Reciprocation Issue

[AAS]

I have been with this girl for almost 3 years now, and have lived together almost 2 years. I have been relocated on the other side of the world for over 2 months for working purposes and to take a step to securing our financial future so we can start a family in about 2 years.

As you can tell we are serious. However, its barely 3 weeks into all this and because of the conservative nature of the area I am in I'm feeling incredibly lonely and socially isolated. My girlfriend on the other hand is at home, and while she says she misses me, she does not reciprocate my emotions and impulses. I have to get up at very early hours in the morning for work, but the only way we can talk is during the night. Some days we don't get to talk at all, and others we barely get over an hour due to my working hours. So I have been adjusting my sleeping hours to make time for us to speak. The problem is that when i am actually able to make more time, she tells me she is too tired and needs to sleep (even though she doesn't start work until late morning) and that she cant function properly if she doesn't sleep and keep the routine.

This has started to get to me a lot lately. I'm the one making a greater effort to make time, working longer hours, being isolated and lonely while she is home. When I try to talk about how that makes me feels she tells me I'm trying to make her feel guilty, and that I can't change the situation we are in for the moment so I just have to accept it and look on the positive side of things. The last time we were apart she was much more involved in making time and would behave in away that showed me that she was feeling the emotions that I was feeling... but now it feels much much different.


I basically broke up with her last night. I told her it was because my emotional needs were not being seen to by her, and that she did not feel it was that important to have regular communication (she told me that if I felt so tired then i should just sleep and we would find time on other days and that it was just something to put up with if the calls were days apart). However, when I told her I wouldn't be able to last the couple of months with her amplifying my loneliness and that I wanted to break up-- her tune changed. She was telling me how much she loved me, how much she missed me, etc etc and started crying. By 3 am we decided we were still together and would discuss the issues tomorrow (today)...

I''m not sure exactly what I'm looking for on here... but i just feel i need some support or direction. Perhaps something I can use in the coming discussion. What would you do?

(btw, she encouraged me to take this job opportunity and I told her that it would be difficult on anyone to go where I am going. I told her that I would only consider going if I had 100% of her support. I'm not getting it... and I don't want her support if she doesnt have the desire to give it)

 

[gspshields2]

I have been with this girl for almost 3 years now, and have lived together almost 2 years. I have been relocated on the other side of the world for over 2 months for working purposes and to take a step to securing our financial future so we can start a family in about 2 years.

As you can tell we are serious. However, its barely 3 weeks into all this and because of the conservative nature of the area I am in I'm feeling incredibly lonely and socially isolated. My girlfriend on the other hand is at home, and while she says she misses me, she does not reciprocate my emotions and impulses. I have to get up at very early hours in the morning for work, but the only way we can talk is during the night. Some days we don't get to talk at all, and others we barely get over an hour due to my working hours. So I have been adjusting my sleeping hours to make time for us to speak. The problem is that when i am actually able to make more time, she tells me she is too tired and needs to sleep (even though she doesn't start work until late morning) and that she cant function properly if she doesn't sleep and keep the routine.

This has started to get to me a lot lately. I'm the one making a greater effort to make time, working longer hours, being isolated and lonely while she is home. When I try to talk about how that makes me feels she tells me I'm trying to make her feel guilty, and that I can't change the situation we are in for the moment so I just have to accept it and look on the positive side of things. The last time we were apart she was much more involved in making time and would behave in away that showed me that she was feeling the emotions that I was feeling... but now it feels much much different.


I basically broke up with her last night. I told her it was because my emotional needs were not being seen to by her, and that she did not feel it was that important to have regular communication (she told me that if I felt so tired then i should just sleep and we would find time on other days and that it was just something to put up with if the calls were days apart). However, when I told her I wouldn't be able to last the couple of months with her amplifying my loneliness and that I wanted to break up-- her tune changed. She was telling me how much she loved me, how much she missed me, etc etc and started crying. By 3 am we decided we were still together and would discuss the issues tomorrow (today)...

I''m not sure exactly what I'm looking for on here... but i just feel i need some support or direction. Perhaps something I can use in the coming discussion. What would you do?

(btw, she encouraged me to take this job opportunity and I told her that it would be difficult on anyone to go where I am going. I told her that I would only consider going if I had 100% of her support. I'm not getting it... and I don't want her support if she doesnt have the desire to give it)

Her lack of effort in communicating with you is most likely she is cheating on you behind your back.

 

[mahoney]

you have to present how you are feeling rationally and calmly, say you don't mean to make her feel guilty but at same time it is better for issues about this to be raised now rather than let them fester and grow till they are more difficult to address.

i would say that although you both agreed at the time this was a good move for you both, and you knew it wouldn't be easy, at same time you hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be once you were there

i think you need to put it out there how you are feeling about this, what it is like for you, but dont press her for any thoughts herself, just say you how it is for you at the moment, end conversation on good terms and let her think about it overnight

 

[joverby]

I typed out some sh1t but what mahoney said is a lot better lol. GPS is a little paranoid though.

 

[thevilittletroll]

with all due respect bro....you sound like a woman! man up and quit acting like a little b.itch! i get it that you miss her, but there's nothing you can do about it. that was a horrible thing to do to your lady is to break up with her like that. that was guilt trip all day. for your sake i hope she doesnt start cheating on you now. find something fun to do while you are there to keep your mind off things. watch some porn and rub one out. work out, play some golf, do something. make plans to see her in the future instead of complaining about the negative present. that way you have something to look forward to. the more you complain about the negative she will start to resent you, and it will end badly for you.

 

[gspshields2]

I typed out some sh1t but what mahoney said is a lot better lol. GPS is a little paranoid though.

She will cheat if she hasn't already. Every thread starts off like this and ends up in cheating. Women are women, you can't expect much from them. At least North American women. To the OP, is your girl a North American girl?

 

[AAS]

Thanks anyway joverby.

@ Mahoney: I plan on delivering what I have to say about my situation calmly. The last time I told her how I felt calmly she said she didn't know what to do about it. A few days later and nothing changed. We didn't end up talking for a few days because i had work commitments, and she went to a concert with her cousin for said cousin's birthday. I mean, I can't really be being selfish for wanting to communicate with my girlfriend in these conditions can I? If tonights conversation doesn't help alleviate some of what I'm going through, I'm considering ending my efforts to making time to talk. Perhaps that would put her on the same page.

 

[AAS]

@ thevilelittletroll: I'm in the middle east. No access to porn, no public houses, no golf courses. just work, food, a room with a bed and terrible internet connection.

Don't pretend to know what I'm going through, it doesn't bring you any more dignity than you already have dignity. I understand that your response was aimed to help me, but I am a bit insulted tbh. I feel let down by my partner, there's nothing womanly about it.

 

[joverby]

The littletroll is kind of right though too. But that's how he would feel in that situation, it's not how you feel. I think you really would benefit from trying to go out and do some fun stuff(Which would give you , fun stuff, to talk about on your next days convo) to keep your mind off of it.

You are relying only on her for your emotional attention. This is a lot of pressure for anyone. She has the luxury of being at home w/ her friends and family still. But if you feel that way, you feel that way. I just think if you could be a little more independent it prob would be healthier for you, and her.

 

[mahoney]

its true he is relying solely on her for his emotional attention (and under the circumstances not only to understandable - but even to be expected - is a major reason i could never work in one of those countries), and really perhaps something that ideally should have been discussed before embarking on this trip

 

[Warrior74]

I wrote a comment but it got deleted? wha?

If you are in the middle east, do what the middle eastern guys do. Take trips to nearby free countries for vacations, and weekends. Hang out with other foriegners there. Don't they have clubs & venues for foriegners/expats?

But yah, women don't support men emotionally. They can't handle that sort of work. The sooner you understand that at a cellular level the better off you'll be. Talk to your mates, your boys, your dad (not your mum, a woman remember) or your coworkers, but don't talk to your woman about it.

 

[bigneil]

Don't take it personally. It's only natural for her to find someone else if you are away for a long time.

The thing about LDR's is, get what you can from them, and enjoy the romance which can be amplified, but understand that the normal state is for them to fail. For that reason you shouldn't blame yourself when they do.

 

[AAS]

Just had the discussion with her. It's all good for now. We've wiped the slate clean covering the last 3 weeks and we're not to bring any of the details or specific arguments into play from now. Prior to this she agreed that she should have been thinking a little deeper about the situation we're in, and she explained that she just wants the 2 months to fly by as quickly as possible (routine definitely helps). I've agreed to not jumping to conclusions because she might not always realize she said would imply. I told her I would only accept 2 more fumbles, and the 3rd one tells me everything I need to know in order to call everything off.

@Warrior74 I'm 900 km away form the nearest airport, coaches run every other day, and no they don't have clubs where I am. You're mistaken about women not supporting men emotionally. My woman does a perfectly adequate job at it when we are together... she just has a hard time understanding the severity of the situation where i am, and she isn't dealing with my absence very well (this will be the longest we have been separated since we've moved in together).

@bigneil: I seriously doubt you read my posts entirely. This isn't merely an LDR romance.

 

[mahoney]

We've wiped the slate clean covering the last 3 weeks and we're not to bring any of the details or specific arguments into play from now.

good - sometimes people are a little thoughtless and things like this can happen with no real intention, which is why it should be brought up early - and then slate wiped clean

try look at this way - 2 months isn't really that long a time and you must have already done almost half of it

 

[HoneyHitter]

Just had the discussion with her. It's all good for now. We've wiped the slate clean covering the last 3 weeks and we're not to bring any of the details or specific arguments into play from now. Prior to this she agreed that she should have been thinking a little deeper about the situation we're in, and she explained that she just wants the 2 months to fly by as quickly as possible (routine definitely helps). I've agreed to not jumping to conclusions because she might not always realize she said would imply. I told her I would only accept 2 more fumbles, and the 3rd one tells me everything I need to know in order to call everything off.

Excellent. Let's see how this turns out.