around you. As you develope this skill, you'll learn how to use your humor and power of observation to jump your way into conversations.
4) It matters not what you say. I say some stupid **** sometimes, but I am learning not to care. It doesn't really matter. I am able to go out and enjoy myself and say what ever I think about. People who say whatever the hell they want to say are generally likeable people. Within some reasonable context.
5) Practice. Learn to be comfortable with what you say. Communication is vital to being succesful. Like I said before, talk to everyone. You don't have to like them.. just talk to them.

Check out Mr. Fingers post on "Overcoming Social Phobias" if you haven't already (if you have, read it again). Good stuff.

 

[matius]

Hmmm, that's awesome...thanks Drow.

 

[DjDreamer]

When meeting freinds or strangers, one can either...

1. Talk to share knowledge.

OR

2. Talk just to hear oneself talk...being expressive...having confidence while speaking...loving to hear the sound of ones voice.

Intention 1 is obtained by vigilantly pursuing knowledge and having the will to share that knowledge with others.

Intention 2 is obtained by liquer......it can also be obtained by practising creative writing/speaking.

If you don't think what you say is important then how can you expect others to be interested with what you say? Those who wish to be interesting speakers need to practise some verbal masterbation (drama classes, reading out loud and passionately uttering ones thoughts)

 

[Slickster]

A good friend of mine has one of the best "Gifts of Gab" you could imagine. This guy can talk to anyone about anything. He manages to land his share of women but he's had one girlfriend in the last 10 years. Things usually begin well for him but the women flake out on him after awhile. He's 30 yrs old, good looking, and a doctor.

My analysis is this: I know him very well. Well enough to know that although he has tons of great things going for him he is one of the most insecure guys around.

He worries about everything. He uses his Gift of Gab to cover up for all his insecurities. He does a great job when initially meeting someone but as time goes on he talks too much and it backfires on him. They see right thru his confident exterior straight to the insecure side of him.

Just some food for thought. Talking alot isn't going to do much for you if you're not saying the right stuff.

Quality not Quantity.

 

[matius]

If you don't think what you say is important then how can you expect others to be interested with what you say?

This is something I need to think about for a while. I understand it, but I just need to absorb it- thank you.

Slickster- I've got a friend just like the one you mentioned. To the bloody T.

 

[Drow]

I think it was Pook who said that women want two things in a MAN:
1) Sense of humor
2) Sense of self

I have always had a sense of humor, but the latter is only now coming around. I felt for a long time that I was very unstable and insecure, which was true. Mr. Fingers also pointed out something in his post "Authentic Confidence" which got me thinking. He said when you are talking to people are you entering their world, or are they entering yours? This is important. I always entered other peoples world.

When you have a strong sense of self you stop caring about what other people think. I used to be a drifter. I tried too hard to get people to like me. I tried to converse with people, find out about them, but I would lose my sense of self. I entered their world so to speak. I don't know really how to articulate it, but sense of self is knowing who you are, your weaknesses and strengths. But its only through improving myself that I started believing in me, that I have what it takes, that I began developing my sense of self.

This is kind of confusing.. i'm going to do a post on this in the future..