Relationship ending because...

[Peaboto]

After a three year relationship with my girlfriend she ends the affair because:
1) when we went to a dance club instead of holding her around the waist I had put my hands in my pockets. We were there for about 5 minutes before we left. She said that was an indication that I was ashamed of her and that I didn't want to be with her.
2) on our way to another club I asked her how she would handle herself if another woman that I knew came up to me and said hello. I was asking this question because my now exgirlfriend is extremely jealous. She was very angry and ignored me the rest of the night.

I would be interested in other opinions as to whether her feelings are valid or not. I can't see any logic in her thought process at all and was quite taken aback when she ended the relationship over the two actions mentioned above.

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

Are you sure she is for real? not just some test or somthing? Breaking up after 3 years because of that is ridiculous!

 

[joekerr31]

she's obviously worried that you are going to leave her, so she's preemptively breaking up with you.

she's a nut case, let her go.

the only way she's going to stay with you is if you can somehow reassure her 100% that you aren't going to leave her or cheat on her. and thats impossible to do with unless you give her all the control over the relationship - and that's completely unhealthy also.

when a relationship isnt progressing the way a woman wants she rarely sits you down and tells you. she does stuff like this - throws a tantrum and storms out.

think of them like little children, who cry and yell when they dont get what they want.

either charge in there and set her straight, or forget her and find yourself a mature woman.

J

 

[donjan]

She is very insecure, that's why she gives you this crap and why she's so jealous. Personally, this would drive me crazy and I wouldn't put up with it, but you'll have to see for yourself.

I mean, three years. Damn. She's got issues.

 

[Kitsune]

Well said J.

Unless she's 100% innocent and trusting, any attempts to get back with her will leave her suspecting that you will try to cheat on her for pretty much the rest of your life.

 

[catch]

ime baffled also...

if she has had the thought of leaving you in the past then maybe she would have found any excuse to leave you now, its harsh m8 i know....

take your time now,you need to consider a few things...

1)why wouldnt she still be interested in you, and why would she be looking for a way out of the relation ship? think...


2)abandon the excuses she gave you, they are not the reason, think about a real reason she would leave you, what would it be??

other man
boord of you
feels traped and stuck
you dont please her needs
she is a psycho

there is loads of reasons why she may end the relation ship with you... and it isnt what she told you, that was just an excuse, witch tells me...

she is ashamed of the real reason she left you
or
she is trying to get your attetion, she is expecting you to beg for her back

these two possabilities are important because you need to find out wich one it is in order to understand the *****.

so which one is it...

a trick to get you beging for her back or genuine los of interest in you????

each one can be fixed and delt with to get her back, so be honest with yourself and with me, which one ist it...?????

 

[flexion_]

Tip of the iceburg friends.

By the time you see the iceburg you have already missed 90% of the ice below the water...

Ignore what she says and go by what she does. Those aren't the reasons why she ended it - they may have just been that final 10% that broke the camel's back so to speak. There were probably lots of deeper issues going on here that she either didn't tell you or you missed the signs.

Maybe she met someone else
Maybe she doesnt feel like you are marriage material
Maybe she likes the colour blue and wanted to date someone who likes green so when you both piss in the same bowl in turns green.
...

I've been there myself - we dwell on the last few words a women says to us in a LTR relationship - there is no logic to it so you will just rack you head against the wall if you do.

All you know for sure is that it over.

 

[joekerr31]

its either over or if you get her back youll be one of those couples who do the whole 'break up get back together' thing over and over and over.

think of a relationship like a job. sure, at times you have problems with your boss, but neither of you pull the ultimatum card unless you are prepared to act.

once you quit your job you wouldn't go back with your tail between your legs asking for it back would you?

1) you'd have too much pride
2) if they took you back you know that you'd be their *****. they'd know they could use and abuse you however they wanted and you'd take it.

breaking up shouldn't be a "tactic". In a mature relationship people mean what they say and say what they mean.

so regardless of why she's done what she's done, move on.

find that next job where they'll pay you more and treat you right.

J

 

[Luveno]

Those are dumb reasons for her to break off like that.

I think she was generally unhappy with the relationship she was in, and wanted to leave without hurting your feelings.

So, she found the nitpickiest reasons to dump you, so she wouldn't have to say " I'm not happy with you"

To hell with her. She's a drama queen for acting like that.

Reminds me of my ex-gf....trust me, you're better off without her.

 

[nishbuk]

The reason those are "dumb reasons" for her to break up with him, is because those aren't the real reasons.

She's already been thinking about doing something for a while, and there is a deeper underlying reason as to why she broke up with you.

Bottom line: You will never know the real reason. You will never know if it was something you did, if it was something that she's dealing with, or if it's something else completely different.

The only thing that you can truthfully guage in an LTR based on her actions is her interest level. Now, interest level can drop for millions of reasons, some of those reasons may even have nothing to do with you persay. But that's it. The reasons she's giving you mean nothing.

Look to how she was acting in the past to see when the interest started to drop.

 

[Chocolate]

It looks to me like she's just using any old excuse to get rid, maybe she's been wanting it over for a while? Think back - less sex, she wants it less, hanging out away from you more?? If thats not the case then sorry, just my thoughts.

 

[Wyldfire]

Go read this tip I posted. It will help you understand the real reason your relationship is falling apart.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=81990

 

[Tkman]

Originally posted by Peaboto
After a three year relationship with my girlfriend she ends the affair because:

1) when we went to a dance club instead of holding her around the waist I had put my hands in my pockets. We were there for about 5 minutes before we left. She said that was an indication that I was ashamed of her and that I didn't want to be with her.

Two thing come to my mind :

1) either both of you are nuts

or

2) she's just looking for an excuse to end the relationship

 

[Bible_Belt]

If your partner is testing you, picking fights or doing anything to force you to give her more attention, then you are not fulfilling her core needs. Gradually increase the level of affection and attention you show her...but only slighty. Continue to do this until the testing and fighting stops. The point at which the testing and such stops is the perfect balance she needs to feel loved. Do not go beyond this point in affection/attention because then you risk giving her more than she can handle, which is just as bad as not giving enough.

Wyldfire, not that you don't get flamed enough, but can you see how your parameters give the woman total control? She throws fits until she gets what she wants - that does not seem like a healthy ltr to me. Calling it her "needs" is a euphemism for "ultimatum," which would be more accurate. I'm never going to tolerate an ultimatum from a woman. imho, the correct answers to any "do this or I'm out of here" demand would be "Goodbye" and "next." In any relationship there is a dom and a sub - part of this is determined by who is the first to leave. Most men do not want to be submissive to women, and imo most women do not want that either, even if they often think they do.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Bible_Belt
If your partner is testing you, picking fights or doing anything to force you to give her more attention, then you are not fulfilling her core needs. Gradually increase the level of affection and attention you show her...but only slighty. Continue to do this until the testing and fighting stops. The point at which the testing and such stops is the perfect balance she needs to feel loved. Do not go beyond this point in affection/attention because then you risk giving her more than she can handle, which is just as bad as not giving enough.

Wyldfire, not that you don't get flamed enough, but can you see how your parameters give the woman total control? She throws fits until she gets what she wants - that does not seem like a healthy ltr to me. Calling it her "needs" is a euphemism for "ultimatum," which would be more accurate. I'm never going to tolerate an ultimatum from a woman. imho, the correct answers to any "do this or I'm out of here" demand would be "Goodbye" and "next." In any relationship there is a dom and a sub - part of this is determined by who is the first to leave. Most men do not want to be submissive to women, and imo most women do not want that either, even if they often think they do.

Sex is to men what feeling loved is to women. Both needs in a relationship are equally as important.

Every woman is different regarding how much attention and affection she needs in order to feel loved. If you are in a LTR with a woman she should not be excessively needy in this department because you would have already determined that she wasn't LTR material due to being too high maintenance. That tip is for LTRs, not dating or short term involvements.

It doesn't matter how successful any of you become with getitng the women you want. If they don't feel loved and valued they will dump you eventually. This is why the rules used here won't work for the long term. They only work for the short term. The most important key to keeping a LTR going is having BOTH partners meet their significant others' core needs. For men, this is sex. For women it is feeling loved.

Guys who come here are usually convinced that by admitting their love as an AFC it caused them to be dumped. That's not the case at all. The real problem AFC's have is that they give TOO much attention and affection to the point where they suffocate and smother the woman. That's not good to do. That's not what I'm suggesting, either. I'm advising finding a balance that gives the woman in your LTR just enough of what she needs to stay content. A woman will get the attention she needs one way or another. She'll either get it because you give her what she needs or she will force you to give it to her by testing and creating drama in the relationship. It's better to find the right balance and give the positive attention because it will make your relationship better AND a woman who feels loved is more loving. When a woman is loving she has a much higher interest in sex than she will if she doesn't feel loved. It's a win-win situation to find the balance...plus you don't have to deal with the testing and drama.

If more men understood this and implemented it they would have much more successful relationships.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Maybe the key is being proactive enough to avoid her having to pitch fits in the first place. Love is easier to give when it is not being demanded.

A woman will get the attention she needs one way or another. She'll either get it because you give her what she needs or she will force you to give it to her by testing and creating drama in the relationship.

or she will cheat.

 

[MVPlaya]

Originally posted by Peaboto
After a three year relationship with my girlfriend she ends the affair because:
1) when we went to a dance club instead of holding her around the waist I had put my hands in my pockets. We were there for about 5 minutes before we left. She said that was an indication that I was ashamed of her and that I didn't want to be with her.
2) on our way to another club I asked her how she would handle herself if another woman that I knew came up to me and said hello. I was asking this question because my now exgirlfriend is extremely jealous. She was very angry and ignored me the rest of the night.

I would be interested in other opinions as to whether her feelings are valid or not. I can't see any logic in her thought process at all and was quite taken aback when she ended the relationship over the two actions mentioned above.

Okay, you are telling me that after three years of putting up with everything, she breaks up with you over THIS?

No.

If she would break up over something trivial, she could have broken up with you 100x already over these 3 years. She is obviously breaking up for a different reason.

 

[JonJack]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
It doesn't matter how successful any of you become with getitng the women you want. If they don't feel loved and valued they will dump you eventually. This is why the rules used here won't work for the long term. They only work for the short term. The most important key to keeping a LTR going is having BOTH partners meet their significant others' core needs. For men, this is sex. For women it is feeling loved.

If more men understood this and implemented it they would have much more successful relationships.

Successful relationships always needs both sides implementing what you've mentioned. And that's what makes it difficult to find successful relationships.

There are men that understands this. I understand this because I strongly believe in the statement "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

It's just that it's not an easy thing to do. Everytime I'm faced with a situation that tests me, I always have to take one step back and take a minute to reflect on the matter before doing anything that I may have to apologise for later.

 

[Bible_Belt]

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Yes - that is the way, the truth, the life.

 

[Black_Italian]

Originally posted by Peaboto
I can't see any logic in her thought process at all and was quite taken aback when she ended the relationship over the two actions mentioned above.

You can't see any logic in her though process? Of course you can't she is a female. It does'nt even matter like Joker said she thought you were going to leave so she left you first.
Ninja out