relationship dilemma, what to do?

[ink_wizard]

30 year old guy here whose been dating this chick for 6 months now. We get on great, always have great fun together and in love with one another. However this chick has BPD and although we get on really well, we have our differences. Shes a great chick, but i am finding her high maintenance and hard to keep happy...Shes very clingy and needy and always feels like i dont give her enough "affection and love"...I'm not an overly affectionate guy and i value my own space especially after doing a draining job all day and sometimes i just want to be by myself. If she had it her way, she'd want to spend every night together, i dont think i could give her that....i want my space, because she can drain me at times as well with her BPD!

Lately the last month all we seem to do is fight and its putting a massive strain on our relationship. The main reason is because we both suffer depression and find it hard to be there for one another especially at the moment as we both have a lot going on in our lives and times are challenging. I cant be around her when she is in a slump as it drags me down and i leave her place feeling drained as hell. She cant be around me when im down because it gets her down in the dumps and feeling crappy. So now we have this issue that we cannot seem to fix and because of it, we are on the verge of breaking up.

However i also feel shes starting to get a bit distant and cold with me. She explained to me last night that she doesnt think we will ever be truly content with each other because of our differences and issues and she doesnt know if she wants to continue things. But she doesnt want to lose what we have either because she really loves me...I am conflicted. I do love this girl dearly even though she does my head in at times and can be hard work, but at the same time i'd be content being single as it gives me time to focus on my career and get my life and mind back on track but i will miss her and what we have and it'd be a shame to just throw the towel in without giving the relationship another chance.....

I honestly dont know what to do and would appreciate all thoughts and advice!!!

 

[Sneaky Pete]

Cut bait! Let her go, get the fvck out of there quick and don’t look back!

 

[Murk]

Very similar situation to what I was in, you can love (or think you love) someone but the relationship is draining because of your incompatibility.

Leave her, focus on your work and life, date women freely.

I was very apprehensive to let go, and now I'm glad I did, you just have to bite the bullet and be more careful getting into something deep like that with a girl you're not totally feeling.

 

[Roober]

Do these guys just pop in once every couple years because they are still betas looking for advice they won't utilize?

 

[dude99]

this chick has BPD and i am finding her high maintenance and hard to keep happy...Shes very clingy and needy and always feels like i dont give enough .i want my space, because she can drain me at times as well with her BPD!

Lately the last month all we seem to do is fight and its putting a massive strain on our relationship. I cant be around her when she is in a slump as it drags me down and i leave her place feeling drained as hell. . So now we have this issue that we cannot seem to fix.

shes starting to get a bit distant and cold with me and she doesnt know if she wants to continue things. I am conflicted. i'd be content being single as it gives me time to focus on my career and get my life and mind back on track.

I honestly dont know what to do and would appreciate all thoughts and advice!!!

I removed all the blah blah blah from your post and left the bare bones facts of what you had posted. Read your post again with my editing done to it.

Nothing about your post said this is worth while. In fact i think you know you need to kick her to the curb, you just need to work up the courage to do it.

 

[soulforge]

First of all, unless she has been clinically diagnosed with BDP she is not bdp.

Both of you sound like your in a unhealthy place right now.

You can either both stick together in this type of situation and help each other out, or make things worse.

To me it sounds like your not doing each other any favours.. You may need time apart to deal with your issues.

What are you doing regarding your health? Are you hitting the gym?

If your suffering from depression, I would strongly advise you to start a workout regime.

Training will make you a mentally stronger person, and build confidence.

In my teen years I used to have depression real bad.. But since I made lifting weights my life style, I have never felt that low again.

Even when I hit hard times, I just take all that chit out of me in the gym.

Maybe talk to her, and see what resolve you can find.

 

[JonnyD123]

30 year old guy here whose been dating this chick for 6 months now. We get on great, always have great fun together and in love with one another. However this chick has BPD and although we get on really well, we have our differences. Shes a great chick, but i am finding her high maintenance and hard to keep happy...Shes very clingy and needy and always feels like i dont give her enough "affection and love"...I'm not an overly affectionate guy and i value my own space especially after doing a draining job all day and sometimes i just want to be by myself. If she had it her way, she'd want to spend every night together, i dont think i could give her that....i want my space, because she can drain me at times as well with her BPD!

Lately the last month all we seem to do is fight and its putting a massive strain on our relationship. The main reason is because we both suffer depression and find it hard to be there for one another especially at the moment as we both have a lot going on in our lives and times are challenging. I cant be around her when she is in a slump as it drags me down and i leave her place feeling drained as hell. She cant be around me when im down because it gets her down in the dumps and feeling crappy. So now we have this issue that we cannot seem to fix and because of it, we are on the verge of breaking up.

However i also feel shes starting to get a bit distant and cold with me. She explained to me last night that she doesnt think we will ever be truly content with each other because of our differences and issues and she doesnt know if she wants to continue things. But she doesnt want to lose what we have either because she really loves me...I am conflicted. I do love this girl dearly even though she does my head in at times and can be hard work, but at the same time i'd be content being single as it gives me time to focus on my career and get my life and mind back on track but i will miss her and what we have and it'd be a shame to just throw the towel in without giving the relationship another chance.....

I honestly dont know what to do and would appreciate all thoughts and advice!!!

Man you sound exactly like where I was not that long ago. I came to these forums just like you did. Everyone told me to get out, but I didn’t listen. Don’t get me wrong, I learned A LOT from that tumultuous relationship, but I wish I would’ve listened the first time to everyone here. Don’t do what I did. Don’t waste another year of your life wishing/hoping things will change. They will not. It may be passionate and good AT TIMES, but the realty is this will never work. Never. Stop kidding yourself. Take the L and move on. Put your ego aside and let her go. You may feel like a failure in the relationship, but you’ll bounce back man I promise you.

 

[QuadDeuces]

BPD is rare, only 2% of women have it.
Even still, BPD or not, if someone treats you like crap you leave.
Codependent Stockholm syndrome for your abuser is very weak feminine energy.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

Lately the last month all we seem to do is fight and its putting a massive strain on our relationship.

When you're in an LTR you have two very simple metrics for measuring the success of it:

1. Do you feel good around this person more than you feel bad around them?
2. Does this person improve your life more than they damage it?

If the answer to either of those (very similar) questions is "No", then finish it and move on.

The woman in your life should make you feel happy and good about life. You've got enough BS and stress on your plate with life as it is without a girl that makes you feel s*** too.

 

[ink_wizard]

That’s the thing she has been clinically diagnosed with BPD though...

It’s hard she does make me a better person in a lot of ways and she has helped me grow as a person even though we haven’t been together that long. For the most part she has been a positive influence on my life and has done a lot for me, I can’t knock her there. Her family love me and vise versa with mine. This is what makes it hard. Because despite all the goodness of the relationship, we face issues that don’t seem to improve no matter how many talks we have. I truly do love her and I know she does love me and we both want this to work but I don’t know if our incompatibility is just too much