Q: Dude snapchatting my GF...

[dustmuffin]

I'm sure I can bring it up again and have her block him but that is just going to put me in a bad situation and make me look jealous.

This is a respect issue. She should have have volunteered to block him. If you bring it up again take the respect angle.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Wait 24 hrs before making any rash decision that ur gonna break it up w/ her. Sit her down explain the options or just sweep under the rug for now, my man. Good luck.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The fearmongering on this site is out of control at times. Literally anything you bring up will have 1/3 of the posters saying to dump her or that it's the beginning of the end.

I agree it is sometimes unwarranted, but at the same time, her behavior will not improve.

You are right, where it is now is totally fine, but this is the very beginnings of things not being fine and unfortunately it is passed correction.

The password thing is a major issue in relationships, like the point is to trust, you don't entertain a middle ground, you either trust or don't... I have said in the past, on other forums, that auditing trust is OK, but I have come to recognize the audit as insecurity over time, it's just silly.

The emotional attachment is the bigger issue here and she exposed him with her test.

Snap Chat is an innately deceptive application, it is intended to be deceptive... We will all have our opinions on it, some are OK with it, others are not, but it's undeniable that Social Media makes maintaining orbiters easier, but again, if we try to impede orbiters, it can come off as insecure, so we make that conversation about her behavior, the guys will orbit regardless, but if her behavior goes unchecked, then OP is just coasting on his SMV or his provisions, maybe a bit of both and he can do that with plates.

But anyways, my point has been made, I don't want to derail into what is good and bad in relationships all that much because if it works for you, that is great; relationships are anecdotal, but OP came for a reason and he'll ultimately have to make that choice and if he lets us influence him into a bad choice, it's still on him.

 

[flowtheory]

OP; have their been any other signs or weird vibes which you have gotten?

Remember this: YOUR internal alarm went off due to this situation - how she conveyed the circumstance to you, her body language and all context of your relationship which none of us are privy to.
Flags are present, yes, but I’m sure even before this situation given the fact you’re posting - so this isn’t the first weird vibe you’ve gotten, I bet.
The thing is to be honest with yourself and us, so we can help you. There is a bit of denial in the way you write. Self reassurance that you’re not being played...

In my most recent relationship I was in denial. And the red flags were there. That guy snapping her? To you it’s a boundary of yours which has been crossed, and an unmet standard. She’s pushing the boundary and taking away a small piece of your power; you feel it; we see it. That’s why you’re here in this thread.

we can give you objective advice from our experienceS if you’re able to be very truthful with other parts of the relationship.

Because if she REALLY cared about you, why would she tell you about the guy who is continuously snapping her? And WHYYY would you use the words ‘is that your new boyfriend?’ Those words came from your Insecurity. But that also denotes that there are things she is doing which are making you insecure in THIS relationship to make you think she isn’t as committed as you are...

 

[Mazer]

I told my current gf, when we first started dating, that I wont ever have to tell my girlfriend what to do when a guy hits on her, because if she doesn’t know to respond, then she isn’t my girlfriend. Just like that.

 

[flowtheory]

I told my current gf, when we first started dating, that I wont ever have to tell my girlfriend what to do when a guy hits on her, because if she doesn’t know to respond, then she isn’t my girlfriend. Just like that.

Crisp.

 

[Romanemp22]

My few good girls who happened to be my gf previously would never do such a thing, the only thing she would do are story telling me their orbiters were hitting on her when things were good between us.. They will made sure of it clear as a day they had been shut closed and were meant that way.. Cos theyre afraid if anything happened to the relationship that would risked it demised. Well when thing go south shes saying shes taking a ride in a car with other dude.. Thats how it works.

I wouldnt trust someone who blatantly rub my nose with other dude to be in a relationship.

And I bet she told OP about the guy who's snapping her with a smirk smile on her face. That type of girls enjoy power play making OP insecure about another guy, that she thinks she's desirable and he's not.

 

[JohnChops]

OP; have their been any other signs or weird vibes which you have gotten?

Remember this: YOUR internal alarm went off due to this situation - how she conveyed the circumstance to you, her body language and all context of your relationship which none of us are privy to.
Flags are present, yes, but I’m sure even before this situation given the fact you’re posting - so this isn’t the first weird vibe you’ve gotten, I bet.
The thing is to be honest with yourself and us, so we can help you. There is a bit of denial in the way you write. Self reassurance that you’re not being played...

In my most recent relationship I was in denial. And the red flags were there. That guy snapping her? To you it’s a boundary of yours which has been crossed, and an unmet standard. She’s pushing the boundary and taking away a small piece of your power; you feel it; we see it. That’s why you’re here in this thread.

we can give you objective advice from our experienceS if you’re able to be very truthful with other parts of the relationship.

Because if she REALLY cared about you, why would she tell you about the guy who is continuously snapping her? And WHYYY would you use the words ‘is that your new boyfriend?’ Those words came from your Insecurity. But that also denotes that there are things she is doing which are making you insecure in THIS relationship to make you think she isn’t as committed as you are...

@stringpuller heres your update:

Update: she deleted snapchat.

@BackInTheGame78 I agree there is some fear mongering, but I do believe it's warrented sometimes. However, I think theres an age disconnect somewhere on this site making it worse.

This is actually the first weird vibe ive gotten, other than that, the relationship has been super awesome. She is lovey towards me all the time. The reason it felt weird to me is because I guagued her interest being high via her signs/way she is towards me but then this happened so it made me question her interest level. After she decided to delete snapchat, on her own I did not bring this up anymore, she said she cared more about the relationship than a dumb app that is causing problems. I took everyones advice here objectivley and weighed the options, but I have to weigh them against what I am experiencing, no one is experiencing it first hand like I am, hence why things aren't always so black and white.

I only used that line because I like to fvck around. On the comitted note, shes asked me to move in with her in March, I have no job yet and she said she doesn't care, once again making me think her interest in me and the relationship is high.

At the end of the day, it could've just been me overthinking or over-analyzing as some of us do here, still going to be on the look out for more red flags and keep my eyes open. I'm in no rush to move into anything serious (e.g. moving in together).

 

[JohnChops]

And I bet she told OP about the guy who's snapping her with a smirk smile on her face. That type of girls enjoy power play making OP insecure about another guy, that she thinks she's desirable and he's not.

She did not have a smirk on her face, more like a face of disgust.

@Mazer That is actually solid. Gonna use that.

@dustmuffin She did, but ultimatley she ended up deleting snapchat

@dude99 ya man, thats what im feeling, however solid points in this thread from everyone.

 

[JohnChops]

@stringpuller see those would have been good ways to deal with that, and yeah I realized I failed a **** test, it happens. Now I know and I learned from it. I’ve never been in that situation but hell now I know.

many advice on regaining frame,I know it isn’t fully out of my corner just yet.

 

[flowtheory]

On the comitted note, shes asked me to move in with her in March, I have no job yet and she said she doesn't care, once again making me think her interest in me and the relationship is high.

Never move in to a woman’s place. Ever. If you’re going to live with a woman at any point, move in to new territory.
I moved in with a woman once in my younger years and she had HER spots already mapped out and set in place; was willing to give me certain areas she didn’t want. It was me coming in to her frame. ultimately she moved out 6 months after and I took over the lease. I still live there to this very moment as I’m on the toilet talking to you now! Great place.

Also don’t move in with a woman if you’re life isn’t already in balance and order. She will resent you for that, if she already doesn’t.

Some things from my seat in the bleachers don’t completely make sense in all this, because if you trusted her you wouldn’t have been overthinking in the first place. So she must be doing other things.. they could be very small an innocuous. But small granules of sand still fill up a bottle over time.
I don’t get why she would DELETE the whole app? That’s drastic. And to give the reason that your relationship is too important to have that? What?
Then to talk immediately about moving in. Buddy, that’s a massive redirection in highly emotive way..
Maybe I’m just being paranoid? But that’s not normal. There would be shame and guilt attached to some of this.
Understand that when people feel shame they do very dramatic things..

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

So I have an interesting one, been dating this girl for 8 months, was spinning plates at the time and we just ended up clicking so we went for it. Everythings been great, she buys me stuff, cooks, cleans, our sex drives both line up ( aka a lot of sex). Shes told me and shows me she is in love with me, words and actions here. She backs up what she says. However, somthing weird has come up. Some dude has been bombing her with snapchats for the past week. Like multiple every single day. She doesn't open them or opens them and doesn't reply. I brought it up and said, "Is that your new man?" as a joke.

This turned into a more serious conversation and she asked me if it bothered me, I said "would it bother you if I had a girl snapping me like that?" She said "yes". She dove into tell me how she doesn't reply, has no interest in replying, she did not start he randomly started blowing her up, reassured she loved me and even asked me if I wanted her to block him. I said I didn't care about blocking the dude. But I'm not sure why a few days later this is still in my mind. It doesn't seem like shes trying to cheat or even keep this dude around as an orbiter. Just seems like unsolicited snapchats for whatever reason.

What would you guys do in this situation?

I should add she doesn’t do sketchy **** with her phone either. We know each others passwords, we both go into each others phones to change songs, nav etc. she leaves her phone out in front of me and doesn’t do the sketchy tbings you’d expect

The fact that you committed to exclusivity was your biggest mistake. Another school boy error is commitment to anybody who is on social media

Not doing it right. Comply or bye.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If anything, I think the lesson here is, as many others have said, define these things in the beginning or flounder in ambiguity.

Also, for her to transition from having snap chat to not having it, this would require a lot of guilt tripping in my eyes, this is a major source of validation and attention for all women, this is clearly a "Busted" moment unless you put a ton of insecurity on display, which you already recognized as a bad idea.

If she wasn't doing anything wrong, why delete it.

Anyways, glad you are happy with this resolution op.

 

[Gentleman]

This kind of thing, and the resulting angst that comes along with it, is the result of the couple not verbally agreeing beforehand how to handle issues like this.

So now it’s all about “What does SHE think? What is SHE going to do?” And the man just sits around and awaits his fate based on her behavior.

I agree with the above quote. To the OP I would say you know you made a mistake when you were nonchalant about the orbiter because you were bothered enough to make a post on SS about it. I have been there. Where do you go from here? I would wait until I see him messaging her again an just say "this guy is still sending you snaps? we're in a serious relationship, seems he doesn't understand that. time to block him" or something to that effect while looking her square in the eye, and immediately move on with your day.

Note: I wouldn't ask about him or how he got her snapchat; I wouldn't ask if she replies or reads; I wouldn't ask a damn thing. Any questioning from you will seem weak, and besides, after you say that to her she should immediately understand and agree, however if she tries to defend him in any way, this will be an admission of guilt on her part as well as her reneging on what she earlier told you (mainly that he is just some random dude blowing up her phone). At that point you will know for sure if this is a red flag or not.

Don't wait to observe what she will do in this situation, if she is really entertaining this orbiter or not, etc. It may take too long. A proper DJ finds a way to grab life by the balls even after messing up initially.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Though this is true, in application in the real world it is disastrous.
A man should NEVER ask for a relationship. That immediately shuts down the ability to lay down said ground rules. Automatically the power position is in her court. You pursued her. Failure if you even speak one word about the “moral high ground” or what is acceptable. You already lost your power and shifted the entire dynamic to her. It’s done.

Now...if she pressures you for a relationship...BOOM, you have the power position.
I’ve already posted the handling of this.

The first thing out of your mouth should be to her...”you are not ready.”

then talk about the things that you don’t want in your life if she wants to know why you think she’s not ready. I listed them in amother thread. But a man can formulate his own world right there.

Negotiations carry a strict Implication of your presence being withdrawn, emotional attachments lead to arrangements, not negotiation. Relationship is to revel in the height of your game, to have trust without emotional attachment.

Really, your behavior towards her should craft the expectation, you don't physically ghost like a text, but you emotionally ghost her, in front of her and it's not born of the insecurity of an arrangement, it's born of negotiations and the idea that I can readily walk away because I have options.

 

[JohnChops]

If anything, I think the lesson here is, as many others have said, define these things in the beginning or flounder in ambiguity.

Also, for her to transition from having snap chat to not having it, this would require a lot of guilt tripping in my eyes, this is a major source of validation and attention for all women, this is clearly a "Busted" moment unless you put a ton of insecurity on display, which you already recognized as a bad idea.

If she wasn't doing anything wrong, why delete it.

Anyways, glad you are happy with this resolution op.

At this point I’m just not going to bring it up, keep having fun and looking out for any more red flags. I feel like she just deleted it because she just simply doesn’t care. She doesn’t seem to be hiding anything from me and she still seems very affectionate towards me, and not in a guilty kind of way.
like I said, I’ll be on the look out for red flags and act accordingly, I already know I fvcked up by not defining how we would deal with this situation from the beginning. If it comes up again, I’ll redefine.

thanks for all the help and input fellas, always means a lot

 

[Romanemp22]

Guess I was right when I was telling you why the fvck she even need snap

 

[JohnChops]

Guess I was right when I was telling you why the fvck she even need snap

you were man. Even she agreed.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

There was zero implication of negotiations in my post. In fact I would never even recommend a “girlfriend” per say.

Good thing you are in a thread about relationships then.

Also, by not having a girlfriend you are conceding to taking part in negotiating, only difference is you walk away.

 

[Medina]

I go through these situations all the time, except the roles are reversed

"Yeah sorry babe she just won't leave me alone... does it bother you?"

Troll life. Turn those tables amigo