Potential friend with benefits if I play this right?

[jez12]

So the girl in question is the little sister of my friends girlfriend. We met two months ago when she joined us as we were heading out to a night club. While there we talked a bit and later headed to the dancefloor. I could sense right away that she was at least a little bit into me so I moved close to her. After some moments of dancing and tension building up we finally kissed. (Strangely she actually kind of resisted a few times but I persisted.) Shortly after was closing time and as we were leaving the dancefloor I invited her home. She said she can't and asked me to go sit with her and talk about the reasons. So we sat down and she revealed she had a boyfriend and she has been in a relationship with him for about 6 years. But for the last 6 months she had been contemplating a breakup. She also said she felt bad for doing this to me. I said I understand. When we were waiting to get our jackets we kissed passionately some more and then she asked "Should I come over?". I said sure. Outside she started talking to her sister who was with us and to make a long story short she ****blocked me and managed to turn down the idea. So in the end she didn't come back to my place. I think it was probably for the best because now she wouldn't have to worry about feeling bad or guilty later for cheating. Although some might consider even kissing cheating.

I got her phone number and texted the same night something like "I understand your decision. But maybe we can meet again some day if/when your situation is better." She replied "Yeah it would be very nice to meet you again." A few weeks later I texted her again asking if she was planning to go to this event at our town or if she was willing to go with me but she wasn't. So then I just decided to stop wasting my time and I cut contact.

And here we are today about 2 months later. We (my friend and his gf) decided to head to the night club again a few days ago. Early in the evening as we were hanging out at my friends place, this girl came over too, to my surprise. My friend told me she had broken up with her boyfriend a while ago. But when she arrived she didn't even say "hi" to me and just kind of ignored me. So I thought maybe she just feels embarrassed or regrets kissing me. Or even worse, auto-rejection. And then I thought if that's the case, so be it. But a few alcoholic beverages later she started to open up a bit more and we started talking again at the night club. At one point we were alone, I did some deep diving conversation and then invited her to the dancefloor. There I did the same routine again of letting some tension build and went for the kiss because she was clearly into me again. But here it got a little tricky again. I'll try to remember the conversation:

Her: "I don't know if this is a good idea."
Me: "Why? What are you thinking?"
Her: "I don't want to do this to you again. But if we are gonna do this you must not think that this will lead into anything serious. And I don't want our next encounter to feel awkward if we go ahead with this."
Me: "Who said anything about getting serious? I'm totally cool with that."
Her: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes. Let's go."

Then we headed back to my place which is a 5-10 minute walk from the night club. She then immediately found my movie collection and suggested we put on a movie. I said alright and she picked a horror title. I was quite puzzled and started to run some scenarios in my head as to how this will all play out. I usually just escalate very quickly when bringing a girl to my place but this was a new situation for me. I started the movie and we went to lay on the sofa. After a while I started to realize that this was her case of plausible deniability or something like that and she probably waited for me to make a move and escalate. And I'm glad I did. Then again she reminded me:

Her: "Remember that this is nothing serious and we won't tell about this to anyone."

Whatever. We had 2 rounds of pretty wild sex that night. After that as we were lying on the bed she started to wonder if it was best for her to just leave and go to her sisters place. I persuaded her to stay by telling her I will keep this a secret because that's for the best anyway. We wouldn't have to worry about other peoples opinions. That seemed to be what she wanted to hear so she stayed. The next morning I escorted her halfway back to her sisters apartment (I had to go to another direction). We hugged and agreed that this would stay between us. And:

Me: "Who knows, maybe we'll do this again some day."
Her: "Yeah, you never know."
Me: "Bye."
Her: "Bye."

A few hours later I texted her: (she had about a half hour drive back home from her sisters apartment)

Me: "Got home? "
Her: "Yep."

So I just want to understand the situation and that's why I'm asking you, the more experienced ones. What's the deal here? All this talk about not expecting anything serious and keeping things secret. What should I make of all this? Potentially a good thing or just a red flag? What are my best options in keeping her as a casual hookup partner?

We will see each other again next weekend when my friend is hosting a housewarming party. Should I just keep my contact to a minimum? Should I try to escalate again next weekend at the party or just play it totally cool?

Thanks for your time!

 

[jurry]

She just got out of 6 year relationship. She is gona fvck a lot of guys. You should be fvcking other girls. Play it cool to the point of almost complete indifference, i wouldnt really initiate anything as you seem way more interested in her than she is with you.

 

[gravityeyelids]

She wants to bang you but wants to make sure you are discrete. Discretion is paramount with girls, especially when they're deciding whether or not to sleep with you.

When a girl says she's "not looking for anything serious" and then sleeps with you...she is looking to sleep with you but not get into anything serious. Guys like to overanalyze things, but she is being quite straightforward with you. She's basically laying the groundwork for a Fbuddy or FWB type of deal. She just needs to know that you're not gonna go telling all your guy friends, and ESPECIALLY HER SISTER.

Make sure you respect her wishes. Do not tell your friend you banged her (for now at least). Yes, he's your friend, but he's dating her sister, and she WILL pry it out of him if he knows. If you are directly confronted about it, you may want to give them a tidbit of info such as that you made out with her, but you didn't do anything past that. use your best judgement.

When you see her again... play it very cool. Acknowledge her as an acquaintance, but do not make ANY INDICATION publicly that you guys hooked up. Treat it like you're seeing your mistress at a party...You want to acknowledge her because people know you've met and it would look weird if you ignored her, but don't raise their suspicions by being all flirty with her in front of other people. Say hey to her and go about your business. If she starts talking to you later on (or at that time), you can respond to her and be friendly. The reason she asked if you were going to be awkward at a later date is because she wants to make sure you keep your cool at events like this.

Social circle game is MUCH different from cold approach game. It takes less blind escalation and boldness and a bit more tact and finesse. Respect that she wants to keep this on the DL. In all honesty, her sister is going to find out eventually, whether your girl tells her or she just picks up on it. At that point it's kind of between her and her sister. It will probably turn out that her sister is like "eh whatever" and doesnt really care, at which point you're good to go. But until that point you dont wanna be the person that opens his big mouth. Let her slip up first.

as for whether or not to escalate at the party...i mean it depends on who is there and the circumstances. If you can slip off with her to an isolated place, then go for it. I mean people normally notice when a drunk guy and girl "disappear" at a party..but at that point she might not care.

 

[apprenticedj]

Congrats Jez on making it happen. IMO I doubt she wants an ongoing FWB relationship, I believe it was just a one night thing and there's nothing wrong with that. See, we men are conditioned to think a girl MUST want more than a casual hookup and we start to behave foolishly in hopes of keeping it going. We text, we call, we become "needy" etc.

I'd say this: you hit it, be happy, don't text or call her again. She will reach out if she's wanting FWB. If you don't hear from her don't be surprised.

You'll see her again and when you do try to smash it again. Nothing more.

 

[jez12]

Great advice! Thanks!

 

[pdx1138]

good job.

just pretend like it never happened. you might get some again.

 

[3agle 3yes]

Her: "I don't want to do this to you again. But if we are gonna do this you must not think that this will lead into anything serious. And I don't want our next encounter to feel awkward if we go ahead with this."

Want to know why she said this? Because of this:

I got her phone number and texted the same night something like "I understand your decision. But maybe we can meet again some day if/when your situation is better."

A few weeks later I texted her again asking if she was planning to go to this event at our town or if she was willing to go with me but she wasn't.

Ask yourself this, what type of guy texts those kind of messages? I'll tell you, a guy who wants a relationship.

You didn't need to text, you didn't even need her number, because she is the sister of your friends gf and you'll most likely meet her again anyway (especially if she was into you)...and surprise, surprise you did.

It also explains this:

But when she arrived she didn't even say "hi" to me and just kind of ignored me.

It's rare for women who just ended a relationship to jump straight into a new one...she didn't want to talk to you because she knew you'd try to jump on her.

Then, you exhibited more boyfriend behaviour:

The next morning I escorted her halfway back to her sisters apartment (I had to go to another direction). We hugged and agreed that this would stay between us. And:

Me: "Who knows, maybe we'll do this again some day."

and again:

A few hours later I texted her: (she had about a half hour drive back home from her sisters apartment)

Me: "Got home? "

If you just want a casual hookup, then keep it CASUAL.

No texting whether she got home safely...no emoticons.

No texting lets do this again sometime.

No texting, are you going to XXX wanna come?

Just flirt and f*ck her when you run into her and keep small talk to a minimum.

 

[jez12]

You didn't need to text, you didn't even need her number, because she is the sister of your friends gf and you'll most likely meet her again anyway (especially if she was into you)...and surprise, surprise you did.

That's true but are you saying that there should be no phone communication with a casual partner? That seems to leave a lot to chance because you just have to hope that you'll bump into her time and again. This is only the second time I've seen her in over 2 months and that's not very much.

It's rare for women who just ended a relationship to jump straight into a new one...she didn't want to talk to you because she knew you'd try to jump on her.

Yeah I'm fine with that. I don't want to expect a relationship out of this because I don't even know if I like her that much. As I said, only met her twice. Right now I'm only looking for some fun times in bed preferably on a regular basis.

If you just want a casual hookup, then keep it CASUAL.

No texting whether she got home safely...no emoticons.

No texting lets do this again sometime.

No texting, are you going to XXX wanna come?

Just flirt and f*ck her when you run into her and keep small talk to a minimum.

Yeah I think I have been a bit too eager. I'll have to tone that down. But after we first met and things didn't really go so well I didn't want her to think that I'd just completely lost interest (or got angry) by not saying anything for 2 months. From what I've read, if you don't sleep with a girl the first time, the chances of it happening later decrease a lot, especially if a lot of time goes by. As in attraction expires. Also one advice was to text a girl something warm quite soon after sex so she doesn't have to wonder if I liked it or regret it etc. Good or bad advice? Time will tell.

 

[jez12]

Alright so I went to the party. She was there and so was her underaged little brother. We said hi to each other, then I just grabbed a drink and relaxed. They had nothing to drink and when the clock hit about 9-10 PM, they left. Apparently she had to give her brother a ride home. They both live about 30 minutes away from my town. She could've come back after that but she didn't. Maybe she had some other plans and things were really out of her control or she just really isn't interested and it was all just a one night stand for her.

It's very likely that I won't be seeing her in a long time so I'm just out of options here I think. I could invite her over to my place to "watch a movie" again or something later but maybe that's not wise. Probably I should just forget about her as quickly as possible and initiate no contact at all.

Disappointing night I must admit but at the same time I shouldn't be too surprised.

 

[No.Danny]

You hit it!! Now on to the next one bruh!!

 

[jez12]

You hit it!! Now on to the next one bruh!!

Yeah I already left this thing behind me (have a date with another girl scheduled for Saturday) when a few days ago everything surfaced up again. I want to keep my options open and learn from my mistakes so I'm asking for advice/opinion again.

So what happened was that this friend of mine (dating this girls sister) told me that apparently she did feel awkward at the party 3 weeks ago. I just don't get it. I did how it was suggested here: said hello to her and just went about my business (see post above).

I haven't been in contact with her since. When my friend told me about this I gave this thing a lot of thought and came to the conclusion that I'll shoot her a text. Because whatever happens, I have nothing to lose here.

She replied right away and here's how the short exchange went (translated):

Me: "Hey musicbreather! [a reference to her tattoo] How was your vacation? I hope you didn't have any negative feelings after we last saw at the party? You left before I blinked my eye."
Her: "It was alright, relaxing Well first of all I felt ashamed as hell and had a little uncomfortable feeling.."
Me: "No way! But I guess the main thing is that no one suspected anything? At least I haven't been questioned. Next time you'll be your normal self. "
Her: "Yeah I haven't been asked either. But yeah I'll try "

If my friend hadn't told me about this I wouldn't have known about this and our possible next encounter would've been awkward for her again. At least I got the chance to reassure her.

But I just don't seem to get it. Why did she feel this way? What could I have done to make her comfortable? By not going to the party? By starting a conversation at the party? From my point of view, it was great seeing her again. I'm trying to see this from her perspective. We both wanted each other that one night and no one else knows we had sex so why feel ashamed? And we already talked about this that night! I said it wouldn't be weird at all!

Is there something else I should do or say? Because I will see her again some day, that's for sure. And I don't want her to feel the same way again.

Thanks for guiding me!

 

[Poop1337]

Probably because you haven't tried to have sex with her again. Which is odd considering you wanted a friends with benefits out of her. You should be texting her to come watch another scary movie with you that you don't like watching them alone lol.

 

[jez12]

Probably because you haven't tried to have sex with her again. Which is odd considering you wanted a friends with benefits out of her. You should be texting her to come watch another scary movie with you that you don't like watching them alone lol.

Wouldn't that have been just too eager on my part? Considering the party was only one week after we hooked up. And others have said I shouldn't text much if at all.

It was the plan to hook up again after the party but as I said, she had already decided to be sober that night and drive her brother home. I don't see how it could've gone any other way.

You think there still might be a chance if I text something along the lines of "Wanna come see that [insert movie here]? I'm too scared to watch it alone!" I'm thinking it's too late but what do I know?

 

[Poop1337]

A week is a long time to go with out talking to some one. It makes a lot of sense it would be awkward for her to see you at the party. Yes you should try to see her again. Feel free to say no sex if she brings up sex. Then of course start trying to have sex like in the first few minutes of the movie. Of course it's not too late this whole things seems like it may be good to go. Also don't worry about seeming too eager as long as you have no outcome dependence. You have to push this stuff forward because the girls sure as heck won't.

 

[jez12]

A week is a long time to go with out talking to some one. It makes a lot of sense it would be awkward for her to see you at the party. Yes you should try to see her again. Feel free to say no sex if she brings up sex. Then of course start trying to have sex like in the first few minutes of the movie. Of course it's not too late this whole things seems like it may be good to go. Also don't worry about seeming too eager as long as you have no outcome dependence. You have to push this stuff forward because the girls sure as heck won't.

So I did, not expecting a reply:

Her: A movie sounds good but the timing is bad considering my breakup.. It would feel maybe a bit rushed.. hope you understand..
Me: Yeah of course I understand. This wasn't meant to be anything serious as we agreed. Tell me if you change your mind
Her: Okay good

My opinion? Case closed. Feel free to comment.