Re-establish contact after NC...for her sake?

[foolyoufool]

Hey guys, my main question is, should I end no contact and start talking to my ex again, because she is physically and emotionally a mess after our break up?

We broke up around 2 months ago, and for the last half of our relationship she was battling an eating disorder and became extremely skinny. I hadn't seen her in a while, despite her attempts to insert herself in my life, and I just saw her again the other day.

WOW is she skinny.


I can tell she is just not doing well and taking the break up very hard. She also transferred to my school this semester, AFTER I had broken up with her, and I've heard from two people that she transferred "for me."

We were together for one year and two months, we had a great relationship, and I find it hard to see someone I used to care about so much in such pain, because of me.

I don't want to start seeing her romantically again, I want to move on and find some one better, but I can't help feeling that I should at least end this no contact so she can maybe gain some closure.

So what do you think? Should I start talking to her again?

 

[Iceberg]

It's a breakup, dude. Of a 1-year relationship. It's not that big of a deal. I'm sorry...it just isn't.

Before she's done with life, she'll have breakups of 3 years...one night stands...and maybe a divorce or two.

My point is - she'll get through it. Right now, focus on your own healing and don't re-introduce that drama and negative energy into your life. Right now you're saying that you dont want to start seeing her romantically again...but 2 months from now you'll be back here talking about how you started dating again.

Let her friends and family take care of her. I can guarantee you that a breakup isn't the source of her problems. She has other issues.

 

[betheman]

she has an eating disorder, its a mental illness and a b!tch of a one at that.

you contacting her will not cure or solve..or maybe even help with that. she needs professional help, the reasons for the ED are deep and have ben there long before you were on the scene.
ED's are very long term, people with ED's can be extremely manipulative and deceitful. you want some of that?
ask yourself this, do you consider yourself to be a 'fixer'? if I do X, Y .Z she will be better? you maybe a co dependant, thats not a healthy place to be.
if you want to have your eyes open, have a look round this site... http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/

 

[foolyoufool]

All right, you guys basically affirmed what I was thinking. Despite my vague sense of guilt, no contact is still the best way to go.

This is sort of complicated by the fact that she goes to my school now and has started befriending my friends... She's vigorously trying to insert herself back into my life. In one instance she came into my apartment with my roommate (who she befriended) and I essentially kicked her out.

Do you guys have any tips on how to keep her out of my life, when she's trying so hard to reconnect?

 

[pinkfl]

She needs to go to the school, see a counselor, and start getting help with her health issues. The best thing you can say to her is "It would not be healthy for me to involve myself with someone that is purposely damaging their own health" and leave it at that. If she pushes the matter, just say that you cannot handle the stress of her disorder and she needs to put it in check if she wants to be friends with you.

You cannot make her take care of herself, that has to come from within. However, if you tell her that you won't talk to her if she's going to hurt herself, that might help motivate her to get the help she needs. And then you get the added bonus of getting her out of your life for the time being.

 

[foolyoufool]

She needs to go to the school, see a counselor, and start getting help with her health issues. The best thing you can say to her is "It would not be healthy for me to involve myself with someone that is purposely damaging their own health" and leave it at that. If she pushes the matter, just say that you cannot handle the stress of her disorder and she needs to put it in check if she wants to be friends with you.

You cannot make her take care of herself, that has to come from within. However, if you tell her that you won't talk to her if she's going to hurt herself, that might help motivate her to get the help she needs. And then you get the added bonus of getting her out of your life for the time being.

Thanks man, that makes a lot of sense. This is the way i'm going to go.

 

[Iceberg]

Thanks man, that makes a lot of sense. This is the way i'm going to go.

I was worried that this was the kind of advice you were looking for because it's advice that encourages you to speak with her again. Which is what I think you want to do.

Hey, you're a grown man and you can do whatever the hell you want. But realistically, you're not going to save this girl. She's going help herself on her own schedule regardless of what you say.

So, logically, if she's hurting herself, she's going to continue to do that whether you swoop in like a White Knight or not. You are not a factor in her issues. So again...logically...I can't see this benefiting her. And I can't see it benefiting you. Because she's gonna heal in her own time. And by contacting her, you're just re-introducing her drama into your life. You're kidding yourself if you think it's going to be one last conversation for "closure."

I also think you're overestimating the power of a breakup. If this girl has issues, they likely go WAY beyond your failed relationship.

 

[foolyoufool]

I was worried that this was the kind of advice you were looking for because it's advice that encourages you to speak with her again. Which is what I think you want to do.

Hey, you're a grown man and you can do whatever the hell you want. But realistically, you're not going to save this girl. She's going help herself on her own schedule regardless of what you say.

So, logically, if she's hurting herself, she's going to continue to do that whether you swoop in like a White Knight or not. You are not a factor in her issues. So again...logically...I can't see this benefiting her. And I can't see it benefiting you. Because she's gonna heal in her own time. And by contacting her, you're just re-introducing her drama into your life. You're kidding yourself if you think it's going to be one last conversation for "closure."

I also think you're overestimating the power of a breakup. If this girl has issues, they likely go WAY beyond your failed relationship.

You bring up some good points, but I think you misunderstand. Sure there is a part of me that wants to talk to her, but I know that part is a wuss and im trying to exterminate it.

That's exactly why I started this thread; I had a feeling re-establishing contact would be a bad idea, and your opinions just solidified my resolve in staying away from her.

I'm going to follow Pinkfl's advice in that if she ever FORCES a situation in which we HAVE TO speak I'll quickly dismiss her with that line about her disorder. Otherwise, I'm going to remain NC for good.

 

[Trump]

I can tell she is just not doing well and taking the break up very hard. She also transferred to my school this semester, AFTER I had broken up with her, and I've heard from two people that she transferred "for me."

We were together for one year and two months, we had a great relationship, and I find it hard to see someone I used to care about so much in such pain, because of me.

I don't want to start seeing her romantically again, I want to move on and find some one better, but I can't help feeling that I should at least end this no contact so she can maybe gain some closure.

So what do you think? Should I start talking to her again?

Come on bro, unless you hear directly from her she needs help, forget it. Don't do it for your ego, assume she's in love with you, or be the white knight.

"Hey Cindy, I know you haven't called me, emailed me or made any attempt to contact me, but I just wanted to make sure your phone was working because I haven't heard from you since our breakup and I am breaking our no contact rule because I think YOU need closure."

Don't listen to other people. They could be using you or testing you to see how you react.

 

[CoolBlue]

It depends. Are you over her? Will you still take her back? Have you moved on?

It's actually no problem if you're over the girl and moved on with your life. You can talk and be friends again if that's workable.

 

[foolyoufool]

It depends. Are you over her? Will you still take her back? Have you moved on?

It's actually no problem if you're over the girl and moved on with your life. You can talk and be friends again if that's workable.

No I would definitely not say I'm not over her...Staying away from her would probably be the best thing because I don't want old emotions flaring up and getting in the way of my recovery.

 

[Aristippus]

Don't try to save her from herself. If she's going to destroy herself, there's nothing you can do about it. So many men feel sorry for women who screw up their own lives or make bad decisions and are now paying the consequences of those bad decisions.

A woman cries and complains about how her ex was such a jerk? Her decision. Now she's dealing with the consequences. The average guy foolishly thinks "But I'm different! I'll save her from those bad men!". The reality is SHE is the problem, and that problem is reflected in the choices she made in the past that LED to the consequences.

The guy who tries to save her makes it all about HIM. How HE'S different. How HE will save her from the "evil", "bad" men out there. Or he makes it about other people or other situations. The woman also tries to paint this false picture of her being the "innocent victim". It was the guy's fault, or the circumstances or insert any other random explanation.

Women very rarely own up to their own mistakes and very rarely admit being wrong. When was the last time you heard a woman say "I was wrong." without being forced to? They very rarely accept responsibility for their own actions and decisions. They are usually very self-righteous and judgemental. They will proclaim their innocence no matter how guilty they are and in self-righteous indignation will judge others harshly.

That is what is really going on beneath the crying and the tears. At some point you probably noticed bad behavior on her part. You gave her the opportunity to change. She didn't and continued the behavior. You finally dumped her because you'd had enough. You couldn't live with it any longer! Now she has to pay the consequences of her own behavior and she also has to get her personal issues straight. Don't let her suck you into a situation where she's the emotional parasite and you're the host!

 

[foolyoufool]

At some point you probably noticed bad behavior on her part. You gave her the opportunity to change. She didn't and continued the behavior. You finally dumped her because you'd had enough. You couldn't live with it any longer! Now she has to pay the consequences of her own behavior and she also has to get her personal issues straight. Don't let her suck you into a situation where she's the emotional parasite and you're the host!

You hit the nail on the head bro, that's exactly what happened. Everything else you said about women being unable to accept responsibility was dead on (in my experience at least) too. Profound stuff.