Problems with disrespect from wife

[heroshima]

Well it's been about 9 months and I have been meaning to give you guys an update on this situation.

I am still with my wife but things, on the whole, are much better for me now than they were a year ago when I was in the midst of the situation with guitar man. I've done a lot of work on myself. Also, I've worked to unravel some of the unproductive and destructive parts of my relationship with my wife.

I can say that, aside from my own motivation to change, I have acquired a lot of inspiration from the Game community, the manosphere, or what have you. I can honestly say that Roissy's The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon is absolute gold. Most of the changes that I've made reflect what I learned from that list. http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/

I'd also like to mention the excellent writing and information that is coming from Rollo http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/ and Shark http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/

My outlook has changed and I've learned much about my own life and my interactions with women. The last year has been a huge challenge but I am grateful to be unplugging from the Matrix.

 

[Rubirosa]

It's great to hear that things are better...good job bro, but can you possibly elaborate ?

 

[heroshima]

Let my try to give a rundown of what worked for me.

At first I had to really disconnect from her to get some distance on the situation. As soon as I started in that direction she started to notice. All the while I was investigating to see how deep/intimate their relationship had become. I felt relatively sure that this situation had not gone too far and that my relationship was worth salvaging.

I worked on myself. Working out, spending time with friends, spending time alone, started taking better care of myself, dropped 10 pounds, bought some better clothes and shoes.

I worked to destroy her pedestal. C&F and A&A helped a lot with that.

I also told her that I was not interested in any interaction with guitar man. I told her that I didn't trust him and would never come to any of her shows. I backed off and let her think about this.

She was noticing the changes I had been making. I also started to interact with other women more. I saw that I could easily have started new relationships and that helped break me out of the ONEitis.

She decided to stop playing music with guitar man and told him they could no longer be friends.

I had a much better hand in the relationship. After that it has been really about fine tuning. I keep learning about Game and leveling the field.

There have been speed bumps along the way. At times I have had to lean into her. At times the punishment has been severe. I've also rewarded her when she is moving in the right direction.

For the most part I am much stronger and she is supplicating to me. My work now is to balance her anxiety with a bit of reward.

I have definitely learned how to "caffeinate" her hamster.

 

[heroshima]

I know some of you are going to flame me for staying with her. I got plenty of that input.

I thought about leaving her many times and put that clearly on the table with her. The idea of divorce scared her and I could see that she didn't want our relationship to end.

I also looked very hard at how far their relationship had gone. I am relatively certain that she didn't fvck him. That being said I do feel like there was "emotional infidelity". There are times when I still feel resentful and I question if I should be in this relationship.

In the end I really had to leave it up to my gut. I pay much better attention to it now. That was a big lesson for me. I really didn't do a good job of paying attention to my gut when she was developing the relationship with guitar man. The thing I'm the most angry about is that I didn't listen to my gut and respond more quickly. I ignored my gut feeling that I didn't trust the guy and didn't want her hanging around him.

Even still my gut tells me to stay with her. She and I have had a powerful relationship. I have always been very attracted to her and we have a very good sex life. Also, she is a great mother to my two boys. My situation is definitely complicated by the fact that we have children.

All that being said, I feel like I've made a big change in my life. She treats me very well now and demonstrates her interest level in me often.

I want to encourage you guys to trust your gut and be honest with what you think with your girl. Letting my wife know exactly where I stood changed the relationship. Now, I let her know clearly what I like and don't like and she responds very well to that attitude.

 

[macagent]

Just want to back up heroshima's process here. We're pretty good mates, and hang out fairly often, so I can say with certainty the changes he speaks of are fact. He has made great strides working on himself, and continues to do the work, which has allowed him to mold his life and relationship into something far more fitting for him. He has become a different and better man, and has inspired me on my own journey of awakening. From what I see his wife is now all about pleasing him, and being a good wife and partner. Observing them interact now is so different from a year ago. He has the frame back, and is driving the relationship. From my perspective this is a success story, and I know the advice, encouragement, and maybe even the flaming too, has helped a great deal on his road to healing.

Love ya bro! keep up the good work

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Glad to see you're in a better place now. I'm not sure I agree with your sticking it out with her, but if you were going to (for your sons) at least it's on your terms, not hers.

Well done.

 

[heroshima]

Glad to see you're in a better place now. I'm not sure I agree with your sticking it out with her, but if you were going to (for your sons) at least it's on your terms, not hers.

Rollo, can you tell me why you wouldn't stick it out with her? What would you be watching out for? Do you think too much damage has already been done?

 

[cordoncordon]

This marriage is over in less than seven months. I don't care even if he had to hire actresses to play the role of other women interested in him. He has made severe mistakes. She has, and will continue, to have sex with other men. I had sex with a married woman last year, I know exactly what she's doing. She has the cards, and she knows how to use them. She's a smart one. By the way, even if she has sex with him everyday, it still doesn't subside her craving another man's covk. What subsides that is FEAR.

You will see a divorce thread from him before the Summer, if not, he will find out she is cheating and will KEEP her for the sake of children. Just like the married woman I banged and her husband. This man needs a complete change of character. He needs to go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and spit on the mirror, for being a weak man. He should read my first post over and over again if he wants to save his marriage. She is playing this guy like you won't believe. Why did she all of a sudden say "okay, you win, I won't see him"? Because she understood that he is finally figuring this all out. The fuvking ***** that she is. What 40 yr old woman pursues a singing career with a single man while she has two kids at home? The one that craves a strange covk.


Women never lie. They can lie to you with words, but can never lie in their actions. They're not savy as us men. Men try to rationalize women's bad behavior. They say things like "it's her hobby, she's just doing this because of..... or because of......" what they don't understand is her ACTIONS. There is no reason on this God's green earth why a 40 yr old married woman should be out late at night with a single man. Especially if she had two kids at home. WAKE THE FUVK UP!

Wrongo!

 

[sull313]

Wow, this story has many similarities to what happened to my 17 year relationship.. It seems Heroshima has pulled it back from the brink (for better or for worse, his call).
A married or LTR man needs to be on the lookout constantly for rival predators or he will pay the price of his complacency.
In a nutshell: My partner of 17yrs began spending a LOT of time on the 'net in the Second Life virtual reality game, to the point of obsession.
It got to the point where she would come to bed at 3am, and then be on it most of the day. Turned out that she had a "friend" on there..
She would go on about what they did in this virtual world, make business's house etc, and just hang out..
Progressed from chat to voice communication, this guy was in Germany, us in Australia.
To cut a long story short, they are now married, and I see my 4yo daughter once a week... this was three years ago.

 

[Colossus]

Sull313 put an age on your profile please. Forum rules.

Also, glad to read about your progress HEROSHIMA. I remember following this thread with great interest last year. Always awesome to read about successful "hand" reversals.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Many of us could debate whether or not we'd "stick it out" if we were in Heroshima's shoes. But that's really neither here nor there.

All I'll say about it is this:

It's always better to be in the position of deciding whether or not you want to stay with someone as opposed to being in the position of wondering if they want to stay with YOU.

For successfully managing to maneuver himself into the relationship's top position, Heroshima should be commended. Historically, I've found that only a small number of men have the kind of dogged determination to even pull off a successful TURNAROUND.

And...regardless of what the future holds, the intestinal fortitude that he's built just by completing the process will ensure that he'll be able to get female companionship whenever he wants it---------whether he chooses for his wife to continue to be "that woman" or not.

All the best to him.


V.U.

 

[5string]

VU says it best as usual.

I for one will not second guess heroshima's decisions at this point. I wish him the best and happy for him.

My old boss always told me it's better to make a decision than none at all.

 

[heroshima]

I appreciate the feedback.

It has felt like a rollercoaster at times, for sure. But I do know that I feel dramatically different than I did when I was in the midst of it.

It should come as no surprise that when I was expressing feelings of hurt and jealousy to my wife that she responded with mostly derision and a little bit of sympathy. And when I decided that I didn't need to be a victim and that I had inherent value her stance toward me changed.

A big part of the anger that I have experienced has been toward myself. Falcon25 blasted me more than once for letting the situation get out of hand. He wrote "He needs to go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and spit on the mirror, for being a weak man." I actually did that one day.

I can't emphasize enough to you guys out there in LTRs that you can't let your self coast. And don't let your woman get too comfortable. Keep some pressure on her to impress you. Place demands on her and don't compromise.

My relationship had been quite good for a long time. She followed my lead in many ways. I feel I went wrong when we had kids. I sort of gave up the lead to her thinking that she was the mother and I didn't know how to raise babies. That was probably appropriate for the time when they were actually babies but I never really shifted back into a leadership role until the sh!t hit the fan. I coasted with the thought "I'm not sure what to do now".

My wife obviously expressed the fact that she is not attracted to the type of man that is "not sure what to do". Now that I'm standing up again and hungering for life again, her attraction and compliance has been re-invigorated.

I quote the rapper Xzibit: Lose sight of what you believe and call it a night.

Don't take your eyes off the target.

Don't get caught coasting. If you do, you will find yourself being passed up.

 

[CJ 101]

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/women-want-you-to-cheat/

Here is my five point plan for saving faltering marriages:

1. Stop giving compliments, flattery, and gifts.
2. Come home from work late every night.
3. Buy yourself new, stylish clothes.
4. Cheat. If she asks, deny. No need to confess to the wife. She’ll be able to smell the competitor vaj juice on you.
5. After three months of executing the above four points, unexpectedly tell your wife her ass looks great.

I challenge any multiple credentialed psychotherapists to prove me wrong. My simple five point system based in a clearheaded understanding of male-female biosocial differences VERSUS the peer reviewed, academically accredited expertise practiced by the husband-shaming marriage counseling industry. Mano a mangino.

Take advice and you'll do well.

 

[marmel75]

I can tell you that going to the gym and going out with the fellas will get her jealous pretty quick...especially if you have girls flirting with you...make sure you tell her about it to...it will make her realize you can ger it from other places toi...my wife has almost raped me before I went out a few times so I "don't get any ideas"..and you want to talk about turning up the freakmeter?? She started doing stuff without me even asking...

Once you get muscles and get in shape you will get a LOT more attention from females and she will definitely notice...my wife always tells me I need to stop lifting because I am getting "too muscular"...ya right...more like getting "too much attention" from other women...she even tells me she notices other women looking at me when we go out now...too funby

 

[Nutz]

Since the thread was bumped, here's the updated link for the Roissy/Heartiste article:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/women-want-you-to-cheat/