NewMan
Master Don Juan
Re - read your original post....
Scared of hurting her
- Thread starter Dirtheart
- Start date
It's ironic, huh?? 
But it does prove two things: people want what they can't have and people are easier to control when their ego is damaged.
Luckily I have more pride in myself these days, so have no intention of trying to get her back or even taking her back if she offers.
But it does prove two things: people want what they can't have and people are easier to control when their ego is damaged.
Luckily I have more pride in myself these days, so have no intention of trying to get her back or even taking her back if she offers.
I'm bumping this up...because I have a STRONG feeling that this is always going to be the story of my life and wanted to see more responses about this particular issue (which is not identical to this one but I can see some similarities now and in the future).Dirtheart said:
Telling a woman that you are putting the brakes on is like telling a kid he won't be getting a Christmas present. They don't accept it too well.
The only answer which I find to work in any half acceptable type of way is to say "Isn't the most important thing to be able to enjoy each others company. Can't we just concentrate on that, because that is what everyone in a long term relationship wants to do anyway".
The only answer which I find to work in any half acceptable type of way is to say "Isn't the most important thing to be able to enjoy each others company. Can't we just concentrate on that, because that is what everyone in a long term relationship wants to do anyway".
SoCalMike
Senior Don Juan
yeah i've been in this situation too, many times. it sucks. personally, when i start feeling this way the girl can sense it and she forces the truth out of me. i can't string her along very long, and so it usually just ends.
my belief is, there is no way to avoid hurting her at this point. it's like a person hooked on heroin. they're either going to stay on the drug (your relationship) or be taken off it and suffer withdrawal symptoms.
wish there was some easy way out my friend, but there isn't.
my belief is, there is no way to avoid hurting her at this point. it's like a person hooked on heroin. they're either going to stay on the drug (your relationship) or be taken off it and suffer withdrawal symptoms.
wish there was some easy way out my friend, but there isn't.
Well...I might be in a similar situation now. I was not kidding when I wrote that thread couple months ago in which I stated that I was getting tired about the temper tamtrums (PMS or not). In fact, I remember saying that if by November she continued with this stuff...that I would start considering leaving.
Rollo Tomassi
Master Don Juan
We only chase what runs from us.Dirtheart said:
The reason a woman pursues a man is because he is unavailable to her. Whether that's emotionally, physically, personally, etc. is up to the individual woman. It's just this subtle anxiety that needs to be cultivated and perfected like a fine art in order to maintain the frame in your favor. Eventually it needs to become an automatic response. This isn't an endorsement of domineering a woman, but it is a key to keeping your own attentions and the security she derives from them as valuable a commodity as will keep you desirable.
I left my ex 5months ago. Our relationship lasted 1 year. When I left her she was totally into me: I made her happy & brought stability in her life. I was her world. She changed a lot just to please me, sexually, householdery,... did her best she could to make me happy.Latinoman said:
She changed so much in that little time we were together, that I know I could have "mold" her to something nice.
Problem is that I have goals (carreer, business, weightlifting, ... ). The time I gave to her, was time I could not invest in achieving my goals. A 2nd reason is that at 25 I just felt to young to settle with that woman. Wanted to fvck other women (I don't cheat).
The last 2 months were heavy. As Rollo T says: we only chase what runs from us. I got so much into my goals, that she started to see me much less (once a week happened, sometimes not during a whole week). Lots of (legimate) nagging coming from her side because of this, but counterproductive nagging: I simply didn't want to see her because of her nagging all the time, so we saw eachothers even less... Vicious circle.
Her nagging made it clear to me that I had a choice to make. Then it happened one day just like that: over. I felt free.
5 months later, many oppurtunities, but I haven't replaced her, and I won't anytime soon. We had no contact since the breakup, I prefer it that way. People talk however, I know she has replaced me, quite fast actually.
*************************
People tend to underestimate woman. Yes women are fragile, but much less than we tend to think. Yes you can hurt them, but they will survive. I think that women are actually much tougher in this than men: as emotional persons they have much less regard for a guy's feelings.
IMO it's your responsibility as a man to make a woman happy. If that means that you have to leave her because you can not reciprocate her love, well then leave so she can be happy with somebody else. Women are not dumb, they feel this, just as you would feel it when a woman does not reciprocate your love.
There's a difference between seducing women & having a mature relationship with a woman. A healthy relationship is based on respect. Respect means having respect for the other's person feelings & treating her accordingly. When skilled you can play games & ignore her nagging about she not being happy, but for how long? months? years? the rest of your life?
Reality is that you can't have both worlds. You can not have an LTR & fvcking other women at the same time, you can not have an LTR & invest all your freetime in your goals, you can not make a woman happy by not giving her the love she needs,... You can, but only if you disrespect the other person, which will haunt you later on.
Your responsibility as a man (leader) is to choose. Make the choice she can not make. You make her happy or you leave so she can be happy with somebody else.
newbie81 said:
What broke the camels back was this past weekend when I stopped by her house. She was having issues. I tried to console her and she was happy. She wanted me to take some stuff with me (food) and I said "no, thanks" that I was not hungry. She got VERY PISSED off. I tried to caress her face and give her a kiss and she literally pushed me away and told me not to touch her.
So...I left and felt a little hurt too. Then she called me and like ALWAYS came with some kind of justification about her temper tamtrum.
It is coming down to this. The following day (and for that matter week) I had to work a little bit late. Just a week or so. First time this happen since we were together. Meaning that we didn't ride together to our respective work. But we still saw each other at night and even during the morning as we slept together. She had issues because of that. Even IMPLYING that I was neglecting the relationship in favor of my work and trying to tell me what I didn't need to do in order to move up in my career (note: I am a SENIOR in my field and she is VERY JUNIOR in hers...so I didn't appreciate her remarks).
Add this to other stuff I have mentioned in the past...and you could see a vicious cycle developing.
Unfortunatelly we have a trip together taking place in a month or so. Everything already paid. So, I have to tolerate this crap.
I think she is sensing that her nagging and whinning and ultimatums are not working anymore. There is one reason why...I already know it is over. And I met a woman that is 16 years her junior (e.g. a woman in her 20s). This one is already hooked. BIG TIME hooked (yep, the story of my life).
EXACTLY!
Well...I wish I could say the same. But I can't.
I agree 100% with this.
It is hard due to logistics stuff (most of my clothes are there...plane tickets...holiday commitments). So, I have to drag this for a few weeks.
I tried. My role now is to make things smoother and try not to hurt her as much.
Don't always be the one putting yourself out for her. Don't always be the one putting all the effort and work into the relationship. Let her, and expect her, to treat you as well as you treat her, and to improve the quality of your life.
Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.
I can totally relate to everything you write: emotionally unstable, doesn't mind her own business, dares giving you advice on what you should do with your life/job/carreer,... red flags all over the place. A man can live with this for a while, but eventually it becomes a burden. But you know all of this already.
So I'll write about something else: timing & ending it properly.
Remember this: The best moment to end the relationship is NOW
The 2 last months with my ex were tough: I walked away a lot, sometimes even for silly things, I admit. The reason why I acted like that was that I was fed up with her, her behaviour & the whole LTR. I broke off with her on several occasions during that same period, but always to re-unite a few days later because I thought that "the timing wasn't right".
There are always reasons not to end the relationship: family meeting planned, invited somewhere as couple, holiday tickets booked, stuff lying at her place,... The perfect moment doesn't exist.
5 weeks before the LTR ended I went with my ex on a trip to italy. Beautiful country, beautiful women. When I was there walking side by side with my ex in a city with all those beautiful women looking at me: horrible feeling. There was an evening during the holiday she was nagging that much that I left her in the hotel & went on my own to the city during 3hours. It felt good, I felt free. When I came back she was crying because I walked away: I fvcked her 3hours on a row like a sheep. I felt disgusting afterwards. Later that evening we went eating & she started crying suddenly in the middle of the restaurant. I didn't ask why, she didn't tell me neither. We both knew.
Ironically, we had another trip planned & payed for 6 weeks after the LTR ended. I could have waited until we came back, but I didn't: we broke off & I went without her.
People talk a lot about timing, waiting for the good moment to end it, reasons why they can't end it now,... Answer yourself honestly: what is the real reason you don't put an end to it now?
My real reason was that I had not the guts to drop her & stay single. And this is something I did once with a girl, but which will not happen twice in my life.
The best way to end the relationship is to end it suddenly. It will hurt her, it always hurts. If she's not a wh0re she will ask why. The truth doesn't count anymore at this moment as the relationship is over. So you can tell her whatever you want, but best is to tell her that
*you do not have somebody else
*she did everything she had to do, there's nothing wrong with her
*there is nothing wrong with yourself
*there are fundamental reasons why it cannot work anymore. Example: the timing was wrong, under other circumstances it could have worked out. You have goals to achieve, you can not give her the time she needs,...
Why? So she has an image of you of "the forbidden love", "the prince that came in her life for a short period & then left for a long trip",...
Women love this, they will remember you for the rest of their life as a DJ.
Go watch "The New World" with Colin Farell. He does the same thing to Pocahontas. She remembers him all her life.
Props with the 20y.old btw! I'm a big fan of your posts, hope this one is helpfull to you.
Good luck.
So I'll write about something else: timing & ending it properly.
Remember this: The best moment to end the relationship is NOW
The 2 last months with my ex were tough: I walked away a lot, sometimes even for silly things, I admit. The reason why I acted like that was that I was fed up with her, her behaviour & the whole LTR. I broke off with her on several occasions during that same period, but always to re-unite a few days later because I thought that "the timing wasn't right".
There are always reasons not to end the relationship: family meeting planned, invited somewhere as couple, holiday tickets booked, stuff lying at her place,... The perfect moment doesn't exist.
5 weeks before the LTR ended I went with my ex on a trip to italy. Beautiful country, beautiful women. When I was there walking side by side with my ex in a city with all those beautiful women looking at me: horrible feeling. There was an evening during the holiday she was nagging that much that I left her in the hotel & went on my own to the city during 3hours. It felt good, I felt free. When I came back she was crying because I walked away: I fvcked her 3hours on a row like a sheep. I felt disgusting afterwards. Later that evening we went eating & she started crying suddenly in the middle of the restaurant. I didn't ask why, she didn't tell me neither. We both knew.
Ironically, we had another trip planned & payed for 6 weeks after the LTR ended. I could have waited until we came back, but I didn't: we broke off & I went without her.
People talk a lot about timing, waiting for the good moment to end it, reasons why they can't end it now,... Answer yourself honestly: what is the real reason you don't put an end to it now?
My real reason was that I had not the guts to drop her & stay single. And this is something I did once with a girl, but which will not happen twice in my life.
The best way to end the relationship is to end it suddenly. It will hurt her, it always hurts. If she's not a wh0re she will ask why. The truth doesn't count anymore at this moment as the relationship is over. So you can tell her whatever you want, but best is to tell her that
*you do not have somebody else
*she did everything she had to do, there's nothing wrong with her
*there is nothing wrong with yourself
*there are fundamental reasons why it cannot work anymore. Example: the timing was wrong, under other circumstances it could have worked out. You have goals to achieve, you can not give her the time she needs,...
Why? So she has an image of you of "the forbidden love", "the prince that came in her life for a short period & then left for a long trip",...
Women love this, they will remember you for the rest of their life as a DJ.
Go watch "The New World" with Colin Farell. He does the same thing to Pocahontas. She remembers him all her life.
Props with the 20y.old btw! I'm a big fan of your posts, hope this one is helpfull to you.
Good luck.
Rollo Tomassi
Master Don Juan
Avoid the unhappy and the unlucky.
You can die from someone else's misery— emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man (or woman in this case) but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune upon themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.
It's a honed skilled to be able to unplug yourself from the other people's misery, but it's one that a DJ has to perfect. WESTCOASTER called this 'the art of walking away' and that's a very apt analogy for it. We all know the cliché "Misery loves company", but misery also loves complacency.
You can die from someone else's misery— emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man (or woman in this case) but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune upon themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.
It's a honed skilled to be able to unplug yourself from the other people's misery, but it's one that a DJ has to perfect. WESTCOASTER called this 'the art of walking away' and that's a very apt analogy for it. We all know the cliché "Misery loves company", but misery also loves complacency.
Thanks guys.
I don't want to get into the details of some stuff because I don't want people to do things that I do and view them as acceptable. They are not acceptable and would get men in trouble. Let's just leave that at that.
On a related issue...I seriously doubt I would get seriously involved with the one that is in her upper 20s. She is already getting TOO attached to me. So, I might need to cut her loose.
Concerning my girlfriend...she noticed my changes (spining plates has a way of freeing men) and yesterday literally became very attentive. But judging by past history (yes, past is important!) I already know it is temporary. I mean, a woman that is in her 40s CANNOT be changed. I have a mental timeline. There is some travel involved and that's cool. Lot of $$$ involved in that. I read Newbie experience and wouldn't be surprised if it happens like his.
Going back to the issue...I have to accept that some women might not find me attractive. But some would find me...and those ones are the type that I can emotionally made them 100% mine. And that's the problem! I have developed a technique that made the women I have been intimate with 100% attached too me. I STILL to this date not gone in a "Date" with a woman that I have not being intimate nor kissed yet. At least not in my adulthood life.
The FWB thing will NEVER work with me. Women get too attached to me.
I have reached the conclusion that when I decide to leave her...I would have to do it for my own sanity and not for hers. But I have to do it at my own pace in disregard about she getting hurt or not. Fact is...she will get hurt NOW or LATER. So, it is up to me to when. I have to be the selfish one.
Thank guys!
I don't want to get into the details of some stuff because I don't want people to do things that I do and view them as acceptable. They are not acceptable and would get men in trouble. Let's just leave that at that.
On a related issue...I seriously doubt I would get seriously involved with the one that is in her upper 20s. She is already getting TOO attached to me. So, I might need to cut her loose.
Concerning my girlfriend...she noticed my changes (spining plates has a way of freeing men) and yesterday literally became very attentive. But judging by past history (yes, past is important!) I already know it is temporary. I mean, a woman that is in her 40s CANNOT be changed. I have a mental timeline. There is some travel involved and that's cool. Lot of $$$ involved in that. I read Newbie experience and wouldn't be surprised if it happens like his.
Going back to the issue...I have to accept that some women might not find me attractive. But some would find me...and those ones are the type that I can emotionally made them 100% mine. And that's the problem! I have developed a technique that made the women I have been intimate with 100% attached too me. I STILL to this date not gone in a "Date" with a woman that I have not being intimate nor kissed yet. At least not in my adulthood life.
The FWB thing will NEVER work with me. Women get too attached to me.
I have reached the conclusion that when I decide to leave her...I would have to do it for my own sanity and not for hers. But I have to do it at my own pace in disregard about she getting hurt or not. Fact is...she will get hurt NOW or LATER. So, it is up to me to when. I have to be the selfish one.
Thank guys!