Post-Breakup Fog is Clearing. Need Perspective.

[Tony197]

Again, the post-breakup fog is clearing. Just coming here for some opinions.

My girlfriend of 19 months broke up with me two months ago. She's 20, I'm 27.

Everything was fine until I made a comment that I wasn't going to propose during an upcoming trip. Key word - "during." We took the trip, had a good time, a few spats but nothing major. A week later we broke up. She said, crying, she wasn't ready for marriage, and was planning on moving in a year. Seemed pretty sudden to me, and frankly insensitive, coming so soon after a trip.

I texted a few times (playful banter, which she responded to) and called once in the next three weeks. Nothing horribly mopey, just "Please call. Want to hear from you."

I finally went NC after seeing a pic of her with another guy three weeks later. It didn't look serious, but I texted if he was the reason for the breakup. She texted "No" and I went NC for about 35 days. I don't think this is serious or that she cheated, it's a rebound at the most. In the meantime, she has been behaving much differently, acting like an immature college kid, which she seemed to always look down on before. It's like she wants to be one of the "cool kids" now, and is adopting their personality.

Cue this week - I run into her at an event, apologize for anytime I made her feel unappreciated. She says it's not my fault. I also engage in some playful banter. Her body language is open and she is smiling, but she looks eager to get away. Almost like she's toying with me. I texted something a few days later, asking if she could send me a recipe for something she made that I liked. No response. I know this was stupid, so to salvage the situation, I casually said (non aggressive, just playful) "Hey dude, please send me that recipe?" when I saw her at another event the next day.

Couple things: She isn't just ignoring me. She's ignoring texts from other old friends as well. Frankly, I think she got some new buddies and wants to be a flakey 20-year old. Again, this caught me completely off-guard because she's always been mature not only for her age, but even compared to girls older than she is. I guess I'm just hurt she seems to have gotten over what I thought was a deep relationship so soon.

I'm going NC and staying NC. I'm feeling much better, I guess I still just want some perspective and "next steps" from unbiased third-parties. Was I flaked on? Or am I in the wrong here?

 

[marmel75]

1) She likes toying with you because you are acting desperate and it's fun for her to tell her friends and the new guys she is fvcking so they can laugh at the way you are acting

2) She is fvcking at least one new guy and likely more than one as she decides who she wants to be in a relationship with next

3) She already had a guy she intended to be going out with when she broke up with you...likely after they had sex for the first time.

4) She is 20 years old, you are at different points in your life. She wants to run around and get d!cked down by guys and experience things whereas you want to settle down. Two opposite spectrums of what you want. Just isn't going to work long term.

 

[Tony197]

1) She likes toying with you because you are acting desperate and it's fun for her to tell her friends and the new guys she is fvcking so they can laugh at the way you are acting

2) She is fvcking at least one new guy and likely more than one as she decides who she wants to be in a relationship with next

3) She already had a guy she intended to be going out with when she broke up with you...likely after they had sex for the first time.

4) She is 20 years old, you are at different points in your life. She wants to run around and get d!cked down by guys and experience things whereas you want to settle down. Two opposite spectrums of what you want. Just isn't going to work long term.

Any chance I hear back from her if I stay NC? Any insight as to why she's ignoring her old friends?

 

[fastlife]

The fact that you mentioned proposal, even in the negative, meant that you'd thought about it in some capacity. You introduced that concept to the relationship and she wasn't there yet. She's young--and was probably having fun but couldn't cope with the thought: "OMG I'm moving into marriage and all of the other girls my age are partying and traveling, etc. I have to do SOMETHING to keep this from happening."

Then after the breakup you kept telegraphing: "I'm still available. I'm still available. I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Please talk to me."

Don't take it personally. But please, for the love of God, move on. Women change, especially after the breakup of an LTR. The woman she was when she was in love with you is GONE. She's DEAD. She only exists in your memory and you need to let that woman go. She'll be a different girl for every guy she gets involved with. The good (or depressing news, depending on how you look at it), is that this situation is hardly unique. In fact, given her age she's following the exact template Rollo laid out in "Preventative Medicine."

Stop worrying about what she's doing--your time and your mind are the two most valuable assets you have and you're wasting them with speculation that'll get you nowhere.

 

[marmel75]

Any chance I hear back from her if I stay NC? Any insight as to why she's ignoring her old friends?

Until you realize she did you a favor and you shouldn't want to hear from her, nothing will change.

 

[The Duke]

Your princess is in another castle! Lost cause. There is some other guy. Let her go.

Here's a rule you need to internalize as it will serve you well in everything you do:

The one who cares the least...has the most power. Go fuhk her friend or something! hahahaha See what she thinks of that. lol

Going out on a limb here, the only reason I could see her ignoring her old friends is because they probably thought highly of you??? She wants to go off and be a wh0re and knows they don't approve so rather than face them and lie, she ignores them??? Girls put a lot of stock in what others(friends) think of them.

 

[thatfeel]

Couple of things:

1. Not sure if this is the case but it's what I see reading between the lines and that is the thought of marriage after only a little bit over 1.5 years of dating is a bit hasty. And I'm assuming you two weren't even living together since you didn't mention anything about moving out or whatever. I wouldn't even think about marrying someone I hadn't lived with for at least a year at a minimum. And besides, marriage at 20 is a pretty vivid thing to reconcile in one's head.

2. "Please call. Want to hear from you." Cut the pleading in any future attempts to get a girl to call. In fact, if you want to talk to them just straight up call them, if they don't answer you move on, if they call back you can decide if you want to answer or not. If you absolutely must send a text it should be very aloof in that it portrays you as outcome independent. So something more like "hey there, hope things are going great for you. call me sometime.", or even better would be for it to actually be a bit more spontaneous and not so planned out, for example, if you're doing something at an event or hobby that reminds you of her, you could say "hey was blah blah and it reminded me of you. call me sometime!"

3. It really doesn't matter if another guy was the 'reason' for the breakup, as was previously said forget about it and move on. And I doubt it was even a rebound, she probably swung to another branch. Even if legitimately he wasn't the cause at all and had absolutely zero to do with anything, women tend to have guys in their life at all times in their life. I'm not sure the her behavior could really be judged by anyone of us here since we don't know her, when you say immature college kid it just sounds to me like she wants to have a good time and who could blame anyone for that, especially at 20.

4. Don't ever apologize for who you are, ever. Own it. Apologizing for "making her feel unappreciated" is basically you entering her frame which is a big no no. She should feel appreciated to begin with for you allowing her to be in a relationship with you.

5. The recipe text and following comment. Way too needy. Enough said. Talk to other girls. Only talk to her if she approaches and keep your eyes open for sh!t tests.

This girl only got over the relationship so quickly because you didn't maintain frame ever after she dumped you. If you had just completely stayed no contact and kept your frame/game together, it would have made her question her decision and at the very least she'd respect you more and actually truly have some sense of loss. But I mean, even with that said, you can't just expect her to be forthcoming and randomly say a month later "Dumping you was pretty hard and it hurt me more than I expected.". It's just better to not even worry about it.

There are no next steps with her. Any next step you take should be to better yourself and reflect. Talk to other women.

 

[searching solace]

Couple of things:

1. Not sure if this is the case but it's what I see reading between the lines and that is the thought of marriage after only a little bit over 1.5 years of dating is a bit hasty. And I'm assuming you two weren't even living together since you didn't mention anything about moving out or whatever. I wouldn't even think about marrying someone I hadn't lived with for at least a year at a minimum. And besides, marriage at 20 is a pretty vivid thing to reconcile in one's head.

2. "Please call. Want to hear from you." Cut the pleading in any future attempts to get a girl to call. In fact, if you want to talk to them just straight up call them, if they don't answer you move on, if they call back you can decide if you want to answer or not. If you absolutely must send a text it should be very aloof in that it portrays you as outcome independent. So something more like "hey there, hope things are going great for you. call me sometime.", or even better would be for it to actually be a bit more spontaneous and not so planned out, for example, if you're doing something at an event or hobby that reminds you of her, you could say "hey was blah blah and it reminded me of you. call me sometime!"

3. It really doesn't matter if another guy was the 'reason' for the breakup, as was previously said forget about it and move on. And I doubt it was even a rebound, she probably swung to another branch. Even if legitimately he wasn't the cause at all and had absolutely zero to do with anything, women tend to have guys in their life at all times in their life. I'm not sure the her behavior could really be judged by anyone of us here since we don't know her, when you say immature college kid it just sounds to me like she wants to have a good time and who could blame anyone for that, especially at 20.

4. Don't ever apologize for who you are, ever. Own it. Apologizing for "making her feel unappreciated" is basically you entering her frame which is a big no no. She should feel appreciated to begin with for you allowing her to be in a relationship with you.

5. The recipe text and following comment. Way too needy. Enough said. Talk to other girls. Only talk to her if she approaches and keep your eyes open for sh!t tests.

This girl only got over the relationship so quickly because you didn't maintain frame ever after she dumped you. If you had just completely stayed no contact and kept your frame/game together, it would have made her question her decision and at the very least she'd respect you more and actually truly have some sense of loss. But I mean, even with that said, you can't just expect her to be forthcoming and randomly say a month later "Dumping you was pretty hard and it hurt me more than I expected.". It's just better to not even worry about it.

There are no next steps with her. Any next step you take should be to better yourself and reflect. Talk to other women.

This is all bang-on and really good advice.

Doing what is described above is going to be difficult to do and will probably go against your instincts or how you feel you should act, but it's absolutely the right thing(s) to do.

 

[Tony197]

Couple of things:

5. The recipe text and following comment. Way too needy. Enough said. Talk to other girls. Only talk to her if she approaches and keep your eyes open for sh!t tests.

This girl only got over the relationship so quickly because you didn't maintain frame ever after she dumped you. If you had just completely stayed no contact and kept your frame/game together, it would have made her question her decision and at the very least she'd respect you more and actually truly have some sense of loss. But I mean, even with that said, you can't just expect her to be forthcoming and randomly say a month later "Dumping you was pretty hard and it hurt me more than I expected.". It's just better to not even worry about it.

There are no next steps with her. Any next step you take should be to better yourself and reflect. Talk to other women.

This is a silly and an unhealthy attitude, I admit, but I guess I just want the "power" to be back in my court. If I "better myself and reflect", what's the likelihood she'll regain her attraction after time passes?

I mean, without getting too graphic, let's just say she'll have a lot to miss. There's no way this guy (who's a dweeb) or any guy in her social circle has as much "value" as I do. In fact, I guess that's what happened - I allowed myself to lose my value/power at the absolute worst time, as she was expanding her social circle.

Again, not the right attitude/approach to take, I'm just looking for a bone here.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Tony,

She's gone. Fastlife is 100% correct. It's time to let it go and move on.

As men, we tend to look back and try to make sense out of what happened. As mentioned, the marriage comment probably freaked her out and you were perceived as being needy. You can take those lessons learned into the next relationship you have. But the bottom line is this: She changed and moved on and there's absolutely nothing you can do but let it go.

Time to work on yourself and spin some plates.

Hang in there. I recently went through something similar. It gets better.

-Augustus-

 

[WhiskeyTango]

This is a silly and an unhealthy attitude, I admit, but I guess I just want the "power" to be back in my court. If I "better myself and reflect", what's the likelihood she'll regain her attraction after time passes?

I mean, without getting too graphic, let's just say she'll have a lot to miss. There's no way this guy (who's a dweeb) or any guy in her social circle has as much "value" as I do. In fact, I guess that's what happened - I allowed myself to lose my value/power at the absolute worst time, as she was expanding her social circle.

Again, not the right attitude/approach to take, I'm just looking for a bone here.

She will regain attraction once you have moved on. The opening scene in the movie Swingers hit this nail on the head. This is my experience anyway.

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.

 

[Julian]

have you no self respect or dignity? you are almost 30 years old. this chick is a teenager. come on dude..get your head out of your ass. you sound so beta and blue pill..like you were seriously gonna propose to this chick while in her mind shes moving away lol.

become more aware bro of whats going on

 

[Tony197]

have you no self respect or dignity? you are almost 30 years old. this chick is a teenager. come on dude..get your head out of your ass. you sound so beta and blue pill..like you were seriously gonna propose to this chick while in her mind shes moving away lol.

become more aware bro of whats going on

Haha, no I'm well aware. Really, what set me off was post-breakup blues/surprise, combined with the feeling that she got over me after everything we'd been through just like that. That messes with a guy. Clearly.

 

[MrOctober]

once she broke up with you.. you needed to go ghost....
ive had the broken up and ghost work... and just recently fail but almost work.

youll be cool bro... youll find another chick.

 

[Julian]

Haha, no I'm well aware. Really, what set me off was post-breakup blues/surprise, combined with the feeling that she got over me after everything we'd been through just like that. That messes with a guy. Clearly.

yeah bro this is nothing new, shes not yours its just your turn. chicks always have backup c0cks its just that easy for them and thats just the way of the world thats why we gotta step up as playboy player don juans and beat them at their own game getting what we want and need and giving them the tingles where it counts and just get that $$$ and power and the chicks will come/are a side effect.

 

[searching solace]

This is a silly and an unhealthy attitude, I admit, but I guess I just want the "power" to be back in my court. If I "better myself and reflect", what's the likelihood she'll regain her attraction after time passes?

I mean, without getting too graphic, let's just say she'll have a lot to miss. There's no way this guy (who's a dweeb) or any guy in her social circle has as much "value" as I do. In fact, I guess that's what happened - I allowed myself to lose my value/power at the absolute worst time, as she was expanding her social circle.

Again, not the right attitude/approach to take, I'm just looking for a bone here.

Doesn't matter, man. She won't regain attraction, at least not in any consistent way. Over time, it will probably only decrease more. She might come back one day, but she won't be the girl you knew; she likely won't ever feel the same about you again. I know it sucks but it's reality.

She'll be focused on the next guy and won't be giving you nearly as much thought as you're giving her right now. She might think of you again once things go under with him or if she gets melancholic about things a few months down the line, but it won't be the same. While no contact for you is agonizing and a conscious effort to maintain, for her it's likely pretty natural and coming with more ease.

A similar thing happened to me recently. She got into contact 6 months later; it was a completely different person. It was almost as if to say 'I'm over you now. I've been seeing someone else, but I'm still here if you want to be friends or give me attention.'

Attraction and interest are very delicate. It's a very humbling thing to experience, but don't blame yourself as much as learn from it, I suppose.

 

[BeTheChange]

Haha, no I'm well aware. Really, what set me off was post-breakup blues/surprise, combined with the feeling that she got over me after everything we'd been through just like that. That messes with a guy. Clearly.

Mate. Read through a few threads here including No Contact. This is practically universal. Women can click their fingers and have five replacement guys in an instant and so it can appear to be much easier for them to move on.

Their anxiety comes later when they begin to understand that they may actually have lost you for good. Unless they havr captured a major upgrade (very unlikely) then the fear of loss goes into overdrive. She may not act on it but she will definitely be concious of you slipping away.

This is why NC is so important. Because firstly it allows you to get on with your life rather than deal with women's fickle nature. And secondly and probably more of interest to you is that it communicates to your ex that you are better than them. Think about it. If you truly were the prize and your chick left you, you would shrug your shoulders smile and find a better woman more appreciative of your qualities. This is the message that NC communicates.

 

[Tony197]

Mate. Read through a few threads here including No Contact. This is practically universal. Women can click their fingers and have five replacement guys in an instant and so it can appear to be much easier for them to move on.

Their anxiety comes later when they begin to understand that they may actually have lost you for good. Unless they havr captured a major upgrade (very unlikely) then the fear of loss goes into overdrive. She may not act on it but she will definitely be concious of you slipping away.

This is why NC is so important. Because firstly it allows you to get on with your life rather than deal with women's fickle nature. And secondly and probably more of interest to you is that it communicates to your ex that you are better than them. Think about it. If you truly were the prize and your chick left you, you would shrug your shoulders smile and find a better woman more appreciative of your qualities. This is the message that NC communicates.

Thanks dude. Immediately post breakup I was way more rational, and even agreed with her decision frankly. Truth be told, I wanted out (maybe not right then, but eventually), but didn't want to hurt her.

Then the inevitable mix of oneitis, scarcity mentality, post-breakup beta mentality, "Is she happy without me" and "Is there another guy" jealousy reared its ugly head, and I just got stupid.

I just wanted to make sure I haven't totally made an ass of myself, y'know?

 

[Spinach]

We all have at one time or the other...it is called experiencing life. Don't dwell on it..learn from it and be wiser next time around.

 

[xstang77]

I'm not one to preach but I know how it is man,stay strong nc as mentioned on this site by more experienced guys you shouldn't really even think about marrying a girl under the age of 25 and even then it's iffy with today's society. She's 20..wait till she's 21 that's when there true inner *****s usually come out due to bars and hungry attention from all the guys.keep your frame brother,hopefully your in a good area with the option to spin some plates.