Re-connection, but she has a boyfriend*Lengthy*

[midnightsun]

At the age of 25, I was entering my final year of college. I changed majors a few times, and transferred to two different universities.

Anyway, my final year of college was the fall 2012/spring 2013 year. In fall of 2012, I had a Chemistry class that was insanely hard and the instructor was one of those ones that really should just hang it up, as he had no clue on how to connect with students.

This class had a lab component. I already had a lab partner, but I found this freshman girl, kind of shy and bookwormish. It was almost as if she didn't realize that she was smoking hot. We hit it off, even though she was 19. Very kind, mature, and fun to talk to. She was also in the lecture part of my chemistry class, and we became "quiz partners" as the weekly quizzes were to be done as a pair.

I was still in my relationship at the time, so I never made a pass or a move on her, but I had a "what if" feeling with this girl, and also thought she was just too young at the time. You could tell she really was into me, which was nice for a change.

Fast forward to last weekend. I had made a Twitter a few weeks back. All of a sudden, I get a message in my inbox. It was from this girl. At first she asked if I was who she thought I was, which I am. We talked for a few messages, and she asked me to get drinks. We exchanged numbers and then texted Sunday and yesterday. She told me how excited she was to see me and that she had always wanted me to ask her out, that she tried finding me online before but never could, and that she always hoped we'd cross paths again.

BUT...


Midway through yesterday, she mentions:

"I just want you to know i am currently in a relationship"

I said, "That's fine, nothing wrong with catching up over drinks though."

To which she said, "Absolutely not! I'm so excited for it! But I wanted to be fair to him and let you know."

I said, "Well that's great! I hope he treats you well."

Her: "He's nice, but we haven't been together very long..."

Me: "Well, good. I'm still excited to see you though."

Her: "You have no idea how excited I am!"


So, I don't get it. Why wait three days to tell me she's in a relationship?

I really didn't think anything of it. She has one more year of school left, and I figured we were grabbing drinks to catch up and maybe see what happens.

But then the boy toy card gets dropped.

Anyone ever have this happen to them? What does it mean?

I'm totally okay if she just wants to catch up and grab a drink when she's home, but you'd think she would have mentioned her boyfriend up front, such as "I'd love to catch up with you, but just know I do have a boyfriend and this can't be anything more than two friends grabbing a drink and catching up."

 

[speed dawg]

You are talking/texting her WAY too much. It's up to her to decide if she wants to be in that relationship, not you.

She contacted you, so obviously she was interested in you, and had low enough IL in him to contact another guy. I think you have probably ruined it be being so available to her.

 

[midnightsun]

Ehh....most of our conversation was catching up. Typical hey how are you things

And yeah, it's totally on her with her boyfriend. I'll get drinks with her, but I'm not coming in between another relationship romantically. She can contact me to let me know when she's home next and if she wants to go out. If she was pulling my chain, so be it.

I was just curious as to why some girl would wait a few days to mention that she had a boyfriend.

 

[RangerMIke]

So, I don't get it. Why wait three days to tell me she's in a relationship?

This is way women are. It's all about the moment. One day she might be thinking "OMG, I can't believe I ran into my ex, he looks great why did we break up?"

The next day: "Oh I have a boyfriend, who I REALLY like...

Men don't operate this way so it's difficult to REALLY understand. Thier attraction is directly tied to the emotion they are feeling AT THAT MOMENT.

Men don't change that much because our our attraction is tied to our emotions. To women it's the exact opposite, emotion is tied to attraction. And it can be positive or negative emotion.

This is why when you get a sence that a woman is attracted to you you have to make your move and get her invested. When you do too much texting and talking on the phone, you ruin the moment. The 'moment' she say you her attraction went up... you should have made a date, and then not contact her until the date. That way you go from moment to moment... texting and talking too much over the phone causes you to lose the impact of the 'moment'. Dates, should be a series of emotional events.

Anyone ever have this happen to them? What does it mean?

A better question would be has this NOT happened to any of us. It happens all the freaking time... even when you are doing everything right. You can not contol it, just minimize the impact by not being in communication with them too much during attraction.

 

[speed dawg]

This is way women with low IL are.

Fixed that for you.

The big picture is that he has lost a little frame by chatting with this broad so much. If a woman is into you, she does not chance it by bringing up stuff about exes. They only do that when they are bored.

 

[Yewki]

So, I don't get it. Why wait three days to tell me she's in a relationship?

I'm guessing she only messaged you because she wasn't happy with her BF at the time, and then a few days later things went back to normal. So she felt bad and had to send the obligatory "I have a BF and want to be fair to him." Also, if you were too available (over texting?) that may have served as a catalyst to this.

 

[nemz]

She's got a boyfriend, act like a man and tell her to get in touch when she's single. Not only do you come across as someone with substance, she'll want you a lot more than some horny AFC.

Now start looking for other women, because you're already obsessed with this one, not the best approach fella...

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Midnight,
You are intellectuallising way too much....The Golden Rule of being a DJ,is ignore what they say but observe what they do...just go with the flow...my gut feeling is that she is ripe for plucking!

 

[Desdinova]

Dear Midnight,
You are intellectuallising way too much....The Golden Rule of being a DJ,is ignore what they say but observe what they do...just go with the flow...my gut feeling is that she is ripe for plucking!

I agree with Scara.

She's attracted to you, and has been for quite some time. The best thing you can do is NOT let her relationship get in the way of you raising her IL. Take her out, have a good time with her, make her laugh. Then part ways as if you could care less if you ever see her again. DO NOT say "we should do this again". Say "Well, this was fun, but I have to be up early tomorrow. Take care!" To keep a woman, you have to risk losing her.

If SHE happens to be the one saying "we should do this again", then tell her to message YOU. You're not the one in the relationship, so it's all on HER to do the work here.

 

[midnightsun]

I really don't know why everyone assumes I'm obsessing over her. I was just curious as to why she might do this.

I'm new to talking to women after eight years, so most of my questions are going to be things out of curiosity.

I didn't text her at all yesterday. I figured she can contact me if she wants to grab a drink.

Instead, she sends me a good morning text.

I truly don't mind grabbing a drink with her. It can be something simple that just leads to a "Have a great day" and a friendly hug. Or, when she's single, she can contact me about that, too.

 

[Desdinova]

Instead, she sends me a good morning text.

She's most certainly attracted and is probably considering branch swinging. Again, if you'd like to have her in the future, work at raising her interest, but don't see her as your main option. Spin other plates.

 

[Yewki]

I really don't know why everyone assumes I'm obsessing over her.

Maybe not necessarily "obsessed" but definitely over invested. Let's be real, if this was a girl you didn't want to have sex with but she said the exact same thing including the part about the BF, this thread wouldn't exist and you'd probably give 0 f*cks. Instead, your hampster is spinning wildly and you're over analyzing everything... including making a lengthy, detailed post on the internet about it.

 

[VladPatton]

I wouldn't bother. On this site we mention that it's a red flag when your girl chills with another dude. Well now, YOU"RE the other dude. I also don't buy that men and women can be friends. Someone always wants to bang the other, usually the guy. Ok, you had a drink, she's with a guy, time to move on, no use living in the past.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I knew this girl once. One day she suggested we get together for drinks, with a bunch of friends.

She was VERY clear about NOT wanting a boyfriend.

We ended up dating for over two years.

Scara's right. This girl WANTS YOU to seduce her. She threw out the "boyfriend line" as a pre-frame against guilt, AND to "prove" that she's not throwing herself at you.

She doesn't want to throw herself at you. She wants you to seduce her, and bang her silly.

Most girls want to get seduced and banged. However, most girls will do anything to avoid the "slut" label.

They'll say stuff so it looks, on paper, that they are good girls.

But the ONLY TIME they say things like this is when they are thinking sexual thoughts ABOUT THE GUY THEY ARE SAYING THEM TO.

(Which, in this, is you, btw).

Now, whether or not you follow up, or what happens next is a different discussion altogether.

But THAT'S why she said these things.

 

[sodbuster]

They all want to be able to tell their girlfriends {or themselves} "I don't know.... it just happened"... "I told him I had a boyfriend, but we met for drinks and he invited me back to his house to see his pet rock collection and... it just happened"

You just have to give her plausibile {sp} deniability.