Please help another victim of cheating!

[chokedealer]

Hey guys I'm going crazy with this problem of mine. I could use some advice from more experienced gentlemen. I've been in a LTR with this girl for 4 years, she's 3 years my senior. 6 months into the relationship I went away for a month and came back to find that she wanted to split. Turns out she had been seeing some other guy (older, more financially stable) while I was away, but according to her it was just hanging out with friends and she eventually caught feelings but never acted. Still she wanted to be with him and ignored me for a week. Eventually I got a hold of her and managed to convince her to take me back. She agreed to never see the other guy again and we continued with our relationship.

2 years later the past was brought up about that guy she left me for 2 years ago. I never believed that she only "liked" him, so I accused her of sleeping with him and she finally caved and admitted to sleeping with him during the 2 weeks she was him. Of COURSE she tried to minimize the damage by saying it was only twice that they slept together. I DO NOT believe this at all, not then, not now. But again, I was a sucker and convinced myself that it was a long time ago and that both her and I had changed. I hung in there but was a different boyfriend now, more detached, less caring.

Now here we are today. Things are going great with her and the sex is amazing (it's actually gotten better as the years progressed, weird huh?) But the fact that she cheated still bugged me so I browsed her internet history ( I know, insecure, yadda yadda) and I saw that she visited the the Facebook of a friend of the guy she had an affair with. I looked at the photo album of his birthday party from 3 years ago and guess who I see? In every picture my gf is with the guy she cheated on me with, looking like a couple. No surprise cause I already knew right? The thing is the photos were dated a month and a half after her and I got back together! And those photos are 3 years old, why is she checking them out now??

When I confronted her about it she frantically tried to find a good story to cover it up. Her story goes like this, after she took me back the other guy went on a trip for a month. When he returned he called her out and gave her some ****ty gifts. She said they argued about it and she went home. A little later he calls her again to go to his buddys bday, she goes there and stays for the dinner with the guy but after he drops her off at home. Soon after she called him to say she didn't want him to call her anymore. OF COURSE she says no sex transpired during that time. I want to believe her but I don't. I told her to **** off but she cried and cried saying it was her biggest regret, telling me not to throw away all the things we worked for. She admits that her feelings for me were no where near as strong as they are now. I'm ready to drive the nail in the coffin except a huge part of me is saying that the incident was 3 years ago and it's really hard to ignore the closeness that we've managed to share since then.

What to do, what to do?

 

[st_99]

Most likely you'll always resent her. Having said that, its over.

 

[The_411]

A) She's full of ****e. She's checking him out because she's romanticizing a relationship that never was. She's imagining the what could have been which means that sooner or later he'll either pop back in the picture or a new guy will tickle her fanny (yes this was a deliberate misspelling).

B) She's 3 years older than you you're supposed to date women who are young and chase cougars for sport. She went after the more established guy because it's more natural for her to do so. It spoke deliberately to what she wants. So while she may like you etc. She's secretly yearning for a more successful guy who can provide her with material crap.

My vote is 86 her. You can't trust her and she's showing she a lying conniving biyatch. Why settle for someone who doesn't appear to respect you and clearly on multiple occasions has disrespected you.

You're just wasting time with someone who is a waste of your time because she doesn't deserve you and her behavior demonstrates that.

P.S. Don't say you are a victim because saying you're a victim is AFC and womanish and basically screams I have no control over what happens. Take control. You played a role in the cheating albeit your role was not a direct one. You were likely too AFC and/or she's of low quality. She sucks and you need to figure where you went soft or how you got to AFC land. If a woman is desparatly in love with you she's not going to cheat.

I'm not insulting you but rather saying you need to toughen up and just say she sucked and she's a wh0re. and I deserve a lot more.

 

[Radharc]

How does she behave now? is her behaviour consistently loyal and proper? are you her top priority in life? Even if it is so, if you cant deal with what happened (I probably wouldn´t be able to) no point in staying with her...it'll allways bug you, like a nagging feeling in the back of your head...

But you are the one who can really evaluate where the relationship is now and where do you see it going. Is this story the only complaint or suspicion you have about her?

 

[chokedealer]

I do really resent her actions and the way she's been carrying herself throughout this whole ordeal. When she recounts her stories they are somewhat plausible, but it sounds like she minimizes the damage whenever possible. So I don't believe her in that respect, on the other hand I do believe that she has no intention of repeating those actions. The reason being is her current behavior. For the past 2-3 years she has been a pretty good girlfriend, no suspicious behavior or anything. I kind of wish she acted like a **** all these years so it'd be easier to walk away, but that just isn't the case.

Is it possible that her affection really did grow over the years? 6 months in to a relationship isn't exactly short but getting to know someone well might not happen in that amount of time. I'm trying to be objective about this whole situation, so I want to look at it from her perspective. Let's say I did the same thing, cheated on her after 6 months but realized that I made a mistake and wanted to forget about it and move on. So I tell her that nothing happened, eventually she finds out that something did in fact happen, wouldn't I try to minimize the damage as well? If I was afraid of losing her I might say anything to keep her. Does that mean I want to or will cheat again?

This is such a hard thing to overcome no matter which choice I take, and the whole thing has drained me emotionally. It's easy to see the situation from the outside and say that it's obvious to leave, once a cheater always a cheater. Having to deal with it unfortunately isn't so simple. I feel we do love each other as much as any couple can at the moment, do I throw that away because of a mistake she made when our bond was not as tight?

Still.. this is a terrible thing to deal with, and I'm really leaning to giving her the boot, I just hope it's not my ego that's clouding my ability to make a proper decision.

 

[jophil28]

2 years later the past was brought up about that guy she left me for 2 years ago. I never believed that she only "liked" him, so I accused her of sleeping with him and she finally caved and admitted to sleeping with him during the 2 weeks she was him.

Enough said.

 

[Bible_Belt]

What do you want out of the relationship? Is it marriage, children, and lifelong commitment? Or is it simply a good time right now?

People cheat when their needs are not met. It's an ugly fact of relationships, and it hurts when one's romantic preconceptions of women get crushed. Unfortunately, if you dump this girl now, I'm not sure that the next girl you date is any more likely to be faithful than your current girlfriend. My views are cynical, but they do come from experience.

Another positive about your current girlfriend is that I doubt she'd ever leave you for cheating on her. She'd just blame herself. You now possess, to paraphrase Chris Rock, a "Get Some Pvssy for Free card."

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear ChokeDealer,
Bible belt is right,there is no future with her....If I am not mistaken,you will find he is also cheating,probably married....She is being played with just as you are,hence her lack of shame....That's Female "logic" mate...as Bible says you have a good FBuddy...just spin plates for a while,play her at her own game...She probably loves this Guy,it could go on for years...don't bother investigating how,when and why...get yourself another Lady and you will suddenly find you are Happy again enjoying the Bread from two ovens.....In the 1930's there was a screen dramatisation of Shnitzlers perceptive Play La Ronde,about how all the 13 Characters are each loved by someone but love another character,who is in in the same boat,so we go from relationship to relationship until the Circle closes,with the last character wanting the first character...terrific movie,and you can learn from it...the Play is in any good Library a good read.

 

[Slickster]

Still she wanted to be with him and ignored me for a week. Eventually I got a hold of her and managed to convince her to take me back. She agreed to never see the other guy again and we continued with our relationship.

If you could go back to that moment what would you do? Re-live the past couple years with this liar or move on to someone better?

This person can't be trusted. She has disrespected you repeatedly. The fact that you've let it happen means your own self respect is low. She will not respect you either due to that fact.

Move on with your life because living with someone you can't trust is torture.

 

[MonkeyButt]

Won't be the last time, are you prepared?

My ex and I were married (common law) for 15 years.
Big house, child, *.*

In the second year of our relationship, she had a fling and wanted to end the relationship (lying about everything). We had a toddler at the time. I found out, was able to get primary custody and boot her out.
Sadly, I did not.
Fast forward 11 more years. I'm older, more relaxed. Another affair, this one more serious. We're split now. It tore my heart out. Didn't see it coming until it came. They just get better at it.

Statistically speaking ChokeDealer, your relationship has no chance.
Best to boot her to the curb.

I lost 250K by believing that someone could change, that all would be ok.
I'll be an illusive prick until the day I die because of it.

Save yourself the pain man, kick her to the curb and lick your wounds while they're only emotional.

ps: this is my first post on this site, but I felt this topic merited it.

My two cents.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7

It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never what you thought it was.

Even if you could go back to where you were, any relationship you might have with an ex will be colored by all of the issues that led up to the breakup. In other words, you know the end result of those issues.

Most guys (i.e. chumps) in this situation are constantly seeking confirmation of their suspicions. They play detective, they hack email accounts, they read diaries, they check texts and cell phone logs, all in a long drawn out effort to confirm what they already know; her desire is for another guy. Truth be told, when a relationship reaches this stage, the woman WANTS to be discovered. After she's come to a point where her genuine desire is not for her husband/BF, and she's ƒucked the new guy, the only real resolution is to break it to her soon-to-be ex. It's far easier, emotionally, to be discovered than it is to confront her husband face-to-face.

The operative in any case of infidelity is always desire. It's not about rebuilding trust or any of that Dr. Phil touchy-feely crap. The fact is her genuine desire is to ƒuck the new guy, not you. She may still ƒuck you out of a sense of obligation, but even if you go to 'couples counseling' and promise each other to "work out your issues", but you're only negotiating the terms of her having sex with you. The 800 pound gorilla that will never go away is that you will NEVER again be her first priority when it comes to desire. You may be married for 30 years, but there will always be that one time when she ƒucked that other guy, and everything you think you've built with her over the years will always be compromised by that doubt of her desire. Every time she squeezes her eyes shut when she comes you'll think "I wonder if she's fantasizing about that guy."

I went away for a month and came back to find that she wanted to split. Still she wanted to be with him and ignored me for a week. Eventually I got a hold of her and managed to convince her to take me back. She agreed to never see the other guy again and we continued with our relationship.

In the encyclopedia AFC, there has never been a more textbook example of beta supplication, DLV and desire negotiation in the history of chumpishness. Don't take this as a flame, it's just an observation of facts that you need to be aware of. Your relationship is already over, her leaving you is just a formality at this point. 5 minutes of his Alpha was worth 5 years of your beta.

 

[vatoloco]

Well, you already got very good advice but I just wanted to comment on this.

"Please help another victim of cheating!"

No offense man but, there are hardly true "victims." Usually, they're "volunteers." Your relationship with this woman is already poisoned so it must end but for next time, you have to be honest with yourself so that you don't volunteer yourself into another bad relationship.

You have to see the red flags and not be blinded by your high interest level in a woman.

Good luck, my friend.

 

[backbreaker]

What gets me, is I am going to tell you exactly what is going to happen.


He's not going to listen to a shread of advice given becuase "this is different' or "she is different". she's going to put on a show, convince him that this time it will be different and that it's seriously over, she's going to **** his brains out. 6 months, a year, maybe even 2 from now, she's going to do the same thing again, and he will come back here saying how he didn't see it coming or how she is so wrong and how she ruined his life, blah blah blah, when the fault is no one but the OP's.

If you know a guy is a dope fiend and you leave him in your house alone, and your **** comes up missing, you can't really blame the dope fiend. He is doing what he has shown to do time and time again. It's your fault for putting him in a position to do what he does. When this woman does what she does again, it's not her fault. She has shown you her colors

 

[Colossus]

This is such a hard thing to overcome no matter which choice I take, and the whole thing has drained me emotionally. It's easy to see the situation from the outside and say that it's obvious to leave, once a cheater always a cheater. Having to deal with it unfortunately isn't so simple. I feel we do love each other as much as any couple can at the moment, do I throw that away because of a mistake she made when our bond was not as tight?

You are right that dealing with it is a totally different thing than being an impartial observer. However, that doesn't change the facts. The reality here is---despite your 3 years of relative happiness together--is that you are NEVER going to get over it. It bothers you enough NOW, years later, that you were compelled to stalk her facebook. I never advocate snooping or violating privacy, but in this case all it did was reinforce your gut suspicions.

Here are the facts and I encourage you to refer to them when you want to give in to nostalgia and keep her as your gf:

1) She cheated on you. Fvcked another dude, behind your back, while you two were in a mutually-agreed exclusive relationship.
2) You had to CONVINCE her to come back to you. That means there was (is) a patent LACK of genuine desire on her part.
3) She is STILL checking his facebook. She is not over him, sorry.
4) She lied to you about it. Like anyone would when confronted and too much of a coward for the truth.

So, those are FACTS, not opinions, based on what you have told us.

Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest to follow through with. It would be easy to stay with her and delude yourself until the next time she cheats on you, but stand up for yourself man. Of COURSE she is crying with regret...She got caught. Women really dont like to be alone, and if they are going to be single they dont want to be dumped. This is your second chance. You caved in the first time, now you have MORE dirt on her and your remaining man-cards are on the table. It's gonna hurt, but you'll respect yourself for it in the long run.

 

[Burroughs]

When did men turn into whining, sniveling women?

Chokedealer: all women lie, nearly all the time based on how they FEEL

If you then MIMIC their ways and act on how YOU FEEL instead of COLD HARD LOGIC then you are well and truly fvcked.

But I see by your text you will not listen to us, so you are fvcked

 

[chokedealer]

You guys are right, I don't know why I'm trying to make excuses for her actions. Nothing can change the facts, and the fact is she cheated. I don't even know why I keep trying to cling on and find out more "info", fvck sakes the info I already have is that she has been known to cheat what more do I need to know? cheating 6 months in, or 6 years, either way shows her lack of respect for a mutual union and if a person doesn't have respect for that will they ever?

***** is a pretty powerful thing, she's got me questioning my own principles like, "oh maybe its not as bad because it happened years ago" the fvck is wrong with me? I don't know, right now she's trying to make me happy by doing whatever I want so I might just enjoy the ride for a bit. What do you guys think about that? Keep her around to fvck or just leave her now?

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Leave

 

[Colossus]

Do not keep her around and enjoy the ride. It doesnt work that way, trust me. Let the dead be dead and move on fresh.

 

[C-quenced]

Do not keep her around and enjoy the ride. It doesnt work that way, trust me. Let the dead be dead and move on fresh.

I totally agree but lets be realistic. In the state he's in I highly doubt he's prepared to just leave. After all it's been 4 years that he's been with this broad. Simple solution but very difficult to follow through.

 

[C-quenced]

Hey guys I'm going crazy with this problem of mine. I could use some advice from more experienced gentlemen. I've been in a LTR with this girl for 4 years, she's 3 years my senior. 6 months into the relationship I went away for a month and came back to find that she wanted to split. Turns out she had been seeing some other guy (older, more financially stable) while I was away, but according to her it was just hanging out with friends and she eventually caught feelings but never acted. Still she wanted to be with him and ignored me for a week. Eventually I got a hold of her and managed to convince her to take me back. She agreed to never see the other guy again and we continued with our relationship.

2 years later the past was brought up about that guy she left me for 2 years ago. I never believed that she only "liked" him, so I accused her of sleeping with him and she finally caved and admitted to sleeping with him during the 2 weeks she was him. Of COURSE she tried to minimize the damage by saying it was only twice that they slept together. I DO NOT believe this at all, not then, not now. But again, I was a sucker and convinced myself that it was a long time ago and that both her and I had changed. I hung in there but was a different boyfriend now, more detached, less caring.

Now here we are today. Things are going great with her and the sex is amazing (it's actually gotten better as the years progressed, weird huh?) But the fact that she cheated still bugged me so I browsed her internet history ( I know, insecure, yadda yadda) and I saw that she visited the the Facebook of a friend of the guy she had an affair with. I looked at the photo album of his birthday party from 3 years ago and guess who I see? In every picture my gf is with the guy she cheated on me with, looking like a couple. No surprise cause I already knew right? The thing is the photos were dated a month and a half after her and I got back together! And those photos are 3 years old, why is she checking them out now??

When I confronted her about it she frantically tried to find a good story to cover it up. Her story goes like this, after she took me back the other guy went on a trip for a month. When he returned he called her out and gave her some ****ty gifts. She said they argued about it and she went home. A little later he calls her again to go to his buddys bday, she goes there and stays for the dinner with the guy but after he drops her off at home. Soon after she called him to say she didn't want him to call her anymore. OF COURSE she says no sex transpired during that time. I want to believe her but I don't. I told her to **** off but she cried and cried saying it was her biggest regret, telling me not to throw away all the things we worked for. She admits that her feelings for me were no where near as strong as they are now. I'm ready to drive the nail in the coffin except a huge part of me is saying that the incident was 3 years ago and it's really hard to ignore the closeness that we've managed to share since then.

What to do, what to do?

You really want to avoid using words such as "we", "us" etc...

I tried to put it all in bold for you and I apologize for those I may have missed. The point I am trying to make is that there is no relationship. If there's anything you could be 100% certain of (contrary to what you feel and want to believe) it's that she has no respect for you and certainly doesn't love you. She's only sorry for being caught so don't let her crocodile tears throw you off guard.

backbreaker made a very solid point. Whatever you do just don't make the tempting mistake of thinking that the "relationship" is different or that she's different and she'll see things a certain way and change for you. it's not gonna happen.

You could do exactly as PairPlusRoyalFlush said and in few weeks or months without notice just walk out of her life and disappear forever.