You are right, of course. And I may have blown it. Then again, she has been texting me ever since and we do have tentative plans for this coming week. And if it doesn't work out, so what? I'll live and be happy and at least I've learned from it.
And I probably could have nailed it last time. But I think that my hesitation is symptomatic of a lifetime of AFC conditioning that I've only recently been able to recognize and initiate steps to overcome. By that I mean that even though I recognize this in myself, its still a part of me. As I said somewhere before, things were easy in my twenties. I had girlfriends, friends, things just came naturally, it seemed. I really didn't need to put much thought or effort into it. Not that I was some natural alpha, just that things were less complicated---no one really seemed to care one way or the other. Added to which I was either drunk or high most of the time and so were all of the people I associated with. Any interaction I may have had, and all that went with it, was about booze or dope when it came right down to it.
Then I had a horrible marriage for eight years and met my son's mother right after the divorce. The marriage didn't leave me empty but my son's mother breaking up with me had to be the worst thing I've endured. I couldn't understand it then and I still can't.
Anyway, I think I'm letting all of this hold me back from moving ahead with these things. At bottom, I'm the one who wants to go slowly because.....I don't really know why. I suppose that I'm afraid to show any shred of vulnerability because woman will just capitalize on that and ruin you. I see women as Medusas or sirens out of Homer's Odyssey. And I do realize that this is doing no one any good. And I am trying to work through it. This site, and reading through the forum posts have helped me greatly. I can tell just in the way that women relate to me since I've been working on this stuff. They all seem more open and more friendly. Plus I'm more confident, and more self aware. It's kind of like the reverse of a depressive funk. You have no whatever, so you're depressed. And you're depression feeds into your inability to fix whatever it is that's lacking. Now it's the opposite. I feel great, so I talk to women. Talking to women makes me feel great, etc, etc. Feeling great trickles into other areas of my life.
longish post. But thanks for the advice I've been given.
I do appreciate it. We'll see how it goes on Monday at this other chick's apartment. I'm the one who suggested watching a movie over there and she readily agreed.
Incidentally, its been a long time for me. And 'I think part of it has to do with nerves. I know I shouldn't let this bother me but it does. Guess I just have to say fvck it and press on.....
Thanks
