Reloaded Presents: Wearing the 45 (A. Superstar)

[The Antichrist_Star]

There came a point where I thought about just leaving... quitting, even giving up the “game” entirely. Someone once suggested that when it rains, it pours and I can honestly say that I have required a raincoat for the last few months. It goes deeper than ruining the one relationship that I actually loved being in... it also involved the neglect and mistreatment of my immediate family, the misuse of certain friends and my overall lax approach to my education. I am unsure if I can accurately describe what happened to me between the ages of seventeen and nineteen, largely in part because I do not know myself. What I do know however, is that something went terribly, terribly wrong.

I was unable to write because I did not believe in anything that I was saying anymore. I would often force myself to write something and it came out horribly. It became clear to me that my participation on this forum was largely indicative of where my life was going at that moment... in a downward spiral. I always find it interesting, how certain things can be trigger something within you... for me, it was reading a composition that I had wrote almost three years ago but had been resurrected. As I read, I became astonished because I realized how different of a person I was from then... and I was worse off for it. In an effort to make myself better, I made things far too complicated... I already had the answers but I continued to search for them. My search for the ultimate truth... for “Forty Six & Two” lead me on a path to nowhere... simply because I was already where I wanted to be.

As I read “Uncovering Victoria’s Secret” I came to realize that the person I was then was a much better person than I had become. Was I a misogynist? Certainly... but at least I felt something. I least I had a passion, a purpose... as opposed to floating around aimlessly devoid of feeling. Realizing the difference between now and then was not the most important part of reading that composition however, what was... was something that only became evident to me after finishing it... I had come full circle. Had I read that same composition a few months ago, I would have to you that it was one of the worst things that I had ever read... but now I read it with a smile. Everything that was stated is nothing further from the truth and although I am no longer the misogynist I once was... I still believe it.

I have decided to make a lot of changes in myself this year, and one of those things was to re-establish myself on this forum. There are people out there who need my help, as well as the help of others. So, for those who do not know me, allow me to re-introduce myself. I was once called “The Matrix: Reloaded” a name which accurately represented my state of mind during that period of my life. My current forum name “The Antichrist Star” does exactly the same. Because in my despair, in my flirtation with suicide, months of depression, frequent drug use among other things... I have found complete clarity. It is amazing, sometimes in order to get to heaven... you have to walk through hell. And while I have yet to have been to hell, this last year I have spent pushing myself to the brink of self-destruction... and now I’m back.

And damn... it feels good.

Reload...

 

[TonyTheTigerOI]

You are still the second sexiest man I know. And the sexiest man I know needs your help, badly.

Julian, new years eve was a disaster with Chelsea. I briefly described how she didnt even get off her couch to say goodbye, just waved and told me to be careful driving home. I was furious. I decided it was over between us.

And then a friend of ours... from a long time ago... IMed me after not talking for almost two years. Do you remeber "pulse" on the forums? The first high school don juan, even before synchmaster and myself, flashbanged into my life. And he told me to keep trying, and he had the utmost confidence in himself, in women, in people... in me. And the friday after we spoke, things all worked out (so to speak).

Well Im confident in myself, in women, in people.... and in you. We may be cursed, we may have to revisit that terrible truth we debated so passionatly when we were kids. But at least we ARE. Two specs among millions of galaxies, hundreds of millions of stars, so insignificatly, so unbelievably important.

The best of luck
-Anthony

 

[LikRetsam]

You look terrible.



I can't wait to hear this one.

 

[Sammo]

Good to see you around.

 

[Nocturnal]

Wow Matrix, this is a bit of a surprise.

I'm glad you were able to see things for what they were, because some people never do and remain in a similar state to that which you described all of their lives.

I have found that the most important thing to life is not to spend it trying to find meaning in it, but to simply live it. Live it with a passion. It might not be easy, but generally, the harder you try, the better results you get.

 

[Void]

Wow man, I'm glad to see you're still trying. I think we've all been there, when we want to give up and the stronger ones pull through. I was at that same state you were in a month ago. Now I'm okay, not quite happy though. And Tony I've spoken to pulse lately, he told me the same. (he's silentjohn on AIM right?)
Anyways I hope to hear from you Antichrist.
-Mike

 

[Mr. Debonaire]

glad to see you back in action matrix

when the going gets rough, the tough get rougher

 

[Jester]

chill.


the world doesnt rest on your shoulders. Take some pleasure in that.

 

[souporman]

I've been going through alot of the same stuff...