Quick question...what would you do?

[bish0p]

This is a silly question and normally, something like this wouldn't bother me, but after having come here and being on this site since October of last year (due to my ex rejecting me for another guy), I've become a bit more paranoid of women.

Anyways, my current girlfriend came up to my company office earlier today while I was off. She used to work with me which is how we met, but quit and started working for another company which is in the same field. Her company has a few ties to mine as well. Furthermore, my girlfriend knows the managers and supervisors due to her previous job with me.

Before she left this morning, she told me that her boss wanted them to go to my company today to do a tour of one of our programs. Well, she called me while I was driving and told me that my manager, who works at the office (I don't) had pinned her against the wall playfully. Apparently, she was standing behind him while he was talking to her boss and leaned back against her intentionally. This is normal behavior for him...I guess you would say he's an alpha male, mostly due to his size (very big guy).

Now, my manager knows that she is my girlfriend, due to nosy co-workers who saw us together. Furthermore, he messes with everyone...especially women. He tries to mess with me as well, but I really don't care for him so I keep my laughing (about his jokes) to a minimum due to seniority.

So, she said that he is such a jerk, but I asked her if she laughed and she said yeah. I told her that this wasn't cool and that if she doesn't like something, then she shouldn't encourage it.

I understand the intimidation factor (his size, she's small...he was her boss once and is still mine) and that my girl is insecure, and hopefully she was trying to make light of this situation...but, you never can be too sure.

Anyways, how would you approach this? Am I being too paranoid?

 

[squirrels]

If you have an attractive girlfriend, you should expect that other guys are going to flirt and "test" her.

In a professional environment, it's inappropriate. But she needs to decide how inappropriate and take the appropriate action herself. Something mild like that, she may just want to let go and stay out of reach of this guy from now on. It's hard to tell what's "in fun" and what's "for reals" and that's why most of this stuff is considered unprofessional. But that's largely a judgement call.

Now if he had "pinned her against the wall" in a "I want you" type of way, that may be worthy of a complaint to HR/senior management...especially since she's representing a business partnership. It probably would result in a reprimand at least.

The fact that you are her boyfriend really doesn't play into this at all, as it is a professional matter and should be handled as such.

Now if he starts bothering her OUTSIDE of the office-environment, it may require a reaction from you.

At this point, it's enough that she knows you don't want her reciprocating or encouraging him. I wouldn't press the issue unless it happens again.

 

[maqnetik]

Well, she called me while I was driving and told me that my manager, who works at the office (I don't) had pinned her against the wall playfully. Apparently, she was standing behind him while he was talking to her boss and leaned back against her intentionally. This is normal behavior for him...

no, youre NOT paranoid, thats RIDICULOUS. hes a bully:

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/amibeing.htm

 

[bish0p]

If you have an attractive girlfriend, you should expect that other guys are going to flirt and "test" her.

In a professional environment, it's inappropriate. But she needs to decide how inappropriate and take the appropriate action herself. Something mild like that, she may just want to let go and stay out of reach of this guy from now on. It's hard to tell what's "in fun" and what's "for reals" and that's why most of this stuff is considered unprofessional. But that's largely a judgement call.

Now if he had "pinned her against the wall" in a "I want you" type of way, that may be worthy of a complaint to HR/senior management...especially since she's representing a business partnership. It probably would result in a reprimand at least.

The fact that you are her boyfriend really doesn't play into this at all, as it is a professional matter and should be handled as such.

Now if he starts bothering her OUTSIDE of the office-environment, it may require a reaction from you.

At this point, it's enough that she knows you don't want her reciprocating or encouraging him. I wouldn't press the issue unless it happens again.

Thanks for the feedback, man. I will let it go for now, but if it happens again and she responds the same way, then I will just walk away from the relationship.

no, youre NOT paranoid, thats RIDICULOUS. hes a bully:

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/amibeing.htm

Yeah, he is which is why it sucks that he's my supervisor. I knew from day one that he would pose a problem for me. However, I can do nothing about him if I want to keep my job and I do at this point...so I'm more concerned about her response and whether it was just her insecurity as well as context of the situation to cause her to act as such and not stand up for herself.

 

[maqnetik]

Yeah, he is which is why it sucks that he's my supervisor. I knew from day one that he would pose a problem for me. However, I can do nothing about him if I want to keep my job and I do at this point...so I'm more concerned about her response and whether it was just her insecurity as well as context of the situation to cause her to act as such and not stand up for herself.

personally i would start looking for another job if you cant get this resolved. this guys going to keep trying to punk you over and over again because youre a THREAT. this sort of thing NEVER gets better, only WORSE. now that hes gotten away with it things are only going to ESCALATE. in the meantime educate yourself on some self-defense strategies to make your life less degrading/miserable:

http://www.mit.edu/~rei/spir-aikido.html

http://www.aikido-health.com/aikido-strategy.html

http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cg/Courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

http://www.artofwar.net/japan/ideas.htm

http://www.pipeline.com/~tkd-pix/36_strat.htm

 

[Mr.Positive]

Yeah, he is which is why it sucks that he's my supervisor. I knew from day one that he would pose a problem for me. However, I can do nothing about him if I want to keep my job and I do at this point...so I'm more concerned about her response and whether it was just her insecurity as well as context of the situation to cause her to act as such and not stand up for herself.

Since she doesn't report to him, or even work for the company...the balls in her court to handle this.

Sounds like your boss may just lack the ability to respect boundaries, with everyone. His intentions may just be light-hearted, and not in a way that causes problems with your gal.

However, she should not encourage it, or it's get worse most likely. She needs to know that.

 

[maqnetik]

Some great advice in this thread, not much point in me adding my weight to their's but I'll try anyways.

If that happened to me, I would ask my girl how she would take it if a woman pinned me against a wall. Knowing what her response would be, I would then tell my girl what my expectations are of her in this sort of situation.

In this particular case, my expectations of her would be to politely tell the guy in question to keep their work professional and that she finds his behavior disrespectful to her boyfriend.

Now the downside of this is that we do not know the full context of the situation and we do not know how she will respond to this type of request from her boyfriend. She may say ok, then turn around never mention his repeated offenses again. This is why telling a woman your expectations is only part of the equation. The other part is being masculine enough that she really DOES want the guy to stop touching or flirting with her.

alot of times women tell us things like this to see how we handle it. shes expecting you to either TAKE CARE IF IT yourself or INSTRUCT her on how YOU WANT her to handle it.

 

[bish0p]

Thanks for the websites, magnetik. I've been looking for a new job for a while now, but so far it's been a no-go. I'm in a supervisory position as well, but I haven't even been in the position for a year. I'm pretty sure I'll have a better chance of getting a better job once I have at least a years experience...although 3 years is much better.

Some great advice in this thread, not much point in me adding my weight to their's but I'll try anyways.

If that happened to me, I would ask my girl how she would take it if a woman pinned me against a wall. Knowing what her response would be, I would then tell my girl what my expectations are of her in this sort of situation.

In this particular case, my expectations of her would be to politely tell the guy in question to keep their work professional and that she finds his behavior disrespectful to her boyfriend.

Now the downside of this is that we do not know the full context of the situation and we do not know how she will respond to this type of request from her boyfriend. She may say ok, then turn around never mention his repeated offenses again. This is why telling a woman your expectations is only part of the equation. The other part is being masculine enough that she really DOES want the guy to stop touching or flirting with her.

I've thought about asking her that question as well, but I was side tracked when talking to her. I did lay out my expectations for her in this situation and I also asked her what she could do to prevent this if it ever happened again. Right now, she is really into me so she's respectful of my wishes (re: very agreeable). But, I don't know if she's just saying yes or if she really means it. Either way, only time will tell.

I wish I could have prepared for this situation earlier, but, life loves to throw curve balls at you and it seems impossible to cover every situation and a situation like this was the last thing on my mind.

Although I wouldn't put cheating past my girl, or any woman for that matter, everything is good between us and there are no red flags in her behavior, at least none that I have noticed.

 

[maqnetik]

Thanks for the websites, magnetik. I've been looking for a new job for a while now, but so far it's been a no-go. I'm in a supervisory position as well, but I haven't even been in the position for a year. I'm pretty sure I'll have a better chance of getting a better job once I have at least a years experience...although 3 years is much better.



I've thought about asking her that question as well, but I was side tracked when talking to her. I did lay out my expectations for her in this situation and I also asked her what she could do to prevent this if it ever happened again. Right now, she is really into me so she's respectful of my wishes (re: very agreeable). But, I don't know if she's just saying yes or if she really means it. Either way, only time will tell.

I wish I could have prepared for this situation earlier, but, life loves to throw curve balls at you and it seems impossible to cover every situation and a situation like this was the last thing on my mind.

Although I wouldn't put cheating past my girl, or any woman for that matter, everything is good between us and there are no red flags in her behavior, at least none that I have noticed.

just keep in mind that once something actually becomes a BIG PROBLEM its usually too late

 

[Trader]

Thanks for the feedback, man. I will let it go for now, but if it happens again and she responds the same way, then I will just walk away from the relationship.

Wrong answer

alot of times women tell us things like this to see how we handle it. shes expecting you to either TAKE CARE IF IT yourself or INSTRUCT her on how YOU WANT her to handle it.

This

Yeah, he is which is why it sucks that he's my supervisor. I knew from day one that he would pose a problem for me. However, I can do nothing about him if I want to keep my job and I do at this point...so I'm more concerned about her response and whether it was just her insecurity as well as context of the situation to cause her to act as such and not stand up for herself.

Can you not see that is a veiled test from your girl? She wants to see if you have the balls to confront your boss and possibly risk losing your job in the process.

Just out of curiosity, is she HB8+?

 

[bish0p]

Can you not see that is a veiled test from your girl? She wants to see if you have the balls to confront your boss and possibly risk losing your job in the process.

I've thought about this as well. To me, it's the same as going to the club and some guy coming to talk to the girl I'm with. Do I show my ass or do I go do something else (ie..flirt with other women)?

I KNOW that I have the balls to do confront my boss...it's irrelevant what she thinks. The question for me is, is she worth the risk of losing my job?

Unfortunately, no woman is, except my wife, that is if I choose to get married. My girlfriend and I have only been together for 6 months and I'm still in the screening process.

 

[Trader]

I KNOW that I have the balls to do confront my boss...it's irrelevant what she thinks. The question for me is, is she worth the risk of losing my job?

Evidently, you don't have the balls to confront your boss, because you are not willing to shoulder the risk of losing your job which *comes with the territory.*

There's nothing wrong with being afraid of possibly losing your job, 99% of the guys out there wouldn't be able to do it either, it is what it is.

Unfortunately, no woman is, except my wife, that is if I choose to get married. My girlfriend and I have only been together for 6 months and I'm still in the screening process.

Then expect a gradual erosion of your frame.

But I expect that after 6 months, you should have a pretty good of idea of whether she is *wife* material. The red flags should have popped up by then if you are observant.

 

[bish0p]

Evidently, you don't have the balls to confront your boss, because you are not willing to shoulder the risk of losing your job which *comes with the territory.*

There's nothing wrong with being afraid of possibly losing your job, 99% of the guys out there wouldn't be able to do it either, it is what it is.



Then expect a gradual erosion of your frame.

But I expect that after 6 months, you should have a pretty good of idea of whether she is *wife* material. The red flags should have popped up by then if you are observant.

Well, Trader...there's no point in responding to you any further because you stll have a lot to learn. In this aspect of life.

 

[Trader]

Well, Trader...there's no point in responding to you any further because you stll have a lot to learn. In this aspect of life.

This is the bottom line, you don't *have* to confront your boss. And given the fact that your job could be put in jeopardy, you are perfectly justified in NOT confronting him.

But make no mistake, by letting this slide, a little piece of you has died today.

In order to live, you must be willing to die

What's interesting is, I think it's a good thing that girls test us like this. I love situations like these, now a girl can see very clearly if her boyfriend is a man, or a boy. You cannot hide anymore, you are stripped naked for her and everyone to see.

 

[bish0p]

This is the bottom line, you don't *have* to confront your boss. And given the fact that your job could be put in jeopardy, you are perfectly justified in NOT confronting him.

But make no mistake, by letting this slide, a little piece of you has died today.

In order to live, you must be willing to die

After my last response to you I thought about it and I have to confront him. Fvck it.

 

[jafyk]

Don't you guys think that if you are always looking for red flags you will find one? I really want to know what you guys think from the POV that this is a sht test to see if he will confront his boss. I mean is this a test worth taking. For most of you guys who have your game down. I feel it would be easier to get a new girl than a new job. This reply I'm making feels like a de ja vu, lol. weird.

 

[bish0p]

I feel it would be easier to get a new girl than a new job. This reply I'm making feels like a de ja vu, lol. weird.

This is what's throwing me off; but, I do see where Trader is coming from...I really do.

On the other hand, I can see me confronting my boss, losing my job and then 4 months (or however long) from now, breaking up with her and being jobless.

Yeah, I kept my pride and principles intact, but then I'm living back at home with the folks and in debt with college loans and a consolidated loan that I can't pay because I don't have steady income (Trader, this is the reasoning behind my response to you...you don't fully understand my living situation right now).

These are the variables that I am dealing with.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.

 

[jafyk]

Anyway, I think the best response to this post came from the first guy who responded. If it's that much of a problem then your girl should handle it as a sexual harrasment (although, the guy might have been actually playing) You know after being on this site for a while it sort of starts to turn me off towards women (not sexually) but because it's like once a woman gets into a relationship she doesn't have an individual mind to think for herself and make decisions (that she would be able to make if she was single. Now it's the man's job to make them all for her. After a while she then complains about how said man is controlling) Is this an American thing or what?

 

[bish0p]

Well, case closed. My boss approached me regarding the situation and sincerely apologized before I had a chance to go to him first.

In a way, it's kinda disappointing because between dealing with my own principles and Trader punking me out, I didn't get a chance to take the risk like I wanted to. I could have called him, but that would have been too informal in my opinion and face to face is the best when handling conflict.

I spent so much time figuring out how I was going to approach the situation with a calm and collected head, all the while hyping myself up to be fired as well. So, this was definitely a new experience for me as I've never been "AMOG'd" by another guy. The guy being my manager complicated the situation even more.

Anyways, lesson learned. Thanks for the advice, guys.

 

[Trader]

Well, case closed. My boss approached me regarding the situation and sincerely apologized before I had a chance to go to him first.

Don't be fooled - your boss apologized not out of repentance but out of expediency.

Your girl could have easily filed a sexual harrassment lawsuit against him, and he would be toast.

I still don't trust the joker.