Rough times

[Da Realist]

Usually I'm replying to other posts, but this time I think I'm the one who needs help. Basically a girl(refuse to call her a woman right now) I had a 5 year relationship broke up with me and then wanted to get back together after a while. Me basically still having feelings for her wanted to work things out. Things were cool till about a week ago. I admit I had some needy behavior now and then, but tried to take things in stride. We were even going to counseling trying to work things out since we had been talking about getting married after working things out. Every now and then she would say she didn't have the same feelings for me like she used to, but things smoothed over and she was even talking about how she wanted to have my kids. Now she's doing the whole "I don't know what I want thing" and it's not smoothing over like it had been. She's trying to say I didn't want the relationship back and didn't want to go to counseling eventhough I was the one who suggested it and have been setting up the schedule most of the time. Thing is I'm getting tired and don't feel like having my heart toyed with. I'm about ready to take her all of her crap tonight, but trying to calm down and deciding if I'm doing it out of insecurity or if it's the right call. All I know is that I love her, but I'm done with the stupidity and if I end things, its over completely. She says she wants to go to counseling to make sure of her feelings, but I don't feel like going unless it's to actually work stuff out.

 

[STR8UP]

She says she wants to go to counseling to make sure of her feelings,

1) Counseling? For a relationship? And you aren't even MARRIED??? The day I spend a second of my precious time trying to "fix" a relationship please, just put a bullet in my head.

2) She's probably screwing that guy from work she once told you that she dislikes. If it isn't that guy it's probably your best friend. You will never know the truth so don't put any more thought into it.

3) If you have to ask if it's over, IT'S OVER.

Wipe the tear out of your eye, chuck all of her sh!t out on the street, and never talk to her again. I know this seems like a bad thing to do right now, but TRUST ME, in two years you will realize it's one of the best things you've done your entire life.

 

[sodbuster]

As a man who went through MARRIAGE counseling, I can tell you this. IF she sin't willing to change, you are wasting your time. had a cousin go through it-divorced; I went through it[she was never wrong]-divorced; and a friend whose wife suggested it[but didn't bother to show up for it-he called her on her BS and told her we are done with counseling]-still married.

Do NOT waste anymore time on this woman! SHE can't figure out what she wants,but wants to have your children?WTF? So 2 or 3 years from now-she decided that NOW she knows what she wants[and it isn't you] so you get to pay alimony and child support[for kids you won't have custody of-weekend father-sucking up to her so you can spend time with your kids. BS! If she has doubts-she still thinks she can do better-cut her loose.

 

[Da Realist]

I did it. Still feel horrible eventhough I knew it was the best thing for me. It was either that or according to her, we would be friends because she didn't want me out of her life. I felt low for basically doing an ultimatum, but I need my peace. I know, "there will be others," but it doesn't make things less painful. Thanks for the advice. I said the same stuff to myself, but needed the boost.

 

[decades]

when it comes to our women we Listen, but we don't Hear.

 

[game.r]

I did it. Still feel horrible eventhough I knew it was the best thing for me. It was either that or according to her, we would be friends because she didn't want me out of her life. I felt low for basically doing an ultimatum, but I need my peace. I know, "there will be others," but it doesn't make things less painful. Thanks for the advice. I said the same stuff to myself, but needed the boost.

Congrats on manning up! I've read lots of posts where guys come asking for advice and then ignore it. So kudos to you.

btw i hope you go No contact. because this girl is gonna comeback again.

 

[Da Realist]

Congrats on manning up! I've read lots of posts where guys come asking for advice and then ignore it. So kudos to you.

btw i hope you go No contact. because this girl is gonna comeback again.

You have no idea how many times I've heard that! Sad thing is that I think it's easier to dodge the IRS than her...

 

[jophil28]

I had a g/f once who contacted me long after we broke up. She invited herself to visit with me and we fukked like teenagers for two days. SHe returned to her hometown and came back to my place six weeks later. Again she could not get her undies off quick enough.
She went home again after a few days and we started corresponding by letter and email. I then made the HUGE blunder of telling her "how I felt".
Her response was to immediately say back to me "I am not ready for a relationship - Im confused about my feelings ...LJBFs "
I was stunned- she had been red hot to trot NOW she wants to be "friends" .

I was PISSED. SO I told her that I had enough friends and goodbye.
A year later she came back wanting to "try again". I was smarter and wiser by then so I told her , "Sure we can be friends. AS a matter of fact, I am glad to have a female friend because I could use some advice about another woman that I have been seeing. How about being my 'dating adviser' ?

Never heard from her after that.

 

[STR8UP]

Good job. Things will get better.

The important thing right now is NO CONTACT. I mean ZERO. None of this "friends" bullsh!t.

If she looks you up in five years and you wanna bang her once or twice for old times sake....by all means.... but until your head is COMPLETELY clear you don't return ANY contact from her beyond what is absolutely necessary, and you NEVER INITIATE contact with her.

Got it?

 

[Da Realist]

Good job. Things will get better.

The important thing right now is NO CONTACT. I mean ZERO. None of this "friends" bullsh!t.

If she looks you up in five years and you wanna bang her once or twice for old times sake....by all means.... but until your head is COMPLETELY clear you don't return ANY contact from her beyond what is absolutely necessary, and you NEVER INITIATE contact with her.

Got it?

Deleted the number last night.

 

[Create Reality]

Don't walk, RUN towards freedom!!!!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Realist,
I really feel for you,five years is a long while,some murderers do less porridge than that.....Look it is worth saving,with good will on BOTH sides all things are possible....For what it is worth I have submitted myself to the Indignity of counselling in three relationships....I must say I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of advice we have received....The result: first one was a dead loss,second kept a marriage percolating for eight more years,worth it for the kids sake,the third seems to be going well,it keeps them happy....The confidential counsel of a mature Female is always worth while,the silly cows really do think differently to us,don't go to your mates for advice,they will react as our brothers on this site react,whenever I have a problem I go to an old Girlfriend(Biologically)we knock over a bottle of Merlot,shag until midnight,then talk across the pillow till dawn...If the Sex is still good hang in there Realist,a compatible partner takes a while to find,if the problem lies in the Bedroom then forget about it,toss it over your shoulder and move on...Five years is worth a bit of an effort,if there are no third parties involved might be worth jumping through a few hoops.

 

[Zunder]

Usually I'm replying to other posts, but this time I think I'm the one who needs help. Basically a girl(refuse to call her a woman right now) I had a 5 year relationship broke up with me and then wanted to get back together after a while. Me basically still having feelings for her wanted to work things out. Things were cool till about a week ago. I admit I had some needy behavior now and then, but tried to take things in stride. We were even going to counseling trying to work things out since we had been talking about getting married after working things out. Every now and then she would say she didn't have the same feelings for me like she used to, but things smoothed over and she was even talking about how she wanted to have my kids. Now she's doing the whole "I don't know what I want thing" and it's not smoothing over like it had been. She's trying to say I didn't want the relationship back and didn't want to go to counseling eventhough I was the one who suggested it and have been setting up the schedule most of the time. Thing is I'm getting tired and don't feel like having my heart toyed with. I'm about ready to take her all of her crap tonight, but trying to calm down and deciding if I'm doing it out of insecurity or if it's the right call. All I know is that I love her, but I'm done with the stupidity and if I end things, its over completely. She says she wants to go to counseling to make sure of her feelings, but I don't feel like going unless it's to actually work stuff out.

Pure AFC. Sorry - don't know any other way to say it.

But - if it helps, most, if not all of us have been there.

The less you have of something that you once had all the time, the more you want it. Not rocket science.
It wears off and time really does heal. Leave this woman. You will have AFC tendencies for a while, but they will pass. Then get back on the horse and, as Tomasi would say - go "spin some plates".
Remember - a good woman, if you can find one, is a nice addition to your life - but she will not make you "whole", or be your "soul mate" or any of that crap.