Rebuilding frame

[jimjam]

Gentlemen,

It's been a while since I've posted here. I find myself in a very dark place.

Summary: I found sosuave, probably like a lot of guys, after a sh!tty breakup. Anyway, this was about four years ago. I internalized a lot of what I read and I pulled myself back together. I was doing okay with women, spinning plates, etc. It wasn't excessive or extravagant but I was satisfied with things. It all fizzled out but by that point, I really didn't give a fvck anymore. Like I said, I was okay. It didn't matter whether there were women in my life or not

Then a series of personal and financial calamities have left me with nothing. May even have to move back in with my parents. I'm 44. No money. I've been told that I'm a decent-looking fellow but I see an ugly, broken old man when I look in the mirror. I see women and I just can't approach them. No money keep repeating itself in my head. I'm ugly, too. Plus, I can't get it up without pills so that weighs on me as well. And, I have a lot of medical issues that I don't think moat women would want to deal with.

I know I should ignore this defeatist thinking. I know this internally but it's involuntary. It just happens. I'd like some female company every now and again but like I said, all these thoughts are preventing me from moving forward with it.

I should add too that I haven't been with a woman for over two years. It's time. Plus, with all the calamities that I alluded to above, I managed to get hooked o pain killers and barbiturate, though I don't abuse them as often as I once did.

I have a ****ty job that pays sustenance wages and noting more. Work where I live is scarce and mostly pays poorly. But I don't understand it. I was doing over 1,000 pushups a week, 300 pullups. I was in phenomenal shape. I'm a published writer. Was an avid outdoorsman. Well read, could discuss most anything intelligently. Now I can't seem to muster any interest in anything.

anyway, was thinking a way to help me get out of this slump is to visit a massage parlor. I know. But I think that may be just the push I need to get rolling again with women. Once I get a taste it'll be easier to get more. Like attracts like. ricey but I'm at the end of my rope. I fear if I do nothing I'll wind up listening to talk radio and cursing my neighbors as I molder away.

Any thoughts are appreciated----be caustic and harsh.

Thanks

 

[Reykhel]

Hey jimjam,

Sorry to hear about your plight.

With regards to the massage parlor being the push you need to get rolling with women again......I would caution against it. You've got an addiction and you appear on a downward spiral. Though you say you're not abusing the pills as much, you were addicted and are still abusing. The massage parlor ****e could end up spiraling into another addiction.......you do it once.....it was ok, but maybe it will be better the second time..........then the second time it's ok................maybe one more time before you take the plunge and start talking to women in the real world.......you'll also have a limit time ......you get your hit it's over....you have to leave....the only way is to pay again. With what cash. I think it would be another bad choice leading to possible another bad habit.......

Deal with one thing at a time. With the correct habits performed on a daily basis there's a lot you could achieve in a year or two.....

Deal with the addiction and get your health in order. It should be your first priority

Get some reading material specifically about people who have overcome really difficult circumstances (man's search for meaning perhaps)

Can you take up a martial art like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? So many people take it up later in life and it can be a life changer for your health, self esteem, meeting people......

You've got a job........look for a better one.......

Never mind massage parlors.........get out and start socializing/talking to people.......

 

[SteR]

I don't mean to pry, but what caused your situation? How did everything suddenly fall apart?

 

[ubercat]

2.5 years ago I got screwed over by a boss who was covering his ass and found myself out of work at 48. I was also seriously overweight and out of shape and of course the girlfriend then dumped me. I could have fallen apart.

I got through by concentrating on rebuilding myself physically and mentally first.

I d suggest
- Stop thinking about that job as crappy. Look at it as a place to build and showcase your Customer Service and work ethic. Be the first guy in and the last to leave always have a smile for the customers and learn the names of the regulars. This is your personal brand. Being known as a happy hard working guy will help u look for a better job.

Load up your phone with positive audiobooks and start walking ideally an hour a day. I think it was @Reykhel who posted a thread with a good body weight exercise routine.

Start meditation. The worst thing about being in a bad situation is your mind will chew it over and over and you wear yourself out with anxiety so you have no energy. Exercise and meditation break the cycle.

We ve had homeless and ex convict members who still got themselves girlfriends. So that's the last thing to worry about. Once you've got yourself back in shape it will happen.

 

[ubercat]

I also second not going to the massage parlor. The last thing you need is sex from a girl who despises her clients. How about instead you pick up a second hand punching bag on eBay with that money. Plenty of YouTube videos teaching basic boxing. Learn the punches, learn the footwork then add kicks. Not as good as joining a martial arts club because it doesn't have the social element. However a great addition to your workouts.

 

[jimjam]

I don't mean to pry, but what caused your situation? How did everything suddenly fall apart?

Not being funny, but you could say it's been happening for 30 years.

Specifically, you could start with my first marriage. My alcoholism led to a divorce. I got sober and realized I was given a second chance on life. I went at it full bore. Did everything right this time. Met a great girl. She got pregnant and dumped me. That started everything back in 2008. Then I lost a job of 13 years. Had to move away for work. Was making ****. Was lucky to move back closer to my son. Had a great job making decent money. Things were looking good. Then I got laid off in 2014. Been in the **** ever since. I love my son but I can't get excited about myself or anything I once enjoyed. Things keep falling and I really don't care. Almost a feeling of depersonalization. It's like I see this nastiness I'm committing to myself but I don' believe in it.

 

[ubercat]

We need more info on your situation and what is the biggest issue on your mind. Just as you did the last time you were active on sosuave you need to set some priorities and break your goals down into small steps. Which also helps your mental state because everyday when you start thinking negative thoughts you can say no I did ABC today I'm on my way and I'm helping myself.

 

[jimjam]

Hey jimjam,

Sorry to hear about your plight.

With regards to the massage parlor being the push you need to get rolling with women again......I would caution against it. You've got an addiction and you appear on a downward spiral. Though you say you're not abusing the pills as much, you were addicted and are still abusing. The massage parlor ****e could end up spiraling into another addiction.......you do it once.....it was ok, but maybe it will be better the second time..........then the second time it's ok................maybe one more time before you take the plunge and start talking to women in the real world.......you'll also have a limit time ......you get your hit it's over....you have to leave....the only way is to pay again. With what cash. I think it would be another bad choice leading to possible another bad habit.......

Deal with one thing at a time. With the correct habits performed on a daily basis there's a lot you could achieve in a year or two.....

Deal with the addiction and get your health in order. It should be your first priority

Get some reading material specifically about people who have overcome really difficult circumstances (man's search for meaning perhaps)

Can you take up a martial art like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? So many people take it up later in life and it can be a life changer for your health, self esteem, meeting people......

You've got a job........look for a better one.......

Never mind massage parlors.........get out and start socializing/talking to people.......

Thanks for the advice. You're right about the pills. Part of me wants to stop, but there's another part. I know everything is up to me but I can't seem to muster the fortitude to exact any change.

And the massage parlor? Of course it may lead to another addiction I can't control. I feel like it .won't matter one way or another.

That first video really poke to me

 

[jimjam]

We need more info on your situation and what is the biggest issue on your mind. Just as you did the last time you were active on sosuave you need to set some priorities and break your goals down into small steps. Which also helps your mental state because everyday when you start thinking negative thoughts you can say no I did ABC today I'm on my way and I'm helping myself.

That's just it. Everything fell apart and I can't account for the way I think. No goals, no interests. Feel like my whole life has been a lie. I should slap myself, I know. Ha!

 

[ubercat]

There's other guys here who are much stronger on the Psychological side. I don't wish to give offence however I am an analyst by trade so it's my nature to look for patterns and root cause. It seems like the commonality in all your issues has been a failure of relationships. Is that possible in your mind?

 

[jimjam]

I also second not going to the massage parlor. The last thing you need is sex from a girl who despises her clients. How about instead you pick up a second hand punching bag on eBay with that money. Plenty of YouTube videos teaching basic boxing. Learn the punches, learn the footwork then add kicks. Not as good as joining a martial arts club because it doesn't have the social element. However a great addition to your workouts.

Now that's an idea! I've got plenty of rage.

 

[ubercat]

Mate to be honest I think this is a bit beyond us. It sounds like your first step has to be to get professional help in beating the drug addiction. All our advice is going to be predicated on the assumption that you are motivated to change. If the pills are blocking your motivation then we can't help.

 

[ubercat]

Great. Then this weekend s goal is to buy the bag and get it setup. Harness that rage. At least you re feeling something.

 

[jimjam]

There's other guys here who are much stronger on the Psychological side. I don't wish to give offence however I am an analyst by trade so it's my nature to look for patterns and root cause. It seems like the commonality in all your issues has been a failure of relationships. Is that possible in your mind?

I've often thought of that. I've looked back at all of my serious relationships and it seems to me that in all of them I've been looking for something that I was never given as a child. Don't want to get into too much specifics. I thought I finally found it with my son's mother. She dumped me and I haven't been right since. Trust issues, negativity, etc...

 

[ubercat]

Relationships can be done by simply learning the right positive patterns to establish and maintain them. You could say paint by numbers approach or fake it until you make it.

A lot of guys in your situation make the mistake of thinking I don't have anything to offer people because I don't have money I'm old I'm ugly blah blah. That is stupid thinking.

You can always offer people your positive attitude and your interest in their life. You can start today talk to people at work talk to people at the bus stop talk to the neighbour. Find out something about their life. I would strongly suggest you carry a 50 Cent notebook around with you. Everytime you have a chat for somebody and learn something like the name of their kid or their favourite hobby write it down. When you see them again ask them how is Sally going at school, how's your golf going?

 

[ubercat]

Bro more than enough input here now for you to start doing something. How about you start up a journal thread and start recording those goals you're kicking no matter how small. One of the guys here has on his tagline... the most important step is the next step. we get a lot of posters here who get all this good advice and we never hear from them again. I suspect they failed at the first step. How about you challenge yourself to be better than those little b1tches.

 

[Reykhel]

I've often thought of that. I've looked back at all of my serious relationships and it seems to me that in all of them I've been looking for something that I was never given as a child. Don't want to get into too much specifics. I thought I finally found it with my son's mother. She dumped me and I haven't been right since. Trust issues, negativity, etc...

Absent father?

 

[jimjam]

Bro more than enough input here now for you to start doing something. How about you start up a journal thread and start recording those goals you're kicking no matter how small. One of the guys here has on his tagline... the most important step is the next step. we get a lot of posters here who get all this good advice and we never hear from them again. I suspect they failed at the first step. How about you challenge yourself to be better than those little b1tches.

How do I start that on the site? Not trying to sound like a b!tch, everything is a jumble. A big pile of sh!t at my feet. The big things seem so insurmountable that I can't see the little steps to take. Ha! Forest for the trees! No wonder I like downers

 

[jimjam]

Absent father?

Negative. I'm not prepared to get into those specifics right now

 

[ubercat]

So the first goal was get the punching bag set up this weekend. To be honest it doesn't matter what you start with the most important thing is to start. So.... we're starting with health and fitness. Therefore start a new thread in health and fitness. Google a few different bags on eBay post the links and ask the guys for their opinion. If you use the @ sign in front of a members username they will get a notification. Most of the regular posters here genuinely enjoy helping out fellow members and will kick in if u ask. E.g. @dustmuffin has had some dark times he came through and is a kick-ass DJ now so he would be good on the mental side..