Question about friendships and attraction

[Elfynne]

Reading the "Ladder Theory" article made me raise this question: If you are attracted to someone, or vice versa, is it possible to still be just good friends with them?

I suppose I'm just curious because I once liked a guy who had a girlfriend already. I knew I didn't have a chance, but I thought that if I could be his friend, that would be better than being his nobody. With me personally, attraction is very emotional as well as physical; I'm rather sentimental and I always develop feelings for someone I'm attracted to. Anyway, I never even spoke to the guy because I was far too scared to approach him. It may sound weird, but I am usually very intimidated and even frightened of guys that I like.

So, anyway, I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

[ER!C L!VE]

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=55357

you and this "guy" should meet sometime (unless you are him) . You both seem concerned about the same stuff...

 

[Elfynne]

Sorry, but that thread does not answer my question. I don't get your point.

 

[Le Parisien]

In my personal case it's actually pretty complicated.

If I "strongly" like a person but she can't give me what I want(she has a biyfriend, she doesn't like my physique), then I simply stay away, far far away from her. I can't even be her friend. If I try to "be her friend ", I know very well that I will eventually be hurt.

There was a girl I met in one of my classes, I was instantly attracted. And I could tell that she really liked me... but only as a friend, because she has a boyfriend. She just mentioned that within 10 sentences of our first conversation because he just happened to be in the same field as mine.
After that I got ice-cold with her, I would be polite but I won't initiate any conversation anymore, and I still feel guilty about that by the way, she couldn't understand why I was suddenly behaving like that. I would talk more with other random persons from the class than with her. At the end of the semester I knew I won't see her again so I had my second and last "normal" conversation with her.


On the other hand, if there's just "some attraction" I won't mind. One of my best friends is a girl with a really nice personality. We both know that there was some kind of mutual attraction between us, but it was no big deal, because first it's not that strong, secondly, it's "symetric". We both feel the same way about each other, there's not one side who wants more out of the "friendship" than the other.

Finally, if there's a girl who I know might fall for me but I'm not interested in her, I will do everything possible within the limit of politeness to make her understand. I can't be friend with people who might fall for me if I don't want have anything to do with them romantically speaking. I'm not an attention wh*re...

 

[Ever onward]

Hey Elf,

There isn't a simple answer to this question. I think if you're attracted to someone then you're gonna always want to get with that person. That is of course unless you're already with someone which in that case you shouldn't be "looking" anyways.

Afterall, you said you wanted to have that guy in your life in some form. Can you honestly tell me that over time you weren't hoping he would get with you?

 

[Elfynne]

Originally posted by Ever onward
Hey Elf,

There isn't a simple answer to this question. I think if you're attracted to someone then you're gonna always want to get with that person. That is of course unless you're already with someone which in that case you shouldn't be "looking" anyways.

Afterall, you said you wanted to have that guy in your life in some form. Can you honestly tell me that over time you weren't hoping he would get with you?

Well, sure I did. But honestly I did not expect it to ever happen. This was back in high school, when I was still very shy and not very confident. I knew even then that guys prefer confident women, so I pretty much accepted the fact that I didn't have a chance. Which is just as well since I ended up losing interest in him anyways. But my original feeling was (and still is) that if I felt attracted to someone, but one of us was not available to the other, I would at least try to be friends with that person. It's better than having nothing to do with him at all. Of course I would not flirt with the guy; in fact I'd probably make an idiot out of myself because I get really nervous around guys who I find super-attractive. That's why I'm afraid of them. Heck, I don't think I even know HOW to flirt in the first place.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by Elfynne
With me personally, attraction is very emotional as well as physical; I'm rather sentimental and I always develop feelings for someone I'm attracted to.

Take notes gentleman, the cat's out of the bag. All women are pretty much like this...

 

[Elfynne]

Re: Re: Question about friendships and attraction

Originally posted by rgeere
Take notes gentleman, the cat's out of the bag. All women are pretty much like this...

Ummm....no, they aren't. The female equivalents of Don Juans that are always being described with such disgust on these forums, are not like this at all. They are like Don Juans are striving to be - - they usually bang someone just for the hell of it, for fun or for their own egos, not because they actually care about a person. So instead of actually feeling something for a person they are attracted to, all they feel is just that...physical attraction, nothing more. There are many women like that, unfortunately.

The relatively few women still in existence who actually value their partner's feelings are growing more and more rare as we speak. So much for your faulty generalization.

 

[Lord_Pancake]

Elf-
Quote
"But my original feeling was (and still is) that if I felt attracted to someone, but one of us was not available to the other, I would at least try to be friends with that person. It's better than having nothing to do with him at all."

I want you to ask yourself 'how does trying to be friends with this guy make your life better'. I am dead serious. If something does not make your life better you should not do it. Your justification for doing this: "It's better than having nothing to do with him at all" leads me into a lecture about opportunity costs.

Think of some things you could do to improve upon your life (you mentioned your shy, you don't even know how to flirt, etc, your nervous, etc) instead of becoming friends with him.
Failing this, I recommend at least incorporating ways to improve your life within your desire to be friends with these guys....as in use him as a test to become less shy, less nervous, etc.
And if you do use this guy as a test to work on your skills...then the answer to your original question is NO. No, its not possible to be just good friends. Use him to make your life better. Otherwise becoming just good friends with him is being lazy, not challanging yourself, and giving in to this "if i cant date the man of my dreams, maybe i can at least be near him". If you cant get the best, improve yourself until you can.....DO NOT settle for less than the best and call it quits.

 

[becker]

Hey Elfynne,

Let's flip it around, being that you're a girl, do you ever keep a guy around as a friend who you're interested in?

 

[Elfynne]

Lord Pancake,

You gave some very sensible advice, so thank you. However, this fortunately does not apply to me anymore, since that was years ago and I have long since gotten over this guy. But how does it make my life better? I suppose it's because if I am the guy's friend then I would mean more to him than if he never even met me, and I would naturally want my feelings to be reciprocated in SOME way, even if it is only platonic. But ever since I have gotten over that guy I have never again felt a foolish attraction for someone who was unattainable. And luckily, I have improved a lot since then.

Becker,

Like I said earlier, if I was interested in a guy, than I would at least try to be friends with him, and I would wait and see if he liked me, too, and I would wait for him to make the first move. I'd never make the first move...I suppose I'm a little Victorian when it comes to female aggressiveness. But I also keep guys around, as friends, who I am NOT interested in, simply because I like them as people. And I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about me. Most of my platonic buddies have girlfriends anyway, so it's all good between us.

 

[becker]

Originally posted by Elfynne


Becker,

Like I said earlier, if I was interested in a guy, than I would at least try to be friends with him, and I would wait and see if he liked me, too, and I would wait for him to make the first move. I'd never make the first move...I suppose I'm a little Victorian when it comes to female aggressiveness. But I also keep guys around, as friends, who I am NOT interested in, simply because I like them as people. And I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about me. Most of my platonic buddies have girlfriends anyway, so it's all good between us.

So how does a guy tell if a girl keeps them around as friends for the first reason or the second? Obviously in order to be friends with them, you'll have to make it known to them that you're not interested in them, otherwise it will seem like you're leading them on..

 

[Elfynne]

Originally posted by becker
So how does a guy tell if a girl keeps them around as friends for the first reason or the second? Obviously in order to be friends with them, you'll have to make it known to them that you're not interested in them, otherwise it will seem like you're leading them on..

Well, there could be several things...a lot of guys these days expect women to show interest first, so if she never does, then that could be a sign that she isn't interested. Also, if the girl has a boyfriend already, or if the guy has a girlfriend, then obviously you can't be anything more than friends with that person. With my male friends, I am very friendly but I pretty much give off vibes that say I'm not attracted to them. It could be the little nuances...like with the things I say, for instance. When I first was getting to know a couple of my male friends, I mentioned that I thought having sex was stupid, and that pretty much told them I was off limits, since they are both sexually active.

 

[becker]

Well, what if you see them, they act interested (cuddle up, kiss you, etc) then they later tell you they don't think they're interested in you, but you guys can be friends? What about if the girl is known to be afraid of getting hurt? What if she's in a bad situation right now (ex. right after a breakup)?

 

[Dirtheart]

Sure, I have lots of female friends. I'm attracted to some of them some are attracted to me, but either interest is one-sided or they have a partner. I can't speak for them, but I can look past the attraction and just treat them like any other mate.

Just because I'm not going to have sex with them doesn't mean I can't appreciate their company and conversation.

Saying that, if I'm emotionally smitten with someone, then it poses a problem.

 

[Elfynne]

Dirtheart,

Good point. I feel the same way. There's no reason not to enjoy the person's company, even if you will never "get with" him or her.

Becker,

I'm not sure I completely understand, but just correct if I have the wrong idea.

I would never cuddle up to a guy or kiss him if I didn't like him in THAT way. And even if I did find him attractive, I would not do something like that since I would be afraid of offending him or something. That's just not something I would do. I don't automatically assume a guy likes me in a sexual way simply because I'm female. I always assume that he DOESN'T like me until he shows otherwise.

On the other hand, if you are talking about the GUY doing this to the GIRL...well, if they did that with me than I would make it plain, in the most gentle way possible, that their advances are not welcome.

Now if some girl has done this with you...i.e., leading you on and then telling you she wants friendship only, I wouldn't really trust that girl if I were you because she obviously doesn't know what she wants. She is apparently trying to figure out her own feelings and is not even sure of what they are. And if she is afraid of getting hurt, or has just gotten over a breakup, than that could really complicate matters too. The best thing to do would be to just let her have some time to herself to figure out what it is she wants. It might be better, for your own mental health, not to get involved with a girl like that anyway. She'll probably drive you nuts. I've seen it happen with others.

 

[becker]

Hey Elfynne,

Thanks for the insight. Yeah, it seems like the overwhelming consensus is to let the girl have her space. That's what I've done. I also told her that all I want from her is friendship, that's it, because I agree, that it's certainly better than not having them in your life, especially if they're a cool person. However, I don't think it's a good idea if you have feelings for the other person that you hope will escalate, only because it will only cause you frustration if they don't reciprocate. In my opinion, it will be a matter of patience and how much you can put up with it before you bail.

Anyways, this girl was totally into me one minute, and the other, she suddenly went somewhat cold. I don't know, but to me, it sounds like I'd rather be friends with her at the moment than deal with any of these issues.

 

[superpud]

Hey Elf,

 

[superpud]

Hey Elf, I have a lot of women friends whom I'm attracted to for some reason. I still flirt and mess with them, even though I know it will never go any further. It just not that big of a deal. I personally would rather be friends with a woman first. That way I get to evaluate them as a person before I get involved and to what extent. Going out and picking up women is becoming less and less of my kind of game. Because women (like men) can be
serious psychos, and I don't need that. And you know, I know a few women who I am extremely attracted to, but I just can't stand them. Anyway, become friends with this fella, regardless of what happens. If it turns into a situation that can escalate, then do what works, if it dosen't, you have another friend.

People need to get over their own emotions to see the truth. Emotions should be a result, not a motivator. When someone I like 'just wants to be friends' there's a reason, and usually a good one. I accept it and be friends. Period. And vice'versa.

 

[becker]

How many of these friendships ever turned out to be anything more?