Prescreening for "ex" baggage

[49au]

... to avoid this. Some of those stories are funny, some are psycho, and some are legit scary. I'm sure there are plenty more such confessions all around the internet.

I'm sure some of these women would display massive red flags very early on, but maybe some wouldn't. And some are electing to stay with their boyfriend even though they have these feelings for someone else and are confused.

As you are getting to know a woman, what are some good ways to find out about her past relationships and gauge her ability to focus solely on your relationship? It seems kind of bad to ask about her other relationships within the first few weeks or months, before you're even officially together. But if she's one of those women who is very good at masking her issues for a long time, it seems good to feel her out before you get very serious.

 

[Iceberg]

All you can evaluate women on is how they treat you. You can't live your life from a defensive standpoint, digging for things that MIGHT hurt you. All you can be is smart. Don't get all emotional over every pretty face you sleep with. And treat dating like experimentation. Don't look at each chick from the standpoint of "potential wife". Look at them as books you're reading. You're enjoying them, you're learning more...sometimes you wanna see how it ends. Sometimes you get bored and put them away forever.

I start dating chicks because they're cute and cool enough for me to want to know more about them. Because I'm experienced and know what I want in a girl, the "screening" comes organically through getting to know them. It doesn't come through questioning, and worrying, and being afraid that i might get "hurt"

One chick I dated in December was hot...but upon our first date, it became very obvious that she was baby crazy (couldn't stop talking about babies). So two mental notes popped up: 1- Use condoms! 2- She's gonna push for a relationship too soon. And I was right.

Chick I dated from Jan to Feb was a nice girl too. But after our 2nd date, she'd call me up at like 1am drunk for booty calls. Which is fine by me. But obviously upon finding out that she's a drunken party girl, I wasnt gonna let her become a REAL girlfriend.

My point is, let the story unfold. Don't go digging around..."prescreening". If a girl makes it far enough along with me that i'm even considering her as a relationship, then I've already done my screening. Mainly because it's really, really hard to get into a relationship with me. So if there's any advice I could give that sums this up - don't go looking for relationships. Let relationships come to you...Date the girl, have fun, don't take it too seriously, and through that you'll be able to screen girls for who has longterm potential and who's just a quick fling.

 

[Chickfight]

All you can evaluate women on is how they treat you. You can't live your life from a defensive standpoint, digging for things that MIGHT hurt you. All you can be is smart. Don't get all emotional over every pretty face you sleep with. And treat dating like experimentation. Don't look at each chick from the standpoint of "potential wife". Look at them as books you're reading. You're enjoying them, you're learning more...sometimes you wanna see how it ends. Sometimes you get bored and put them away forever.

I start dating chicks because they're cute and cool enough for me to want to know more about them. Because I'm experienced and know what I want in a girl, the "screening" comes organically through getting to know them. It doesn't come through questioning, and worrying, and being afraid that i might get "hurt"

One chick I dated in December was hot...but upon our first date, it became very obvious that she was baby crazy (couldn't stop talking about babies). So two mental notes popped up: 1- Use condoms! 2- She's gonna push for a relationship too soon. And I was right.

Chick I dated from Jan to Feb was a nice girl too. But after our 2nd date, she'd call me up at like 1am drunk for booty calls. Which is fine by me. But obviously upon finding out that she's a drunken party girl, I wasnt gonna let her become a REAL girlfriend.

My point is, let the story unfold. Don't go digging around..."prescreening". If a girl makes it far enough along with me that i'm even considering her as a relationship, then I've already done my screening. Mainly because it's really, really hard to get into a relationship with me. So if there's any advice I could give that sums this up - don't go looking for relationships. Let relationships come to you...Date the girl, have fun, don't take it too seriously, and through that you'll be able to screen girls for who has longterm potential and who's just a quick fling.

This is so full of sageness. I can't rep you anymore for now, but I would have for the women are like books analogy alone.

 

[49au]

Very true. Excellent analogy.

 

[garruk]

All you can evaluate women on is how they treat you. You can't live your life from a defensive standpoint, digging for things that MIGHT hurt you. All you can be is smart. Don't get all emotional over every pretty face you sleep with. And treat dating like experimentation. Don't look at each chick from the standpoint of "potential wife". Look at them as books you're reading. You're enjoying them, you're learning more...sometimes you wanna see how it ends. Sometimes you get bored and put them away forever.

I start dating chicks because they're cute and cool enough for me to want to know more about them. Because I'm experienced and know what I want in a girl, the "screening" comes organically through getting to know them. It doesn't come through questioning, and worrying, and being afraid that i might get "hurt"

this is great man. i find myself looking at every girl i date as a potential gf. definately something to work on for me.

 

[49au]

this is great man. i find myself looking at every girl i date as a potential gf. definately something to work on for me.

I think I felt like Iceberg is talking about when I was younger, maybe even as late as last year. But I'm 28 and the LTR I just got out of really changed my focus and made me realize how much I want kids and family. It really shocked me. Not next month or even next year, but I want to be with someone I can see that with. So I will have to try to keep the right mindset.

 

[Delly2000]

I like the book analogy also.

 

[Iceberg]

I think I felt like Iceberg is talking about when I was younger, maybe even as late as last year. But I'm 28 and the LTR I just got out of really changed my focus and made me realize how much I want kids and family. It really shocked me. Not next month or even next year, but I want to be with someone I can see that with. So I will have to try to keep the right mindset.

But you still have to date women to find that wife who's going to give you kids and a family.

When you first meet a girl, and you want to date her, there's only so much "prescreening" you can do. At some point you're just gonna have to date her and find out. And if you date her for 5 months and it doesn't work out, well that's life.

What's your alternative? To only date women who have serious, serious, serious, long term potential? Well how can you evaluate that long term potential without actually taking the risk of dating someone who MIGHT NOT turn out to be what you wanted?

If you're worried about gettin your heart broken again, then stop taking dating so seriously. Your life comes first. Women come a way, distant second. You dated your chick for 8 months and you'd think you just left a 15 year marriage. You're taking this stuff way too seriously....there are bigger things in the world.

 

[49au]

I agree with 100% of what you're saying.


I just think that in my ex's case there could've maybe been some red flags or warning signs that she was not completely over her ex, that I could've spotted early and either addressed the situation or moved on without getting any more invested. Would've been helpful.


FWIW... 8 months is not a long time. But the intensity of relationships varies wildly and time has little to do with it. Factors like where you are in your own life, where she is in hers, and the sheer number of great times and memories you do (or don't) share in that time defines how meaningful the relationship is to one or both parties. My previous LTR was 2 years. Within a week of breaking up with her I was 100% over it. I felt nothing even remotely close for her what I did for this girl. But regardless, I am doing what I need to do and moving on.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

You're too concerned about "prescreening" her.

The act within itself is self-evident that you are focused too much on her; winning is done when she is focused on you.

The only prescreener you need to worry about is between your legs. After that, she's probably good for a couple bangs, nights on the town, gets on your nerves and you kick her funky ass to the curb for awhile, then go hit it again...it's the good kind of vicious cycle.

The point of all game, of every nuanced technique and discipline, is to display to a woman that you might dump her at any time. You can only achieve this by being a man, a being more strong and independent that she can look up to. A man has to be so many things for himself, that for her he is always seeming to pull away, and it becomes her mission to fill that void.

That is the only way you can make a woman happy and wanting to **** you. Save yourself the money, the time, and the effort that could be used more constructively; she will love you to death for it.

Anyway, don't worry about her ex; just be the man that makes her forsake all others.

 

[mahoney]

i never pre-screen, i judge each one on their own merits.

its good to learn lessons from each one, but the real lessons you learn are not about them - they are about yourself and your own behaviour. you grow as a person by understanding yourself - you are the only constant between each girl you have anything with

 

[BadNews]

All you can evaluate women on is how they treat you. You can't live your life from a defensive standpoint, digging for things that MIGHT hurt you. All you can be is smart. Don't get all emotional over every pretty face you sleep with. And treat dating like experimentation. Don't look at each chick from the standpoint of "potential wife". Look at them as books you're reading. You're enjoying them, you're learning more...sometimes you wanna see how it ends. Sometimes you get bored and put them away forever.

I start dating chicks because they're cute and cool enough for me to want to know more about them. Because I'm experienced and know what I want in a girl, the "screening" comes organically through getting to know them. It doesn't come through questioning, and worrying, and being afraid that i might get "hurt"

One chick I dated in December was hot...but upon our first date, it became very obvious that she was baby crazy (couldn't stop talking about babies). So two mental notes popped up: 1- Use condoms! 2- She's gonna push for a relationship too soon. And I was right.

Chick I dated from Jan to Feb was a nice girl too. But after our 2nd date, she'd call me up at like 1am drunk for booty calls. Which is fine by me. But obviously upon finding out that she's a drunken party girl, I wasnt gonna let her become a REAL girlfriend.

My point is, let the story unfold. Don't go digging around..."prescreening". If a girl makes it far enough along with me that i'm even considering her as a relationship, then I've already done my screening. Mainly because it's really, really hard to get into a relationship with me. So if there's any advice I could give that sums this up - don't go looking for relationships. Let relationships come to you...Date the girl, have fun, don't take it too seriously, and through that you'll be able to screen girls for who has longterm potential and who's just a quick fling.

Exactly how I approach women/new relationships. Don't be too eager to 'see where things will go'...just HAVE FUN with it and go with the flow! Great post! +1 rep!

 

[bigneil]

If she has an ex contacting her regularly, it's a really bad sign.