Rocky times with my girl. Need advice.

[Igetit!]

I've been in your exact shoes man. It's what SHE lost. You will look back on this time in 6-12 months, and realize how much you've grown. This forum really helped me. Take some time, make new friends and have fun. Then start working on yourself and get back in the game.

Hey man,I agree with Brian123. Take alittle time to yourself to heal and get your mind cleared out a little. He and Interceptor hit it right on the head. Hopefully,this girl you were dating is sensitive and mature enough to back off for a while from you to help you get over this as soon as possible. Once you've had some time to heal and reflect,come back here and we can give you a little info on what actually went down with this girl. I know you're probably raking your brain trying to figure out what happened and what went wrong,and believe it or not,this situation is pretty common. With all the knowledge and wisdom of the combined members here,we should be able to help you better avoid this in the future.

But right now,just take the time to get your head on straight.

Peace man.

 

[deniall]

Thanks guys. You are all helping a lot.

I started a new thread which basically covers my entire romantic life up until this point. It's very long but I think it's worth reading. It's honest and has quite a bit in it about this relationship and past ones.

Please have a look if you have time and comment if you feel you have something to add.

Peace.

 

[DonGorgon]

The thing is though she was the one who told me she loved me first. I think she falls in love way too easily. Within a week she said she loved me. You guys don't understand how out of the blue this was. We have had only a couple of fights in the 6 months we were together and we worked all of them out immediately. The day she left to go away she was at my place in the morning. I left for work before her and when I got home she had left a note on my bed saying "i love you so much, dont worry i will be back before you know it xoxoxoxox". Then as soon as she gets back she springs this **** on me. Shocked is not the right word to describe how I felt.

Any tips on working on an after action plan?

Womens words are like trash ... disposable... their actions are like gold... and you should value both as such... Dealing with a woman in a relationship is like living in one big trap full of triggers which change position every minute... Never get comfortable and never depend on her to be consistent.... YOu must keep her guessing and wondering... remember for next time that - she only loves you as much as she shows you and only for as long as you keep her guessing...

 

[DonJuan11]

Anyway, the last few times we have been out I have done some silly things and it's either ended in a bit of a fight or we have left early because I wasn't enjoying myself.

It's not important you are not enjoying herself. She has to enjoy herself when she's with you. You have to bring her up, make her happy, make it a fun time If she wanted someone who complained all the time, she go hang out with her younger sister. You can't complain, *****, and moan to her, and then expect her to sleep with you.

I understand she was upset that I cut her night short and that's fine. I could certainly improve in that area and plan to do so. She went away for the weekend to basically party with friends. When she got back I rang her to see how it was. I asked if she had missed me and basically she said no because she was having too much fun.

Dude, NEVER ask a girl that. "Do you miss me?" = Your opinion of me depends on my happiness because I have low self esteem. You are acting like the girl in this relationship thus far.

The conversation quickly turned sour when she told me she wasn't happy and hadn't been for the last month. I asked what she wasn't happy about and she told me it was the fact she thinks we don't go out and have fun enough and that we don't interact well together.

You are trying to use logic on her, and logic NEVER works with a girl. "Why aren't you having fun?" = You are trying to convince her that you are fun.


I told her i'm willing to work on any issue she has but she said she doesn't want me to change because then I would be fake and it wouldn't be fair on me. She also said that she doesn't feel that we should have to work so hard on a relationship and if we were meant to be together things would just click. Basically she said she doesn't love me like she used to although she still cares about me. She also said the spark is gone.

The conversation went on like this for a while and she ended it by saying that I was safe for now but she wasn't sure if we would last much longer.

I was strong during the conversation but now that it's over i'm just numb. This is a total shock to me and I don't know what to think. I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice on what to do. I really love this girl and don't want to lose her. At the same time I don't want to have to change myself or her (she wouldn't change for me anyway) to make it work.

I didn't read the rest but never get emotionally involved with any girl unless you are going to marry her.

 

[deniall]

Really struggling with the breakup lately boys.

I have read several things on how to get an ex back and am hoping I can be disciplined enough to stick to the steps required. Having said that I still don't think I will get her back.

Any ideas on how to deal with all this? I feel sick 24/7 and can't stop thinking about what I have lost.

 

[tbstimber12]

Denial,

I just read your whole entire thread, and I completely feel you man. My ex and I broke it off after 8 months just a few days ago. I agree with you and it's gonna suck for awhile, but just understand that there are no quick fixes in this situation.

My ex told me almost the same deal. She had doubts, and they never quite went away. There wasn't that spark there was at the beginning of the relationship. In some ways, you should look at yourself and take the blame if YOU were the one responsible. However, you should also look at her because there are other girls out there that are ready and willing to settle down with a good guy...you're ex and my ex just might not be ready. So screw them for stringing us along. And I do believe your ex was by saying, "you're safe for now".

She'll come running back, but do you really want that? I can remember numerous threads on why it would be horrible to get back with your ex. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to get back with my ex, but only if the problems we had could be erased completely, but that would take time and effort....who needs that?

Best thing to do is hang out with your friends. Try to feel normal again, and realize that it will take time. And you'll be out there again with ho begging to be on your nuts. Do s&#$ you like to do. Do things that you didn't have the chance to do when you were spending all your time with her. You'll have times where you'll want her back, and have a ****ty feeling in your stomach. But that will only lead you down this road again.

Best of luck to you my friend....let it go, let it go, let it go

 

[Igetit!]

Really struggling with the breakup lately boys.

I have read several things on how to get an ex back and am hoping I can be disciplined enough to stick to the steps required. Having said that I still don't think I will get her back.

Any ideas on how to deal with all this? I feel sick 24/7 and can't stop thinking about what I have lost.

What's up man.

Hey man,I understand where you're coming from in struggling with the breakup. But you need to stay strong man. I can see that you're starting to waiver a little. This "reading things on how to get your ex back",is a bad move man. You are only going to prolong your pain and suffering. I know that this is what you don't want to hear,but it's the truth.

Unfortunately,this situation with you is an all too common one. I know that you want to get back with your ex,however,the problem is that you don't know what went wrong in the relationship. Let's say that you and your gf get back together because you miss each other. Well,if the two of you start dating again simply because you miss each other,but do not find and solve the problem that originally cause the split in the first place,you're only going to set yourself up for an other breakup again. And I guarantee that this one will be much more painful.

I've seen this exact situation a thousand times before. I myself,have personally been in this predicament as well. I can tell you exactly the kinds of things you ex gf did in the relationship leading up to the breakup.

1: Whenever you made dates or tried to spend time with her,she would break the dates,and give you excuse after excuse about why she couldn't hang out with you.

2: She lost interest in sex and being intimate with you.

3: She just acted weird and illogical. And I don't mean that standard illogical behavior from women,I mean about the most simple kinds of things.

4: And of course,you ended up in fights with her,and you had absolutely no idea why the fight started,or what (if anything) you did to provoke it.

Like I said,this is common man. But the thing you need to understand is that all of these things are symptoms. THEY ARE SYMPTOMS OF THE PROBLEM,AND NOT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM ITSELF. You were being good to her,treating her with respect,she herself said a bunch of good things about you,and yet,she no longer want to be with you. Another thing that you didn't realize was that your girlfriend didn't just wake up one morning and say to herself,"I'm going to breakup with him today". From the moment that she started to feel unhappy in the relationship,she started trying to get your attention,but you didn't notice. All the fighting,all the crazy behavior,all the not wanting to be intimate with you,all the nagging and complaining,all of it was her way of trying to get what she needed from you in order to be happy in the relationship. When all of that didn't work,then,that's when she decided to end the relationship.

I know what happened. I know why she left the relationship. I know why she was unhappy. And guess what? It wasn't something you did that caused her to leave,it was something you DIDN'T do. It was something that you naturally did at the beginning of the relationship,but as time passed on,and you got used to being around her,you stopped doing it,and you weren't even aware of it.

I could really break this down and explain it to you,but it's not important right now. You need to chill out for a while,get your head on straight. You're still too raw from the breakup. Listen to what Interceptor said about the after action plan. Get some distance from this situation.

I know it's tough,but once you're on the other side of this,you'll see this a lot clearer.

Peace man.

 

[deniall]

I caved today.

I went out last night and had fun but still couldn't stop thinking about my ex. I went over to her house today to drop off some stuff I had belonging to her and we didn't chat. But when I got home after seeing her I was feeling really down. I messaged her and asked if we could work it out etc she said nothing had changed and she feels better within herself after breaking up with me. I'm devastated guys. I even tried ringing an emergency counselling service because I feel like im gonna throw up and I have no one to talk to.

 

[CFERD]

That sucks D. The reason everyone is tellng you to let go, go n/c, keep busy etc. is to protect yourself from even more pain. Your allowing this girl control over your emotional wellbeing. It's tough to get an ex out of your mind, especially when it's still pretty fresh, you have to literally tell yourself to STOP. Sure it can take awhile to get over a breakup, but it can also continue to get much worse for you if you don't put the brakes on it. We've all been through it, and we've all gotten through it, you will too. Start thinking about the things you didn't like about your ex, often we only think about what we liked. There will be other women in your life, so stop pining for this one. Kepp posting so you can get it out. I'm only a few weeks
out myself, so I can relate, it's tough...hang in there

 

[Interceptor]

Deniall,

Look , dude... you have got ot get a grip.

I dont know what you are GAINING by going through this self inflicting pain.


It is over.

And that is GOOD.


You know why?


Because you are NO LONGER IN A "RELATONSHIP" with A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You are a free man!

You should be rejoicing your FREEDOM!
Your emancipation from an unfulfiiling, and un LOVING relationship.



Men are born to be free.
Enjoy and respect your masculine freedom.

Respect it and appreciate this GIFT you have been given.


YOu can clearly see that SHE does not see things as you do.

Which mean ALL YOUR BELIEFS ARE YOUR OWN ONLY...
...no one else but you believs this self created 'reaity'.

What if I told you your skin was green andyour hair was blue?

Would you believe me?
No, of course not.

I have tried to create a FALSE world inside my own head. A world that other people think is stupid.


You are clinging to self validation. To ego narcissism.
ANY DESIRE TO BE BACK WITH HER IS ABOUT YOU GETTING VALIDATION............not LOVE!!!!!!


THIS is what you are mourning. NOT a 'great' relationship!!!!!
Let og of the ego validation. Whne you let go of that you realzie there was not enough for you toput yourself through this suffering.
Dont be a martyr. Dont do it for her either. She wont appreciate it.
How will you be your best strong, confident, masculine self, the guy who has it all together to attract the next woman if you're broken up like this?
It's not wrong to mourn, or feel these things.
But you're not putting this into proper perspective.
It's nice to be with a woman. Nice companionship, love and affection.
But where is she now?
She's gone. In fact, I'll go so far to say as IT WAS NEVER THERE.
You went into this relationship looking for validation and female attention. A place of weakness.
DO YOU FEEL YOUR WEAKNESS NOW, Deniall?

Do you see HOW it feels AFTER the SOURCE of your VALIDATION is GONE??

Do you feel now what the INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCES of PURSUING a RELATIONSHIP from YOUR frame of mind???!
When you operate from NEEDING femenine validation, you are always in a place of weakness and TAKING.
You dont have anything to GIVE her.
When you NEED a woman to 'make' you a man, you have no masculinity for her to enjoy.
DO you understand?
She needs a MAN. She cant GIVE you Masculine energy. SHE needs that from YOU!
Do you see what Im saying? Does it start to make sense now??


Think about it.

What you are crying for is the LOVE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVING YOUR DAMN SELF IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[aix237]

Dude everyonr on here is going to say go no contact and do not initiate. That is exactly what u should do. Everytime ia break up happens with me I say fine go fvck urself. Not in those excat words byt they get the picture. U can either tell them or just don't say anything. But do not initiate sh1t. Trust me they will cave. Just stop acting needy with her cause everytime u contact her ur value goes down in her eyes. Its hard but hold back. She will contact u. Just stop asking to work it out etc.. The person who cares less has the most power

 

[LovelyLady]

Hello Denial,


The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was a poem (I think it is by James Kavanaugh?)

the need you grew remains
but less and less you seem the way to fill that need
I am

Relationships teach us many things: one of the things they can do is help us identify what our wants and needs are.

How blessed you are to have been in a relationship for 6 months with a woman who is "beautiful, outgoing and lives a healthy lifestyle". To find someone who has these qualities that you desire is wonderful and definitely can be the beginning of your list of wants for who you date in the future as these are qualities you value.

There is a quality she has that I admire: she is being honest with you.

So painful to hear what she said, but so very important to truly listen and hear when people tell us the truth of who they are:
"she said she doesn't want me to change because then I would be fake and it wouldn't be fair on me."

She is RIGHT!

She recognizes that the woman who is best suited to you will not only be "beautiful, outgoing and live a healthy lifestyle", but will also embrace you as you are. She recognizes that that important relational quality is something she cannot give you - even though you may not yet see it or have it on your list of requirements for the woman you want in your life. (Is genuine acceptance a want or a need of yours?)

"She also said that she doesn't feel that we should have to work so hard on a relationship and if we were meant to be together things would just click. Relationships do take work - but the kind of work you are doing needs to be considered.

I believe that when both you are working towards the common purpose of supporting eachother to be your best, authentic selves and also BOTH agree to the commitment of creating the best relationship you can have together, then the work becomes a gift of love - not of sacrifice. Even compromise becomes a gift of love rather than a yielding or loss of "power".

Often people can think that the more sacrifices, changes, compromises they make for a person - that that somehow demonstrates the quality and depth of their love - but to feel that your relationship is just one more task on a list that needs to be crossed off reveals a lack of heart. As a man, you want to identify the problem, identify the solution, bring the solution to her and move on from there - this is a great quality of leadership.

However, it is important to be able to identify the correct "problem" so the proper solution can be followed. Foundationally - what was the agreed upon purpose of your being together?

You say "I could see myself being with her for the rest of my life" but to serve what purpose?


"Basically she said she doesn't love me like she used to although she still cares about me." and of course she still cares about you - she has spent the last 6 months with you. You matter to her. It was all real for her too, but love did not continue to grow for her.

You have shared that you fall in love fast - so it would seem you made your mind up immediately about her. This does not mean she experienced it the same way as you did. When someone falls hard and fast, they are often falling in love with an idea that have about someone, rather than the actual person. You say you could see your whole future with her immediately - yet you did not even know who she was. Attraction is not compatability - and compatability is not sameness.

Much of what you are grieving is the loss of the idea of who you were together - and who you were going to be in your fantasy future together. This dream is okay to have, but it is not to be lived in in the "now" of the relationship. Mature love may look towards the future and have hopes - but it recognizes those hopes and dreams for what they are - not yet reality.

Often people fall head over heels for someone while the other person is waiting and watching and giving his/her heart in measured paces to honor the process of the relationship.

If you make the fulfillment of that initial fantasy the purpose of the relationship, it will wither and die because real genuine loving is too big for the small fantasy we humans want to box "romantic love" in to.

"She also said the spark is gone." Think about fire. Think about the nature of fire and the nature of the relationship you want. And honestly ask yourself if this woman could really build that with you?

There are people that are attracted to the spark - the initial fireworks and flair up of passion and they live comfortably only in that energy. There are people that live tending a fire to keep it low to the ground and at constant temperature. There are people that cannot tolerate flareups and sparks and dancing by the dynimic whirlwind of flames that sometimes unpredictably occur... there are people that neglect the fire entirely and sit at dead ashes their whole lives in the cold reminiscing about that last fire but do nothing to learn from why it didn't last - much less move on to replenish their fuel supply and try again.

And then there are fires that are well tended and serve many purposes - and they fuel and tend it as needed to serve the purpose of the relationship.

The warmth of a friendly fireside chat/companionship, hot passion that burns the senses, flames that purify the spirit, fire to cook and nourish the body with, a warm and gentle place to rest.

This woman is telling you her truth: she feels no fire, no heat, no spark - and is not asking for time to gather more fuel to rebuild with you.

She is saying she has moved on and wants you to do the same.

By saying she wants to still be friends, she is most likely really trying to say she does not want to dishonor the memory of what you once shared - the "spark" mattered.

But for reasons that you will come to know as you reflect over time, her need for that initial spark to grow into a maintainable fire to build a life around with you did not occur for her. And most likely did not actually occur for you - as the future dream is what you have sited as being the greatest part of your loss of her - and not your loss of her selfin any daily interaction that you had.

**
Additionally, it is smart to call whatever places/people you need to call to sort through your many feelings. Be very kind to yourself right now, as losing love - and even the hope and dream of a love for the future - can be very difficult to process if you are not familiar with how to deal with those feelings.

I also want to suggest that you avoid alcohol during this time as it is a depressant and will not help you (I noticed it was an underlying theme running through your story you shared in your other post).