Relationship coming to an end

[AlexTheGreat]

So my girlfriend had been pretty distant these past few weeks, and I couldn't quite figure out why. I didn't realize they were signs of her losing her attraction; or rather, I did realize it, but I decided I was just paranoid and ignored them. So as she pulled back, I pushed forward. Obviously a mistake.

The other day, I went to see her, and she was very cold; I came to give her a hug and she rejected that. We got into some argument the day before so I thought that's what caused her reaction; that I why I wanted to go and talk to her.

Anyways, we go take a walk and talk about things. Then she says she's been questioning whether we were really compatible for each other. I said I knew that the times hadn't been easy lately, but I thought everything was caused by a lack of communication on both of our parts. We haven't been able to talk much because of a few different things, including my wanting to get physical more than emotional with her (I didn't tell her that). So we keep talking, and I tell her that I do think we're compatible, since we share so many things in common. She kindof took me by surprise on that front, so my answer wasn't perfect, but I said that even our values are compatible, but lately we haven't been able to express them well enough because we haven't spent much time together.

We get into talking about what annoyed one in the other, and why. And it all stems from a lack of communication: little things kept quiet that just built up to become huge monsters inside. She also told me that she felt I expected things from her, and that I kindof held her back. I told her that I know we can work this out, we just have to talk and get it all out there.

A little before the end of the conversation, I ask her if she still wanted to make this work. She said she'd be willing to give it a second chance; and I said good, so would I. Then I repeated that what we needed was better communication to make this work. I left with a positive feeling that something was possible.

Now I'm wondering what I should do. Is there any way to save this situation? I've thought back of things lately, and realized where I had screwed up. Indeed, I was putting myself first here: it was my physical need ahead of her emotional needs. I can also see myself becoming especially AFC during these last few weeks.

I called her the day after, wanting to meet her for a bit so we could talk about it some more. I sounded really down on the phone though so it wasn't that great of an idea I think. She said she felt it wasn't a very good idea, and that we shouldn't rush things. A few minutes later, I called her again and told her that she was right, and cancelled that. I told her I'm gonna be very busy this week, and that we should take a few days to think about things and not rush into anything; and that we'll call each other soon. This was yesterday (Sunday)

I'm thinking of giving her a quick call on Thursday, just to see how she's doing, get some laughter going, and then bail out quickly like I'm meeting someone. And then not call her again till she gives me a call.

What should I do? I know this is in a critical phase, if not already past critical. Any tips would be very welcome!

EDIT : I should add that we've been together for 2 weeks short of a year, so it's not like we haven't been through anything together. We had awesome memories together, so I do believe she would want to salvage some of this.

 

[EnriTT]

So as she pulled back, I pushed forward. Obviously a mistake.

You are making the same mistake now.
You must gather the will power to not push any harder as it's only hurting your odds.

Do you, deep down, honestly want to make this work, if you have a gut
feeling that things will not be okay even if you guys manage to solve it for
now, listen to it.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

You are right. I need to think of my actions first before making any move now...

To be honest, I believe we can make it through this. If she still has any hope in the relationship, and any interest in me, I'm sure we can make it out together. And I do believe I've learned my lesson. I was never putting myself in her shoes to see just what I was doing to her; but I want to change that, and I don't believe it should be so hard.

All we need is another chance to talk, to let all the evil out of the bag, and then start on a fresher, cleaner and more connected tone. I'm ready to do this; I just hope she is as well.

 

[Cashew]

As long as it is you waiting for her to come talk to you. Don't go back to her with any "we need to talk" crap. That won't help you any. Let it slide until she gets curious and needs/wants to talk by coming to you first.

pretend with youself that it is over, you sound way too desperate to keep this girl. She should be happy to be with you, not the other way around. Real men don't need to rely on women to be happy.

 

[Interceptor]

Alex, you have to lead.
You cant follow her.
If you do love her, you will realize that loving her means being there for her and satisfying her needs too.
You do need to keep your relationship a priority.
Make time for it.
Set aside time for it every day.


You're a grown man now with dreams, and desires, and wants and needs too.


Communicate to her how much you do care for her and do love her.
And make that inward promise to yourself that you wont take her for granted, and truly be appreciative and grateful for having her in your life.


She is with you because of a DECISION she made.
Remember that.

She made a conscious decision to stay with you and not some other guy.
She was under no obligation.
Always always keep that in mind.

She doesnt owe you.

So what she brings into your life is her gift to you as her man.


While she does need to satify your needs and desires, you need to keep her emotional and overall well being in your heart as well.

This is just how it goes.

Be HER MAN.

There's something lacking here, and she's feeling it.

Perhaps part of why there may be a lack of physical intimacy is because she doesnt trust you enough now,so she cant surrender herself and her body to you. This is crucial. And it's part of growing up an becoming and BEING a mature, masculine man.

 

[KontrollerX]

If you like you the way that you are then you need to point her to the door so she can go find someone else rather than change yourself and what you want out of a woman just to try and keep some relationship that is ultimately going to fail anyway.

You want to get physical and have sex with her a lot.

She wants lovey dovey emotional bullsh!t way more than you care to be bothered with.

So why waste your time trying to appease her when you can instead go find some chick out there that really has your best interests in mind ie sex and no bullsh!t mindgames hassle about wanting you to be more romantic and all that nonsense???

Seriously what a load of sh!t and despite you thinking you've both worked things out by you showing weakness in letting her vent whats wrong with you to you she is secretly going to feel justified in leaving you for the big and better deal and mark my words she is looking for it now but just holding onto you for the time being so she can be the one to leave you first and keep all the power and validation moving forward.

When a chick tells you that there are things about you that annoy her you point that b!tch to the door and say there it is.

If she stays you win and if she leaves you win.

The point is you keep your power in doing this no matter the outcome and most woman find this type of showing of one's backbone absolutely irresistable and just can't believe a man would take a stand and talk to them that way when most men they've encountered are weak spineless b!tches in this day and age completely enslaved by the pvssy.

And not only do you keep your power by not compromising with some woman over what she wants you to be you also stay the man that you like being.

You stay who you are and don't give up your identity to appease some b!tch who got tired of what she once was perfectly happy with.

Let her go find someone else.

Edit: Great post by Interceptor in here too. You've definitely got to be the leader in your relationship's bro.

 

[DJDamage]

Then she says she's been questioning whether we were really compatible for each other.

Its too late.

This chick has already (in her mind) made the decision to end it. She just taking her sweet time to end it because she is looking out for her own long term best interests.

When ever a woman utters the words "questioning your relationship" or "thinking of taking some time apart or "I have to find myself", "I need space" and finally "lets see other people" it all comes down to the begining of the end of your relationship. You cannot at this point try to talk her out of it or negotiate a better relationship with her.

Intimacy cannot be negotiated.

I take the radical approach. I know what is going to come anyway, the only difference is that I am not going to wait for her for weeks to "supposedly" make up her mind (while she is looking to replace me with another guy who fvcked her after meeting her in a bar). If this car is going to crush into a wall then at least I will like to be in the driver seat:

Her: "I don't know if we really are compatible anymore"

Me: " yeah I think you are right we are so different"

Her: "oh.. what do you mean"

Me: "You know what I mean you brought this up, so it was nice dating you for a while and now I am going to go and find me someone more compatabile"

Her: <speechless>

 

[AlexTheGreat]

I must say that she is my first real relationship, but I do believe she is someone special (I know, sounds AFC). She's not a slut, far from it; we had sex the first time 3 months after we started dating. She's been there for me quite a few times, and we've been through a lot of situations together.

Now I don't want this to end. I do realize that I've messed up quite a lot.

One example was about 2 weeks ago (so already in the going-down phase). We had planned for her to come sleep over at my place on Friday night about a week in advance, as my parents were gonna leave and I'd have the house to myself. So Friday comes, and she tells me that she'll come over but she can't stay. I probably should have cancelled the date right there, but I didn't.

I went to pick her up and we talked about it. I told her I wasn't sure how I was feeling about this, since we had planned it for a while and the very Friday, her mom told her she was having guests the next day so she wouldn't be able to stay the night. I told her I didn't think it was fair for me since we hadn't spent much time together lately and this was a chance for us to rekindle together. She told me she was sorry, that she might have spent too much time with her friends lately and not enough on me, and that she'd try to do something about it.

That night I was having a very bad headache, but I still wanted to see her. I wasn't as enjoyable a company as usual, but I told her I wanted to go to a restaurant and then come back to my place, and she agreed. She asked me if we could go to the casino, a place she liked, since we hadn't been for a while, but my headache was really bad so we said we'll see how we feel later.

So the restaurant was ok, but she gets a stomach ache. After we're done, she tells me she's got this stomach ache, and instead of asking her whether she still wanted to go elsewhere, I said casually "ok we're not going to the casino" and brought her back to my place. (she didn't protest or anything).

We get back to my place, lie on the bed and chat for a little while. Still, nothing was very serious. Then I hug her, we start caressing each-other and we end up having sex. After that it was getting about 11h30, she had told her mom she'd be home early, so I decided to bring her back to her place.

I'm thinking this didn't help my situation any. I got my sex, she didn't get her casino....

There's a bunch more examples like these that I can think of. She never actually said anything about them, but it did affect her. And now if I put myself in her shoes, I'd feel pretty badly treated if someone did that to me. I don't know exactly right now, I feel like I've really screwed this up. However I do believe I can learn from this; I have already learnt from this.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

you sound way too desperate to keep this girl.

I think I am to be honest. I just think she's a great girl; a keeper. And it makes me mad that I broke this relationship.

BTW I just read this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134995 and it made me realize a bit more what I did wrong... Though at this stage I'm wondering if it isn't too late already.

 

[WC2]

You're blinded by love right now.

The fact that she could move onto bigger and better things is lighting a fire under your ass now to improve your relationship. Unfortunately, I think it's too late.

You can't expect your woman to fall back in love with you again. She's seen you waiver, maybe she's seen more of a solid man out there, and she's just not attracted to you (at least right now).

Your best option is to move forward and get over this relationship. Even if you salvage her company for the next week or two, I promise it will do nothing but prolong your pain when she dumps you and makes love to some other guy. Judging by her words, it's not the question of if but when she does this.

Time apart from a woman is good for the masculine soul. No amount of talking or nagging is going to bring this woman back in to your life right now and nor should you accept her back into your life unless she is the one telling you, "Alex I want you back in my life. I miss you so much." Only then should you accept her back. However, if you've improved enough, you will learn that there are far better things out there.

You've had some of the best and most experienced posters on these forums reply to you. They've all echoed the same thing to you. I've made this mistake once and all the posters above me helped me to see the reality of my problem-- when it's over, it's over-- and probably for the better.

This is a step in manhood. Take your first step.

 

[The Bat]

I think you need to read this excellent thread by joekerr:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471

I think you've got terrible oneitis for this girl. Even if you do manage to salvage this relationship, I don't think it is going to benefit you in the long run. You'll be back here again in couple of months asking our advice on something else with this relationship.

You need to experience more girls. She is NOT somebody special. Don't go complete AFC on us by falling in love with the first girl who opened her legs up to you.

Even though I think you realize that you're worsening the situation for yourself. And that's good. At least, you aren't totally clueless.

I think it's just taking you awhile to put an end to all of this. That's alright too though. Experience is the best teacher.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

You guys are totally right. We talked the other night, and after I explained my point of why we weren't doing good and whatnot, pointed how we could fix it all up, she still went on to attack me with sh!t like me "not being as generous as I thought I was" because when we went to get a movie the other night, after I paid for the pizza I told her she could pay for the movie.

I wasn't prepared for that, so I didn't think much of it. It's only the next day when I thought back that I saw just how screwy this mentality was.

She goes on about how "she usually pays half" and some more crap, which is total bull because while she does pay for some, I usually take the most part of the bill (and she didn't seem to complain there). A while back for example, we were at a little restaurant and the bill comes. She ate more than me, yet when the bill came I pulled out a $20, and asked her to pitch in for some tip. thats it. I don't think $20 and $3 is equal.... Again I barely said anything about this to her, which I kind of regret cuz I didn't put my position forward.

Anyways, after that, she went on to ask for a "break", to which I idiotically agreed instead of turning it in her face and saying that we are already broken up. I still had hope of a "she'll see things in a better light" kindda thing. But now I don't.

After I actually thought back of what she's reproaching me, I can see that she's just bringing non-issues into the subject as a way of breaking me down, both in my and in her mind. Which is working: I'm now completely turned off by her arrogance and lack of manners. I thought I was dating a cool chick but the fact that she had already made up her mind about things yet didn't talk about them to me really REALLY grinds my gears. And worse still, the fact that she doesn't have enough courage to tell me that she wants to end it in real words, and drags it on like you guys said, is simply disgusting. But worse still is the fact that after we've been through a year of stuff, she's not trying ANYTHING to make this work. She's basically given up the battle and is fighting for the other team now. Which just goes to say that I do believe she's right: our values are not compatible. I value working on things when they go wrong; she seems to want something new altogether. To which I say FLICK THAT.

I am now actually angry at her. Not because she wants to break up, but rather because she can't actually tell me straight up what her intentions are. She said "she'd like to give it another chance" yet her mind was made up. And I believe I'm worth more than some cheap b!tch who'll accuse me for not being generous in things I never had to do in the first place, while she never even went as far as buying me a drink. (talk about generosity there )

I just called her a few minutes ago, I wanna speak my mind to her, but I don't think it's worth it. She was with a few friends, so I didn't feel like breaking up with her like that. I wanted to save this thing, but seeing how she doesn't care about neither me nor what we had together, I'm done my work. I tried, she didn't. End of story.

Should I just call her back right now and break up with her?


By the way guys, thank you all for your really good input. This is my first real breakup (hahaha) and to be honest, I don't know whether it just didn't sink in yet or if I don't care all that much, but I'm not really all that sad and depressed. I was expecting a worse reaction from myself lol.

Again thanks guys!

 

[In2theGame]

You guys are totally right. We talked the other night, and after I explained my point of why we weren't doing good and whatnot, pointed how we could fix it all up, she still went on to attack me with sh!t like me "not being as generous as I thought I was" because when we went to get a movie the other night, after I paid for the pizza I told her she could pay for the movie.

I wasn't prepared for that, so I didn't think much of it. It's only the next day when I thought back that I saw just how screwy this mentality was.

She goes on about how "she usually pays half" and some more crap, which is total bull because while she does pay for some, I usually take the most part of the bill (and she didn't seem to complain there). A while back for example, we were at a little restaurant and the bill comes. She ate more than me, yet when the bill came I pulled out a $20, and asked her to pitch in for some tip. thats it. I don't think $20 and $3 is equal.... Again I barely said anything about this to her, which I kind of regret cuz I didn't put my position forward.

Anyways, after that, she went on to ask for a "break", to which I idiotically agreed instead of turning it in her face and saying that we are already broken up. I still had hope of a "she'll see things in a better light" kindda thing. But now I don't.

After I actually thought back of what she's reproaching me, I can see that she's just bringing non-issues into the subject as a way of breaking me down, both in my and in her mind. Which is working: I'm now completely turned off by her arrogance and lack of manners. I thought I was dating a cool chick but the fact that she had already made up her mind about things yet didn't talk about them to me really REALLY grinds my gears. And worse still, the fact that she doesn't have enough courage to tell me that she wants to end it in real words, and drags it on like you guys said, is simply disgusting. But worse still is the fact that after we've been through a year of stuff, she's not trying ANYTHING to make this work. She's basically given up the battle and is fighting for the other team now. Which just goes to say that I do believe she's right: our values are not compatible. I value working on things when they go wrong; she seems to want something new altogether. To which I say FLICK THAT.

I am now actually angry at her. Not because she wants to break up, but rather because she can't actually tell me straight up what her intentions are. She said "she'd like to give it another chance" yet her mind was made up. And I believe I'm worth more than some cheap b!tch who'll accuse me for not being generous in things I never had to do in the first place, while she never even went as far as buying me a drink. (talk about generosity there )

I just called her a few minutes ago, I wanna speak my mind to her, but I don't think it's worth it. She was with a few friends, so I didn't feel like breaking up with her like that. I wanted to save this thing, but seeing how she doesn't care about neither me nor what we had together, I'm done my work. I tried, she didn't. End of story.

Should I just call her back right now and break up with her?


By the way guys, thank you all for your really good input. This is my first real breakup (hahaha) and to be honest, I don't know whether it just didn't sink in yet or if I don't care all that much, but I'm not really all that sad and depressed. I was expecting a worse reaction from myself lol.

Again thanks guys!

Alex, Congrats on your first real break up lol, Seriously though, ive been in your shoes and i know how the emotions run and the confusion clouds your mind but take this experience with you and apply it in your future. understand that you arent going to be toyed with by a women and stand your ground as a man. You will do much better. good luck.

 

[KontrollerX]

You seriously fvcked up when you went along with the break bullsh!t.

To save yourself do not call this cvnt back but instead just go about your life as normal looking for a new chick and should she contact you at some point about wanting to talk or rework your relationship do not let your emotions get the best of you.

Tell her its over between you two without even mentioning the "breaK" and entering yourself into her frame in so doing.

You are the man you control the frame and direction of your own life not her so you tell her its over when and if she contacts you but do not go out of your way and contact her.

The person who cares the most does the contacting and you no longer care because the word "break" is code for I want to break up with you either now or soon.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471

And read that famous thread by joekerr on what breaks mean.

 

[Interceptor]

she still went on to attack me

Thats all you need.
Move on, Alex.
Dont waste another minute on her.
Good luck, and keep working on your core values,and your personal boundaries.
It is extremely important to know WHO you are, WHAT you want, and what you will not tolerate, and be able to ASSERT yourself against those who disrespect you and especially some woman who doesnt appreciate you.
Your needs matter too. And you're under no obligation to be with someone who doesn't honor you or your needs.

Stay away from women who arent supporting you on your mission and in life, and who try to emasculate you, and shame you , instead of enhancing your masculinity and your life in general.
Life is too short.

Never sacrifice your dignity for some chick.
No matter how great the sex is, if you have self respect and self esteem, you wont participate or be subjected to low class behavior with low class women.
Take your time to really think about this....

 

[dmatter]

so how do I prevent her interest from fading?