pulled in a girl with a boyfriend, what now?

[mattathensga]

okay, so, I'm new here, first post!
I met a chick in my apartment complex two weeks ago, and within a week, we confessed to have strong feelings for each other. when we first met, she told me she had a boyfriend... I was doing my best to not be a di*k to this guy, who I don't even know, but hey, its out of respect. I wouldn't want some guy doing what I'm doing right now, but its more the fact (now!) that I feel if anyone is to blame for hurting him its her ( or Their relationship). anyways, we've been going at it like crazy, she's spent the last two weekends at my place, and even a few days during the week. ( I work as an automotive Tech, really long hours.)
he's stuck in some half-way house, for violating his probation, arrested for recieving stolen goods. he knows I'm friends with her, at her admitance... but doesn't know, though probably suspects more between us... just my suspicion.
My question is, first, I'm not sure how or why she's staying with him, and I'd like to figure out how to get her to give that information.. she says that he's not done anything wrong to her, but my retort is what is he doing right? and she won't respond.
secondly, I'm doing as much as I feel is appropriate to convince her that I'd like to start a commited relationship, but don't the best approach.
I've told her that I find her amazingly beautiful, and the more I find out about her, the more I like her. each time we've had sex, it gets more passionate, more exhilirating... she has admited to me the last time, while we were in the act, that I was the most amazing lover she has ever had. I've also confessed that I'm going to do everything in my power to show her that she should dump this guy for me. I've also made it clear, that I'm not just waiting on her, and that I still date other women, and we have been completely honest with each other regarding other sexual partners... we are both only involved with each other.
part of me says that shes just using me until he gets released, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want him to live with her ( I heard the phone call where she said this) and she just seems that SHE is scared of too much commitment, in a sense, as she is opposed to living with her boyfriend, since her last relationship, where she lost most of her belongings in a messy break up.
so, how should I handle this? I'm playing it cool, and biding my time, doing small justures to show her that I think of her, and am truely caring of her, but it just doesn't seem to be making me any progress, outside of the repitition that she's with me, and the amount and duration of our sexual experiences. I'm honest when I say I've had my fair share of women, and none have made me feel the way she does, neither emotionally, nor sexually.

PLEASE give a man some guidance!!

 

[mattathensga]

BTW, I've been reading through some posts, and other stuff on this site, what is AFC?? never seen that before whats it stand for??

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

AFC = A Frustrated Chump! A guy who tries but cant get anywhere with women.

 

[Vibe]

Originally posted by mattathensga
BTW, I've been reading through some posts, and other stuff on this site, what is AFC?? never seen that before whats it stand for??

Average Frustrated Chump = comprises about 47% of the male population. These are guys who don't know how to deal with women. They don't "get it" when it comes to what does and doesn't turn women on.

~Vibe~

 

[DonJuanMonk]

Originally posted by mattathensga
okay, so, I'm new here, first post!
I met a chick in my apartment complex two weeks ago, and within a week, we confessed to have strong feelings for each other. when we first met, she told me she had a boyfriend... I was doing my best to not be a di*k to this guy, who I don't even know, but hey, its out of respect. I wouldn't want some guy doing what I'm doing right now, but its more the fact (now!) that I feel if anyone is to blame for hurting him its her ( or Their relationship). anyways, we've been going at it like crazy, she's spent the last two weekends at my place, and even a few days during the week. ( I work as an automotive Tech, really long hours.)
he's stuck in some half-way house, for violating his probation, arrested for recieving stolen goods. he knows I'm friends with her, at her admitance... but doesn't know, though probably suspects more between us... just my suspicion.
My question is, first, I'm not sure how or why she's staying with him, and I'd like to figure out how to get her to give that information.. she says that he's not done anything wrong to her, but my retort is what is he doing right? and she won't respond.
secondly, I'm doing as much as I feel is appropriate to convince her that I'd like to start a commited relationship, but don't the best approach.
I've told her that I find her amazingly beautiful, and the more I find out about her, the more I like her. each time we've had sex, it gets more passionate, more exhilirating... she has admited to me the last time, while we were in the act, that I was the most amazing lover she has ever had. I've also confessed that I'm going to do everything in my power to show her that she should dump this guy for me. I've also made it clear, that I'm not just waiting on her, and that I still date other women, and we have been completely honest with each other regarding other sexual partners... we are both only involved with each other.
part of me says that shes just using me until he gets released, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want him to live with her ( I heard the phone call where she said this) and she just seems that SHE is scared of too much commitment, in a sense, as she is opposed to living with her boyfriend, since her last relationship, where she lost most of her belongings in a messy break up.
so, how should I handle this? I'm playing it cool, and biding my time, doing small justures to show her that I think of her, and am truely caring of her, but it just doesn't seem to be making me any progress, outside of the repitition that she's with me, and the amount and duration of our sexual experiences. I'm honest when I say I've had my fair share of women, and none have made me feel the way she does, neither emotionally, nor sexually.

PLEASE give a man some guidance!!

Cut out the emotional drama from this post and ask a specific question on what you want.

 

[Colinski282]

Not even reading your long post. I for some reason had a tendency to pull chiks with other men for a good while. Anyways I found out what works best.

Act like he doesnt exist, and in your reality, he shouldnt. The only things that should matter are you and her.

 

[RaWBLooD]

Re: Re: pulled in a girl with a boyfriend, what now?

Originally posted by DonJuanMonk
Cut out the emotional drama from this post and ask a specific question on what you want.

so much bump to that

 

[RaWBLooD]

Originally posted by Colinski282
Not even reading your long post. I for some reason had a tendency to pull chiks with other men for a good while. Anyways I found out what works best.

Act like he doesnt exist, and in your reality, he shouldnt. The only things that should matter are you and her.

Why cant you just get single women, women that are actually commited have lots of hott friends.

 

[Colinski282]

because if i want it i get it. Or at least ill give it a shot. I like a challenge and this provides one. Dont get me wrong, im not the type to go out LOOKING for a chik with a man. But if she shows intrest then i havea duty to fulfill

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by mattathensga
...My question is, first, I'm not sure how or why she's staying with him, and I'd like to figure out how to get her to give that information.. she says that he's not done anything wrong to her, but my retort is what is he doing right? and she won't respond. ...

you're trying to argue her into something, or reason her into something. won't work. don't even try. she has needs (please don't ask) that run deeper and stronger than some simplistic "I am better for you than him" laundry list that you're trying to maneuver her into agreeing with.

if anything comes close to a zen koan (! - again, don't ask) it is accepting this: your reasoning won't encompass the dynamics here at play with her -- there are ascertainable reasons, but your's reasoning won't measure it here anytime soon.

... secondly, I'm doing as much as I feel is appropriate to convince her that I'd like to start a commited relationship, but don't the best approach. ...

she's not ready for that with you. that's her job, btw, not yours. whatever you're doing to affect this will drive her away.

also - she's got "drama-inducing" written all over her, in that wherever she goes there will be drama resulting, even if it doesn't seem like she started it. Point in fact: a) she gets involved with some guy who is now in a half-way house; b) she's keeping a place ready for him; c) she's shacking up with someone else in the meantime, d) (there must be more...)

does that read like a daytime soap opera set-up to you? does to me, dude.

... I've told her that I find her amazingly beautiful, and the more I find out about her, the more I like her....

time for someone to cue the theme music from "Guiding Light" or "Days of Our Lives"! i prefer "Lara's Theme" myself - trilling balalaikas and weepy violins can get through to this SexPistol/Clash/Hendrix-loving old crank, hate to say...

anyway, that's a typical AFC move that will drive her away, and make her despise you. we need to take bets on this, I need some weekend money!

oh - and classic symptom of oneitis coming on hard (search on "oneitis", btw) vitamin C and echanascia won't get you out of this.

... each time we've had sex, it gets more passionate, more exhilirating... she has admited to me the last time, while we were in the act, that I was the most amazing lover she has ever had....

classic pattern with sex with crazies. that's how they hook you, and it hooks you deep. i think the greeks recognized this and called them "sirens" (what I call them too -- it's a deep archetype in us, you know.)

... I've also confessed that I'm going to do everything in my power to show her that she should dump this guy for me....

white knight complex ("I'll save you! I'll prove I'm more worthy!") in addition to re-inforcing what i said above

... I've also made it clear, that I'm not just waiting on her, and that I still date other women, and we have been completely honest with each other regarding other sexual partners... we are both only involved with each other. ...

weak disclaimer! - bet she doesn't believe it much let alone hear you when you say it! her instincts, her blood, tells her something much different.

she's crazy, she knows how to hook guys to get what she needs and wants, she's good at it, and she knows her game better than you do.

in fact, your protestations of love and fidelity only confirm her powers and prove how weak a lie your disclaimer is ("I can theoretically think of dating others but I won't have sex!")

... part of me says that shes just using me until he gets released,...

this is your gut speaking, some part of you isn't lying to yourself

......
so, how should I handle this? ...

RUN!

... I'm playing it cool,...

the hell you say

... and biding my time, doing small justures to show her that I think of her, and am truely caring of her, but it just doesn't seem to be making me any progress, outside of the repitition that she's with me, and the amount and duration of our sexual experiences. I'm honest when I say I've had my fair share of women, and none have made me feel the way she does, neither emotionally, nor sexually.

PLEASE give a man some guidance!!

aw dude, that's a painful cry for help from a doomed man, and the bytch of it is that you're going down and we can't stop the inevitable.

when you come out of it in a couple years you'll return here as if from the dead, and from the dead you will freshly be (must be good beer as i am enjoying turning phrases like this.. ) to rise lazarean-like to warn others of the road to the netherworld

and no one but those of us who've already been there will hear you

ok, that was fun, but time to sober up. no apologies for any rudeness above, someone needs to slap you! :kick:

but our efforts warning you won't work, because you're in for a wild, wild, painful (and sexually unbelievable) ride. you'll eventually quit it when the pain outweighs the sexual gratification. the killer: you'll be amazed at how much pain, drama and craziness you will end up tolerating for it.

haven't seen a post like this in a long while.

time now for the guys on the board to step forward and testify about how they narrowly escaped their demon siren from hell.

i had one (no - two, actually) once. eventually I learned to recognize the "call of the siren" inside (it's an unmistakable call - exactly what you're feeling now, guy) and now I stand back at a safe distance and marvel at them on those rare moments when I come across another siren, for they are heavenly and hellish creatures. i liken this to Odyseus being tied to the mast, making his crew fill their ears with candle wax so that he can hear the call of the siren but be unable to free himself to follow their call into enslavement. that's what I do -- stand way back and watch, but do not engage

them old greek myths are still useful

 

[Tomb]

TesuqueRed is right on the money.

 

[Vibe]

Hmmm...I don't know. I think there is still hope for our intrepid emotional adventurer. Everyone has done a good job of explaining where he is headed but nobody has done a thing to explain what he is doing wrong and how he can change that.

Listen, Brother - you have fallen into a trap. It's an emotional trap. You have been roped in with sex and the feelings of false intimacy that she tosses your way as if they are Beggin' Strips. You know - she gives you a little and it just makes you want more?

Well, man - if you want her - if you really want her (despite the drama she is likely to cause, as she obviously puts herself in shady positions), then you must do the same to her.

Think about it, man. Right now you are giving her all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. She is getting gifts, affection, sex, and devotion. In the logical mind of a man, it makes sense that this would show her why she should be in a relationship with you. Right? You are giving her everything you think a woman wants in a relationship. Not so. All you are telling her is "you can use me for now and when your boyfriend gets out of jail, you can toss me on my ass because you never really made any commitment to me."

You are supplicating to her whims and, though convenient to her current aims, it is not attractive. She will never think of you in the same raw way she thinks of her boyfriend.

Your only chance is to cut her off. Make her miss you. Make her realize what it is like when you are gone. It is not enough to say you are dating other girls - she has to FEEL it. She has to feel that you are losing warmth for her. When you don't call her, when you don't give her intense emotional connections, she will feel the pain of loss. She won't have a choice. Don't give her an ultimatum...just stop being her "fake boyfriend." That is what you are doing - it will only end badly.

And if, for whatever reason, she doesn't come back to you, then you are likely better off anyway. She is bad news. Remember, life isn't about her. It's about YOU. Reserve your caring for those who truly care about you.

~Vibe~

 

[mattathensga]

heheh.... yeah, I know I'm screwed... it was supposed to be sarcastic about the AFC comment... I was poking fun at my situation... thanks though for the further awareness.

Lots of resonse in one day! well, thanks to all for the comments and suggestions.
to resond, yeah, I Could easily get a single woman, but if you read my lengthy commentary, you'd see that I really enjoy her company, amongst other things. Look, I've been engaged twice, and am not unaware of how women want to me treated, but this is actually a first for me, trying to pull a girl in a relationship, and it's her first time cheating, or so she says.
I Totally agree with Coliniski282's comments. IF I want it, I'm going to have it.
Lots of great advice from TesqueRed_ btw YOU made me LMAO at myself... you're a good guy, dont know you, but you were friggin funny, and informative... the soap opera comments got my laughing hysterically! yeah, I'm thinking you are right... I've given up on attempting to convince her, or your foresight, that IS her job. yeah, I could use a good slapping to get my friggin head straight.

To Vibe, I don't give her gifts, maytbe I F'ed that up in my rambling, but I'm at least not stupid enough to be throwing away my hard earned cash on something that may not come full circle the way I want it. I'm sticking with you, and tesqueRed's approach, make her work for it, and cutting her off. at least that way I'm not giving in to her desires, and wont be allowing myself to be used, AND limiting the chances that this guy and I end up going toe to toe, which I'm SURE is bound to happen... she and I live in the same building... two doors away from each other. She is aware that I am dating, she's seen me as I was heading off with other women... ahhh I'm totally screwed on this one.... thanks for the feed back, all!

 

[GropeDope]

Bubba gonna f*ck you up after he gets out of the big house and finds out you been sticking it in his b!tch.

 

[mattathensga]

LMAO... eh. NOpe, that wont happen, see, I'm about 3 inches taller, around 25-30 pounds heavier, 4 years older than he is. he's a little junkie, thats why he initially got arrested, and then while on probation, he took some $hit for drug payment that happened to be stolen property, and got caught.. now he's in the halfway house.
that and I work out every day, and am enlisted in the Marines. I'd LOOOOVE to see him start somethin!

 

[griffon65]

Originally posted by Colinski282
Not even reading your long post. I for some reason had a tendency to pull chiks with other men for a good while. Anyways I found out what works best.

Act like he doesnt exist, and in your reality, he shouldnt. The only things that should matter are you and her.

Yes my thought exactly. I've been in the same situation, if you dont want to give up on the physical aspect of this relationship do what he said. You might not get hurt but be prepared for it if you take this approach.

If you want to do the right thing and really want her as your GF then do what vibe said.

 

[WillieSacks]

.

 

[diplomatic_lies]

Originally posted by mattathensga
LMAO... eh. NOpe, that wont happen, see, I'm about 3 inches taller, around 25-30 pounds heavier, 4 years older than he is. he's a little junkie, thats why he initially got arrested, and then while on probation, he took some $hit for drug payment that happened to be stolen property, and got caught.. now he's in the halfway house.
that and I work out every day, and am enlisted in the Marines. I'd LOOOOVE to see him start somethin!

Can a marine stop a bullet with his head?

He's a junkie, so he's got a good chance of being nuts. Shooting you before you get out of your car isn't beyond him.

 

[mattathensga]

yeah, that thought HAS crossed my mind, I'm bright, and strong, but not THAT niave... I am licensed to carry a concealed weapon, I NEVER go anywhere without my sidearm, and I keep an AK-47 in my trunk, and my shotgun sits right behind my front door... that and I know the police force pretty well, so I can keep tabs on him... but this is getting way the F&ck off topic... this isn't a pi$$ing contest...

my update goes like this.... I've cut her off from sex, and she is DYING to get me back into bed, I'll let her think its going that way, then, as its just gettting to that point, I'll stop and come up with some excuse... "gotta get up early and its late... I have to be somewhere soon...etc" and have told her the truth, that I am deeply interested in her, but I want her to be happy, so whatever she decides is cool with me... this tells her that I'm interested in HER feelings before mine, and tells her that I KNOW that she's not the only woman in the world. it seems to be working... I'm seeing her around my place more and more, and she's not thinking of her boyfirend as much... she used to answer every call he made, now she's starting to ignore most of them, especially when shes with me, she doesn't even answer it. at first, I was pu$$y struck, thats what lead me to this site, a few wise words from a few guys that metaphorically "smaked my head straight" and knocked the stupidity out of me, and I'm BAAACK... I'm back to my old self, knowing how to turn the game around on her... not that htis is a "game" to say, but that LIFe is a game, and I've just taken control of the situation. We'll see if this pans out, and if I get what I want...

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

my friend was shot at for messing with a drug junkies girl. There are better women out there...single women at that!