PMS...myth or fact? Need help.

[SoCalMike]

you know thats the thing with us women. some women can have a light 4 day period with only a day or two pms before hand. however, some of us do not have that. some of us have a 7 day pms week full of cramps and headaches and backaches, and then have a 10 day period that leaves us too tired for words to express. every women is different. you can not compare your last girl with this one.
however, my husband knows me like a book. he can wake up and give me a kiss and know if its the day my pms week starts. he also knows that during this time, i am going to be a little snappy. so he doesnt demand so much attention or he might not get the right kind of attention. hes rather smart about it, because he doesnt want to argue. so during this time, he lets me have a little more time to myself and he finds things to do.
every now and then, he mentions i snapped at him but was nice to someone who called. well, you have to be nice when someone from work calls, and sometimes i probally am more snappy with him and the kids because we all live together under one roof. this makes me feel terrible because i would never want him to feel badly for something dumb i said that i didnt mean. then i spend the rest of the day trying to be extra nice.
you need to find a nice way to let her know how you feel when it happens to be able to use it to your advantage.

with that being said, you mentioned she is nicer to her sister than you during this time. some women feel a bond during their pms week and their cycle week. its not a bond with just anyone, its a bond with our daughters, mothers, sisters and best friends. most of us are on the same cycle at the same time. its a nesting time. we dont mean to leave you out, but typical men just dont understand it.

we expect the average woman to be irritable during this time, and the way i have always dealt with it is by taking it easy as if she were sick - renting movies, fixing her dinner, etc. i'm 31 and have been in several LTRs and PMS have never been an issue, which is why when i hear these stories it sounds like an excuse for *****y behaviour.

 

[penkitten]

we expect the average woman to be irritable during this time, and the way i have always dealt with it is by taking it easy as if she were sick - renting movies, fixing her dinner, etc. i'm 31 and have been in several LTRs and PMS have never been an issue, which is why when i hear these stories it sounds like an excuse for *****y behaviour.

well mike you sound like a good guy who understands when a woman just doesnt feel well. im not saying we have excuses for bad behavior, im explaining to the guy who wrote the thread what pms is and what it does and why his gf is snappier to him than to her own sister during this period.
sometimes it helps when a woman explains it.

im not horrible to my husband during this time, however i am moody and snappy during this time. he doesnt really pay me any attention when i get like that. usually he just kind of leaves me alone a little or finds something i want to watch on tv or whatever.

i think the best thing he does is makes me laugh. jokes with me and stuff which always makes me forget that i was crabby.

 

[Freddy1]

I personally cannot accept ANY behavior of what I consider “disrespect” or snappiness.
Thanks.

I could totally sympathize with you there. I cant stand that cr*p either.

 

[Vulpine]

I claim that I have a men's version of PMS when I get crabby with women. "Oh, sorry about that, I'm on the rag." But that's just for fun.

I've experienced the emotional rollercoaster of the PMS phenomenon plenty of times with plenty of women. It does indeed vary from one woman to the next, and each woman's control usually depends on their age. The younger women get out of control whereas the older women tend to have a better handle on their emotions during that time. It stands to reason: more experience.

The way I see it, when I'm victim of "PMS bidginess" it's because I'm causing the woman to feel emotions. These emotions that she feels aren't typically drastic, but due to jacked-up hormone levels during the PMS week, these emotions are magnified or amplified. I don't blame the woman for freaking out, I understand her hormones are whacked and write it off. I've learned to be bland during PMS week and not stir any emotions in the women during that time. I don't bring it (What's wrong? PMS?) up as an issue, I just "know what's going on" and exercise some extra patience. I avoid touchy subjects and sidestep disagreements.

Sure, I "poo-poo" to a certain extent, but it's best for both parties - it's not entirely for her sake. If I don't rile a woman up, then I don't have to deal with fits of rage, snappiness, or "bitschy" behavior in general. A little flexibility during PMS time affords me some comfort. Like the rap lyrics: "Don't start no stuff, won' be no stuff."

An example:

During a recent encounter, I was in a conversation with a woman and she got riled and made some "bitschy" comments. I haven't experienced her PMS rage yet, and hadn't been with her long enough to know her cycle, but her comments struck me as out of her character. Directly after her comments, I did not reply. I merely shut up, shut down the conversation, and did something else - like pay attention to the TV or went in the other room to do something. Later, she came to me and apologized:

HB: "I'm sorry I was being a b!tch earlier, I'm PMSing. You're not mad at me are you?"
V: "Naw, I'm not mad. I figured you were up to something." *points at crotch*
HB: "I'm glad you aren't mad. You just got all quiet. I didn't mean to be like that."
V: "Thank you for being aware of it."

Where this chick was aware and diplomatic about the situation, I know that some women aren't. Many women don't have any remorse for unleashing their PMS fury on men or the man in their lives. THAT says something about their personality and character. If they don't feel poorly for behaving poorly, PMS or not, that definitely shows you something about how much respect they have for you. Indeed, PMS is not a free pass for being a b!tch.

PMS time is an excellent time for takeaways: by withdrawing attention/affection, it turns her thoughts inward to how she's behaving that would cause the withdrawal. I found this to be my best (and only) defense against PMS.

In the bible and in other places here, it is written that a DJ should not associate themselves with negativity in a woman's life. Since PMS is a "negative" time, interactions should be fewer, and the subject should be avoided. By being more "friendly" or "passive" than normal during PMS, you set up the "Push". Then, when bitschiness is encountered, you withdraw. This effectively "Pulls" (if or when a woman realizes that they are causiing the withdrawal). When properly played, much attraction can be generated and interest levels can be boosted quite easily. One can actually use a woman's PMS to their own advantage.

 

[Latinoman]

Vulpine: Good post. However, my girlfriend is in her lower 40s. If she was in her 20s...then I would play the "push" and "pull" strategy. With a woman in her 40s (when I'm much more younger, more succesful and more educated), with couple of divorces, and this fascade of "strong" and "can live alone without a man" mask she wears for her female sibblings and friends, I have no time nor the patience.

I will keep her around. I will give her the benefit of the doubt. But I won't allow her to manipulate me. I won't allow her to act like she is the prize. And I won't allow her to disrespect me. As it is, I will practice the PMS "push" and "pull" strategy...so, if I get in a relationship with a younger woman, then I can put that into action.

 

[Vulpine]

It's not so much a "game" as it is more of a "pointing out that she's irritating you". When you obviously (blatently) withdraw, she's going to backpedal and try to replay in her mind what it was that turned you off. Think of it as "shutting up and letting her think of what she just said/did". One minute you are warm and friendly - chatting, touching, laughing, then, the woman says/does something stupid and you withdraw - you get cold, quiet, introverted, and distant (figuratively and/or physically). The woman will most definitely notice the sudden and drastic change in your demeanor and will scramble to figure out "What's going on? What's wrong?" Your reply will be: "Nothing, don't worry about it." or "Nevermind." as you get up and walk away.

The crucial part of this tactic is that you employ it right when the offense occurs, don't wait until later otherwise she won't arrive at the cause.

This method is neither "good communication" nor confrontational, and it is this way for a reason: the woman is PMSing. Would you want to try and kick a bee hive? Of course not. Would you just walk up and start talking to a bee hive? What would that do for you? Are you going to convince the bees to come out and hand over some honey?

It's not healthy to be this way all the time in a relationship, but, PMS'ing all the time wouldn't be healthy either. As much as you may not agree with the "gamey-ness" of it, you can't deny that this technique is a handy tool.

Push/Pull & withdrawal is a way to call attention to a woman's behavior without fanning any flames. A woman can't argue with the fact that she offended you in some way. She can't blame you for HER actions, and she can't target you with more PMS rage because... she already did and now needs to deal with the consequences. Any emotions she feels from there are of her own doing - you're off the hook.

Ultimately, this tactic is suitable for women of all ages, not just young women. What's more, the tactic doesn't take much effort or thought to successfully utilize. Shut up and ignore her - it doesn't get much easier.

 

[Latinoman]

As much as you may not agree with the "gamey-ness" of it, you can't deny that this technique is a handy tool.

Push/Pull & withdrawal is a way to call attention to a woman's behavior without fanning any flames. A woman can't argue with the fact that she offended you in some way. She can't blame you for HER actions, and she can't target you with more PMS rage because... she already did and now needs to deal with the consequences. Any emotions she feels from there are of her own doing - you're off the hook.

Ultimately, this tactic is suitable for women of all ages, not just young women. What's more, the tactic doesn't take much effort or thought to successfully utilize. Shut up and ignore her - it doesn't get much easier.

Oh, I agree 100% with the method.

I just don't want to put an effort (meaning ZERO effort) in applying this method with a woman that is in her lower 40s...has gone through a couple of divorces (and I believe an engagement or two too)...of which SHE claims she ended them all. And just happens to get defensive everytime things don't go her way (e.g. spoiled bratt attitute from time to time).

Otherwise, she is very nice and treats me well...and there is no doubt she is deeply in love with me...but lately, I have decided to take a closer notice to all the little things and the little things do add up and cannot be overlooked. I mean, we have been together for over a year now. So, eventually I have to make a decision.

The advantage of a woman in her 20s is that I can still greatly influence her behavior. She is at least 20+ years away from the menopause. A huge disadvantage is they want "babies". And for some reason, women get WAY TOO ATTACHED with me. They fall in love way too easily.

A woman in her 40s...it is already "spoiled". She is NOT going to change, unless a LOT of effort is put into motion. I would manage to influence her behavior (which is a never ending effort), but I won't be able to change it.

She is loyal...she respects me...she is good with the sex part (although, my ex- had higher libido)...and more importantly she does not have little children and do NOT want any kids. But I know she wants to marry someday...and she has hinted that to the point that even mentioned to me. She in fact has straight up told me she would like to spent the rest of her life with ME. I won't have a problem with that if

1- Marriage is not involved
2- She adjust some of her whining (PMS or not)
3- She gets more emotional independent (from me, sibblings, etc.).

I cannot marry a person that ends relationships when things does not go her way. Heck, I have serious issues about marrying again! I don't even know if I would manage to stay with one woman for the rest of my life! So, that's another issue. Soon...very soon...I would say within the next 6-10 months, my issue with my kids/divorce/career should be 100% solved. And then, I can focus on other aspects of my life (e.g. finding other women if it comes to that). For the time being...she is good. So, she has 6-10 months to get better. I will give her a GREAT time...and I will enjoy mine. That's the best I can do for now.

 

[Vulpine]

I see, there's more to it than the PMS b!tchiness. You're also worried about the old dog/new tricks aspect. Yeah, younger women are where it's at. Good luck with that.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

It's not so much a "game" as it is more of a "pointing out that she's irritating you". When you obviously (blatently) withdraw, she's going to backpedal and try to replay in her mind what it was that turned you off. Think of it as "shutting up and letting her think of what she just said/did". One minute you are warm and friendly - chatting, touching, laughing, then, the woman says/does something stupid and you withdraw - you get cold, quiet, introverted, and distant (figuratively and/or physically). The woman will most definitely notice the sudden and drastic change in your demeanor and will scramble to figure out "What's going on? What's wrong?" Your reply will be: "Nothing, don't worry about it." or "Nevermind." as you get up and walk away.

The crucial part of this tactic is that you employ it right when the offense occurs, don't wait until later otherwise she won't arrive at the cause.

This method is neither "good communication" nor confrontational, and it is this way for a reason: the woman is PMSing. Would you want to try and kick a bee hive? Of course not. Would you just walk up and start talking to a bee hive? What would that do for you? Are you going to convince the bees to come out and hand over some honey?

It's not healthy to be this way all the time in a relationship, but, PMS'ing all the time wouldn't be healthy either. As much as you may not agree with the "gamey-ness" of it, you can't deny that this technique is a handy tool.

Push/Pull & withdrawal is a way to call attention to a woman's behavior without fanning any flames. A woman can't argue with the fact that she offended you in some way. She can't blame you for HER actions, and she can't target you with more PMS rage because... she already did and now needs to deal with the consequences. Any emotions she feels from there are of her own doing - you're off the hook.

Ultimately, this tactic is suitable for women of all ages, not just young women. What's more, the tactic doesn't take much effort or thought to successfully utilize. Shut up and ignore her - it doesn't get much easier.

Vulpine - I do not disagree with you on this method, but I'd like to add that FIRST the boundary HAS TO BE SET. The line in the sand HAS TO be established. I agree with your idea ONLY AFTER a man has made it known the offense she has made. The silent treatment is not a good form of "punishment" IF she is not clear on her wrong doing. It leaves too much room for assumptions to be made and miscommunications to occur.

Personally, Mr. Pix and I decided long ago that the "silent treatment" or replying with a "FINE!" or "never mind" was unacceptable in our home. We have to talk it out, maybe not right at the moment, but once our thoughts are gathered the matter will be addressed. If I were to say a comment less then respectful he'd have NO PROBLEM in calling me out. If he should do or say something to me that is hurtful, he will know it too, immediately.

We all have choices to make in our actions. If our sanity is intact, be it PMS, work stress or the state of the nation, it doesn't give us the right to take out our issues on others, especially our lovers.

Mr. Pix told me once that it doesn't matter what I say to him, what matters is how he understands it. This is our foundation for communication.

 

[Latinoman]

I see, there's more to it than the PMS b!tchiness. You're also worried about the old dog/new tricks aspect. Yeah, younger women are where it's at. Good luck with that.

I'm worry about that...and the fact that she is very emotionally dependent. Wants a LOT of my attention. And cannot accept that things will not always go her way.

I heard that in her past relationship, "m"en did whatever possible to make her happy. I'm not one of them. I do what makes ME happy and what I feel can make a healthy relationship work. Of course, I take her into consideration, but I am not going to make myself unhappy to make her happy. And although that has worked very well (to the point that she feels very aroused to that masculinity)...when it comes time for PMS, I have learned it does not work well at all. Which is fine. But the emotional dependency appears to be constant and after this past week, I started to take a very close look at the relationship and put all the little tiny pieces together.

 

[Latinoman]

Mr. Pix told me once that it doesn't matter what I say to him, what matters is how he understands it.

A point I have made very clear with her and prior relationships. Also, when I give advice to people.

 

[Vulpine]

Vulpine - I do not disagree with you on this method, but I'd like to add that FIRST the boundary HAS TO BE SET. The line in the sand HAS TO be established. I agree with your idea ONLY AFTER a man has made it known the offense she has made. The silent treatment is not a good form of "punishment" IF she is not clear on her wrong doing. It leaves too much room for assumptions to be made and miscommunications to occur.

Personally, Mr. Pix and I decided long ago that the "silent treatment" or replying with a "FINE!" or "never mind" was unacceptable in our home. We have to talk it out, maybe not right at the moment, but once our thoughts are gathered the matter will be addressed. If I were to say a comment less then respectful he'd have NO PROBLEM in calling me out. If he should do or say something to me that is hurtful, he will know it too, immediately.

I personally try to live by the concept of "I will not confront you when I'm angry." Many of you will recognize where that is from, and it applies extremely well in this situation. Yourself and Mr. Pix are doing the same. It doesn't necessarily mean you are giving each other the "silent treatment". Instead, you are changing the subject or putting it on hold until the emotion of the moment has dissipated. Perhaps it will be brought up later. If it turns out that it was trivial, many times the subject is forgotten entirely.

Since you and Mr. Pix aren't confronting each other when you are emotional, than you are actually BOTH using this method on each other. Mr. Pix doesn't get into arguements when you are emotional (or, PMS'ing), and you don't confront him when he's... whatever.

There is no line in the sand to draw for respect - that should be a given. There is no boundary that needs to be established for making your significant other feel poorly - that's simply being cruel. Furthermore, after one or the other has been offended, to state why they are offended is to start an arguement or open the door for further discussion, qualifying, justifications, etc. To come out and "talk about" the offensive behavior is beginning a negative conversation in an emotional situation which will only elevate negative emotions further whereas shutting down the situation and withdrawing de-escalates the negative emotion.

I said:

"It's not healthy to be this way all the time in a relationship, but, PMS'ing all the time wouldn't be healthy either."

That was meant to imply that this method is only good for times of increased irrationality by a woman, i.e. PMS.

If I were to say a comment less then respectful he'd have NO PROBLEM in calling me out.

Sure, at any time BESIDES when you are PMS'ing. I've got five bucks that says he writes-off offenses rather than call you out when it's that time of YOUR cycle.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

Sure, at any time BESIDES when you are PMS'ing. I've got five bucks that says he writes-off offenses rather than call you out when it's that time of YOUR cycle.

Someone owes me 5 dollars!!!

In short, there is never a tolerable reason to offend your lover, in his opinion. It reminded him of the old Flip Wilson days of "the devil made me do it". Be it PMS, mars in retrograde or a change in the tides his boundaries do not yield or waiver. His boundary is NO DISRESPECT, given or received.

He added that a personal boundary can not be a "fad" or a bluff; a man would never be taken seriously if he changed his ways to accommodate a woman's many moods.

I will quit now, he climbed upon his soap box for over 20 minutes, but I believe I hit the highlights.

Where's my 5 bucks?

 

[Latinoman]

Someone owes me 5 dollars!!!

In short, there is never a tolerable reason to offend your lover, in his opinion. It reminded him of the old Flip Wilson days of "the devil made me do it". Be it PMS, mars in retrograde or a change in the tides his boundaries do not yield or waiver. His boundary is NO DISRESPECT, given or received.

He added that a personal boundary can not be a "fad" or a bluff; a man would never be taken seriously if he changed his ways to accommodate a woman's many moods.

I will quit now, he climbed upon his soap box for over 20 minutes, but I believe I hit the highlights.

Where's my 5 bucks?

And I agree 100% with him. That's MY point too. Has been my point all my adulthood life and might explain why my ex-wife excercise self control (assuming she suffered of PMS).

I have come to realize, however, that I need to REDUCE the "teasing" and "bad-boy attitude" during that period. And I will work on that. But no tolerate disrespect...I can't.

 

[Vulpine]

Someone owes me 5 dollars!!! ... Where's my 5 bucks?

So, you just went up and asked him: "Blah, blah, would you ever... how would you react?"

And you think that's proof positive of how he would actually be in a situation? It's all theorhetical and situational, so, to say "I'd never..." or "I wouldn't..." is a little too definite, wouldn't you agree?

Yet, to say that I would jump up in a woman's sh!t for making a little snipe when she's crabby is too extreme and unjust given the circumstances. Now, if a woman started a Vulpine bashing rampage, by all means, I'd shut that down with a quickness and stand my ground. It's all a matter of what you deem offensive and when. It's the difference between rolling your eyes when someone calls you a name versus washing their mouth out with your fist... it's situational. My point here is that the punishment should fit the crime, and it's a huge grey area.

I would answer those questions you asked your husband in the same "strong" manner. Would I tell my wife that I let some sh!t slide to avoid a fight right to her face? FUQ NO! Your husband gave you an answer that YOU NEEDED TO HEAR: not necessarily a lie, not necessarily the truth. Good for him, he IS a smooth one.

Your husband's word alone won't hold up in court - I need a polygraph. 'Till then, I'm keeping the $5.

 

[Latinoman]

Good for him, he IS a smooth one.

He has to be. That's how DJism works in marriages.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

So, you just went up and asked him: "Blah, blah, would you ever... how would you react?"

Nope, I said: "Hey, love, read what that dear lad Vul replied and tell me what you think." He reads the sight often, I've not he here without his knowledge.

And you think that's proof positive of how he would actually be in a situation? It's all theorhetical and situational, so, to say "I'd never..." or "I wouldn't..." is a little too definite, wouldn't you agree?

Nope, he always walks this talk, he does not bluff, his actions speak for him.

Yet, to say that I would jump up in a woman's sh!t for making a little snipe when she's crabby is too extreme and unjust given the circumstances.

I understand your point and raise you this, there is no "given the circumstances". There are many facets to the PMS syndrome, the blending of emotions, moods and physical pains even, that I am held responsible and accountable for, not him. As much as he understands and accepts that blessed event of a woman's cycle each month, it is just that, the WOMAN's cycle. He didn't cause it nor will he allow the effects to be taken out on him. If he did, why not other things??? Why not allow an argument with her mother to be brought on him, a traffic ticket, a pissy coworker, hell, he could shoulder a huge emotional fest if he doesn't draw the line in the sand and state "I will see you on the other side of hell, darling, but I will not walk through it with you."

I need a polygraph. 'Till then, I'm keeping the $5.

LOL!!!

 

[Vulpine]

*shuts up, gets up and goes into the other room*

 

[Vulpine]

*Peeks head out of other room*

By the way...

He reads the sight often, I've not he here without his knowledge.

*site