Questions about her friends

[ebracer05]

This isn't the sort of ridiculous question it sounds like it would be from the title.

Basically, I don't care much who my girl is friends with, who she talks to, ect. provided she maintains boundaries that are respectful of me and the relationship we have. I have not had a discussion with her about our ex's because I think that is just asking for trouble and a chick move... and I really don't care.

The issue is, as a result of some of the things she has said over the time we've known each other, I have some general ideas about who these guys may be... and they are the only guys I would expect her not to maintain contact with. I'm not worried an old flame is going to be ignited or feeling insecure, but disrespected rather. It's like, all of my friends and all of her friends know we are in a relationship and have been for a long time. I presume most of her friends know who her ex's are. If she still maintains contact with them, I feel like that is insulting me on a level with respect to the people who know the two of us and know who her ex's are.

This started incidentally when I saw an unfamiliar guy make a comment on her Facebook that hit my gut in a way that made me think they had a history, and a cursory look at his public information makes me think they may have dated.

The thing is, I don't know what the best thing to do about this is. I feel like if I were to confront it, especially if he's just some random friend, I will rightfully be seen as getting neurotically protective and perhaps even stalker like.

Like I said, it feels disrespectful to me and I like to address things directly as they happen, especially when it may not even be real. I'm just not sure in this case if its the right thing to do or if I should just it go. Under normal conditions, this may not even have showed up on my radar but I'm very tired... finals week this week, stayed up pretty much all night. Not getting a lot of sleep, ect. I am concerned that being very tired is clouding my judgement and making me think this is a bigger deal than it is. I have never addressed anything regarding her friends thus far because she has never given me a reason to... and plus, like it is said so often, if they're going to cheat, it's not like you forbidden them to hang out with a guy will stop them. What I'm concerned about here is maintaining respect and not going AFC. I'm being honest with you guys here so I can get legit advice.

 

[Colossus]

Hey man,

I agree with you that her maintaining contact with her exes is disrespectful, but you have to pick your battles with this subject. I think casual, incidental contact is fine, and sometimes an unavoidable part of life.

However, deliberate, repeated contact with an ex (or exes) is unacceptable. Period.

How you address it gets tricky. Ideally this boundary should be drawn from day one of the relationship, but that doesn't always happen. And if you make too big a deal out of it now, you risk losing some frame and making her rebel.

I think you just have to treat this like any other act of disrespect and administer consequences. That's the only thing that gets through to them. Tell her clearly and simply that her deliberately maintaining contact with an ex is unacceptable, and don't accept her objections. As far as a consequence, if she continues to do it (always make sure you have proof), what I would do is withdraw your attention from her until she caves and asks you what's up. Then say she is crossing a boundary that is affecting the health of your relationship, and she does not get to decide what is and is not disrespectful to you. You know her better than us, so one way or another you have to get it through to her that dissing you (even unintentionally) is a detriment to your relationship and if she continues to do so she risks jeopardizing your ENTIRE relationship.

It's not much different than setting boundaries for a child. The only way they will respect them is if they taste the pain and seriousness of consequences, and realize the boundary is for the good of everybody involved.

 

[Alvafe]

truth is she could be using it to piss you off knowing you will see it, I saw first hand girls doing it to force the guy do something. what I can say is gauge the intent, it was a naive comment or its was a post to fish atencion? don't let that annoy you and act, if it was really something that annoying to you, start to be seen busy to her.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I don't think it's a deal breaker.
If your woman is attractive, she's going to have guys hitting on her and orbiting constantly.
As long as she's not engaging these men, I say just sit back and maintain your confidence. If guys are commenting on her Facebook and she's not displaying any attempt to maintain contact with them, then I say you've got nothing to worry about.
My GF is quite attractive and she gets hit on/orbited a lot (not by exes though admittedly). I simply take the view that if she's going to cheat, she'll cheat and then I'll dump her arse and never look back.
Once again, you'll never stop guys hitting on her, it's how she reacts to their advances that means more than anything.

 

[zekko]

Once again, you'll never stop guys hitting on her, it's how she reacts to their advances that means more than anything.

I agree. As long as it's just random comments on Facebook or whatever I wouldn't be concerned about it. If her and her exes can remain on civil terms, I don't think that's the worst thing. This way, when you and her break up, that means there's a chance she will be mature about it.

I have no problem with a girl talking to other men, depending on the nature of it of course. You can't stop her from talking to other guys without locking her in a closet. I talk to women after all. If she starts making plans to hang out with him or go out with solo, that's when I would object.

 

[crossfitter]

Was seeing a girl recently who had been getting texted by guy X and saw it happen quite a few times. She even had the nerve to hide her phone while we were laying down and be texting him while we were at a wedding I invited her too out of town. I approached her saying "Hey I'm just curious because I've seen his name a few times and wondering who X is, he just a friend?" Takes a 2-3 seconds avoiding eye contact and says "yeah." So I said "ok cool, well I'd like to meet him." Same response with a pause and eye contact "ok." She then gets frustrated and asks me, "don't you have friends who text you all the time??" Go to find out he's an ex who she supposedly hasn't seen in months after he broke up with her and she says she won't talk to him anymore, felt too much disrespect and ended it. Talking to an ex is one thing, covering it up and lying is a whole other deal.

 

[crossfitter]

90%+ of hot women are like this. Believe me she was getting off on the attention(possibly getting more than that). This is why so many guys here have sworn off LTRs.

I've had this talk about 4 times with women and never felt good about it. If you have to ask...

How do I better handle in future? You continue dating them? Once there is lying involved there is no going back for me, I tell every gal I date she can do whatever she wants, just know certain things have consequences.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

How do I better handle in future? You continue dating them? Once there is lying involved there is no going back for me, I tell every gal I date she can do whatever she wants, just know certain things have consequences.

I hate to admit it, but I always go in with a negative mindset. Every girl I've known was either doing something behind my back, or was doing something with me behind someone's back. It didn't matter how great of a personality I had or how great the sex might have been.

You can only control how you feel about the situation. I never call it dating. I don't allow them to lock me into a boyfriend role. Don't tell them about consequences because it just makes you look weak and it won't change the outcome.

 

[smooth_as_silk]

I approached her saying "Hey I'm just curious because I've seen his name a few times and wondering who X is, he just a friend?" Takes a 2-3 seconds avoiding eye contact and says "yeah." So I said "ok cool, well I'd like to meet him." Same response with a pause and eye contact "ok." She then gets frustrated and asks me, "don't you have friends who text you all the time??"

Useless and you appear weak. Keep on ****ing her, spin plates and when you find a fresher replacement, just toss her aside.
Unless you're able to lock down a virgin (and even then, some may cheat), LTRs are a complete waste of time, energy and money.