Problem with new GF

[Drumzarecool]

Ok gents, I'm gonna make the intro short so I can get to the point. I'll put facts in bullet form to make them easy for referral.

-Met girl had sex first date (both in our mid 40's)
-Wonderful woman, fantastic personality; I'm super attracted to her and she to me; She's a career woman, very established; a REAL keeper
-I'm Divorced, she's been divorced 8 years; her last LTR was 3 yrs ago
-Not one to have a boyfriend very often, yet hot
-She put "In a Relationship with" me on FB on week 3
-Week 3 dropped "I Love You' on me (I reciprocated)
-Week 3 asked me when my lease was up, started talking moving in with her
-A week ago told me "I have searched for you for decades"
-Week 3 took me to Sams, put me on her card, then led me over to the jewelry cabinet
-This is week 9

Last Sunday (a week ago yesterday) she suddenly became a little distant after mind blowing sex the night before. During this past week, I could feel a little distance, not as much "honey, baby" as usual but still saying ILY to me. So Saturday night, she pissed me off not knowing about an event I was in on Sunday. It wasn't so much about the event, as it was just another product of her mind being elsewhere all week and it just set me off. So I called her out on it and she just defended herself. So we didn't talk/text all day long yesterday (first time that has happened, we talk and text every day we're not together). We don't fight and there's no drama.

So I texted her this morning just to say have a good day, nothing major. She replied later nicely and like she normally would.

Now I wanna just stop texting her and let her do all the work. But I also know she likes the man to take the lead. A female friend of mine said "Sit her down, tell her you love her very much, but you're not gonna put up with a woman who is distant and that you can also do just fine without her."
I like that approach, but I still think the back WAAAAAAAAAY off and let her do the work will work the best.

Ok guys......thoughts? :nervous:

 

[Drumzarecool]

Dude, I am scared as HELL to move in with her now! It's HER house!

So, just let her do all the texting/contacting from now on? Just do the "If she wants me, she'll let me know" approach???

 

[Atom Smasher]

Op, your age needs to be in your profile to post in Mature Man. Please enter it in. Thanks.

 

[Drumzarecool]

Ok....I can't seem to get over to where I need to be to post my age in my profile???

 

[Drumzarecool]

Ok, found it.....

 

[Atom Smasher]

You must not have saved it. I still don't see it.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

She put "In a Relationship with" me on FB on week 3 :woo:

-Week 3 dropped "I Love You' on me (I reciprocated) :nervous: Wow you said it back, that's lighting fast.

-Week 3 asked me when my lease was up, started talking moving in with her. :nervous:

-A week ago told me "I have searched for you for decades" :nervous: That's kinda creepy if a guy said that to a chick he be dumped the next day.

-Week 3 took me to Sams, put me on her card, then led me over to the jewelry cabinet? Huh why did she bring you there?

DAMN she's on the fast train man! Everyones different but sh*t the earliest I've ever heard ILY is probably more like the 7-9 week mark. Are you sure she isn't on he rebound train trying forget about someone?

How many times a week are you seeing her? I'd tread lightly have some fun BUT DO NOT be surprised when the sh*t hits the fan.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Drums are cool,
Wow you seem to be sticking your head in a noose...reads like Drums along the Rio Grande with you getting scalped as a finale...The only redeeming feature is that it's her place,you can always bail!

 

[MikeOck]

It should be obvious to anyone that this is moving WAY too fast. The big rush is a major red flag. Just to be clear, she is NOT "in love" with you, she is in love with the idea she has of you in her mind. She can't possibly know enough about you in 3 weeks (or 9, or 26....) to know that you are the man of her dreams (and vice versa).

What should you do? Slow it down. WAAAAAY DOWN. Keep your lease, keep your place, but also keep dating her. Get to know her better without the pressure of rushing things, which no doubt is adding major stress to you both. If she has been waiting decades for YOU, she can wait a bit longer. If you are still crazy about each other in a year or two (once the honeymoon phase ends), you can choose how to progress from there.

 

[Drumzarecool]

Well, something is up, cuz she didn't text me last night either. I don't like this silence between us for the past couple of days. It's not normal, we usually text a couple of times per night. I'm kinda falling apart here, feeling the dread, like it's a break-up.

What do I do? Pull back and let her make all the contact?

 

[samosa]

Sounds like she has idealised you in her mind. In which case, you have a problem - it will be impossible to live up to the perfect image she has/had of you. And when you fail - as is inevitable since none of us is perfect - she will devalue you rapidly and harshly. This is my expectation. This can be brutal, and the longer you are with her the worse it will be.

There are a lot of bright red flags her and the correct action is probably to :woo:

But it's likely you won't do that yet, and will hang around for further proof. If so, keep your wits about you and stay level-headed. When damaging cluster B type relationships begin, they tend to begin like this..

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Well, something is up, cuz she didn't text me last night either. I don't like this silence between us for the past couple of days. It's not normal, we usually text a couple of times per night. I'm kinda falling apart here, feeling the dread, like it's a break-up.

What do I do? Pull back and let her make all the contact?

Seems like you've been gone ghost on.

The way I see it, you've got a two options.

1) Call her and profess your undying love, and beg for her glorious hand in marriage

2) Put her on the back burner and start looking for a replacement.

 

[Willard]

When a woman in her forties tells you she loves you after 3 weeks, there's something wrong with her and she doesn't love you. samosa is right about cluster B's starting like that.

Your only choice is to go no contact. She will most likely contact you again, you really shouldn't take her seriously anymore, you could always keep her as a fWB, but it's time to look elsewhere for a serious relationship.

 

[Drumzarecool]

******update******

 

[Drumzarecool]

Ok. But if I have a convo face to face, I'm gonna tell it like it is:

"Woman.....YOU have been distant since last Sunday and I don't like it. I don't accept that kind of behavior from a woman who professes to love me and has made future plans with me. And that is why I have slowed down on communication."

That's the truth. Now.....is it WISE for me to put that out there like that?

I think it's pretty ballsy myself. But you guys tell me.....?

 

[Drumzarecool]

OR.........How bout this answer to her text:

"Hey, yeah, sorry.....Damn busy round this place. Sunday was go non-stop. And then PO's, letter jackets, organizing trips, and testing have been eating my lunch, lol!
Sure, you can call me if you want, I oughta be home round 6 or so."

THAT sounds like an Alpha-male answer to me. What do you guys think? Which one?

 

[ProDJ26]

^^^^^^^

Always a mistake NEVER put the blame on a woman. She'll resent you for it and it never works out. Talk it out and let her vent. If she needs to "think" more than likely their's someone else. Like I said let her talk it out but if it happens again I'd consider my options. Sounds like the both of you are at a point in your lives where you're ready to settle down. No need to rush things my man take it for what it's worth.

 

[Willard]

Just text her "ok", then act like there is no problem when she calls. If she asks what you have been doing just say "I've been keeping busy". Your ignoring her major red flags like saying I love you and wanting to move in together after 3 weeks.

Most likely she is a high conflict person and trying to put her into her place is going to feed into her need for conflict. acting like you don't care is going to give you the position of power. Remember the person who cares less in the relationship has the power.

 

[Drumzarecool]

Thanks guys.

To be fair, she is playing it slowly about me moving in. We've done a lot of discussing before we jump yet. But it is awfully early. She kept saying: "At our age, if we know then we know. No sense in waiting until 6 months to move in."
Although I agree with that cuz I'm old, now I'm scared ****LESS to move into HER house with that kind of acting.

 

[wakingup]

I'm just coming off a divorce at 31 years old from a Cluster B (Histrionic and BiPolar, both diagnosed professionally from multiple doctors) wife of 1.5 years. The earlier comment about the pedestal she puts you on then blames you for not being perfect is 100% reality with some women. The very things she praised me for in the first 2 months were the same things she hated about me six years later. Specifically, these things were wanting to own a home, wanting children, having a close-knit family (parents and siblings), and continuing to be an accomplished musician. She fell in love with me because of these things, then left me because of these things (saying that they took more importance over her, which quite the opposite was true as I stopped playing music and saw my family less and stopped wanting kids with her).

I'm now left with fewer friends, a somewhat strained relationship with my family because of the various events/experiences I chose to miss out on on behalf of my ex-wife, and I'm just starting to play music again after 2 years of not playing. I'm also no closer to having a family (which is fine for me for now, but still an ultimate goal of mine).

All this to say, just be careful and if things seem too good to be true, they are. Watch her actions and make sure they jive with her statements.