Q1 Field Report

[darkstarrr]

Just a quick report on my progress.

It's one thing to arm yourself with the knowledge on this board but its another to find a way to incorporate it into the fabric of who you are. You can put up a front and act all tough guy on the outside but when push comes to shove if you haven't changed, you're going to buckle like a little girl on a rollercoaster.

That being said here is my 2009 Q1 report.
There are others that I have lined up for random dates etc but I will only mention those in future if there is something worth talking about.

Girl 1: 27, HB9 Indian chic, engineer, very intelligent, shy, reserved, killer smile, slight accent

We started talking last year after we met at the mall. I have some Indian roots in my ancestry so we sort of hit it off. She didn't believe me at first because I look as white as a snowflake. I can cook Indian and I know a lot about the culture.

Anyway, so we talk for months over email and IM, but I never agreed to meet up with her because I was in my psycho stage still from my last breakup. She sort of dropped off my radar in December/January - but then we went out to dinner on Valentine's day and had a blast.

2 weeks later we had dinner plans and she called last minute to say she couldn't go to dinner but I could meet her at the club hours later. I made other plans. She started marathon calling me around midnight. I didn't answer.

2 weeks later we went out and ended up making out all night. She tells me constantly that I am so cute and you know that right? Following weekend we went out again and ended up back at her place. Tried to have sex but could not get it into her. She has only been with one other guy and hadn't had sex in 4 years or something.

Following week we went out again and she ended up staying over. The fingering from the previous weekend must have done the trick because I was able to get it into her and it was great. Didn't have to practically throw my back otu like with some of the others I have been with.

Next day she starts telling me she feels bad (guilty) and that in her culture its not acceptable blah blah.. and that we should take it slow. I told her I believe we should take it slow and maybe 6 months of knowing each other is not enough. She said, oh right we have been talking for 6 months haven't we..

2 days later we are talking online and she suddenly disappeared. I think she fell asleep on her laptop in bed. Whatever not a big deal. Next day she texts me while I am at work and it went bck and forth a time or 2, light playful joking, etc.. She called me after work and said she was going out to dinner but that she would call me later. She never called.

2 days later I am out with Plate 2 below and she texts me asking if I am asleep. I waited a 1/2 hour and responded I'm eating dinner at some place down the street from my house and what's up? She never responded.

I'm trying to fine tune my ability to handle these kind of situations. I don't think they can necesarily be classified as "flaky" but its kind of annoying.

Do I call her out on this shit? What can I do to qualify her when she acts like that?

Girl 2, 29, HB 6/7, single mom, blonde, got her wrapped around my finger

Nothing really to report here. She came over last night. Was having trouble finishing with her for a few weeks to the point where I started to think something was wrong with me. Until I started having sex with the other one. Lately I've been making special requests, that she wears pig tails or goes commando.. random stuff like that.

She blew up my phone Saturday night when I was out with the other one. Said she was drunk and needed me to come pick her up etc. Haha I said I had been drinking and couldn't drive and if I had known she was going to be available to hang out or whatever I would have planned differently.

She was furious and didn't initiate contact with me for 2 days but then 2 days ago she came out of the wood work as if nothing happened and asked to come over yesterday, which she did...

Prospect 1: shy blonde 20 year old from my other most recent post, hb7, 5'0" cute as a button lol

She showed high interest to the point where she was blushing and smiling while we talked in person. I got her digits and got a little contact flowing but she stopped responding to me and never called me back so I let it go.

Prospect 2: 26, HB7/8, cute, body looks edible

She just moved into my lux apartment complex. She lives with her mom and sister in the building next door. I live in the main building with the pool, gym, clubhouse, etc and I'm on the first floor. Within 10 minutes of meeting her I had her digits. She doesn't have a cell phone so she gave me the house number. She qualified me almost immediately..do I have kids, do I live alone, got to talking about living with other people, who have I lived with, how long was my last relationship, how long ago did it end...

Anyway, she's a hostess at a fancy restaurant down the street. Def high interest. I sense a girl next door arrangment in the works.

That's all for now folks. I'm a busy guy with work and my ongoing project to improve myself into the best man I can possibly be. I'm doing the best I can with my time. The only real advice I am seeking is with the first one I talked about.

Thanks guys!

 

[Mr. Me]

My analysis so you can 'fine tune your ability to handle these kind of situations':

>> we talk for months over email and IM, but I never agreed to meet up with her because >>

You have to do what we actors do, and that's 'turn it on' and just do it and put aside your woes. It's always best to not let these things languish because who knows but that some other guy may come along and move in on her and then your op is gone and you're kicking yourself because you didn't get with her. More about emails and IMs below.

>> but then we went out to dinner on Valentine's day and had a blast >>

It's nice that you had a blast but as a rule, don't take new chicks out on VD - reserve that for SO's, girlfriends & wives. It therefore sends that kind of signal to the new chick, that you're eyeing her as relationship material, it sets the type of relationship you're going to have with the woman.

Now, even though this particular girl kind of worked out for you in that you bedded her soon afterwards, don't mistake those results for thinking that everything that led up to it was unharmful. That's like a guy surviving a fall out of a sixth story window and thinking it's therefore okay to fall out of a sixth story window. I'm pointing out where you can close up the gaps and loopholes that can cause things to fall apart.

>> 2 weeks later we had dinner plans and she called last minute to say she couldn't go to dinner but I could meet her at the club hours later. I made other plans. She started marathon calling me around midnight. I didn't answer.
>>

Better would have been to say you made other plans and counter offer back with another date. It's not okay that she broke plans with you, BUT she did offer a make up. You'd have to factor in why she broke the dinner plans. It's a possible flag, but since she gave you an option, you'd have to keep her actions on file and see what else happens, if it's a one time occurrence or a pattern with her.

>> Next day she starts telling me she feels bad (guilty) and that in her culture its not acceptable blah blah.. and that we should take it slow. I told her I believe we should take it slow >>

Never have sex and then claim to regret it ("I told her I believe we should take it slow"). That alone makes you come off like Mr. Sensitive Guy. You need to be like, "Hell, I enjoyed it!"

Her telling you that she wanted to now take it slow is woman speak for "low interest". Her excuse that in her culture it's not acceptable is just that, the excuse she's using.

>> 2 days later we are talking online and she suddenly disappeared. I think she fell asleep on her laptop in bed. Whatever not a big deal. >>

Unless her internet connection went down or her 'puter crashed, it is a big deal. It could mean low interest and that some other guy IM'd her and she gave him her total attention and figured she'd tell you that her 'puter went haywire or something. Don't minimize or rationalize away what women do.

Also, the whole texting back and forth and IMing makes you prone to this kind of game playing from women. It lets them know that you're home with nothing to do but be on your computer, it makes you too available to them and that defeats mystery and challenge. They ought to be wondering where you disappear to between dates. They ought to be wondering if they're going to hear from you again, and why they haven't heard from you yet. When you're on their minds, their interest can grow. When you're in contact with them, that's the only time you can possibly lower their interest.

>> She called me after work and said she was going out to dinner but that she would call me later. She never called. 2 days later I am out with Plate 2 below and she texts me asking if I am asleep. I waited a 1/2 hour and responded I'm eating dinner at some place down the street from my house and what's up? She never responded.>>

She didn't call when she said she would = Flag. Sure, I know things happen, but I'll bet nothing happened that prevented her from calling you. She didn't even call the whole next day. Two days later she calls. She didn't even really call, she avoided live interaction by texting. All that's a flag.

I would not have called back in half an hour. I would've waited another day or two. I would not have told her what I was doping. No details. Let her imagine I was out with a hot Hooters girl I met in the meantime. Her actions would dictate that I give her third class citizenship status in my world.

All in all, it really sounds like she's become a low interest woman.

>> Do I call her out on this ****? What can I do to qualify her when she acts like that?>>

Here's the classic Catch-22. By the time you have to ask this question, the sitch is in a hole that you may not be able to repair. All this is more likely preventable then it is repairable. For sitches like this, distance and silence works best, along with moving along.

I'd say your best bet is the apartment complex girl, but be forewarned that when that fizzles (as odds dictate it will), you'll have some awkward moments when you bump into each other now and then, and if she's psycho, it could even be worse.

 

[STR8UP]

Good job "getting back on the horse". You haven't mentioned the wicked witch in weeks.......

I have to say though, this is why the whole plate spinning lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Spending a bunch of time on a bunch of chicks that really don't interest me. If these were all women that I had a fair amount of interest in it might be one thing, but those only come along infrequently.

If you are wife shopping or if they simply fall into your lap and do all of the work it's one thing, but to have to actively recruit new ones as each one flakes, having to maintain the ones you have, etc., that's a damn chore!

To answer your question about #1, there is no "handling" of women like this. She's lukewarm and you are in her frame.

The only thing you can do is NOT take her seriously. If you get together you get together. Don't make serious plans. If it happens it happens.

I can't tell you how many chicks I've had like this in the past few years. She's exercising options and doesn't care if she puts you on standby. If you are in front of her it's one thing, but when you aren't around there are lots of other shiny things that grab her short attention span.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Anyone else pick up on the single mom being the most unstable? Quick to set off and quick to reset.

 

[darkstarrr]

Anyone else pick up on the single mom being the most unstable? Quick to set off and quick to reset.

The single mom! The biter and bathroom searcher from this thread...sent me the following email today.

I'm not sure where to begin here.... You may think I am crazy and wonder why the hell you even wanted to be friends with me in the first place, and then what the hell you got yourself into here but I have to get this all out so I can try to move on, wherever that may be.

You are right when you say we both knew what we were getting into when this all started. You told me you were not emotionally available and that you needed to take things "slow" and see what happens. I agreed that slow is better seeing as we both fairly recently came out of messy break-ups/relationships. What I was not prepared for was for me to become so emotionally involved and blind to the fact that you still only consider me a friend, with benefits. I've been brutally honest from the beginning and told you I was developing feelings for you that I didn't think you would ever share. That I tend to get carried away, fall fast and hard, and easily hurt. You told me you weren't looking for anything--especially not a relationship. I still fooled myself into thinking that maybe you would change your mind and be ready sooner rather than later and that you could like me as much as I like you.

Once we started hanging out more and then having sex, I thought that maybe you were coming along and starting to have feelings for me other than just friendship. I see now I was mistaken. I started wondering if you had other women you call "friends" that you were also hooking up with and the not knowing really upset me. The fact that I was mostly a secret you kept from your family and friends once things got intimate should have been indication enough for me that I was nothing more than a distraction for you, but again, wanting more from you I turned a blind eye.

In my opinion, people who are just friends don't sleep together. Once sex enters the picture, the friendship/relationship takes on another meaning. The exact meaning is defined by the 2 people, but it's definitely not the same. And I wasn't trying to push you into a "relationship" by bringing up the dating and other women. What I need(ed) was just to define what we are doing a little more clearly because to me, it's become more than just friendship.

I don't mean to dump all of this on you like this but I'm pretty sure you saw this coming from me. I didn't realize exactly how hurt you must be from whatever it is you've been through with your ex(es). Believe me, I wish more than anything I could continue hanging out with you and enjoying the benefits that come along with that, but if it hurts this much now, I can only imagine how I am going to be crushed when you end it later. It's becoming clearer that I am investing too much in a non-existent relationship and that I am not emotionally stable enough to be with you without getting attached.

I know you've been hurt, I know you have some issues, and I know you are scared to be hurt again. I am too. There comes a time when you have to take a chance though. And who knows, maybe it's simply that I am not the right person for you and when she comes along, you will take a chance. But I need more than you can/will give me right now. I need someone who wants me and only me. Someone who can answer me honestly and openly when I ask him questions. Someone who can open up to me and let me into his heart.

Why then is it so hard for me to walk away when it seems like the only solution here? I could easily fall for you ****** and don't know if I am strong enough to end what has gotten too emotional for me to handle without any of the feelings being reciprocated. How's that for scary?

And I find it unfair that it seems like you will have a much easier time eliminating me from your life than I will have forgetting you, but I brought that on myself. Like you said, I knew what I was getting into before this all started.

You're a great guy ****** and some woman is going to be lucky to have you love her... right now I'm kind of sad it can't be me but it is what it is and if it's not meant to be then such is life.

I'll do my best not to drunk text you tonight and will leave it up to you to contact me when you want, if at all.

I'm not sure what to think. She seems pretty down to earth and clear in her thought processes. She is right though in the sense that I don't feel compatible with her and there is no way we would ever end up together or as anything more than just friends. She has been pretty cool though and has been really nice to me. She's been there for me helping me get through the last phase of my psychosis that I enetered at the end of last year. I know I don't owe her anything perse but I would like to remain friends with her and be there for her as a friend. It seems like that might not be possible though at this point.

Interesting.

 

[KontrollerX]

The single mom is dangerous for more reasons than just being a single mom darkstarr.

Next her completely with no absolutely no friendship or contact.

Other than that the other plates you had in the lineup seemed decent.

You always have to remember that any woman presenting a mental or emotional problem even if it seems legitimate at the beginning of your interaction with her is to be nexted.

Decent women with their sh!t together who have legitimate issues to deal with get their problems dealt with before putting themselves back in the field.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

The Girl Next Door sounds like she could be a good deal. However, IME I have come to regard that "instant qualifying" barrage as a flag. Not necessarily a NEXT, but it does give me pause. I wonder if she is the eHarmony android sent back in time to secure provisioning for the future in a ruthless and efficient manner.

Happy Hunting Gents

 

[darkstarrr]

So I stopped contacting her after the incident last week but we still ended up talking briefly because she requested clarification of the terms of our friendship seperation. Also, I had some coworkers over on Monday after work. We played poker and had some shots of Patron. The Single Mom was in the area and asked to stop by for a few so I said sure. I was going to try to hook her up with one of my buddies. Anyways, my buddies ended up boogy-ing and it was just me there drunk with her. She brought it up again and I repeated that I was unable to be in anything other than casual right now. She understood but said she had begun to develop feelings for me and was unable to revert back to the previous few months when we were just dating casually, etc. So I said ok.. and then she said she knows what she needs to do now (which I know meant that she should leave). But she just kind of stood there thinking. It got kind of unconfortable. I couldn't just tell her to get out. I was hungry. She ended up taking me out to dinner and buying me more drinks, then driving me home. She had to come inside for a moment to pee next thing you know we were back at it like jack rabbits. Oh no.

Anyway, so she called last night and said that she couldn't do this anymore and I said okay I understand and that was it. Then this morning I get to work and find this in my email.

*****,

At the risk of seeming 'crazy' I want to clarify something.

The reason it was so important for me to be the only person you were dating and hooking up with is because otherwise you made me feel like you were just using me until someone better came along... like I was in a lose-lose situation and was going to get screwed either way in the end. You said tonight that you wished I could wait it out a little longer to see if I was able to just let things be more casual like they were when we first started dating, but what would I really be waiting for? Would I be waiting until you meet someone else to take my place? (seriously an answer to this if nothing else would be appreciated)

You saying that you aren't with/haven't been with anyone else but me recently but need to keep the option open just makes me feel ****ty and inadequate. Then all I can do is wonder when you will meet that other woman and the fact that I wouldn't know and... well, you get the idea, right? I sit and wonder who you are out with and what you are doing when I'm not with you. I think about how you could be sleeping with me one night and someone else the next. You don't wonder those things about me though, but that's because I have feelings for you that you don't share for me.

Why then did I let this go on like I did knowing that you weren't ready for any type of relationship? I guess I was hoping that you would open yourself up for me. But when I realized that I was starting to fall for you and that you could care less if I were sleeping with other people I guess it hurt more than I expected it to. I would consider my college years of sleeping around and acting crazy enough casual dating in my life. I know what I want now in both a friendship and a relationship and I know that I deserve someone who respects and trusts me enough to give me a chance.

Sure, opening up again and dating someone exclusively can be scary after what we've gone through the past year and there's always the chance that it won't work and then you'll be back at square one as you said. The chance is worth it to me though because if you're too scared of getting hurt then you might miss out on someone wonderful.

I've had so much fun with you ***** and I definitely didn't want it to end but like I said earlier, I think you aren't being completely honest with me and that perhaps the fact that I have kids is intimidating for you? Or maybe it's something else? I have no idea because you won't open up enough to discuss it. I wish you could and then maybe I would understand a little better. And I know you need to continue to work on you and healing and growing, as do I, but why it's so important to you that your healing has to involve dating a bunch of women "casually" is where you lose me.

I'm sure this all seems overbearing to you and perhaps it is, but I'm not ok with everything that has happened and I'm hurt. I'll work through it and be ok in the end, but for now I am sad that you don't want to be with me as often as I want to be with you or in the way that I want to be with you.

Your response to this doesn't have to be some novel like I've written *****. Please just be honest and open like I have done. You don't need to take 2 days to write it; none of what I've said is new. A quick note will do...

-***

Interesting. I have to be really careful with her because she is very vulnerable and I do not want to hurt her, mislead her, or cause her distress of any kind. I've been there, and its not cool. I think I have done a good job at being upfront with her about where I/we stand, etc and what my capabilities are and are not. I don't like to make a habit out of lying to people, but as fas as the casual dating thing goes I find it interesting how they always seem to ask the exact questions that we do not want to answer as we are spinning plates i.e. are you hanging out with fucking other women.

Needless to say the attraction level with this one is through the roof! The aura in the air is so thick I could cut it with a proverbial butter knife. Maybe I will continue to try to keep her as an F-buddy but if she continues to demonstrate that she is not able to handle that emotionally I will have to mann up and break all contact.

 

[STR8UP]

Interesting. I have to be really careful with her because she is very vulnerable and I do not want to hurt her, mislead her, or cause her distress of any kind. I've been there, and its not cool. I think I have done a good job at being upfront with her about where I/we stand, etc and what my capabilities are and are not. I don't like to make a habit out of lying to people, but as fas as the casual dating thing goes I find it interesting how they always seem to ask the exact questions that we do not want to answer as we are spinning plates i.e. are you hanging out with fucking other women.

Dude.....no matter what happens, no matter what you say or how many times you say it, when the sh!t hits the fan YOU will be the ass hole. You can tell her that you want to keep it casual till you are blue in the face and it won't make a damn bit of difference. You will still be blamed for everything.

So my advice is that you shouldn't be concerned about her feelings. You are giving her a free pass to victimhood. Do you think for ONE SECOND that if the tables were turned that she would care what you think? No, she would follow her emotions and her dripping pu$$y right into the arms of the first guy that proves "better" for her than you are, whatever those criteria happen to be at that time.

Sorry man, but women don't deserve the kind of compassion you are showing. Sweet little cupcake wouldn't have the same concerns for you, or at least in the grand scope of things it wouldn't matter. You have told her where you stand and you owe her nothing more. Now use it for what it's worth and understand that no matter how much of a d1ckhead she tries to make you out to be in the end, SHE was the one who decided to proceed under your terms and conditions.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear DarkStarr,
I absolutely agree with KontrollerX this Single Mum is one very intelligent and worldly Women....This Woman is gunned and engined for one thing only,finding a Daddy,at your age you could easily get caught...Sure the temptation is there but take care it could turn nasty at the drop of a hat.....Your Indian Lady is not for you either DarkStarr!....They are very lovely,loyal girls,but just as she says "Next day she starts telling me she feels bad (guilty) and that in her culture its not acceptable"even though superficially she appears to be in your mindset,she isn't everything for an Indian lady revolves around mutual respect from and for her family,generally they will find a suitor for her....Premarital Svs is just not on,in my Fathers time (He lived in India)an adulteress or loose Woman would have the tips of the ears,nose and chin clipped off,then be cast out to fend for herself,marked out and identifiable by her own people,she could not turn to prostitution amongst the Whites,as she appeared to be suffering from Syphillus....No give this one away.As you seem to have a penchant for exotic girls,try one from Mainland China,very nice....Your progress is quite remarkable though DarkStarr,That Indian Lady would have been very tricky to seduce,well done!!I would say you are poised to move on to far better things,just keep plugging away.