Rock bottom

[CaptFinnBad]

So I was in a relationship for 8 years, that blew up.

After the relationship I had nothing keeping me in the area and so I moved back to my hometown where friends and family were.

So jobless living with a relatively I needed to sort my life out. I felt an itch and decided to have a look at online dating.

Wanted casual. A damaged women (didn't know at the time), hooked me. I fell for her, she's super into me e.t.c.

I tired to to resist her but we "fell in love".

She convinces me it's real. Gives me exactly what I think I need.

I become secure and invested.

She starts showing her true self. She's deeply troubled. That's okay because love
conquerors all! Haha am I right?

I kinda put my life in hold for her. Blah blah blah.

Fast forward.... I now know what , emotional witholding means, I understand what gaslighting is, I understand how a trauma bond feels, i know what it feels like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship e.t.c.

Don't know if she did it consonantly or not, I suppose it doesn't matter, she basically put me through blender.

I'm no longer with her, she's left me beat up and broken. Stepped on my self esteem, dignity and self respect on the way out.


Back to square one. Ground zero. This time I've had my ass kicked for 10 rounds.

Social circle is fuxed. Been away for so long, people have moved on (been trying to build friends and failing).

No job, finding it supidly hard to get hired (I wouldn't hire me) intelligent professional that has huge career gaps, the latest being "he hasn't worked in three years and it's blantenly obviously to all due to laziness". I have side income from property own/rent.

I had a choice work and bank the extra income. I picked live like a poorper and jerk off all day .

You could count my friends on one finger (mabye two).

Things I have going for me. I'm a member of a club/activity (Thursday afternoon and all day sat / sun, I can be busy and social with that ) .

I have a dog that loves me.

All my own teeth.

I'm not ugly haha.

I can be charming and carasmatic (not at the moment though, but it's in there).

I'm very likable. Usually, when I'm not self destructing.

Actually I'm alright at getting women. Which is a blessing and a curse.

Temptation to get my **** wet is real. I've already lined up a few. I want the sex and the destructive reason, I want to feel validated.

Arranged to meet medical professional next week. Unfortunately not for theory (can't afford it ), I'm meeting the pretty women to date and have sex with.

I've also lined up a needy single mum, Validation purposes.

There are others too. All the wrong reasons. It's nearly Christmas and I feel lonely AF. Need a dopomine boost hense throwing myself into these women.

Help a lost soul out.

 

[SW15]

I don't know if this is rock bottom.

You had an 8 year long relationship. In this era, that's an achievement.

The employment stuff is an issue. Dating while unemployed is difficult for men. It's not a problem for women. Additionally, female unemployment is less than male unemployment.

Can you create a full time business from your side income? Any entrepreneurial ventures? Some people are not suited for working traditional employment jobs.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I don't know if this is rock bottom.

You had an 8 year long relationship. In this era, that's an achievement.

The employment stuff is an issue. Dating while unemployed is difficult for men. It's not a problem for women. Additionally, female unemployment is less than male unemployment.

Can you create a full time business from your side income? Any entrepreneurial ventures? Some people are not suited for working traditional employment jobs.

I like dogs. I keep toying with the idea with walking dogs for a living.

People keep shooting me down and make me feel like it's ridiculous. Previously I was in a very professional position , definitely can't get back into that industry (100% sure).

The women part is the easy bit. I think I've got that covered. It's new male friends and a job, seems like the uphill battle.

 

[SW15]

I like dogs. I keep toying with the idea with walking dogs for a living.

People keep shooting me down and make me feel like it's ridiculous. Previously I was in a very professional position , definitely can't get back into that industry (100% sure).

The women part is the easy bit. I think I've got that covered. It's new male friends and a job, seems like the uphill battle.

Job searching is tough. The job market has loosened a little bit in 2021.

I agree it can be difficult to get pusssy when your employment situation isn't good, especially if you give off a white collar vibe. If you are a tattooed dirtbag, unemployment is not going to be an issue because tattooed dirtbags who are marginally employed tend to be attractive to a certain subset of women.

 

[DonJuanjr]

I like dogs. I keep toying with the idea with walking dogs for a living.

Dog breeding could be another one for you.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Job searching is tough. The job market has loosened a little bit in 2021.

I agree it can be difficult to get pusssy when your employment situation isn't good, especially if you give off a white collar vibe. If you are a tattooed dirtbag, unemployment is not going to be an issue because tattooed dirtbags who are marginally employed tend to be attractive to a certain subset of women.

I'm not a tattooed dirt bag . I think what gets me by is my arrogance and the lies I tell myself.

"No Job? Really?"

"Yep, my life is chaos but I'm on my way up , I'm going places and doing this this and this. "

" Oh no problem <3 <3 <3"

Obviously they get testy after a while.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Dog breeding could be another one for you.

I don't know enough about breeding. It's not something I could eithicly go into with a conscious.

Plus my doggy social circle / club would look down on me big time. I need my dog club, like massively!

It's one of the few super stable things I have.


Dog training is something I could eventually see myself in (not at that level yet ). I'm literally training along side the most elite doggy people in my country. My skill isn't up to the level I can do it professionally.

That said I definitely getting noticed in public/in my local area . Me and my pup littally get spectators when we go to public parks to train / play.

Had a few people try hire me as a trainer already :/.

Dog walking would be my start. Walk dogs and transition into a trainer over time.

Walking would be my foot in the door and keep the pressure off . Steady income, the direction to make being a trailer a reality. e.t.c.

Don't know though. I can't be walking in the rain and picking up dog poop for the rest of my life. It's a massive gamble.

I don't know if I have the drive or self belief to make my dream a reality.

A steady pay check and a pension seems the sensible choice. That said I'm drowning trying to secure that.


I need a steady income that's for sure!!!

As soon as I can an income I can kick my tenents out, stop living with realities and get my own house back.

So that's two big steps in the right direction.

What I do have going for me is that my house is fully paid for. So no rent it morgage to think about.

It brings my cost of living down pretty significantly.

 

[Stuffnu]

OP. I’ve been there and reached my “rock bottom” back in the day.
I‘m going to save you a long winded response.
“Salvation comes from within”.. I say this without the biblical references.
You need a dose of self esteem. You do this by working towards a better job, a better body, a better social circle or “ fill in your own blanks”.
Once you regain your “Mojo”, girls will follow..

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Any words of wisdom regarding women?

Like I said the temptation is always real. I can't help myself from chasing them.

Doing it for the wrong reasons (validation, lonely, needy and of course sex (a right reason ) ) .

I try to keep it casual, but I'm vunrable. Quite easy for a broken one to get their claws in me. Like what happened in the lat 6 months.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

OP. I’ve been there and reached my “rock bottom” back in the day.
I‘m going to save you a long winded response.
“Salvation comes from within”.. I say this without the biblical references.
You need a dose of self esteem. You do this by working towards a better job, a better body, a better social circle or “ fill in your own blanks”.
Once you regain your “Mojo”, girls will follow..

Getting Women is not the problem, I can get them to follow me already.

It's the vunrability I allow myself to have in regard of women. I'm easy prey, like a lamb in a lion's cage.


Dog club (check ), body/weight lifting (check), ability to attract women (check).

So that leaves....
Self esteem (built through the list ), steady income , which leads to living independently on my own house (big self esteem killer) , which will also lead to a sense of value and worth, which will lead to a better mindset that will attract friends OR give me the self worth to attract positive influences in my life.


Perhaps walking dogs in the rain and picking up poop is my salvation.

The dream isn't that of course. It's to become a one on one trainer. By starting a dog walking business I'm working with dogs/the public.

There will be times that I will arise I can offer training . That's how I would gain experience and reputation. Walking would be a stepping stone.

Eventually I would open a dog training and daycare facility.

I don't know if this just a pipe dream...... It's been a fantasy of mine for years and years.

I've always been scared of it but been avoiding securing anything else for years (because that felt like my path).

My ex of 8 years (the good one ), truly believed that's what I was detained to do. I just haven't believed in myself to do it.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Can you create a full time business from your side income? Any entrepreneurial ventures? Some people are not suited for working traditional employment jobs.

This resonates with my so much. I held a really awesome well paid and super interesting job for 10+ years.

I litrerally worked on fighter planes for a living.

I hated being in the system feeling like a cog. It felt like a prison to me.

I've had other jobs since. I always get the same feeling. There is something I dispise about not being in control.

It makes me switch off and become a robot.

I think I need to start a business or something. I know earning money gives me a thrill.

Even things like selling items on eBay, making money from a blog, matched betting, it makes me feel alive and have purpose.

I definitely feel that pull. I need something sensible that's going to work and be steady.

 

[MissouriMark]

Why did your 8 year relationship end?

 

[hardboiled85]

So I was in a relationship for 8 years, that blew up.

After the relationship I had nothing keeping me in the area and so I moved back to my hometown where friends and family were.

So jobless living with a relatively I needed to sort my life out. I felt an itch and decided to have a look at online dating.

Wanted casual. A damaged women (didn't know at the time), hooked me. I fell for her, she's super into me e.t.c.

I tired to to resist her but we "fell in love".

She convinces me it's real. Gives me exactly what I think I need.

I become secure and invested.

She starts showing her true self. She's deeply troubled. That's okay because love
conquerors all! Haha am I right?

I kinda put my life in hold for her. Blah blah blah.

Fast forward.... I now know what , emotional witholding means, I understand what gaslighting is, I understand how a trauma bond feels, i know what it feels like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship e.t.c.

Don't know if she did it consonantly or not, I suppose it doesn't matter, she basically put me through blender.

I'm no longer with her, she's left me beat up and broken. Stepped on my self esteem, dignity and self respect on the way out.


Back to square one. Ground zero. This time I've had my ass kicked for 10 rounds.

Social circle is fuxed. Been away for so long, people have moved on (been trying to build friends and failing).

No job, finding it supidly hard to get hired (I wouldn't hire me) intelligent professional that has huge career gaps, the latest being "he hasn't worked in three years and it's blantenly obviously to all due to laziness". I have side income from property own/rent.

I had a choice work and bank the extra income. I picked live like a poorper and jerk off all day .

You could count my friends on one finger (mabye two).

Things I have going for me. I'm a member of a club/activity (Thursday afternoon and all day sat / sun, I can be busy and social with that ) .

I have a dog that loves me.

All my own teeth.

I'm not ugly haha.

I can be charming and carasmatic (not at the moment though, but it's in there).

I'm very likable. Usually, when I'm not self destructing.

Actually I'm alright at getting women. Which is a blessing and a curse.

Temptation to get my **** wet is real. I've already lined up a few. I want the sex and the destructive reason, I want to feel validated.

Arranged to meet medical professional next week. Unfortunately not for theory (can't afford it ), I'm meeting the pretty women to date and have sex with.

I've also lined up a needy single mum, Validation purposes.

There are others too. All the wrong reasons. It's nearly Christmas and I feel lonely AF. Need a dopomine boost hense throwing myself into these women.

Help a lost soul out.

Sounds like me almost verbatim - Except 3.5 year LTR Plate, covid happenend, left her, moved back to my home town, all my old friends are married etc. No job but working on passions.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Why did your 8 year relationship end?

She lost respect for me and stopped seeing my potential.

Yeah I was earning a small income from property. Apart from that all I did was hang around training our dogs, weight training and mooching around the house.

Add in lockdowns (which took away my ability to visit family and be social.) I lost all my spunk and she lost her attraction.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Damaged attracts damaged

Sort yourself out before even thinking about dating especially in a cut throat environment like OLD

 

[Black Widow Void]

I see that you are new. Welcome aboard.

I'm sure that this isn't an easy time for you and also that my words may not be of much comfort. But, my words will be helpful, I assure.

I imagine that this will not be easy for you to digest, but you allowed yourself to be put in this position. We've all been there. If you appointed this woman to be the source of your happiness and/or to fill some void, then there are two things that have gone wrong.

1. You put her in the 'drivers seat' of your car. This is like you owning a manual car and she only knows how to drive an automatic.
2. (and we've all done this - self included) You arrived walking wounded. Walking away from an eight year relationship will require some time to process and heal.

The on-line personals is full of people just like this. They didn't take time out for themselves. Instead of working through their pain, they look for an insta-fix (finding another person to help them forget their pain). That's not the new person's job.

Let's say that the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want to 'fix' the problems of a woman that was still getting over her past breakup?

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I see that you are new. Welcome aboard.

I'm sure that this isn't an easy time for you and also that my words may not be of much comfort. But, my words will be helpful, I assure.

I imagine that this will not be easy for you to digest, but you allowed yourself to be put in this position. We've all been there. If you appointed this woman to be the source of your happiness and/or to fill some void, then there are two things that have gone wrong.

1. You put her in the 'drivers seat' of your car. This is like you owning a manual car and she only knows how to drive an automatic.
2. (and we've all done this - self included) You arrived walking wounded. Walking away from an eight year relationship will require some time to process and heal.

The on-line personals is full of people just like this. They didn't take time out for themselves. Instead of working through their pain, they look for an insta-fix (finding another person to help them forget their pain). That's not the new person's job.

Let's say that the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want to 'fix' the problems of a woman that was still getting over her past breakup?

I am walking wounded and I am trying to fill a void.

So went from an 8 year relationship and it took me a month to start seeing someone else.

I'll be honest it took the feeling of emptiness away.

It's a tricky one because I truly know for me it was very real with her. Real and I could have went the distance and sorted myself while in the relationship.

BUT I'm not going to deny the fact that I went into it with a void and emptyness inside of me, which she took away.

Which makes my vunrable, dependent on outcome and gave her an unhealthy amount of control over me. Although I never directly expressed this she obviously picked up on that fact.

Now that's over. I'm right back out there tying to fill the void with other women.

 

[The Diver]

I like dogs. I keep toying with the idea with walking dogs for a living.

If you love dogs, why not take it one notch up from walking dogs and start a dog boarding business, if you have the space for it.
Or maybe, home visits dog wash & grooming? If you are in the right demographic area.
People and specialty women spend a lot of money on their loved pets, sometimes more than spending on themselves,

 

[Black Widow Void]

It's a tricky one because I truly know for me it was very real with her. Real and I could have went the distance and sorted myself while in the relationship.

It's impossible to work on yourself while also being 100% available to someone else. Also, if this is on the on line personals, there's a high chance that they are also looking to you to "fix" them. If both of you are walking wounded... do you really think it has a chance? The answer is no (unless you are both co-dependent).

BUT I'm not going to deny the fact that I went into it with a void and emptyness inside of me, which she took away.

She took nothing "away." It's best to be honest with yourself. You gave it to her. You relinquished. This might sound hard, but you are no 'victim.' Before I get written off as as some typical sosuave 'chest-thumper, I've been in your shoes and once thought as you do.

Which makes my vunrable, dependent on outcome and gave her an unhealthy amount of control over me. Although I never directly expressed this she obviously picked up on that fact.

Yes. As long as you are becoming aware of your motives and behavior, you will get through this.

Now that's over. I'm right back out there tying to fill the void with other women.

Do you really think that any self-respecting woman would want to spend time with someone that is using them to "fill a void?"

No matter what tips I provide (in effort to prevent you from making my mistakes) I suspect that you'll just have to experience this in your own. If you continue down this avenue... if you think that you are at "rock bottom" now, just wait until future women you meet compound your misery.

You need to take a break from women, work on yourself and then reemerge with a power of strength. It's not the easy route and it's not the fun route, but it's the best route. If you continue to look to women as a diversion, you'll sink further down.

 

[ubercat]

Most guys have been there at some stage including me. So the situation is serious but not hopeless. How old are you? And what was your former profession? Is the living situation with the relative stable? We need a bit more info to work with. You ve got some good and wise people on this thread. We ll support nobody is going to 'should' on you. I would say that one of the benefits of the internet is anonymity. You ll get better results if you're strictly honest with yourself and us.

And remember people can be good. You ve got a bunch of strangers here with nothing to gain giving their time to help you out.

From what I ve read so far the issue sounds like how to provide enough structure and enjoyment of life while you work through some economic and inner issues.

To provide some immediate value I d suggest a couple of things. Men do best in a routine and when they feel useful. Nobody can stop you getting fit (running and bodyweight) or helping people with your time or going to the library and learning something. E.g. https://www.coursera.org/learn/dog-...utm_source=linkshare&utm_campaign=SAyYsTvLiGQ or starting a doggy blog

Sounds like you're stateside. Why not learn Spanish. From the stats that wave is building and plenty of guys swear by Latinas at least most of them cook!

Is there an animal shelter you could volunteer at?

I know saying volunteer is counter intuitive when you re trying to earn.


What we re trying to do is build routine, a feeling of being useful, focusing on other people instead of your problems and the habit of hard work. E.g. at 5.30 I get up and walk my dog while listening to stoic philosophy or dog training podcasts. Monday is legs day. Tuesday I work at the shelter. At the shelter I m the first in and the last to leave and keen to learn more and do more every week. And later on maybe I can ask my supervisor there for a reference. And you might meet some less self absorbed girls at the animal shelter over time. If you do for god's sake don't fvck them no sh1tting where you eat.

Meditation will definitely help with anxiety and emotional control. But meditation can feel like laziness when you first start. So build it into your routine. It's hard for your bad inner voice to say your being lazy at 6.30 in the morning after you ve been for a run.


Honestly any time I ve been between jobs is the hardest I ve worked in my life. You can't let your days drift. And you want to feel that when you do give yourself a day off it's the reward for all your hard work.

I think the dog walking idea is great. You could staircase that and build up a business over time.

And please consider this is a recovery process. You're going to have good and bad days and days when nothing works. You have to remember it's just a bad day everyone has them. For those days see if the library can get you this book

Amazon.com: Resilience By Design: How to Survive and Thrive in a Complex and Turbulent World: 9781119794936: Weeks, Mike, Snape, Ian: Books

Amazon.com: Resilience By Design: How to Survive and Thrive in a Complex and Turbulent World: 9781119794936: Weeks, Mike, Snape, Ian: Books

www.amazon.com

Trust the process. Thousands of guys here have pulled themselves back from the brink. You re a smart guy if Joe schlep can do it you can too.

If you have the odd tinder episode no drama. Consenting adults with an itch to scratch. But I really wouldn't put much time into it. Now your time needs to be going into building yourself up. Becoming that happy, positive, disciplined guy who people will want to be round and give opportunities to.

And Tinder's a sugar hit. You don't want to get addicted to that. Women can be a reward or a trap. You choose.

Nobody gets anywhere without learning to delay gratification.