Roommate turned into girlfriend. She's still being a challenge.

[1984]

A while back I was posting in the general discussion forum about a situation I was having with my roommate. Long story short, it seems as though my LJBFing roommate is now my GF. I'm not sure what I did exactly, but it all turned out this way. Things have gone so far that she wants to plan a "couples vacation" with some of our friends in the fall, and she was talking to me last night about getting a house together (as in, us having one bedroom) when the lease is up. Honestly, I want this. It's time to settle down. The only problem I'm having is the general lack of sex.

For a while we were ****ing constantly, and unpredictibly. Sometimes we'd be sitting in the living room watching a movie, and the next minute she'd be on my ****. Now we're averaging about once a week, and it's been over a week since the last time. We sleep together everynight, but all she wants to do is cuddle and kiss. If I start fondling her tits or her ass, she'll allow it for so long, then out of nowhere tell me to stop. Yesterday morning we started making out when we woke up, and she grabbed my ****, but then it just stopped. She walked away and went on the computer. Then last night, she started kissing me on the couch, and I escalated, but she stopped and told me she was going to bed, and that was that. I don't get it.

This is a girl who LOVES sex. For as long as I've known her (over 8 years) she's been all about it. Totally uninhibited. That's what compelled me towards her. Now she's putting on the saint act. She tells people that she thinks everyone should have sex constantly, and how much she likes ****, but she'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV than ****. She used to go around showing her tits off to anybody who'd look, today she told me to turn around when she was getting dressed for work because she's "modest". It's turning me off.

I'm sure she's not ****ing anybody else. She never goes anywhere without me. If I go out without her, she's always at home waiting for me when I get back. According to the other roommate, she was living a life of celibacy for the 4 months they lived here before I moved in. I just don't get what's wrong. Why is she being this way?

She was on her period last week, and every night she'd tell me she wasn't putting out, and asked me to guess why. She should be over it by now, but I'm still not getting any, and before she used to be her most sexual right after her period.

 

[decades]

this is a way to control you and keep you on a leash. she is calling the shots and rationing the sex making you grovel. Wow this is going to be weird because you live with this chick and sleep in the same bed. not going to be easy to get out of this one. Rollo advises against exactly this and your situation is a perfect example of why. you have no options now and she knows it. Just wait till she starts dating others while you are still living there. I would move out and consider just using her as a plate. But if she doesn't put out then get rid of her. She does not sound like GF material to me anyway. She sounds like an AW to me and they make the world's worst GFs and wives. btw, notice your passive language like all this just "happened" to you. You haven't chosen this situation. IT chose you. It's time for you to start being proactive and ditch the passive role.

 

[DJCT]

Wow...

Long story short, it seems as though my LJBFing roommate is now my GF. I'm not sure what I did exactly, but it all turned out this way.

She has taken the lead and you are following. How do you not know what happened? I think you are leaving out part of the story. At any rate, the situation appears to be entirely outside of your control. Or in PUA terms, she is controlling the frame and not you.

Things have gone so far that she wants to plan a "couples vacation" with some of our friends in the fall, and she was talking to me last night about getting a house together (as in, us having one bedroom) when the lease is up. Honestly, I want this. It's time to settle down.

She is taking the lead again and you are following. But tell me, why do you want to move in together? Why do you want to settle down? Ask yourself what you stand to gain by settling down vs. what you have to lose. How old are you?

For a while we were ****ing constantly, and unpredictibly. Sometimes we'd be sitting in the living room watching a movie, and the next minute she'd be on my ****. Now we're averaging about once a week, and it's been over a week since the last time. We sleep together everynight, but all she wants to do is cuddle and kiss. If I start fondling her tits or her ass, she'll allow it for so long, then out of nowhere tell me to stop. Yesterday morning we started making out when we woke up, and she grabbed my ****, but then it just stopped. She walked away and went on the computer. Then last night, she started kissing me on the couch, and I escalated, but she stopped and told me she was going to bed, and that was that. I don't get it.

Initially she was probably attracted to you but now that you've been acting like a wuss by putting her in the lead she has lost respect and attraction. Sounds like she enjoys bolstering her self esteem by playing on your desire for sex and, I'm guessing, controlling your behavior.

This is a girl who LOVES sex. For as long as I've known her (over 8 years) she's been all about it. Totally uninhibited. That's what compelled me towards her. Now she's putting on the saint act. She tells people that she thinks everyone should have sex constantly, and how much she likes ****, but she'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV than ****. She used to go around showing her tits off to anybody who'd look, today she told me to turn around when she was getting dressed for work because she's "modest". It's turning me off.

Why are you putting up with a girl that is suddenly turning off the faucet on you? And more importantly, why are you trying to settle down with a girl that will show her tits to anybody who will look? Is she that much of an attention wh0re? Is this the type of girl you want to "settle down" with?

She was on her period last week, and every night she'd tell me she wasn't putting out, and asked me to guess why. She should be over it by now, but I'm still not getting any, and before she used to be her most sexual right after her period.

Just because the rollercoaster is out of order doesn't mean the log ride doesn't work my friend. If the girl digs you she will tide you over during her period with blowj0bs, handj0bs, anal, whatever.

--

My guess is that the situation is already too far gone to bounce back from. But a few comments anyway...

You need to spend more time away from her, doing things you like, hanging out with friends. You two should probably get your own apartments. If she doesn't like this: drop her.

You need to have your boundaries and standards in life and stick to them. If she doesn't respect them: get rid of her.

You need to LEAD confidently and give her the chance to step into line and follow. That is her place as a woman. If she won't: kick her azz to the curb or she will make you MISERABLE.

 

[NewMan]

Your not getting laid - time to break it off.

Reward good behaviour.

Time to go back to your own rooms and break this off. And don't be a pvssy about it.


If you except this now, it will not get better but worse. Sounds like she's got you hook line and sinker. You should never put up with this kind of behaviour.


Sounds like you want to get laid and have fun - she wants something different. You've probably been suplicating to much and now she lacks basic respect for you. Once this goes - it's very difficult to get it back.

 

[Jeffst1980]

You need to change how you're behaving RIGHT NOW. You are in SERIOUS trouble. DON'T sign a lease for a place with her. Get your own place. It's NOT time for you to "settle down"--not until you fix this situation.

You can't expect to spend every waking minute with a girl and have her still be attracted to you. Even if you were Brad Pitt, or any of those guys people on this forum bring up.

Hooking up with a roommate is a TERRIBLE idea. Moving in with a girlfriend before marriage is a TERRIBLE idea. You are not a challenge to her AT ALL.

>I'm sure she's not ****ing anybody else. She never goes anywhere without >?me. If I go out without her, she's always at home waiting for me when I >get back. According to the other roommate, she was living a life of >celibacy for the 4 months they lived here before I moved in. I just don't >get what's wrong. Why is she being this way?

She's acting this way because she lost her attraction to you and doesn't know how to get it back. She WANTS desperately to still be attracted to you, but she CAN'T because you're a pushover that sits around BEGGING her for her to dispense sex to you.

You are in SERIOUS trouble if she's making up excuses to avoid intimacy. Girls just don't do that unless they want to leave you. Her talking about getting a one bedroom apartment with you doesn't imply a commitment. I'd say at this point it's too late, but if you listen to the posters on this board, you might have a minute chance of turning this around.

1) Don't push for anymore sex. Let her chase you if she wants sex.
2) Go out with your friends more, WITHOUT her. Don't cheat, but come home late, even if she throws a fit, and just remain calm and assure her nothing's wrong. The subtext: Since she's not putting out, you're getting tired of her and want to test the waters and see what's out there.
3) Act evasive about the apartment. Make up some lame excuse how you're not sure about it anymore b/c of your job, family, etc.
4) Get her to start probing about why you're acting different and just act aloof. She needs to feel GENUINELY threatened that she might lose you to get that "spark" back.
5) If she gets mad at you for ANYTHING, don't grovel. Stand your ground at all costs. She might say she doesn't want to have sex anymore because you're not doing nice things for her. DON'T apologize and immediately buy her roses. Wait till she does something NICE for you, then reward her.

Basically, show her that you're in charge, and you don't need sex from her. Covertly communicate that if you don't get sex from her, you'll get it elsewhere.

Without SEX, there IS no relationship--you're just roommates!!

Keep us posted, we can help.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

She controls the frame now. She ƒucked you just enough to get you comfortable and now, she too has gotten comfortable enough to ration out the sex for you. You're optionless and she knows this, so you get "couple's weekends" now and she can make decisions for you. She understands that your living situation dictates your degree of commitment and she is your ONLY source of sexuality.

You know what's funny? How common your predicament is. And how you will predictably do nothing to alter it no matter how logical, rational and in perspective I or anyone else giving you advice here is. You know exactly what's happened. You know what you should do. She's essentially blackmailing you with her sexuality. "Play house with me or else no pussie" and once you think you've met her expectations and she rewards you with a token piece of ass, the next expectation is set in front of you.

But you wont do anything about it. Oh, you'll try to figure it out. You'll hit all of us up here about what you can do to get her to come around or how you can reestablish frame, or how to do a takeaway and get her back to her previous level of sexual frequency or intensity, but you'll fail to see the big picture.

The basic fact is her previous level of sexual consistency was with other guys - hell, you've known her for 8 years right? You thought it was finally your turn to get after it with her. Don't you think she's aware of this after 8 years? So let me guess, she's 28 maybe 30 now? Had her fun. Now it's time to cash in before the party's over. You're a convenience my friend, what are you going to do about it?

 

[The Bat]

Take note, regular posters and lurkers.

This is a perfect example of AFC masked as the roommate-turned-boyfriend.

Notice how the OP stated that she used to love sex so much that she'd go around flashing everybody and talking about it constantly. It's implied and assumed that she was an energizer sex bunny "in the past".

What happened? Surely, she didn't just woke up one morning and thought, "I'm going to stop having so much sex. I'm going to stop doing something that I love".

What happened is that she met our friend, the OP, here. I'm sure he's leaving some information out about his financial status and who is paying the rent, the electric, the groceries, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP here is footing most, if not all, of the bills in this roommate situation.

Also note how she teases him by touching his penis every now and then, and making out and messing around with him. But as soon as things get hot and bothered, she stops.

Who in the right mind would just STOP from having sex if things started heating up? Granted there are exceptions such as religious-virgin believers and lack of protection. A girl who is so crazy about sex that that was the first thing that OP was drawn to, would she be one of these people who would just STOP from having sex when things got heated? I think we all know the answer.

So why has she stopped? The fact is that she knows that the OP will always be around and ready for sex. She essentially controls whether or not he will climax. What a total and complete control she has gotten!

Holy control freak, Batman!

The fool, OP, thinks that he can do something to make her go back to her previous sex-crazy state. The fool thinks that "something outside my control that has absolutely nothing to do with my insecure and AFC nature" has turned this girl into a saint. The fool thinks that he can negotiate the sexual chemistry that was there before and get back to screwing like rabbits.

I'm pretty sure this guy isn't going to listen to any of us since he has posted countless threads about this girl.

But it's worth it to take notice of such clear-cut AFC example.

 

[afrojiggles]

man....why the hell are you still suplicating to her whims ? be your self and go out with boys or find activities that will ensure you get home late. that will re-kindle her lame ass into some action plus a talk of how, you went sarging babes with good photo's in ur phone to back it up,lol

 

[Nelford]

Guide her to the exit sign and move on.

 

[thedeparted]

Re-read Rollo. She had her fun, now she wants to turn you into the sperm bank/atm machine/good husband she reads about in girl magazines. She is USING you. But she won't keep it up. If you got married, she'd divorce you, claim she was abused by your nerdiness, and take your house. Don't be a fooll. Call her on this BS. And get a girlfriend who is really attracted to you.

 

[dopexile]

She's got your balls in a vice... literally. She's not into you. She's just using you in the mean time until something better comes along. You'd break it off first if you were smart.

 

[1984]

Order has been restored.

 

[OrangeCrusader]

Order has been restored.

So...you guys did it, finally?

She's playing her biggest and usually best control card to keep some power and not feel like she's being ordered around in the relationship.

Bit tricky, but it can be worked through/around easily enough, if you haven't already.

 

[1984]

Everything's fine. We've been ****ing away like there's no tomorrow, and she's telling everyone within earshot that I'm her boyfriend. Last night she told me she wanted to go on the pill, since we both hate condoms, and that last night was the first time she's had an orgasm through sex in 4 years. She's been making me food, asking me to go with her everywhere she goes, asking if she can come along everywhere I go, and she's been staying home with me instead of ever hitting clubs with her friends. Does this seem like the behaviour of someone who's only looking for "good enough for now"?

I think the only thing wrong before was that I was coming across like I expected something out of her all time. It was the neediness vibe that turned her off.

And no, I haven't been paying extra rent/buying her gifts/ect.

 

[uhm]

Everything's fine. We've been ****ing away like there's no tomorrow, and she's telling everyone within earshot that I'm her boyfriend. Last night she told me she wanted to go on the pill, since we both hate condoms, and that last night was the first time she's had an orgasm through sex in 4 years. She's been making me food, asking me to go with her everywhere she goes, asking if she can come along everywhere I go, and she's been staying home with me instead of ever hitting clubs with her friends. Does this seem like the behaviour of someone who's only looking for "good enough for now"?

I think the only thing wrong before was that I was coming across like I expected something out of her all time. It was the neediness vibe that turned her off.

And no, I haven't been paying extra rent/buying her gifts/ect.

Be careful. I can see one thing wrong with this.
She had you on the hook with sex and controlling you with it.
From experience, don't get to comfy with her liking to do everything with you every second and everything. It will get annoying.

My advice: Don't let her do EVERYTHING with you. To reiterate what Jeffst1980 said: "You can't expect to spend every waking minute with a girl and have her still be attracted to you. Even if you were Brad Pitt, or any of those guys people on this forum bring up."

Make her miss you some. If you do that, I think you'll be golden. Sounds like things are going well. Keep it up! And hey! - KEEP HAVING FUN.

 

[1984]

I still go out all the time, and she's been asking me where I go, and sending me text messages telling me she misses me. So, I guess I'm all set on that front too.

 

[MacAvoy]

I predict a major train wreck in a few months if not weeks. Can anyone else see it coming? It is SOOOO obvious, this women is in total control of the relationship, has 1984 wrapped around his finger (I've read all 15 threads so I know the history).

Right now he is riding the high of her attention but it will end sooner than later because you can't have a healthy relationship by living with them one DAY 1 OF YOUR DATING RELATIONSHIP.

His only chance of success is moving out, getting his own life like I've repeatedly said. She would also give him mad respect if he did this but he has to take control and do it as a man.

 

[Credos]

I predict a major train wreck in a few months if not weeks. Can anyone else see it coming? It is SOOOO obvious, this women is in total control of the relationship, has 1984 wrapped around his finger (I've read all 15 threads so I know the history).

Right now he is riding the high of her attention but it will end sooner than later because you can't have a healthy relationship by living with them one DAY 1 OF YOUR DATING RELATIONSHIP.

His only chance of success is moving out, getting his own life like I've repeatedly said. She would also give him mad respect if he did this but he has to take control and do it as a man.

Aye Aye Captian, Ice mountain ahead, and no turning around. I see it cause I've been there, very same situation... This is gonna end up with a heartbroken "1984"...

1984... The situation isen't solved, she's using you, she knows it's troubling you atm, now she gives you a little more to make sure you stay, and in a few weeks it's gonna be the very same bullsh*t over again :crazy:

Ow well, like they say in belgium, what's the use of candle and glasses, when you don't want to see? We all see that she's using him, we all know it, but for him, he doesn't want to see it. In the situation where you love somebody, you keep yourself blind, until you get used so much that you have to make an end to it yourself and get heartbroken by it... Or shell find better and just dump him...

Anybody wanna place bets on how long it will take? I say... about 3 weeks...

 

[AKA FLEX]

Get out while you can. The others are right. The withholding of sex is nothing more than a control mechanism. She has you exactly where she wants you. RUN!

 

[1984]

Doom and gloom! Doom and gloom!

I'll report back in a month and let you know if the paranoia you're all trying to instill in me is grounded in reality.