Pullback/distance or leave

[Pm856]

Hey guys.

Lets say you encounter a behaviour that you dont like in a LTR. Is pull back/distance enough to reinforce boundaries or is it necessary to leave. I know it depends from case to case, but it can be really difficult to just leave. Especially since a lot of us have some kind of abandonment issues to begin with.

 

[Lookatu]

Does she know that? That is the first thing that needs to be addressed as it being identified that it bothers you. The last thing is trying to get emotional and argue with a woman. Somewhere in between, there needs to be a dialogue holding her actions accountable. Depending on her attitude and action plan to correct it will determine your next moves.

 

[Pm856]

She knows but keeps pushin in new varieties. Not exactly the same issue but a different character of the same problem. Its like a friend for instance that hangs out with someone you dont like at all yet sayin he is an a***hole

 

[Lookatu]

Give us the specifics so we can tell you if you're right to be bothered by it. Ultimately if she continues and it still bothers you, just leave. Simple as that.
There are way too many guys that develop onenitis and let's the girl get away with too many things and sticks with a toxic relationship.

 

[Black Widow Void]

If you leave, you must have the mindset that she may not return (doing this for the purpose of reverse psychology can backfire). And besides... if she does return, you’ve now created a potentially unhealthy pattern (a continuous off again on again relationship).

If you’re not ready to drop her, my advice is to tell her that you need some (uninterrupted) time to process things. This means not responding to texts etc...

This too can backfire, but it doesn’t have the passive/aggressive tone of walking alway and returning. Instead, you are holding your ground and no matter the outcome, shell respect it and best of all, you’ll respect yourself.

 

[HaleyBaron]

Hey guys.

Lets say you encounter a behaviour that you dont like in a LTR. Is pull back/distance enough to reinforce boundaries or is it necessary to leave. I know it depends from case to case, but it can be really difficult to just leave. Especially since a lot of us have some kind of abandonment issues to begin with.

Always pull back and go silent. Always. Some guys will take her on dinners, some give flowers, some do something romantic, but it never resolved the problem in the long term. There's a girl who I have an on and off with for a long time, and she tried to pull me into her life more to make me follow her tune. I always went quiet on her and remained uncaring. I really didn't care, and she eventually kept coming back.

 

[Dash Riprock]

What's the behavior you don't like? Did she screw your best friend or does she leave dirty plates on the table?

Your response and actions are on a spectrum depending on many things.

First, if you're in a LTR, consider you already have a lot of time and energy invested so unless you're looking for a way out, dumping someone without giving them fair warning is just plain dumb. Not to pick on you OP, but your post kind of reminded me just how little value people see in LTRs and marriage these days that they're willing to crumple them up and throw them away like a used McDonald's bag at the first sign of trouble or over trivial small s*hit.

You'll get varying answers and I am a fan of S&D in some cases but if someone is doing something I don't like to the point of where it's affecting the relationship (and keep in mind YOU likely do s*hit to piss her off too so no one is perfect) I tell them about it; why it pisses me off and why it's bad for the LTR. Going silent in a LTR or marriage doesn't address the main problem or solve anything and is for the most part a feminine tactic. I think I'm more assertive, maybe even too aggressive, than most on this site so I always believe in taking the lion head-on. BUT, be firm and masculine about it, not an over-emotional ranting d*ick. How would James Bond reprimand his LTR chick? He'd be cool, firm, confident, and state what is pissing him off and leave it at that. Then he'd hop in his Aston Martin and have a martini with his hot chick "friend" who's 25 years younger, lol. Do similar.

Give her an opportunity to correct the behavior. If it keeps happening after you've said something, like she doesn't give a s*hit about what you say, then it's time to call a timeout. YOU must call it. Two weeks is the average. If this doesn't resolve things, THEN it may be time to end the relationship and move on. EVERY relationship/LTR has a half-life with the average being 2-5 years. Marriage has divorce peaks at 3 and 8 years. You'll know when time is up.

Good luck.

~Dash~

 

[Georgepithyou]

If you leave, you must have the mindset that she may not return (doing this for the purpose of reverse psychology can backfire). And besides... if she does return, you’ve now created a potentially unhealthy pattern (a continuous off again on again relationship).

If you’re not ready to drop her, my advice is to tell her that you need some (uninterrupted) time to process things. This means not responding to texts etc...

This too can backfire, but it doesn’t have the passive/aggressive tone of walking alway and returning. Instead, you are holding your ground and no matter the outcome, shell respect it and best of all, you’ll respect yourself.

Most women will act up at some point, what is the solution? You can't call her out or leave everytime.

 

[Lookatu]

Most women will act up at some point, what is the solution? You can't call her out or leave everytime.

Be stern, unemotional, and tell her what she did wrong and what the consequences will be if she continues. Be willing to act on it.

Bang your hand on the door or wall if the girl doesn't take you serious to get your point across.

Slap her if you live in Russia and put her in her place.

 

[BadBoy89]

Lets say you encounter a behaviour that you dont like in a LTR. Is pull back/distance enough to reinforce boundaries or is it necessary to leave. I know it depends from case to case, but it can be really difficult to just leave. Especially since a lot of us have some kind of abandonment issues to begin with.

It's only difficult to leave when:

a) you are emotionally attached
b) you are not spinning plates

A woman's whole goal is to give a man the mindset of scarcity. Make him feel she "special" and "important" and "the only girl for him". Then when the man is at his lowest point, she will leave him for another guy. Gives her the ultimate high and POWER trip

This is why men should always spin plates, mindset of abundance.

P.S. I don't have abandonment issues.

 

[RangerMIke]

Never expect that anything you do will yield specific results with women.

If you are in a LTR and have been dating for a few months, unless the chick is crazy (and who wants a crazy chick in a relationship), she already knows what you like and don't like. If she is doing things she KNOWS you don't like she is sending you a message. If you TELL her you don't like it you are wasting your time because she already knows.

Yeah give her some space and see what she does with it. But if you think it is going to actually correct her behavior, well you are kidding yourself... could be that she is losing interest, and giving her space will just accelerate her departure. Which is fine, better to end things sooner than later. So she'll either self-correct and drift off... either way the man will be fine.

 

[manfrombelow]

Hey guys.

Lets say you encounter a behaviour that you dont like in a LTR. Is pull back/distance enough to reinforce boundaries or is it necessary to leave. I know it depends from case to case, but it can be really difficult to just leave. Especially since a lot of us have some kind of abandonment issues to begin with.

Silence & Distance is the only weapon you really have in your arsenal if you have already entered an LTR with a woman. It's also called "Soft Next".

For example, next time she yells at you disrespectfully, you just LEAVE right then and there (assumming you are co-habiting with her and you still have your own place to go to if need be). And when she calls to beg you back, you tell her the next time she does it again, you'll leave for real. And the funny thing is, if she really does it again, you'll have to leave for real REAL.

 

[Georgepithyou]

Silence & Distance is the only weapon you really have in your arsenal if you have already entered an LTR with a woman. It's also called "Soft Next".

For example, next time she yells at you disrespectfully, you just LEAVE right then and there (assumming you are co-habiting with her and you still have your own place to go to if need be). And when she calls to beg you back, you tell her the next time she does it again, you'll leave for real. And the funny thing is, if she really does it again, you'll have to leave for real REAL.

Most men take the advice the wrong way, they think going No Contact makes the woman insanely in love with you when in reality a disinterested girl would just use it as an easy exit for herself.

It doesn't help that a lot of gurus give guys false hope with poorly phrased advice.

 

[Glassguy]

Never expect that anything you do will yield specific results with women.

If you are in a LTR and have been dating for a few months, unless the chick is crazy (and who wants a crazy chick in a relationship), she already knows what you like and don't like. If she is doing things she KNOWS you don't like she is sending you a message. If you TELL her you don't like it you are wasting your time because she already knows.

Yeah give her some space and see what she does with it. But if you think it is going to actually correct her behavior, well you are kidding yourself... could be that she is losing interest, and giving her space will just accelerate her departure. Which is fine, better to end things sooner than later. So she'll either self-correct and drift off... either way the man will be fine.

I agree with this assessment but I will also include how I would personally deal with a woman that I pull back from, or use Silence and Distance on. Now remember that when I use silence and distance, its not a form of passive aggression. I could honest care less what happens next if I use S&D.

Typically the woman will ask whats wrong when you use S&D. The passive aggressive behavior is to say "Nothing" and proceed. IMO this is a very feminine approach and doesnt yield good results. It will lead to the woman acting even more like a child.

I choose to use the adult version of S&D. When I pull back and she asks what is wrong, I just tell her. Not in specific terms because as RangerMike pointed out, she already knows how she acted.

I just simply say "You dont seem to value my time, and that simply does not work for me". Thats it. She can come back with a new tune or bounce her little @ss out into traffic. I'm good either way.
I believe in strong communication but I know that S&D works, so I use a combination of the 2. S&D + CLEAR and DIRECT communication = you set a high standard and she either complies or goes bye.

You win either way.

 

[RangerMIke]

Typically the woman will ask whats wrong when you use S&D. The passive aggressive behavior is to say "Nothing" and proceed. IMO this is a very feminine approach and doesnt yield good results. It will lead to the woman acting even more like a child.

I choose to use the adult version of S&D. When I pull back and she asks what is wrong, I just tell her. Not in specific terms because as RangerMike pointed out, she already knows how she acted.

Agreed. If she comes back and asks you "what is wrong?" she's still interested. But she already knows what the problem is because sane women are not stupid. If she asks be honest... because she is just testing you to see if you are going to tell her what she already knows. At that point she will either self-correct, or start a fight... if there is a fight... walk away because it will not get better.