RHCP’s social improvement Journal

[*RHCP*]

My Situation
Here’s my situation. Socially, I’m very below average. I’m 18 and just finished school, going to uni this year. I’ve never touched a girl, only ever been to a few parties and have a fair bit of social anxiety. Right now, my social life is very very small. I went to an all guy’s school for the past 4 years, and apart from family friends and work I have talked very little with girls around my age for a long time. I used to work at a fast food place for awhile, where I was always insecure, clumsy, incredibly reactive to people. At school I didn’t have many friends who I would do stuff with outside school, but I did have at least a half decent amount of acquaintances who I would always sit with in class and stuff, most who were normal/cool people. As far as I can remember I have always been rather shy and not very sure of myself. I hope this gives you an idea of where I’m at.


I found this website and others to do with self-improvement/PUA many years ago. I read and read and read, wasted heaps of time online and did not improve very much. A couple of years ago I began to gradually improve very slowly, in some ways, but I haven’t got any noticeable social results yet.

I’ve decided to go all out on social improvement. Although I have other goals, this is my major focus. This is the area of life I want to be the best I can be more than any other, and with uni coming up its also the area that I most desperately need to improve. Every single day I will strive to improve myself socially. This is my mission.


The Ultimate Goal

I’m aiming to improve to the absolute greatest extent possible. I know that a thing with goals is that they’re supposed to be pacific, but I can’t really see a good goal to aim for that encompasses everything I want to do. I guess it would be something like -

“I want to be insanely charismatic, confident, ‘in my own reality’, and socially skilled. I want to date 10s with amazing personalities, and have an awesome social life filled with exceptional people.”

This is just something to aim at, it might not be possible or practical.

Short Term Goals

Here are the major ways in which I can see opportunities for improvement right now-

1. cold approaching/bootcamp
I signed up for the winter bc here, but I didn’t even get one ‘hi’. There were some things which distracted me from it at the time, but also the fact is that it is pretty hard for me just to force myself to say ‘hi’. But if I started slowly, I know I can do it, and then I can just keep improving from there.

2. Uni Stuff.
This is pretty self explanatory, just doing things like trying to meet people, joining clubs ect

3. Friends
I do have some ‘friends’, who I can call up and catch up with, but I got lazy with this, cause I might end up in situation where I just display my social incompetence (if they have their whole group with them ect), or I might just watch a boring movie. But if I’m going all out for this, and there’s some chance I might improve, then I ought to do this more often.
Also even just msn, I have acquaintances that talking to would take me out of my comfort zone. I’m not more confident online than in real life if I’m talking to someone I know, plus there’s the chance of having the awful ‘hi wats up’ conversation.

4. Clothes
Not that I dress like a complete retard, but there is plenty of room for improvement. I barley ever go out to buy clothes, because clothes pacifically I feel under pressure when I buy them. Most of my new clothes right now are x-mas presents ect.




Doing these things, I expect to be at first working on -
- social anxiety
- my ‘reality’ (right now just about everyone has a stronger reality than me)
- basic social skills
- is there anything else?

 

[FireOnTheMountain]

Good luck with it. Even if you don't get to your ultimate goal in your first go at it (I sure didn't), you'll still make big progress if you stick with it for a month or two.

 

[*RHCP*]

Yeah my ultimate goal is a long way off, I'm not expecting any miracles here.

Yesterday I was going to get this started, at least say ‘hi’ to one person or something. But I went outside, and it was really hot and I was in a bad mood, and then my back just randomly started hurting so I gave up and went home. Dam, tomorrow I just have to at least get one ‘hi’ down.

Today I spent most of my time at uni, learning about the subjects to choose from. I met quite a few people from my high school there, but didn’t do anything else really.

I’m most likely going some orientation camp in about 3 weeks or less. Apart from what I’ve got planned here, does anyone have any tips on how I can prepare to make the most of it, and not just end up with a bad rep and a bad experience? You can probably count the number of beers I’ve ever had on your hand, everyone will be drinking, how do I deal with that?

 

[nicelife]

dont drink if you dont want to, but i dont really see the harm in a bit of casual drinking?

when your drinking with people its like, you're on the same buzz and you can relate to them better...

I find it alot easier to socialize with random people when im drunk, most people will open up more with less inhibitions.. unless they're d!ckheads, but you dont want to socialize with them anyways

if your worried about your tolerance then just start drinking with a few mates casually until the real parties start.. find your limit and stick to it so you dont make a d!ck of yourself at a big party

 

[*RHCP*]

Yeah, I just don't want to be the one kid who's drinking moderately if everyone else is getting smashed, but I don't want to make a fool of myself either.

 

[nicelife]

people usually dont note how much your drinking, if you've always got a drink in your hand they're gonna assume your drinking the same amount as them

i'd prob just stay away from liquors, stick to beer and the likes until you can handle the stronger stuff

 

[BigWillyStyle]

Social skills are of the utmost importance; as for those lacking them experience the detrimental effects daily: loneliness, frustration, low self-esteem, depression, etc. Also, the external factors that make those people feel the foregoing effects: Ostracism, derision and humilation suffered at the hands of others'.

I commend you for going out there and earnestly trying to better your current situation; however, perhaps you're going about it the wrong way. I don't know much about this "bootcamp" stuff, but going around greeting random people seems a little odd (and therefore the lack of response from recipients'), I understand its purpose is to overcome shyness and boost people's confidence but, surely, expanding on your current group of friends seems more logical and productive than talking up random strangers in the street that will, the majority time, fail - and thus compound your frustration and anxiety.

Everyone needs attain at least some of their goals throughout life; constant failure to do so would result in the foregoing effects and in addition you'll develop a defeatist attitude. So make sure your goals remain realistic, rather than idealistic.

On a final note, I'd like to give my 2 cents on alcohol. Drinking's fine, just don't let it become a crutch - as in the long run that'll only compound your current problems and add a slew of new problems into mix.

Oh, I nearly forgot the most important thing: "You can't be everything to everyone, so just be yourself" I know it sounds like a cheesy cliché, but it's so true. Best of luck.

 

[*RHCP*]

Thanks for the advice BigWillyStyle. I have also thought in the past that cold approaching, bootcamp ect is a little bit odd, and perhaps something that would be better for someone who already has good social skills. Unfortunately, ‘expanding on my current group of friends’ has also failed on just about every attempt I’ve made in it. Not that I’ve made all that many attempts, I’ve been too insecure. But I can barley think of a single attempt that was successful. In some ways it seems like a catch 22 situation, because you will naturally interact with people well if you have good social skills, therefore improving your social skills, and if you have bad social skills then interactions with people will not go as well.


I have been very lazy with this journal. I got my first hi when I automatically greeted some guy I was waiting with outside a door, that’s all I’ve done. I don’t think that just saying I’m going to spend all my free time improving socially is a good way of going about this. I have to set myself a challenge, something to rise too, a very short term goal. Unfortunately, the only social challenges that are obvious to me is bootcamp related stuff.

 

[*RHCP*]

What would you guys recommend as being the baseline level that someone has to be at for them to be able to benefit from cold approaching? I'd be particularly interested to hear from some of the people who do a lot of cold approaching personally.


For many years I sabotaged myself through my constant obsession with overnight success, which made me give up at the slightest setback. I gradually learned to loose this attitude, but only just recently have I been focusing on slow but consistent and real improvement properly. Consistency has been one of my weaknesses. So I don't want to start approaching people but not get anywhere because I don't yet have the social skills and whatever else you need. There's also the possibility that I don't have the psychological strength to endure something like that, yet.

But if it's appropriate, I'm 100 percent up for the challenge. I went to a party the other day, and I got nervous just from a girl sitting next to me. Plus I was scared to go ask for a drink because I don't know many of the names of the drinks. I have a very long way to go, and I can't afford to hold back unnecessarily.

 

[*RHCP*]

My main focus is for now on bootcamp stuff. But I'll start a little slower, to make sure I actually get started.

My first challenge is to get 5 his by the end of the Sunday night. This should be a simple warm up, so I have no excuses.

 

[*RHCP*]

Well this hasn’t gone well, still hasn’t managed to get a single hi. What happened is that the thought of having to do this was pretty stressful. Actually doing it should not be that much of a big deal. But what happened was that I got so stressed out about the idea of this, that the only time I did go out trying to say hi to people, I was in such a bad mood that I basically gave up straight away. Apart from this journal I have a bunch of habits that I’m working on, maybe it was just the stress of all these things to do.

On the plus side, I did go and just look at some clothes at a store today… a bit uncomfortable, but no big deal really. It’s just that before I went I was pretty stressed about it. Yeah I get anxious way too easily, causing me to procrastinate, and avoid facing fears. This has happened before over similar things.

It might be that I’m even more behind than I thought when I started this journal. Or maybe I am just a bit stressed out lately and just need to get the ball rolling with some improvements. But I don’t care how long it takes me to get started or how slow I have to go, I’m going to do this.

My new goal is just to get one ‘hi’.

 

[Microphone Fiend]

keep at it. We've all been there. Keep putting yourself into situations and eventually the scales will tip in your favour. walk the long way to wherever you are going in the hopes of getting Hi's/interactions, always pick the most social route possible when you can. Good luck and keep us updated

 

[*RHCP*]

Well, finally I got the first 'hi'. Don't know if the guy really heard me though but anyway.

I started uni today, just a tour of the place with about 10 people. I didn't really talk to anyone much, I was just glad I wasn't feeling nervous, and none of the other guys were talking to each other, so I guess I didn't really feel much pressure to socialize much. I guess its starts now though, all the social groups forming and stuff.

I have heard that the camp for my faculty is basically just people getting completely smashed and hooking up, I don't know how that would go for me right now. But is this an opportunity I can't afford to miss? (there are limited tickets so most people won't get to go).

 

[*RHCP*]

Looks like this journal may be a very slow process. My goal this week is to get 7 hi's.


Also I am going to set myself a social goal, and I'm going to read it to myself everyday as it describes in the book Think and Grow Rich. Has anyone got a recommendation of a good goal to generally improve my whole social life? I could just do something easy to think of, like - I will get laid, but thats maybe a bit too 1 dimensional.

 

[SuavePlaya]

What you need to do is increase your hi's to like 50 a week. Do not go half ass on your goal you will only get half ass results. If people don't say hi back it's not your problem it's their problem. In the beginning it might be a struggle, but you will only be thankful later. A true dj/player has patients.

 

[*RHCP*]

Your right, 7 hi's won't do much. But, at least at first, it will take me a lot of time walking the street trying to force myself to say hi. Plus I don't know how much time I will have this week. So this week will be a warm up, I will aim for 20 hi's.