Ponderings on Jealousy

[Fruitbat]

So, I had a slight wobble recently.

I found some excellent threads on jealousy, the most destructive force in the universe.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/overcome-your-jealousy-and-your-insecurity.122214/

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/dj-vs-alpha-males-dealing-with-competition-and-jealousy.127323/

I would recommend anyone read these.

I agree that jealousy comes from a place of insecurity and having self-belief is key, in life, to avoiding this negative and degrading experience.

BUT there is one consideration left unanswered. I do not feel unworthy, or insecure, generally with my partners.

What I fear, is that a new partner is the type of girl who sleeps around and is addicted to attention and branch swinging.

When I last got jealous, it was this which caused the fear. I've invested somewhat. Am I finding a person who isn't what I thought? You then feel the need to investigate, and this projects a message that you are unworthy - in reality, you aren't. You want to know if she is worthy of you!

Anyone see this paradox or have comment on this?

thanks.

 

[narcissist]

It really comes down to the fear of a future projected pain. Whether that be from betrayal, infidelity, abandonment etc. That is where those individual fears derive from. They all have that deeper fear at their base--the fear of a future projected pain.

Once you dissolve this one fear, those fears tend to disappear.

The way that I have been dissolving this fear is to work on myself endlessly and tirelessly.

What this does is install a trust in myself that I can deal with any future pain that makes its way into my life.

You have to trust in your resources to deal with anything. If you don't do this, your relationships will always hit this wall.

Also, keep in mind that at the present moment, that fear is a chimera, and illusion, because it is future projected. So jealously is contained in a non-reality.

One of the best ways I have dealt with this is put myself in the situation where my girl CAN sleep with others guys if she so pleases. An open relationship if you will. It is the best way to face this fear head on. Plus you can go sleep with other girls, without it being considered cheating. Win-Win.

 

[Fruitbat]

It really comes down to the fear of a future projected pain. Whether that be from betrayal, infidelity, abandonment etc. That is where those individual fears derive from. They all have that deeper fear at their base--the fear of a future projected pain.

Once you dissolve this one fear, those fears tend to disappear.

The way that I have been dissolving this fear is to work on myself endlessly and tirelessly.

What this does is install a trust in myself that I can deal with any future pain that makes its way into my life.

You have to trust in your resources to deal with anything. If you don't do this, your relationships will always hit this wall.

Also, keep in mind that at the present moment, that fear is a chimera, and illusion, because it is future projected. So jealously is contained in a non-reality.

One of the best ways I have dealt with this is put myself in the situation where my girl CAN sleep with others guys if she so pleases. An open relationship if you will. It is the best way to face this fear head on. Plus you can go sleep with other girls, without it being considered cheating. Win-Win.

Great post despite squinting. Please please please change from blue, but great post!

 

[Maggsgsr]

I use to be a jealous guy.. Then one day it just clicked for me.. Never got jealous again. I just don't care. If a chick ones to hop on another D.. Have at it

I do think people who intentionally try and make people jealous are idiots though. Especially when it isn't working

 

[Bible_Belt]

I do not feel unworthy, or insecure, generally with my partners.

What I fear, is that a new partner is the type of girl who sleeps around and is addicted to attention and branch swinging.

You're phrasing it so that everything is the woman's fault in that scenario. You could alternatively view it as being insecure about not being able to read the girl correctly, and also not being enough to keep her entertained.

 

[Fruitbat]

This is a coping mechanism, no different than just avoiding relationships altogether and spinning plates IMO. It's not the same as a committed relationship.

yeah I couldn't go along with that.

What I find:

When single I work really hard on my life but I am probably more unhappy. I like having a steady GF and not just always having to be in chase mode.

Once I have the girl, I focus less on my life and more on her. She takes over my thoughts too much.

This happened and I got jealous.

So the post above referencing that one day it's coming to an end. One day, one of us will die! One day, a millionaire rock star may randomly fall in love with her. So, it is not about acting aloof and non-possessive, it's about ploughing on through life regardless. If she leaves, so what, I'll be sad to learn she isn't for me, I'll be sad she was a ho, or whatever, but I got no control. I have, however, got control of my own projects, and to the day that I die I can always be captain of that ship.

Which reminds me of that insanely brilliant poem, Invictus:

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul

If you ever get beat up by life, read the whole thing https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51642/invictus

 

[Fruitbat]

You're phrasing it so that everything is the woman's fault in that scenario. You could alternatively view it as being insecure about not being able to read the girl correctly, and also not being enough to keep her entertained.

yes I assumed something about reading the signs would come up. However, even the most hardened interrogators say that you have an even chance of detecting lies. Also, I am not bothered about keeping her entertained. My life is pretty cool, I have plenty to offer. Nontheless, I have seen enough good men get cheated on to be aware there are limits to what one can achieve.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Don't make too many assumptions about other peoples' relationships. You're on the outside looking in, and you don't see everything. Everyone assumes the cheater is 100% evil and the other side is purely innocent, but it's never that simple. People who cheat stray because they have a need that is not being met.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Don't make too many assumptions about other peoples' relationships. You're on the outside looking in, and you don't see everything. Everyone assumes the cheater is 100% evil and the other side is purely innocent, but it's never that simple. People who cheat stray because they have a need that is not being met.

Sometimes that need is the need to cheat.

 

[RangerMIke]

What I fear, is that a new partner is the type of girl who sleeps around and is addicted to attention and branch swinging.

Well.... ALL chicks are like this.

Negative emotions all stem from unfulfilled expectation. The best way to avoid jealousy, anger, frustration... et. al. all negative emotion is to free yourself from something that may happen or be the case in the future.

 

[Dingo]

Jealousy is one powerful emotion.... Tough to beat.

 

[Fruitbat]

Well.... ALL chicks are like this.

Negative emotions all stem from unfulfilled expectation. The best way to avoid jealousy, anger, frustration... et. al. all negative emotion is to free yourself from something that may happen or be the case in the future.

Sleeping around? I will assume you are addressing the branch swinging and attention seeking.....

I can see why so many guys go on about social media. It's hard for us these days to get anything solid because they have incoming 24/7.

For us, we need to actively be hitting up women whilst in an exclusive relationship. So our keeping options is immediately "bad" whereas they can keep "friends" while purporting fidelity.

So, this then leads to - are you right to ask her to drop all orbiters and never speak to guys tapping her up?

Then, you become the controlling BF.

It's a double bind, and all I can say is that having a single mindset at all times must be the key. Yeah, she's your "girlfriend" but that means jack shyt really.

 

[Maggsgsr]

Sleeping around? I will assume you are addressing the branch swinging and attention seeking.....

I can see why so many guys go on about social media. It's hard for us these days to get anything solid because they have incoming 24/7.

For us, we need to actively be hitting up women whilst in an exclusive relationship. So our keeping options is immediately "bad" whereas they can keep "friends" while purporting fidelity.

So, this then leads to - are you right to ask her to drop all orbiters and never speak to guys tapping her up?

Then, you become the controlling BF.

It's a double bind, and all I can say is that having a single mindset at all times must be the key. Yeah, she's your "girlfriend" but that means jack shyt really.

Pretty chitty outlook.. But might be realistic

 

[Von]

Jealousy is one powerful emotion.... Tough to beat.

It's the most destructive one, I would say..... Jealousy is everything bad and weak about you jumping at someone or self-shaming you.... It's your insecurities, lack of confidence, feel of failure in your life, etc...

Nothing more dangerous than Jealousy..

I believe the best way to take Jealousy out is... 1) Being a better man : physical, mentally, love wise

Training to be in shape
Having friends and building friendship
focusing on your self
frame
always be the best and without expectation etc..

 

[resilient]

Two quotes that came to me at the top of my head:

Desire is the root cause of all evil (suffering) - Buddha
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake- Napoleon Bonaparte​

This is not to say women are evil or the "enemy", you just got to know what you're dealing with after committing your body sexually to a woman with every romp in the sack.

Strong emotions carry over in transference. We can look like we're in "control" by stuffing the feels down, acting aloof like you said above, yet we must admit they still affect us to a certain degree.

I think you have to have the right mindset that you were pointing to above Fruitbat is that the world moves on and on and on. You start off with a STR and evaluate if you want to turn it into an LTR w/exclusive privileges that you hand over if you desire a monogamous LTR.

The best thing to do like you said is to be the master and commander of your own ship. You don't have to enter a non-exclusive relationship from the get-go if that is your desire, yet be fast and clear to course correct behavior you don't like in the relationship. This can be done in a serious manner short and sweet or with some humor and move on. Though, to be smart, you'll def. keep track of the offense.

Always exercise your ability to walk.

Never stay in a relationship out of fear or scarcity or that you will do any better, get someone just as hot, or have to go through a long drought of not getting your D wet.

Relationships are about compromise. The more we try to control or rule with an iron fist, they feel suffocated and monkey branch plans become hyper-cognizant and to the forefront of her mind. In that way, women are like cats. The more you want them to obey you or do what you say, they basically say "f you, I'ma do x, y, z."

What I'm learning as I re-entered the dating market since my separation and divorce fall of 2015 is that I know where I'm going in life. That I'm going to be perfectly ok if jumps ship for another branch. It's her loss. Tell yourself that too.

By continuing to take care of yourself.... your financial house will remain in order and intact... take pride in that. You'll be ok with or without the main plate. Your life rocks and you're happy with the way things are.

You don't have to worry about abandonment triggers and fears because you have an awesome life to fall back on if she decides one day to just walk out on you. In that regard, breakups and dropped plates have less of a dent on your frame. You're going to be fine. Acquire new plates when you're ready to jump back on the horse.

I hope that helped.

 

[sosousage]

i ruined one relationship out of Jealousity. thing is, usually once woman notice you are jealous, they will try to manipulate u as much as possible lol.

Jealousity not comes only from low self esteem, but also because we realise how life is. She goes party, she has bf, or husband, shes still likely to bang someone there due to the chemicals that grow in her brain, due to the attraction.

The only effective way for me is to have more plates. LTR or not. if she betrays you, you lose nothing

 

[Fruitbat]

Women very acutely understand that girlfriend and boyfriend are not husband and wife. They may play up the implications of a "committed"(but entirely revocable at any time for any reason) relationship to you and pursue that but it's really little more than an agreement to not sleep with others until she finds someone better. The difference between marriage and a relationship is that in a relationship you are ALLOWED to look for better options.

Isn't marriage supposed to be spending ones lives together, relationship not looking elsewhere, and seeing/dating allowed to look elsewhere.

Can you tell your GF you went on a date this week?

Lines are blurry.

 

[stovepipe]

To me, cheating is never justified. If you aren't getting something from your spouse or you aren't happy, then just leave the relationship. Cheating solves nothing and is the most damaging action one can to do to another. I've never done it nor will I ever, for the simple fact I don't do others what I don't want done to me. I was cheated on for the first time in my last RS, and it was and still is the worst pain I experienced.

 

[Maggsgsr]

Cheating is never justified

 

[sosousage]

to be honest im meeting tommorow a chick that installed tinder yesterday and im aware as hell that regardless if we enter relationship or sexship, she will still have a lot of offers from there and she will probably meet them