Really Mystified by this one

[hobbes]

Hey DJs, long time lurker here. I have a problem understanding a woman I have been seeing and what is going on with a woman I have been seeing.
We are both in our 30s, if that matters

A few months ago I started with a girl I was interested in. From the beginning she mentioned that she was not ready for a relationship and was scared of me because she really really like me. Over the next few months I kept that in mind and as we grew closer. SO I went by her behavior.. I made sure to call less often than her and to let her set the pace so to speak. But she called alot, wanted to get together all the time.. and as time passed started behaving in very girlfriend ways.

I figured, by her behavior that things had moved on from her previous position- she could not stop saying how much she admired, liked and cared about me. she reached out all the time. Then a month ago we were talking and she mentions that she was upset with herself for not dating the way originally intended to, and that she was basically now in a relationship. I asked her if she wanted to break up, or how she wanted to go about it, as i am not here to force her into anything. We talke and she said that she could not see how we could date others and stay together, and that was the end of the convo...

Again, last week, the subject came up again. This time I broke up with her.
i told her that the last thing I wanted was to have her regretting not dating, and that i am not the type to want to force anyone into anything. She was obviously shocked and very very hurt. she cried and cried and asked me to stay anyway.. even asking me to have sex without a condom which I stupidly did. the next day she calle dna d wanted me to come over because she felt so hurt. by this point i was hurting as well. i figured we were done, and she was the one telling me she hadnt lost hope etc etc..

so we've kind of fallen back into the same old rythm of me and her hanging out and having sex.. and last night she brings us up again. I ask her if her position has changed, she says no, but doesnt want to lose me. so we are kind of in a open dating situation at the moment. i figure, wth, she is now a plate, i get to have sex with her and other women as well..

my question is, i can understand ljbf, or rejection, or better dealing... but this situation is weird to me. she wants to have sex, be more than friends, and just wants to date, but not have sex with anyone or find a relationship with these guys... all the while wanting to be dating and having sex with me.

is it that she just wants attention? i know she has very low self esteem, or what? Its not like she doesnt want me, gets wet and screws my brains out. I know exactly how to turn her on and work her.

whats going on here? and did i play this right? I'll be honest, i have lost a bit of respect here, so i dont think we'll ever be a ltr, even if she begged at this point. its kind of sad to see a grown woman with such low self esteem, acting like shes a 20 yr old. We both know i'm as good as she's ever going to get. I actually liked her because she had good mother/wife qualities. otherwise i usually date much hotter and younger women- and she knows it.

Just when i thought i had seen it all..

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Sooooo... let me get this straight:

The girl says she likes you but is scared of dating. Then you both go out and she does and says all this stuff that gives the impression that you two are dating. Then, she tells you she feels like you two are in a relationship... and rather than shutting up at that point and letting her stew in her own thoughts, you bring up the idea of breaking up, which she doesn't actually say "no" to... and then when the subject gets brought up again (by whom you don't say), you break up with her because you feel like you're forcing her to date you, despite evidence to the contrary.

*Bangs head against computer screen*

Look, man, you gotta stop watching TV shows or listening to boy band love songs. You're the GUY, man - you don't have to have all these talks where you're trying to figure out "what ARE we?"

Are you aware that most women verbally say they want one thing while physically or emotionally doing another? She said she wasn't ready for a relationship (words), yet was making calls to you, reaching out to you, and letting you know how much you meant to her (actions).

The point is, even if you hadn't said out-loud that you two were bf/gf, the fact that she was having so much fun with you - heck, even having SEX with you AND saying she felt like she was already in a relationship - meant she was convincing herself to give you a shot. All you had to do was keep showing her a good time, having sex with her, and not coming off as an emotional guy who needs to know what you two are right now. She doesn't even have any other prospects, so what are you worried about?!?

Anyway... as of right now, she's just a plate. If you want her, she should be aware that you do have other outside parties interested in you, and that she could, in fact, lose you if something more serious comes along. This doesn't mean you have to push in her face the other women you're dating, but doing things like being less available and/or vague with why you can't see her as much (i.e. "I have a dinner I'm going to later," or "I got invited out someplace tonight so I can't see you") will make her wonder who else is taking up your time. If she wants you, you should see her start to become more proactive in the whole "relationship" thing; if not, you'll find another chick that wants you in that way. It's a win-win!

 

[hobbes]

thanks for the advice.

for the record she brought it up every time, I was just getting tired of it. we're in out mid 30s man, not some children.

you are right though, i do think a part of her just wanted reassurance that it was all going to be ok, and as far as that goes, I f'd up and i will admit it. But it gets so tiring, that i just said **** it. regretted my approach right after... whatever, i f'd up.

I think your advice is solid. The fact is i'll actually really date, so that i am not lying about it when it i say i am busy. but i really like her and she really is a woman who has had very few men in her past, and great qualities, so if i could somehow save this, i would really like to.

Rigth now i am just feeling like its screwed beyond all recognition. And honestly, i am a bit hurt, as i really like her.

any other ideas on fixing this clusterf--k?

 

[yuppaz]

SHE wants to be exclusive. If you don't, your honest about that and she is ok with it, then good. If you don't like the idea of leading her on or wasting her or your time then you should break up with her....

 

[hobbes]

you do realize that the situation is the opposite as you describe.