Prize Mentality Gone Awry - GF's Confidence Shaken

[PhatE1vis]

During a conversation with my gf yesterday, she mentioned that she thought I was better than her: smarter, funnier, better looking, etc. She also said I settled. I could tell she was serious because she got a little sad looking and her voice quavered.

I'm always trying to project my confidence, which attracts people to me. My gf has seen women approach me (and get shot down) and I think that freaks her out.

At the same time, I try to build up the people who are closest to me, especially her. Support her goals, build her confidence, make her know that she's my number one.

My question is, should I be concerned about her perception? Can we have a healthy relationship if her confidence isn't where it should be?

Thanks, fellas.

 

[MacAvoy]

A little history please, how long have you been dating her? I had a look at some of your other threads and didn't see you acquire a new g/f. Is this your old oneitis that you contacted you last fall? Is it the girl that you had the power struggle with that joked about a pirate tatoo?

 

[Mr. Me]

During a conversation with my gf yesterday, she mentioned that she thought I was better than her

What was the conversation about that she'd mention that?

she got a little sad looking and her voice quavered.

Don't read anything into that.

build her confidence, make her know that she's my number one.

She has low self-esteem?

My question is, should I be concerned about her perception?

No! I think you'd want your woman to think she's got herself a catch, no?

Can we have a healthy relationship if her confidence isn't where it should be?

"Healthy", by definition, would require her to be healthy, assuming you're healthy too. But you could do "functioning relationship".

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

During a conversation with my gf yesterday, she mentioned that she thought I was better than her: smarter, funnier, better looking, etc. She also said I settled. I could tell she was serious because she got a little sad looking and her voice quavered.

Be VERY careful of this. This is a common tactic used to establish frame by LSE women. The idea is that you'll constantly be proving to her that you didn't settle for her at every perceived slight. In practice this means you'll put off other opportunities to prove she's worth it. It's a grab at security and relief from competition anxiety. I've got a guy who works for me right now who's in a mismatched LTR and his live in GF does this constantly. She's overweight and insecure; he's in fantastic shape, makes a good deal of money and is a D.J. (as in the clubs) so he's exposed to a lot of social proof. Her only real method for keeping his security and interest is shaming him, but this is a reversal in that he's shamed for being 'too perfect'. If a guy can be kept in a suspended state of being responsible for her happiness by way of pity, he's just as controlled as the guy with the hot GF who he must always placate and qualify to.

 

[MacAvoy]

I concur with RT (wow twice in a day lol j/k) It reminds me of the hockey date girl, she had LSE, she was always wondering why I wanted her. It got annoying quickly and I let her know that it was a major turn off.

I would explain to her why you like her but if she continues to come to you asking why you are settling for her, tell her that its unattractive, turning you off and if she keeps it up, you will leave. I would then reinforce the good qualities why you are with her, then leave it at that.

(Classic selling technique, sell hype, address shortcomings, then give a good close).

Others might pipe in that you shouldn't play Captain Sav a Ho but she's obviously your g/f and brings qualities to the table, so I'm trusting your judgement when I offer my advice.

 

[ketostix]

I concur with RT (wow twice in a day lol j/k) It reminds me of the hockey date girl, she had LSE, she was always wondering why I wanted her. It got annoying quickly and I let her know that it was a major turn off.

I agree that the last thing you want to do is prove she's worth it. This is an examples for how a man is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. If he conveys too much higher value she gives him grief, and if he conveys lower value she loses attraction. But a woman can convey lower value as a tool to get leverage, validation and security. I think this case is really just a woman trying to betatize or bring out the AFC in her high value BF. Basically a sh1t test in a diferent wrapper.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Well put.

 

[PhatE1vis]

Good points. Thing is, I've been with her for awhile (years, without giving away too much to identify myself) and this has only been a recent development.

IMO, we're both on the same "level" when it comes to all the qualities she's talking about. The only difference is I'm more outgoing and tend to attract more attention. It's never been an issue before though.

I did put my foot down and told her it pisses me off to hear her talk that way, and I won't have it. I'm just afraid that now she'll continue to feel that way but just not vocalize it.

How would this be used for leverage? I don't see what she gets from saying that I'm better than her. I don't play into it...it actually makes me mad and she knows it.

 

[PhatE1vis]

For a little more background - we've been together for a few years. We were watching something on TV with some hot chick when she launched into these comments, but it's not the first time I've heard them from her.

 

[Eddie417]

IMO, we're both on the same "level" when it comes to all the qualities she's talking about.

Hmmm...I smell danger in that sentence. Personally I would just tell her she's being silly and try and steer away from the whole conversation. It's a form of drama and drama needs to be discouraged. The fact that you are with her and treat her well is all the validation she should need. This is no different than her asking you to buy her stuff. Don't do it.

 

[ketostix]

How would this be used for leverage? I don't see what she gets from saying that I'm better than her. I don't play into it...it actually makes me mad and she knows it.

Well she could have some issues about this, but how it would be leverage is she would get you to pump up her self-esteem, get you to display lower value with the result being she would lose attraction if that makes sense. Have you tried ignoring it and blowing it off, or maybe making a joke about it, "Yeah I know, I'm way cooler than you are"?

 

[mzilla2]

I'm with RT, mostly, based on what you'se said she seems LSE. dunno if you want hte hassle of trying raise hers - not much you can do about it, its up to her really - you don't want to run the risk and burden of encouraging her and having her blame YOU for her shortcomings or failures...

In an LTR tho, women do need a bit more maintenance, "Good job, honey" or "I bet you can do it!".

On a side note, good luck meeting a woman today who DOES NOT require daily explicit external validation and affirmation.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

We were watching something on TV with some hot chick when she launched into these comments, but it's not the first time I've heard them from her.

Aww man, been there and done that. Major red flag. Nip this in the bud now. You will hear no end to this insecurity if you don't. It will only escalate to social situations after this. I've never been more sure of anything on SoSuave before.

 

[Mr. Me]

We were watching something on TV with some hot chick when she launched into these comments

Ah! Don't let her catch you staring, panting and drooling at the TV next time. Just kidding. That sounds like an insecurity, i.e., "Am I as pretty as her?"

I wouldn't make a flip joke about it in handling it, not to an insecure woman. They seem to lose their sense of humor about these things.

You're in a LTR with this woman, and no one is 100%, so if things with her are otherwise going great, and this need of hers now and then for validation is do-able for you, then I'd suggest handling it this way:

First, let me ask you for an observation. How does she demonstrate her love for you? Does she give you compliments? Does she do little neck massages? Buy you little surprise gifts? I'm betting she does a few things, but primarily probably pays you compliments. Do the same back. Praise her now and then when she doesn't expect it. Don't over do it. Compliment her dress or hair, for example. Complimenting her on the positive things you like about her, that will help reinforce those aspects as well.

"did put my foot down and told her it pisses me off to hear her talk that way" - That negates how she feels. It invalidates her. It's a negative. She feels how she feels and that's how it is and she's expressing it to you. You have to be empathetic instead. That doesn't mean you agree with her. She's looking for validation, that's all. It's an emotional need of hers.

Your sense that she may clam up may be right, and if she starts being quiet about how she feels, she'll end up resenting you out of frustration and anger. That will kill the relationship.

The key is that you're in a relationship, this is not a plate. As such, there's long term care that's needed to keep this engine running, she needs a little extra greasing now and then.

 

[joekerr31]

Be VERY careful of this. This is a common tactic used to establish frame by LSE women. The idea is that you'll constantly be proving to her that you didn't settle for her at every perceived slight. In practice this means you'll put off other opportunities to prove she's worth it. It's a grab at security and relief from competition anxiety. I've got a guy who works for me right now who's in a mismatched LTR and his live in GF does this constantly. She's overweight and insecure; he's in fantastic shape, makes a good deal of money and is a D.J. (as in the clubs) so he's exposed to a lot of social proof. Her only real method for keeping his security and interest is shaming him, but this is a reversal in that he's shamed for being 'too perfect'. If a guy can be kept in a suspended state of being responsible for her happiness by way of pity, he's just as controlled as the guy with the hot GF who he must always placate and qualify to.

awesome post RT.

she's pulling a ball buster move on you. by making you responsible for emotional state, she's enslaving you. you don't realize it, but by giving in to this behavior you are in essence saying 'you are such a prize that i'll go through this annoying process of constantly having to reassure you that there is no one else for me but you.'

if you were to do this for say six months, im telling you, you'll be shocked how you actually do become dependent on her.

the best way to deal with this is to call her out on her behavior. simply say 'honey, this is a problem. im with you. so i obviously find you attractive. i obviously like you as a person. but if you can't see that and instead choose to believe the polar opposite of reality, there is nothing i can do. you need to think about maybe talking to a psychologist about these feelings of insecurity you are having."

 

[iqqi]

Ah! Don't let her catch you staring, panting and drooling at the TV next time. Just kidding. That sounds like an insecurity, i.e., "Am I as pretty as her?"

I wouldn't make a flip joke about it in handling it, not to an insecure woman. They seem to lose their sense of humor about these things.

You're in a LTR with this woman, and no one is 100%, so if things with her are otherwise going great, and this need of hers now and then for validation is do-able for you, then I'd suggest handling it this way:

First, let me ask you for an observation. How does she demonstrate her love for you? Does she give you compliments? Does she do little neck massages? Buy you little surprise gifts? I'm betting she does a few things, but primarily probably pays you compliments. Do the same back. Praise her now and then when she doesn't expect it. Don't over do it. Compliment her dress or hair, for example. Complimenting her on the positive things you like about her, that will help reinforce those aspects as well.

"did put my foot down and told her it pisses me off to hear her talk that way" - That negates how she feels. It invalidates her. It's a negative. She feels how she feels and that's how it is and she's expressing it to you. You have to be empathetic instead. That doesn't mean you agree with her. She's looking for validation, that's all. It's an emotional need of hers.

Your sense that she may clam up may be right, and if she starts being quiet about how she feels, she'll end up resenting you out of frustration and anger. That will kill the relationship.

The key is that you're in a relationship, this is not a plate. As such, there's long term care that's needed to keep this engine running, she needs a little extra greasing now and then.

Good post. I concur, you should be sensitive to how she is feeling, especially if this isn't normal for her.

She may be going through some things, everyone does.

Don't be too hard on her for feeling a little insecure, however it IS up to HER to make herself feel better about herself.

You say that she is on your level as far as all the great traits about you go. Does she know you feel this way? In other words, she just told you how great she thinks you are. Does she know that YOU think the same, and just as highly of her?

She could very well be feeling insecure about YOU and the LTR, and not herself.

One of the most imortant parts of a LTR is how you make your partner feel about themselves.

 

[guru1000]

During a conversation with my gf yesterday, she mentioned that she thought I was better than her: smarter, funnier, better looking, etc. She also said I settled. I could tell she was serious because she got a little sad looking and her voice quavered.

I'm always trying to project my confidence, which attracts people to me. My gf has seen women approach me (and get shot down) and I think that freaks her out.

At the same time, I try to build up the people who are closest to me, especially her. Support her goals, build her confidence, make her know that she's my number one.

My question is, should I be concerned about her perception? Can we have a healthy relationship if her confidence isn't where it should be?

Thanks, fellas.

It will remain healthy as long as her insecurities do not create eating disorders and/or plastic surgery. I have been down this road and it was not worth repeating.

If you are into this girl and want to make her a keeper, I would build her confidence up.

Women are more insecure than men, and usually the hotter the woman , the more insecurities she has.

 

[drmeathead]

awesome post RT.

she's pulling a ball buster move on you. by making you responsible for emotional state, she's enslaving you. you don't realize it, but by giving in to this behavior you are in essence saying 'you are such a prize that i'll go through this annoying process of constantly having to reassure you that there is no one else for me but you.'

if you were to do this for say six months, im telling you, you'll be shocked how you actually do become dependent on her.

the best way to deal with this is to call her out on her behavior. simply say 'honey, this is a problem. im with you. so i obviously find you attractive. i obviously like you as a person. but if you can't see that and instead choose to believe the polar opposite of reality, there is nothing i can do. you need to think about maybe talking to a psychologist about these feelings of insecurity you are having."

i agree that is a major red flag. i agree that you become dependant. ive hooed and hawed about BPD in other posts. i am not saying this girl is but i am saying that i have been in a relationship with a BPD. they pull this **** all the time. this i am no good and you too good and blah blah blah **** till you are trapped as joekerr says.

you become dependant on their insecure emotional state. i would say is a beta male move but the sad part is you don even realize it until it is too late. you end up a beta male.

then you become insecure. she can sense the blood in the water. you sense she senses it. you life becomes hell as you lose all trust in her because you know her insecure ass is out being branch swinger.

it took me along time to get over my situation. do yourself a favor man. get out now. you cannot build anything worth having on bad foundation. personally i cant think of any worse foundation thant LSE.

 

[PhatE1vis]

You say that she is on your level as far as all the great traits about you go. Does she know you feel this way? In other words, she just told you how great she thinks you are. Does she know that YOU think the same, and just as highly of her?

She could very well be feeling insecure about YOU and the LTR, and not herself.

One of the most imortant parts of a LTR is how you make your partner feel about themselves.

I try to make her feel the same and realize that I think as highly of her as she does me, but maybe I'm falling down there.

Thing is, I'm pretty athletic and value everything that goes along with that, including looking good. She knows I like a good tight athletic female body. And she has it, keeps herself in good shape.

The reason I think Iqqi and Mr. Me may be on to something here is that she's SO level headed about everything else in life, which is one of the things I really like about her. Only recently has she started going in this direction, talking about getting a tummy tuck and other crazy sh!t like that. When it comes up I make sure she knows I love her body the way it is, but maybe I need to be more proactive.

The reason I think it may NOT be a manipulative tactic is that she's never exhibited that behaviour before...it's just not her style. In all the time I've been with her, she's never been anything but genuine and altruistic.

There's some work to be done here, I'm sure. Thanks for helping me sort through this, you guys rock!

 

[MacAvoy]

She knows I like a good tight athletic female body. And she has it, keeps herself in good shape.

...

Only recently has she started going in this direction, talking about getting a tummy tuck and other crazy sh!t like that.

WOW, did RT ever call it right. This girl really has Low Self Esteem. Your telling us she has a good tight athletic female body and yet she talks about getting a tummy tuck.

I would be very wary of this girl. I wouldn't marry her. So the question is, (fact she makes you happy) what are you looking for? Are you happy with this relationship? Are you happy knowing that its very likely going to end someday because of her LSE?

I think you need to do some soul searching in terms of what you want from her. You can't get her to change her LSE, you can try boosting her ego but its not going to make a difference given how huge her issue with it is. She's going to have to come to terms with it on her own, whenever she's ready.

I'm not telling you to ditch her, but you need to do some real reflecting I think bud. Just trying to speak the truth without being too harsh. I know I've been in relationships and I doubt I would listen to others telling me to walk away, however if I pick up on signs, I usually stop putting myself out there so much emotionally and just go through the motions with her.