Question about a confusing situation...part 1

[smeyers]

Whats up guys, I'm brand new to the boards, hope to soak up some knowledge from those in the know. I'll give ya a quick rundown on me and my current "confusing situation" I'll do my best to try and write a novel.

I'm about 27. I've been doing basically the wrong thing with women for ummmm 26 years of my life until recently. Which is, beta/ wuss/ whatever you want to call it, behavior. My mom wears the pants in the relationship,....this stems from my grandmother,......my 3 aunts have it as well. Basically if you don't do want they want, life will be hell, therefore my dad, uncles, and grandfather have basically followed the "happy wife, happy life" mantra, .......which obviously doesn't work too well, as everyone knows, and I can attest to that daily.

So basically my mother raised me to be a "good husband" not a good boyfriend, lover, or what have you. Put the women on the pedistol, and basically cator to her every whimsical need and desire, and almost out think her, in the sense you know her every need and desire and do it b/f she even asks. You as the male are to be basically crapped upon and as a man, you show your man hood, by basically putting up with and taking it.

So long story short, leads me to my recent ex g/f.....and recently a lot of David Deangelo reading. Basically I was the ultra nice guy with her, something that I actually liked and still sort of like doing in a way......its almost a messed up codependency thing, ......my happiness only stems from her happiness. Well b/c of a previous really crazy chick b/f her, (my ex b/f her ended up and married a guy that raped her.....needless to say it messed my head up quite a bit),.....I didn't date, or do anything period with a women for 6 years,..20 - 26, didn't think it would be fair to a woman coming into a relationship messed up in the head. However with this recent girl, I was determined to totally be myself and try to totally get to know her so that I wouldn't get decieved. And I was, Mr. Beta/Wuss of the year,.....and she actually totally loved me for it.......well at first,.........after a while she totally depsied me for it.

The low down on her, she's 21, and she dated two people seriously b/f. One guy from 15-20 who from when she was 18-20 when they lived together, physically abused her. Antoher guy when she was 20, for I think close to a year, who basically was like a spoiled little girl in a guy's body. And then me,......which was directly after the last guy........I guess I could be considered a rebound. Also to be noted, this girl just see's things differently than the majority of people,.....which I've now come to realize,........very self centered, and very immature about things. We're also in college together and come this fall we will see each other in the same classes 3 times a week.

So basically like I said, things were basically the best that I've ever had in a relationship, (only had 2 previous serious long term relationships previous to this), however basically one day, w/o warning she basically got feed up with me and her attitude did a 180. I'm pretty sure it was my beta attitude,.....always giving to her, looking out for her needs and not my own,.......thus no adventure for her,............also you gotta take note that with her ex being an abuser I'm sure she has some self esteem issues, even though she was attracted to him b/f that........think some big tatted up bald brute you see in jail, with attitude and lifestyle to match. A guy such as him basically due to her low self estem hit the attraction button hard on her b/c girls like that, especially when they're young, love the emotional roller coaster ride, and would love to be the one to try to tame the un-tameable

Things were really good from Jan. - March, went bad starting in April, till mid May when school got out.......which leads to me recent events. Bascially our last day of school she had told a friend of mine that she wants me to leave her alone, that I wasn't her type, and that she's been really mean trying to get me to lay off, but doesn't want to come right out and tell me to lay off b/c she doens't want to hurt me or whatever. Which I straight out asked her if she wanted to end things previous to the last day of class, and she said " I think you know me better than that,.....I would come right out and tell you"

So after being intial crushed for a couple weeks, read some David Deangelo, (which was recommend to me by a friend that has some pretty good success).......and have some audio CD's of his and his advanced serries dvd's.....also have been signing up for different news letters from people, .....most off of cliff's list. So she didn't talk to me for about 3 weeks, then all of the sudden I get some calls and stuff, she's into another guy and was trying to make me into the gay guy friend.

I played the role for a little while to get some info. from her. She had made a comment about him that I particualarly found interesting. With me she would really be nasty if she didn't get her way, and of course I wanted to always make her happy, so I would placate her. However, she said something to the extent of .........yeah Mr. X isn't talking to me right now........I said why. She said,....well b/c he called me up to ask what bar I was at, and came there with another girl. However when all these guys were hitting on me and buying me drinks, I could tell he was mad, and he got up and left. I said to her,....your tone indicates that this is a good thing? She says ......well good and bad. Good b/c he puts me in my place, (or something along those lines).......bad b/c he won't open up and talk to about it to me.

I'll continue this in a second thread, b/c this is so long already, don't want anyone's eyes to bug out on me.

 

[smeyers]

Ok so basically. I started applying some David D rules. Answered her phone calls, maybe 1 out of every 3. After a while she didn't talk to me for a while. Then she starts callilng once every 5 days or so, saying "when we going to hang out" I'm like I don't know I'm pretty busy, your not really at the top of my list right now so....... Then every once and a while when I would see her online or talk to her, I would bust on her, accuse her of wanting me, ask her random off the wall questions, sometimes with inunedo thrown in ..."On a scale of 1-10, right now, how bad do you want to ride a roller coaster naked"...etc, etc.

Well you can only do so much on the phone. And when she would call up too meet, it was very random on her terms,...and expect me to show up......she would never say something to the extent of ..."ok such and such time".......however after a while, it was actually convieant for me, and when she called and we hung out at a local park for a while......this was around Mid June.......she obviously was into me, but did her same old BS talk that she alsways does.......about how many guys hit on her when she goes out, (which is like 5 nights p/ week currently)......and all the drinks they bought her and all the lame lines that they say. ..................Side note,......this girl really doesn't have any hobbies or passion in life other than hanging out with her friends and going out.

So at the end of our meeting she goes in for a kiss,......I back off,.....she recovers fairly smooth though. She stars calling me every once and a while after that, .....basically when her good time friends, (whcih she thinks are her best friends) aren't around.......telling me we should go do something..........I tell her..."I only hang out with good girls,.....and I'm no one's safety vaulve" Well she then calls me around close to the fourth of July. My friend had texted her from my phone the night b/f .......using his knowledge.....he types "Hey this is his friend, are all the things he told me about true.....I told him not too talk to you anymore" She calls me up the next day and asks about being in my group for a big project we have to do for school, and then I'm like I don't know, I don't know if I can have my grade on the line for a girl who's always flakey. So she starts crying and is like ..."You act like I'm such a horrible perosn".........which totally threw me off......I reverted back to Wuss mode,....and said.......I never said that........I just don't understand you or your actions,.......(which actually, some of the crap she pulled in the past, trust me....she can be horrible.........she thinks its cute or something)


So I said basically want my friend told me...that I figured she didn't want to hang out with me......maybe I was too clingy or whatever for her........and I took the hint and went on with my life. And she's like No No I didn't think that at all ....ahahahahhahaha, what a lier. Anyway so we were supposed to meet to talk about "us", that was a Wed. .... she never called. Monday she calls me at night after I was coming back from a class, and is like what are you doing......I'm like coming home from class......what are you doing............she's like I say my friend Mr. Y, (some random dude I'm thinking she just met at the clubs),......and I was bored so I decided to follow him to his place and I'm lost and have no clue where I'm going. So she finally gets to his place,....and I'm like ........wait you're so bored that you just follow random dudes around but you won't meet up to talk about stuff that was so important too you only a couple days ago?..........her answer........." So what's your point" hahahhaa. Talk about disrespect.

So, brings us to recent events. She started calling me again, wanted me to come meet her at this local water park. I alawys wanted to go there, so I'm like ok. She was there with her 2 friends that are about as clueless as she is, or worse. I hang out with her there for like 3 hours,.......she does not say one word to me, not that she was trying to be mean........just that she is social dumb.......I've never met a girl that can't communicate or talk b/f.........well until her. So I was talking to her one friend, when my ex wasn't around.........I was like listen........your girl is flakey towards me and stuff and thats our deal,.....but there's people in class that she's starting to do this towards and their going to think differently of her if she keeps it up........they call and she never calls back. I'm like I would tell her this,.....but she never gives me the opportunity to talk ,.............we've never actaully had a real convo for more than 10 min....literally ever. So I said just looking out for her best interests maybe if you could guide her to follow through on things, b/c we all have these courses together and have to work together a lot....so things would just be easier on her.

Well, my ex calls me up, not yesterday,..but the previous Monday and goes ape on me. "This is how rumors get started." "My friend has nothing to do with school, why the f#$k are you getting her involved in things that she desn't need to be involved in" "People need to keep their f#$king mouths shut about things that don't pertain to them" .............. So I'm like well this wasn't malicious, I'm tyring to help you and give you guidance. I told the people in class that were surprised why you didn't call them back and stuff that you were busy,......(which she uses that excuse for everything from not meeting or callilng me .....to well anything else in the book......she took one summer class, and now is working part time,......and still lives with her parents, and the only bill she pays is her cell phone..........however she does go out almost every night of the week).

She lashes out on me and said that "You tell them if they have a question about me to ask me" I'm like well they tried and you never called them back. She's like "bulls#$t" I never got a call, (even though her phone was shut off for about 3 weeks). And she's like besides, the one girl, (who was her really close friend in school), is married and has kids,.........what the f#$k am I supposed to do......call her up and say hi whats up........I'm like well......yeah, thats what friends do. She's like f@#k that she's busy and I'm busy, f#$k that.

I wanted to tell her well,....I wouldn't have said anything to your friend about anything if I actually would get to talk to you for more than 5 minutes,........however just as it usually goes........she says ......well I got to get to work.......I can call you later if you want to talk about it. I'm like yeah ok fine, do that. She has called me literally when she would have about 5 min b/f she would go into her job at this other location,..........so I'm like screw this, I don't have time to say anything...........I'm just not picking up. So later on that ngiht I wrote her a 9 page email, (which I know I shouldn't have done).......basically explaining all the messed up stuff she has said and done since we started seeing each other and asking her what changed her mind, why she gave more respect to her ex's than me.......why she can't just be straight with me,......etc. Bascailly everything that I shouldn't have done.

So, I'm pretty sure she probably deleated it...or read a little bit and then delated it. She's a brat, she can give it out..as far as what other people do thats all wrong....but she can't take it.........she can't take people thinking bad about her or telling her negative stuff to her face, or in writting or whatever. Herin lies my issue. Although I see her true colors now. The little intimate time we got to spend was amazing. I would like to be with her for casual sex,.......but with her craziness and stuff,......I dont' know if that can be acomplished. Also, I don't want to look at things from a sarcity point of view, but right now, I'm going back to school,........so I'm doing the school thing, working part time, and I'm broke. So my options of even going anywhere or doing anything with a girl are limited.........her being in classes with me is sort of convieant.

There's only one other girl in our class that I find attractive, however, a friend of mine already has dibs, (although he's not trying to hard).......unless he gives me the green light......I'm not going to be an ass. Also, unfortuately b/c things went so well with this girl in the beggining, I do still have a lot of strong feelings for her.

So basically I'm trying to formulate a game plan to either accomplish my goals Right now I'm figuring on not answering her IF she calls, (which I doubt she will), until school starts, which is Aug. 21rst. She might have get a guy from now till then, who knows,.......but I have no clue how to deal with this situation when school starts,......especially b/c she's going to be in my group for my project,......which is a big part of our grades and we need to spend a lot of time on. Now it is possible for me to give her the boot for my group, however, the reason I took her in, is b/c she lives relatively close, where this other lady lives over an hour away, and is married, and works crazy hours.

I REALLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG READ.........any help, comments, suggestions, etc. would be greatly apprecaited. Also, b/c the thread is so long already I didn't want to go into more detail. But if anyone wants, I can.

Thanks guys.

 

[flexion_]

Ok - think of each relationship in your life as a statue. Once it falls over and breaks you can try all you want with glue; but, it will still be a cracked statue and never as good as the original. Each statue you create will be better than the first.

So point is - smack! Your ex-GF is such for a reason. Start fresh with someone new. Going 6 years without a relationship smells of a mental condition (nothing personal) so you most likely have some inner demons to deal with at some point as well.

Reading the DJ bible would help.