Questions on getting back with ex.

[JDogg84]

Whats up guys, i have few questions yall may can help me on?

Last month, my ex broke up with me. Well the reason why she broke up with me is because i just messed up mostly. Well beginning of this month we started talking again. Keep in mind i dated this girl for 3 years and we was fixing to get married. This chirstmas actually, Anyway's, here my story.

We started talking again in april. Well i took her out on saturday night and seem like things was going pretty good. The night before we got hooked up and we started making out and things got out of hand. Well anyways back to the date. Me and my girlfriend went out of town to go eat and done some shopping or what not, and on the way home i asked her what are we now and we only been talking again for three wks. She got pretty pissed and said i think you don't need to pressure me and i think that i dont want to be lable right now and that i think we should just take things slow and see how they pan out? well i told her that i dont want to be led on, and she said "well if you think i am going to lead you on then we shouldn't do this". Seem like to me that everytime i ask her if were going to get back together she said i don't know. i very confused because yesterday after church she kissed me all day long and stuff like that. Like it use too be, but then its like if you dont pressure me i well see were this leads us. but i dont think she wants to get back with me. what you guys think. What should i do? should i quit calling her and doing stuff for her or am i heading in the right direction?

Sincerely,

Jdogg84

 

[speedo_meme]

It's funny because sometimes girls can lead you in the right direction. H*ll, listen to her...she's straight up telling you to take it slow and quit pressuring her. Do that. Quit being so damm needy. Build that attraction back up.

 

[JDogg84]

Thanks Speedo, just the right thing i need to hear bro.

 

[flexion_]

This is a great example why you should let the women lead the direction of the relationship status. You assume its open unless otherwise brought up by her. Never bring it up again unless she does - ok?

Your status is "open" - no need to ask. She'll bring it up if she wants more.

 

[JDogg84]

Thanks Guys, This really helps me out alot! I think things are going in the right direction.

 

[Obsidian]

This is a great example why you should let the women lead the direction of the relationship status. You assume its open unless otherwise brought up by her. Never bring it up again unless she does - ok?

Your status is "open" - no need to ask. She'll bring it up if she wants more.

Bravo, wisely put.

 

[SeldomSeen]

Re:

give it time, lots of time. Dont ASK HER where you all stand! Find other things to do that dont revolve around or involve her. She needs time to miss you. Never put your foot on the pedal when you dont know where you're going. If you try and pressure it you'll screw it up! Trust me

 

[penkitten]

she just told you, "i dont want a label."
it means she doesnt want to be a gf right now , she still is open to other possiblities that other prospects could pop up and she might miss the boat.
however by going places with you and kissing you means that she still isnt over you.

thats my two cents and you can take it or leave it.

i hate that feeling you are going thru. if i really want something, i want the other person to make their choice of all or nothing. i hate the middle.

however when i was in her shoes, i hated questions because i had no answers and i was just bidding time . does that make sense to you?

 

[BrotherAP]

The advice you have gotten so far will only get you... so far. The answer here is not to simply bide your time. What then is the answer? I have to get to bed, but I promise I will be back to answer it.

 

[Latinoman]

Dude...the ONLY way I would go back to an ex is IF I was the one that broke with her for the sole purpose to "drive her much more closer" (a trick I learned) to me.

Once is over...well, is over.

 

[Faded Image]

Dude...the ONLY way I would go back to an ex is IF I was the one that broke with her for the sole purpose to "drive her much more closer" (a trick I learned) to me.

Once is over...well, is over.

That's what i've been trying to tell people.

she just told you, "i dont want a label."
it means she doesnt want to be a gf right now , she still is open to other possiblities that other prospects could pop up and she might miss the boat.

This is so true, I've done this to plenty of females which made them even more AFC (Average Frustrated Chicks)

When my options were open, I was seeing mad chicks on the side. I'm not saying she seeing someone else but there is a strong possibility that there could be someone else in the picture besides you playa.

 

[Docs]

petkitten
it means she doesnt want to be a gf right now , she still is open to other possiblities that other prospects could pop up and she might miss the boat.

however by going places with you and kissing you means that she still isnt over you.

___

 

[NewMan]

Dude you got to quite being such a wussy.

You've got ZERO power in this "relationship" - and as soon as she finds someone she's interested in your GONE.

Your holding on to fruitless hope - your playing her Symph, her emotional tampon - and your going nowhere.

on the way home i asked her what are we now and we only been talking again for three wks

This person has zero power in the relationship. Your are dependant on her. You are letting her make the moves and the decision making.

yesterday after church she kissed me all day long and stuff like that.

Me and my girlfriend went out of town to go eat and done some shopping or what not

first off, she's your EX.

secondly, why are you going anywhere with this chick? This chick doesn't know what she wants - and is just usuing you for the time being.


Quit going out with her - she ended the relationship remember? so what were the ramifications for her? Sounds like nothing since your being a pvssy and hanging around her like a little puppy dog.

She breaks up with you, then you move on. The only way you should be with her again is if she comes crawling back to YOU. Not the other way around.

You give her the power - and when you do this, you will NEVER EVER be in control of the relationship - you give her all the control, since you will react to her actions.


Question - what incentive has she got to get back together? Because your emotionally available for her? and time wise you are available to her.

What are you getting from her in return?

Grow some balls and stop being her little puppy. Move on and get other girls.

Regain the power by cutting her off (but don't tell her that's what your doing, just never be available or able to pick up her call) - game and be seen gaming other chicks (your attitude should be, Your free to hit up other chicks, and your going to do this as much as possible) - and don't allow her to control any relationship. You should control what's happening and when and not the other way around.

 

[BrotherAP]

NewMan broke the ice for me a bit here, but I really have to tell you that what you need to do is radically different than what you have been doing. Why is that? Because you are her doormat right now.

Look I know this is a hard situation. You are obviously very in love with this girl, and you are willing to go through hell and back to be with her. Well I have to warn you, keep going down this path and you WILL go through Hell and back - and not even end up getting the girl. Is that what you want? Of course not!

You can't just stick around and let her define the terms of this 'relationship'. Let's analyze, just for a second, what's going on here:

-You are in love with her, you want to be with her and you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. You feel as if you would give the world for her.

-She is ambivalent towars you. She seems not to know what she wants, except for to exceptionally clear that she doesn't want a relationship.

-She is keeping you held in suspense using a possible reconciliation and hanging in front of your face like the proverbial carrot on a stick.

In other words, SHE IS LEADING YOU ON. She even told you so, but it was in ******** so you might not of caught it. I did!

well i told her that i dont want to be led on, and she said "well if you think i am going to lead you on then we shouldn't do this"

Translation: I am leading you on. If you have a problem with that, leave.

 

[BrotherAP]

So the next question is, if you are being lead on and mistreated, how do you fix it? I'm sure your first instinct is to jump in with what is the obvious question "How do I get her back?" Well there is no answer to that question, because it's the wrong question. It's time you started thinking about herself. The right question is "How do I stop needing to get her back?" Why would you choose to forget about this girl? I hope to convince you that it is necessary.

Why can't you just have her back? You know she was in love with you at some point. You are full of fond memories of you two vs the world and you can't comprehend why she doesn't want to be with you now. Let me tell you, you're going through what everybody goes through. Trust me, I've been there.

Right now she has no reason to take you back - and it has nothing to do with how much she loves or doesn't love you. The problem is that you are too available. You see, what is happening here is that she has no reason to work or make sacrifices for you because you are giving her everything she wants and/or needs FOR FREE. Why won't she date you exclusively? Because SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO! You kiss her when she wants to kiss, and you don't kiss her when she doesn't want to. You take her out at the drop of a hat, you'll do anything for her at a moment's notice as long as you think it means you get a chance to 'improve' the relationship or 'get further.' She never had it this good dating you! But you know what, she's not going to be happy with this. Why not? Because being powerless is very unnattractive - and you have chosen to be powerless. What does this mean? This means she is going to lose respect and attraction for you. She will never want you back as long as she knows that you can have her. Which means, if you want her to value you again, you must make her understand something very clearly: if she wants you, your love, your attention, and your time, then she has to be WITH you. It's boyfriend/girlfriend or nothing. You won't tolerate anything in between.

But enough about getting her back, because that's not what you need to focus on. You have a problem. What problem? You are having a problem being independent. With relationships, there is a tendency to cross the line between being in love with somebody and being completely and totally dependent on somebody. As much as strong emotions can make you believe that your lover defines your life, as long as you believe this you tragically depend on her in a way that no person should ever depend on anything outside of themselves for happiness. There is no way you can have a healthy relationship with her until you realize that you can be happy WITHOUT her. Only when you decide that you prefer to be with her but can be alone (as opposed to NEEDING to be with her) can you truly be happy at all!

 

[BrotherAP]

She made her bed, let her sleep in it

A month ago she dumped you. She said she didn't want to be with you. It's time you started enforcing her decision. It was, afterall, HER decision. Why isn't she sticking to it? Who cares! Time to make some decisions of your own.

It's time to give up. She's not doin it for ya man. I know it, you know it, and anybody who looks at this situation is going to know it too. Admit it, everytime you hang out with her, you get your hopes up that something is going to magically click and she will realize she needs you so you two can be together happily ever after - and every time it doesn't happen you feel like total crap. This isn't healthy! And really think about it - if everything was sweet in your relationship, then you wouldn't broken up in the first place. Why are you trying something again that failed the first time!

It's time that YOU dumped HER. No more dates, no more hand-holding, kissing, lovey-dovey affection and late night phone calls. That's for boyfriends and girlfriends which you two aren't. So stop pretending. And don't for a second think that you too can be 'friends' because you can't. It doesn't work that way, and besides we both know that you don't want to be her friend. You want to be her knight in shining armor and the object of her sexual fantasies. If I ever found out one of my friends saw me like that...

Now here's the kicker. Nothing you tell her will mean anything to her. Words are just hot air leaving your body - if you tell her your moving on but keep being there for you, she's going to know that you aren't. For her to see any value in you, she needs to get the message that she will lose you if she doesn't fight to get you back fast. And the only way to tell her this is to show her without saying anything at all.

 

[BrotherAP]

Alright, so what's the best way to simultaneously get over her while at the same time improving your chances of getting back together?

By walking away!

You will never get over her if you are seeing her constantly. You can't put her in the past until she really is just a relic of the past - when it's been weeks even months since you've even spoken to her, then you'll be over her. You need to take the following steps right now:

-Delete her phone number from your phonebook, her email address, her aim screen name, her mailbox address, and EVERYTHING that gives you the means to contact her. There is no reason to.

-Get rid of all things that remind you of her (or pack them away somewhere if your the sentimental type). That means pictures, love letters, gifts, bed sheets, whatever it is that makes you think of her.

-You need to get a life. One that very explicitly has no room for her. That means lots of friends, lots of hobbies, and lots of time spent doing things that she would only get in the way of. You'll never forget her if you're sitting around at home thinking about her! You need to genuinely move on.

Why move on? Like I said before, not only will you be OK whether or not she comes back, but she'll never feel the need to win you over if you don't move on first so that she has to! It's the only way!

The way to do this is never let her see you falter again. From this point on, she doesn't get info on your life. You do not need to respond to her emails, or answer her phone calls. She is holding on to something that is over. Hell, something that she ended. She couldn't make up her man, so it's time to man up and make a decision for her. There's two choices: completely together, and completely apart. She already told you what she thinks about being completely together (ain't happenin), so the only choice is completely apart. It's up to you to enforce that decision.

CUT HER OFF! Move on. Make yourself happy!

 

[BrotherAP]

One more thing - and I think this is too important to be ignored.

It's time to start actively pursuing other girls. Now don't expect to be getting into another relationship. Just be meeting girls. Flirting openly. Do the single thing, because guess what it's been 3 years since you could realistically entertain thoughts of a night of wild sex with the cute girl you've had your eye on (even if you won't admit it, we all look even when we're in a relationship).

And you know what, if you are dating around any other girls, she will find out about it. Girls are very good of knowing what you are up to. The kicker here is that she's not going to find out from you. You are to in no way tell her that you are dating other girls, having a great time without her, or moving on. By feeling the need to tell her so, she'll know it isn't true. She'll see the truth through your actions - which is why your actions are going to be congruent with the fact that you are MOVING ON.

 

[BrotherAP]

The good news here is that she obviously still has feelings for you. She is going to need to make a decision - does she still love you enough to want you back, or have things gone past the point of reconciliation and it's time to move on? You will have to make a similar choice. But right now it's not time for that. You can't get back together until your fully apart. You want any chance at a healthy relationship, you must have moved on enough to have a choice - a RATIONAL choice bourne of the understanding that you can be happy without her but truly believe that you will be happy with her.

My prediction (and I'm not psychic, just experienced) is that the act of moving on and cutting her off will leave her with a sudden vaccuum of companionship and she will finally realize what she is missing. I have seen the dynamic of a breakup completely flipped on its head when one person suddenly realizes that they've had enough.

Let me relate my personal story. My GF of 3 years broke up. She dumped me because she was falling for some other guy. I spend two weeks trying to get her back - desperately. We even had sex during that time. But when I realized she was seeing the other guy too, it hit me like a ton of bricks. We were over, and she didn't want me. I decided to cut her off - and the decision hit her like a shockwave. She came to me the day after I'd made the decision, since I hadn't called her, to ask her if I'd still road trip with her back home (we both are from the same town). I flatly told her no, I had no desire to spend 6 hours with my ex-girlfriend in a car, and to find a ride somewhere else. She spent the next four hours crying. Suddenly she always wanted to know what I was up to, why she saw girls leaving my room (we lived VERY close, by coincidence), what I was doing and why I wouldn't answer her phone calls. A few weeks later, I was seeing another girl, and my ex came crawling back. Well she was a few weeks to late. I didn't want her anymore. And you know what happened next? She spent the next YEAR obssessing over me. She cried. She begged. She went to counselling. She knew she blew it, and couldn't get over me because I showed her exactly what I catch I was by respecting myself. To this day, she tells people that she would jump on another chance to be with me. I got everything I wanted - I got over her AND got her back.

So even if you want her back, you've gotta move on to have that choice. And if you did your job right, by the time she comes crawling back you'll realize that you don't want her back anymore.

Good luck, and please feel free to ask as many questions as you want. I'll answer them.

 

[girlsarecrazy]

I'm in the same situation. But i'm being more busy, not going out of my way to be with her, not holding her hand, i don't kiss her, i don't call her, etc.

But she's getting more and more attracted to me and i'm just playing her off. We still have sex too. And i think she's getting more and more emotionally attracted to me. My emotional attraction is declining. Physical Attraction is rising because apparently I rock her world sexually. I dunno man. If she's not putting out find someone else. There's no reason to get your head tied up in this mess because one day it can all be shot down.