Pozitron's journal

[Pozitron]

So basically I should get to a point when I ask her out.
I can get her number next time I see her ( trying to imagine how what you said would sound translated )
Should I ask her out by calling or face to face? Where to go?

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Just ask her to go somewhere (like the mall, beach, somewhere you'd want to go) with you, then ask for phonenumber

 

[Pozitron]

That's what I figured I should do before I even posted about all this. So it's a good plan, ok, thanks. I just won't think about this more thatn just that cause there are so many variables and it just never happens what you plan.

Should I try to talk to her on Facebook again?

 

[Pozitron]

Short update

Today I go to school and take the bus. This girl was on the bus too, of course. This is where I screwed up a lill cause I saw this guy next to her and thought they know eachother and stuff so I only said hi and for a couple of seconds I kind of turned my back at her.
Then I see that that guy goets off the bus at the next stop and I notice he didn't even know her in the first place( me and my once in a while AFC moves). So I go to her and we started chatting, not to long though cause we got to school.

Yesterday it was way better. Things getting kind of friendly here. I have to ask her out and ask for her number next time I see her. I don't need another girl friend , that I have plenty), I Want a girlfriend.

So next time I have to be casual ( even if I'm scared like **** inside) and a little sexual and on top of that have some ba**s and I'll be rolling.

 

[Pozitron]

I'm loosing her like everyone else.. by doin' nothing by not trying.
I see her and don't do what I know I should do or what I wanna do...
How to turn this around?

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Do it.

 

[Pozitron]

Went to volley practice yesterday, I'm getting good at it, better anyway.
I'm still not really happy.
This is day 6 without PoM.. it wasn't easy, I can tell you that for sure, but as I said.. I won't give into it even if that means forcing myself to do what I think it's the right thing.

I have to stop doing things that distract me from what reality is and just face it already. I have to stop things like looking to movies for hours and getting myself lost in it... uh.. that only distracts , not helps.

40 push-ups after 6 days. When I started I could do 30 max.

Today I have kind of a rough moment. I played during break volley, I served a ball and even if I didn't know back then it hit HBBlue. BTW.. I kind of gived up on her. Didn't gave her any attention recently. I start to see that the 10 Hb I thought was the best it's just another human being, nothing so special. And I saw that in this case by noticing physical imperfections..
Returning to the story... yea so to male a long story short... she and it seems a lot more girls from my class think that I'm aggressive or "violent". Don't take this the wrong way.. it's just that I don't treat girls with "Oh, baby" or something like that. I don't pity them or that stuff. So I didn something that I think could be taken the wrong way after, when me HBBlue and a friend were waiting the buss and I felt bad about it, about them more or less teasing me over that ball hit. I sometimes do things like when they say I'm aggressive I push them a bit so they say it even more. But I'm joking, and I look like I'm joking do I hope they get that. Another example: today when HBBLue complained about me hurting her shoulder with the ball I was like:"oh, you're ok. This shoulder?" and light squeezed her shoulder.

Anyway.. that all may seem like kindergarten and you'll be like "WT*?"
Of course I wasn't like that.
I may not have got a lot of girls or done a lot of things with them but I was more AFC then now and I got hurt several times over it. I wasn't capable f doing the right thing when a girl was heels over head after me and my "friend" was. One summer, a trip, this girl was into me and then by not doing what I wanted I made me regret it for months and being kind of sad when I saw that girl got a boyfriend afyer that summer(just imagine).
Then I saw SS read some of pook and got the wrong way the idea of "you're the great catch" and not putting women onto a pedestal so I guess NOW I'M SOME KIND OF A JERK (one that flirts and teased and that's it)

Today I got upseat.. part my fault, part theirs. I said I'll walk to home, said bye and walked alone. I got to the next but stop and when the bus came (in which I figure HBBLue was and expected me also getting into) I just passed and walked away.

It's been some time and I feel like there's no "magic way" or the ultimate "aha"moment. That enthusiasm goes away, never lasts.

I have to think this trough, find a way cause now I'm in the same mood that I was most of the time since it all started.
I don't know how not to care, I don't know how to stop searching for answers, I don't know how to get myself to do or what I have to do to get out of this and finally get the life that I want.

So yeah... any advice? ..tired

 

[NorwegianDJ]

You don't stop searching for answers; you go out and find them.

 

[mr_guido]

If you want the life you really desire, then nothing should really stop you from getting it. The only thing standing between you and getting this girl is you. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Act cool, confident. Be yourself. Just casually ask her one day if she'd meet you at the coffee shop or something. I guess it's different for everyone but it's worked for me so far Good luck

 

[Pozitron]

I was lazy lately but also had some loong days so I didn't woked out.
Today:
Push-ups 40
Sit-ups 30
Squats 30 (I don't like this ex.)
Push-ups -wide- 16
Bicycle 20
Back y/t/w 10 each
Push-ups close 10
1 leg raise(actually this is something else I can't name)5
1 leg bridge 5 on each side
The thing is it wasn't fun, it wasn't easy. I didn't enjoy that much workoing out. Maybe it's because I'm tired, maybe it's because I was low.. anyway I'll change some exercises.
=============
------------------------
almost forgot, about girls..
If I learned somethings it's that: I have to trust my instinct, my gut.
That voice inside my head that goes:"do ____" or "say____".
I have to just don't think and do it when that happens.
This was I not only take the opportunities that show up, but also make my ownes.

All this time I missed A LOT of chances cause I didn't listen to my instinct. I can trace this back to ...I don't know.... 4th grade when I wanted ask a girl to be my GF and I didn't because of fear or thinkin' about how others will react to it.
Similar thing happened yesterday. You know that girl I was thinkin' about asking out? Never happened. It's true, I didn't see her lately on that buss but I saw her at school. Before I left, I saw her ( I was a little far away but I think she was lookin' at me). My mind was like:"wavem say HI. Tell her to come to you ans talk to her"(or something similar). Now what did I do? Turned around to my friends and did nothing. Practically ignored her.... damn
I have to just trust myself, trust my instinct.
I did like 90% and 82% at some diagnostic tests which is pretty good for not really revising at all. They don't matter anyway.

Had a rough time with my family lately. A lot of argumets and stuff.. I just have to let it go. I'll read "How to win friends and influence people". SInce I'm trying not to place the blame on others ,I'll try to use some tips fron there to better myself in social situation, including those related to my family.

Later

 

[Pozitron]

Things just happen

I have a lot to say to you... so just listen.
I'll make 2 posts. One about what happened and 2nd one about working out and other things.

Yesterday
I saw a girl I know cause we've been stusying English together last year. I go and talk to her. HBBlue is right in front of me and she answers only to realize I wasn't talkin' to her . I like when stufff like that happens. Happend to me before.

I saw BBlack on my way back home in the bus stop. I greet her and ask her how she's doin'. I get the impression that she is cold and answers short and I translate that into not being interested or whatever. So I ask her why is she sad and tease a but. I see she's havin' the same attitude, I gen on the phone with somebody , see that a friend comes to her so I decide from that I don't give a **** about her and that her attitude was not my problem, not something I've did wrong. So I walked to the next stop and took the buss from there.
Now what do you know... her friend comes 5 min later to me ( I was waititng for another bus--- yeah, I change two busses to get to school and home). He introduces himself, we chat and find common ground here and there, she's there and bein' more receptive. All good.

Today
I wake up. All lookin' good. I go to school and I had a feeling I would see that girl I'll call HBCute. I told you about her: texted on FB, she introduced herself on the bus and chatted like 2 or 3 times.
Well, make that 4 times . So I saw her on the bus. SHe was on the front kind of isolated so I didn't go to her. A friend of her got on the bus. When you got of at school stop I ( remember when I said I'll trust my instinct?good.) went to them said hi and imediately introduced myself to the other one. Guess it was a little unexpected to her hehe. We walked to school, chated and all was good. I know one more person..
But wait! It's more...

All good in class, I'm socialising better than before.. sometimes girls circle around (3 or 4). I'm havin' a good time and feelin' good.
I'm on my way home. I see BBlack again. This time she responds like I would expect , good. HBSmile's on my right so I talk more to her, tease her a bit as usual and it's time for her to go. So me + BBlack + that guy that introduced himself to me (also friend with BBlack)+ another froend of mine+2 other girls from my HS on the bus. Now that's somethin' I feel like kind of abundent. I can get used to that.. girls left and right.
SO on the buss at one point I adress to 1 of hose 2 girls and say something like:"I think I know you from somewhere. You've been at devate, right?" and from that we chatted .
When we switch(to take the 2nd buss) we're like 6 and all talkin to eachother. Turns out they all live really close to me. Forgot to mention a friend of those 2 girls that was there. She was kind of watching me being great.... that's how I used to be. I'll talk to him next time(why not?).

SO In this 2 days I can say I know 5 new people from my HS. Got the names of 2 of them though.
One of the two girls I was mentioning( not the one I opened) I think is interested. At least that's what my gut says. Maybe we'll hang out sometimes. I'll probably say that to her and get her name next time.

Thanks for reading. Sory for this being too long. I've got to somehow shorten this, be more efficient.

 

[Pozitron]

I told you it will be a 2nd post right after..

Yesterday I did the Spartacus workout, just one circuit though. That thing would get me totally exhausted if I would do all the 3 sets. I gave up on it. I'm still growing and I just don't like really intense workouts cause those make me feel tired and incapable of doing anything else.

Of course I've searched and found an alternative.
Today I dideclined push ups, inverted rows, reverse crunches and modified chin ups( using my desk cause I don't have and can't go anywhere to do pull ups and chin ups.
I'll follow another routine and post the results. I may pause for a while cause my elbow hurts( at least this morning) I guess from bad form or something.

Man there was this skinny but hot girl today that turned me n so bad... So yeah, I had cravings,but fortunately I'm still on No P.o.M... it's been 11 days now!!!!
However when I see really hot girls my hormones are all over the place..mmmm.. that's all I can say .

I monitored my time on computer and found out thhat I spend a lot.. like minimum 4h.. yesterday 6. I have to cut this down to max 2 for the moment. Too much is just too much.

I stared to read Pook again. Inever really stood to understand it all. It maks more sense now.
However, I don't want to be dependent on this stuff, on reading and feel like I have to read____ or do____ till I am ready to get to do what I want. I must start to trust myself and not live today as if it is tomorrow. Cause that's what I do.. think that tomorrow I'll do that and read that and then I'll be ready.
FU** that! It's a really big lie. No more. Trusting myself and my instincts. Finding my own answers. As I said.. enough is just enough.

One more thing.. I noticed I'm actually good looking.

 

[Pozitron]

I see the forum got a little crowded lately.. interesting.
Anyway..I broke the no P.o.M... however I'm not on P and I didn't had any" movies" or anything... so this shouldn't be a problem because I'll not get addicted or go on P ever again. Now cause that's out of the way..I'll still keep counting. so no PoM (it won't happen again-- breaking it) day 13.

Worked-out..
3 sets + worm up ( 18 min)
Prisoner/regular Squats -25
Decline/regular Pish-ups - 20
Inverted rows( in replace of chin-ups) 10
Reverse Crunches -15.
I'm eating more than usual and may just be able to put some muscle on..one day ata a time.

Met new people today.
But before that...
I went 20 min late at a class cause I've been with a cute classmate and grab a bite to eat at school. It was just ass, joked and laughed and all that.. just having no expectation.. a good time.
So I showed in class 20 min late with her and then they all were like"owww.." and some of my classmates was makin' jokes like:"HBGood, you hav something on your left mouth corner"(lol:crackup:-- it's strange to translate the original into English). So basically they were makin' allusions about me and her. In the next class.. I even got a note from a girl (classmate) sain'ozitron, leave HBGood alone cause she's a good girl. Muhaha"(lol).
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't bothers me, on the opposite but that's the reaction you get in and may be a reason why till now I didn't hit on girls.
BTW . This summer we went on a group hang. Then I was like:"Hey, Y, can you come here for a sec". So Y,girl I had something to talk about, joined my table and I talked to her (while I was eatin' hehe). I could feel the others talkin behind our back and after they asked if we were together.

So that's what happens, but So what?. I'm happy it did today cause they may as well start to see me like a normal guy who inflicted with the syndrome "MALE" is interested in women.
Anyway, I don't get girl for others cause it's about me and her.. no more, no less. Of course friends are important but you get what I mean.
What I do regret though is that nothing really happened.. I mean.. joke as they may but let it be true. I'll do something about that.

About those new people.
It was raining and a lot of people were waiting at the bus stop. I talked to 3 girls that came buy(from my class) then they walked. So I approached another friend and saw HBSmile. SO SHe asked me if I wanna walk to the next stop and I did. She Introduced me to her friend(new) then after a lill while it was only us. The bus came quick though. I've found some new things about her and she asked me if I have any brothers. The convo ended with a "talk to you soon". Then I met BBlack and her friend( he is starting to brag and think he's good and I don't really like that. Anyway I don't let people disrespect me, never did). The 2 above were with a girl I saw a couple of times. So now I know her(new) even if I didn;t got her name.

Question: It's getting kind of cold outside so next time when I talk to HBSmile and tell her we should go some place what would it be?

I think she's interested and I'm interested I just have to go with it, show it.
About that....

Sweet manual goodbye
For a lot of time now I keep notes and note things I read and also am like: I'll see that tomorrow. I don't know if you understand what I'm sain'.
I'm dependent on it and live tomorrow not today. There's always I'll read/see and then... . No shi*? If that was right I wouldn't be here.

I must want it, not need it. Stop bein' dependent on it. I must be able to break from it at any moment.
If it were do this second I wouldn't have this site or all I've wrote down or Pook or whatever.. I should be ok without it. That's ehat I want.

How? Removing my filter, not staying in my own way, giving myself permission to be who I wanna be, who I REALLY am. That's being yourself. Bein fearless and not giving a dam* about my ego. Just doing it and being who I want to be, who I am.. true, comfortable, fearless.
I have my experience, my instinct/gut, my nature as a man and me bein' able to improvise and evolve.

I'll focus on that tne next couple of days. And I will take action with that girl. It may work or it may not, but hey, I can't loose what I don't have and I can't succeed without trying.

 

[Pozitron]

No more of all that complicated, over analyzed, 840 words, rocket science sh!t.
I'm talkin' about girls here, right (oh, well, mostly). Its complicated cause I make it that way. No more.

So this weekend I went to a party. It was an aniversary.. people.. music.. dancing you know how it goes.

I was kind of close at the begining but in time I opened up and just enjoyed. However didn't have the guts to dance with a girl (like THAT kind of dance). I've seen guys havin' some game there. They were talkin' in their group about getting some chick or trying with another. A girl just came and danced a bit with me, another one initiated a convo... ordinary, but they knew me since we are classmates.

What I realized is simply this: these guys that get girls or seem like they are confident and have game are simply guys. They're not fearless, they are not super confident and totaly self assured. They're just ordinary guys who try, take a chance, take the risk and see what happens.

So I need 3 things + the right attitude( no attachment).
1- Guts. I need to bite the bullet and initiate, game a girl.
2- I have to enjoy. Fun shall be the purpose. Though all has to be genuine. Me + her= fun.
3- I have to just accept, embrace & enjoy being a guy/ my sexyality. Don't restrict it.. just flow...

The rest of my weekend is pure homework. This week will be a damn busy one.

 

[Pozitron]

First time

Hey there guys, how you've been?
It's been a while, not too long though. Just the right amount of time for me to forget all the **** that was not essential, making me over analyze and stand in my way.
Told you I never asked a girl out, right? I mean.. never directly.. I've hangout with girls but then again only as friends..

Focusing on what matters... that's a good thing. For me that make me live lightharted and that's a lot.
So remember HBSmile? That one I met on the bus?....I wanted to ask her out, remember?

Well, I haven't seen her in a while at school and I don't have her number or messenger and I almost never see he ronline on facebook.

SO I've pmed her on facebook and talked a bit. Said that I didn't saw her lately at school..you know how it goes
At a pause I just said (consider I'm translating this into english so it's not perfect accurate). So I said: "Lets go out somewhere/some place."
She was like.. ?. SHe asked what do I mean by that (lol). I said " Lets go somewhere.. park thatugh it can be cold or a drink/juice .
After 5 min she said she was busy this weekend but we shall discuss that later (or something similar).

So there you have it. My first. The first time I've asked smne out..
1)Even though that may sound as a rejection it didn't sting at all. It was much better than regret, that's for sure, but it didn't hurt.
2) Even though that may sound as a rejection I don't think it was. I mean.. she said she should go/ should get home & said bye so I asked her and it sems she wasn't home. Maybe at a friend or something. SO that could influence her.. or she didn't want to sound ...
but enough with that.
I won't next her yet. I wanna talk to her, see her face to face this time she how she reacts. Maybe let some time slide then ask again. You know what will happen in case of no.

Tell me what you think, guys. See you later. BTW.. I'm really cought up in school at the moment so I'm busy+ volley practice(today and it was good)+ debating.. life is good though.

 

[Pozitron]

I thought I should spare you all of things like: WHat do I do? How to....? What do you think of....?

Now I've preety much fallen into my old habits and on default mode. Just so I make clear for myself where I stand at the moment, and for you to see I'll look at myself and life and try to be objective. I'm not in a low mood so I don't do drama.. only facts.

I broke the no PoM thing some time ago.
I haven't been workoing out.
I am procrastinating as always for school. As always.
I don't have a girl.
I have few good friends... very few.
I don't have a social circle.
I went back on my own habit of reading tooooo much and waisting soo much time with useless s*** that I don't apply.
I have the tendency at times to complain and don't realise that I do nothing to change it.
I am the same as I've always been with my family.. a little cold.
I still think too much.
Since that girl I have never asked for numbers or tried to get a date.
I am still trying to find the perfect formula and fill the void even if I am damn unconfortable of admiting it.
I don't go a day without thinking about how to/ what t interact/do/say about girls. Not one day without thoughts about this.
I give a s***.
I always say I'll change tommorrow even if I could change today. I prefer to take the easy way.
I'm still taking the free ride in my liife.
I am asking the same questions and there is no end to it.
I spend so much time on the computer..
I read and try to copy paste and write it all down in a document and then unify it all.
I don't keep consistency and give up on my goals.
I preech, but not practice. I'm best at giving advice but I never folow it.
I've been here for months and it is what it is..

I am healthy.
I have a supportive family.. even if they don't know about all this.
I manage to have fun at times and enjoy.
I play volley.
I am so lucky at school sometimes.

That was for me.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Admitting all of this is huge bro, I have trouble doing that, and I hope that says something. I also fit a ton of your points above. Reading is good for you, just read the right things. Read books; not random articles. The change of habits is fundumental.

 

[Pozitron]

Getting back on track

I was heading on a wrong path lately so I decided do something about it.
You saw all my dirty secrets...eh.. the good thing is that when you start from down low.. you can only go up.

Today..
I was alone at home.
I cooked/made my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wanted it to include vegetables and proteins... basically to be good for me trying to put some muscle on.
Btw.. not so long ago bt for a long time I had a constant weight of 57kg. In the last month and a little I've reached 59 kg. I wanna go up to 61.

I worked out.
Push-ups.. 60 in 3 sets: 25 - 20 - 15.
Rows 30
Squats 60 in 2 sets: 30 - 30.
Plank (will do)

Waked up really early. Did some homework troughout the day. Still school is overwhelming..tests.. a lot of homework and things to work on.

I've read some interesting things and stayed on pc only 2.5h. It's still much though, but compared to the usual -5/6/7h is better.

Stopped mb. I think this time it will remain this way.
I've read some interesting stuff on this, true at the same time.
This time I won't fight and repress it. I will face it. How can you get rid of the problem if you don't face it? I will face it full on and feel the desire then decide not to fall into it .
Stopping this has a lot to do with bulding an actual relationship and trying to face one's intimacy isue..my case.. not being open with my sexuality.
You see, mb is an ilusion and keps you from being vulnerable.. it's the "perfect" alternative to going out there and dealing with the real world.
I'm planning on writing a post about this and a "dohh!" realisation about initiationg as a man with girls...

Could say today was a new start.
Life is good once you put yourself on the path to greatness.

 

[Pozitron]

I'm taking a break from all of this. Reading and surfing the internet and gathering info about things like workouts or girls got the best of my time and there are conseqences.
My school keeps me busy all the time just to keep up the pace. While I use at least ha;f of the time doing things like I described how can I ever keep it up or catch up at school? That's right, I can't.
So for the next 2 weeks I won't read or focus on girls. Rather I will focus on school and why not working out and livin' good. This will also help me trust myself better with this stuff and don't rely on dear manual for help. As I said... it became a habit and not a good one.
See you, guys after getting my life together or at least giving my best shot at this.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

You may quote this comment every time you fail.