PD? Read, decide and give me your pearls of wisdom please! (Part 1)

[captainkirkz]

Hello All. This is my first post on here. I never thought i would have to, to be honest but hey, i need to vent this lot.

Every part of this post (probably multiple posts) that i type will be relevant in one way or another so bear with me

I'm 51 and i thought i had seen it all but i obviously hadn't. I have no propensity towards whack job women and have built 3 pretty successful relationships in my time. I do like 'quirky' but not out and out crazy.

My story begins way back in 1997. The back story .....From 1982 to this point, i had been with the mother of my children. We had one of those relationships that other people saw as 'unbreakable'. Two up two down, 3 lovely kids etc etc. However, around 1994 she had a brief fling which i sussed pretty quickly and i was devastated. I took my eye off the ball a bit what with working all the time and she was flattered by the attention she received from someone else. You know the drill. I had never strayed up to that point. I'd had opportunities but just didn't. (I did have a one night stand a little later in 1996 but it wasn't revenge)

We worked at it and got through that. However, she started working as a care assistant and started chasing the dollar with this old guy she was caring for. At this point i started to lose respect for her. Things started to appear in the house, new carpets, sofa etc etc. Hell, even a new car at one point! She started disappearing on Sundays, which is family time, for meals in fancy restaurants with this old dude.
I said to her 'Pack it in now or you will have no family to come back to'

This was mid 1997 and we were at a real low ebb.

I was working in IT as a programmer at the time and was quite used to having great looking women around me in the workplace. I wasn't available to them though although the flirting was an ego boost. At this point a new girl started work there. I will call her Rose. Didn't notice her at first really. A little overweight and nothing major about her to make her stand out.

She had worked there for a couple of months before i really had my first proper contact with her. I was troubleshooting a problem in her department and ended up sitting at a desk facing hers. We got chatting as i was working and it was just a load of banter at first. Nothing unusual there. I noticed though that she was blushing furiously at regular intervals and realised she was 'interested'. Normally i would have just had a laugh and retreated, but i don't know what the hell happened and maybe it was because my relationship was at a low ebb but, i was 'interested' too. She had hooked me in somehow. We started talking about the Christmas party which wasn't too far away. I said i was going and she said that she was too and arranged to have a drink and chat when we were there.

And so, i made a beeline for Rose as soon as i got to the party. It was madness. We stayed together the entire evening and we got on so well it was like meeting the other part of me. She told me how she had been in a relationship that had finished and that she was over him as he had treated her badly. How the hell it happened is beyond me but i was totally hooked! I sent her home in a taxi and walked home 6 miles in sub-zero temperatures lol.

The following Monday we hooked up in the coffee room and decided to have a day out shopping later in the week(shopping haha) ....... to be continued ...................

 

[captainkirkz]

PD? Read, decide and give me your pearls of wisdom please! (Part 2)

So, we go on the 'shopping' trip. Ended up in a hotel. I was frozen to the bed. Sh*ttin myself and she pulled me in and we jigged it. Cool, it was great!

If i wasn't hooked before i was now! We followed this up with more hotel visits and we me visiting her house as often as possible. The sex was ok but not wild as such. Her head however was mind blowing! Sucked it, i shot it, she drank it, every last drop. It was like having a mega powered hoover attached to my c*ck! A few things worried me a bit. She kept saying i was hurting her in a childlike voice, when i quite plainly wasn't but i got used to it.

She seemed perfect but remember, all the time i'm guilty as my kids and partner are at home, waiting. Didn't sit well with me at all.

So, at this point i'm well and truly gone on her. I played the field before when i was young so i'm no mug but this one, well she's off the scale.

All of a sudden things start taking a strange turn. The first thing i notice is her staring off into space when i'm talking to her (dissociation as it turns out i think). Like i said, i had various partners before settling down and having kids so i thought myself a man of the world but, this was the first time at the age of 37 that i came in contact with what i now know is 'Red Flag' behaviour.

It felt like she was pushing me away. Initially i got a bit AFC but my own survival instincts kicked in pretty quickly and i backed off (bearing in mind i already had my family to consider even though it was rocky). I kept her at arms length. Not long after i got a frantic phone call late at night asking me to meet her in the car park at the public house we used. I met her, soothed her and it seemed ok. This happened a couple more times ..... same MO .. frantic call, me dashing out and crisis over.

So things are rosy again. More house visits, hoover blow jobs and all.
Like i said things weren't sitting well for me at home so i then made a fatal mistake. I left my partner! (14 years later we admit we should have stayed together but hindsight is a great thing)

Uncannily, i find out not long after, that Rose's ex has reappeared (explained the freaky calls late at night) and this fvcked her up emotionally. So i was caught in this pushing and pulling cycle that i had never encountered before. It was agony. I alternated between AFC behaviour and cutting myself off. When i cut off she sucked me back in and vice versa. I couldn't fathom it and eventually she decided to go back to her ex (5 years but mainly at distance as he worked away). I had to walk away and to be honest i felt a bit relieved that the game was over. It was back in the day so electronic communication was far less. Emails were about but texting hadn't taken hold really, no FB, Twitter or whatever and cutting off wasn't easy but far easier than it is today. I was a bit bewildered and had to deal with the consequences off my LTR breakup, but got back on my feet pretty quick (the time span of the whole me and Rose thing was only 5 months but felt like a whole lot longer)

......... to be continued

 

[captainkirkz]

PD? Read, decide and give me your pearls of wisdom please! (Part 3)

I had to see Rose at work for about 3 weeks after but she decided to leave and work elsewhere. That made it easier all round. 3 months later she called me and asked to meet me. I should have said no but the 'nice' bloke in me said yes. It was for her closure obviously and had no benefit to me at all.

So that was it. I never thought i would hear from her again. 15 months later ..... i get a postcard at my desk. 'Hello stranger, i'm working in Holland, cool job. How are you, how's the family?' It was as if nothing had ever happened really. I rsponded and eventually we exchanged email adresses and phone numbers and from then on we stayed in touch, electronics only.
She always contacted me in a bit of a crisis but it's not unusual for me as i have always been a good listener. In between, she was entertaining and she was at arms length and i wasn't emotionally attached. She was just another friend.

I got married and it was another good relationship really. 'K' my wife didn't do the step family thing too well (as she has since admitted) but we stayed together for 7 years until the step family thing got in the way one time too many. I did things wrong too as you do but sometimes things aren't meant to be.

Through this time, Rose was in touch ocassionally. She started sending me photo's of her and her daughter or her and her brother drinking etc etc. I had a little window on her life that she was giving me. All friendly stuff.

After my marriage broke down i was done with women. I move out and lived with my daughter for a while and just enjoyed my own company, played online poker, went to gigs and drank with the lads. Cool!
I was still speaking to Rose and we agreed that she would pay me a visit. She had since moved back closer to her family 250 miles away so it was more of a journey. However, i got cold feet at the last minute and called it off (old wounds circulating)
The following week i was at a party and met an old friend 'M' (25 years). We hit it off in a different way and started dating. She was just a FB at first but she grew on me and we ended up together. She was the best thing ever in the best of ways. Kind, giving, caring, funny, a true soul mate. So there i was, sorted for life and i knew it. She knew it.

Fvcking fate had different ideas though and she was struck down with Breast Cancer. She died in my arms of a Pulmonary Embolism (a side effect of the chemo etc she was having). Excuse me, but if there is a God he's a c*nt. 3 years of bliss that was and i miss her so much.
So you see, my history is pretty much of decent caring relationships

...... Epic to be continued

 

[captainkirkz]

PD? Read, decide and give me your pearls of wisdom please! (Part 4)

So, to the final chapter .....

Sorry, just to backtrack a bit. Towards the end of my relationship with my wife, i wasn't getting any so decided to take the opportunities that came my way. I had so many plates spinning at that time that i lost count. The rules were the same for all of them though ..... No partner, no attachment so they were clean and green. Brilliant .... i had a great time and did feel guilty at times but everyone has needs right. DJ big time!

When 'M' died i did my grieving (you never stop but i have learned to get on with it) She would have said to me 'Get on with it', so i did.

Ladies were popping me their numbers saying that if i ever needed a chat to call them. Got em! So before long i'm spinning plates again .... 3 on the go. I was back on my feet again and feeling really confident.

I called Rose and decided to go to see her. I was on a bit of a high and thought after all this time that it would be good to catch up with an old mate (time had faded the memory of what went on before and we just felt like old friends)
I went to see her with the mind of having a couple of nights out and a good drink and possibly some no holds fvcking i must admit. But no strings hey?

As soon as we saw each other it was like 'Whoa' ... fireworks and we were both a bit uncomfortable at first. That soon disappeared though and we went for a drink with 2 of her friends. More or less straight off she was saying great things about me .... 'Isn't he great?' and the like. My balls grew by the second.
I was pretty cool about it and we got back to her house and i was going to sleep on the couch. She had other ideas though and we ended up in bed (i know i could've said no lol) but it was cool right?
Sex was good as it was before and the next morning she was all over me. And so it went on. For 6 weeks she was instigating things in the main until the point where i was up and down to her every week and i reciprocated fully when she told me she loved me.

The following week i went up for a wedding and guess what? The vacant staring started again. Once she knew she had me again that was it, she was back pedalling. So began the push pull sh*te that happened before. I finished it twice and brutally assassinated her character(which she seemed to relish at times) trying to get out of it then felt guilty and she sensed it and sucked me back in again. I artificially recreated the initial glow but it was only temporary.
She starts telling me personal things. My Mum was a cold fish. My Dad covered up the fact that my uncle raped my sister and i can't remember if he fiddled with me but i was uncomfortable. Red flag city. She admitted to having family therapy and some group therapy. More red flags.
She told me she was going to join a choir ..... fair enough i said, you have a great voice! She says i have researched joining a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, transexual choir. Why, i said (after i managed to move my mouth) Well she said, they seem like interesting people. Red flag!

Rose also introduced me to her daughter. 10 years old and a lovely kid. We hit it off and that seemed like another piece of the jigsaw had fitted into place.
Her brother confirmed that this was unknown before. I was honoured.

I have read some of the horror stories on here and this was far more subtle than some of those but i think that can be far more damaging as you don't see things coming.

....... one more

 

[captainkirkz]

PD? Read, decide and give me your pearls of wisdom please! (Part 5)

The 2nd time i finished with Rose i told her about the plate spinning before we met back up again. Partly to p*ss her off and partly to prove that i didn't need to travel 500 mile round trip every week to get laid.
She was hacked off but hoovered me back in after a couple of weeks anyway. I honestly blew the 3 of them out for the time i was with Rose. I can DJ or if someone is worth it i can be faithful.

Everything this time round was even more perfect (or so it seemed). I got on well with her parents, her brothers, her sisters, her daughter. Just to mention at this point that our break ups happened in 6 weeks cycles or so. I think it was because i had the knowledge of how she was previously and my gut instinct told me to run. Once you are in it's hard to get out though isn't it?
Just at the moment it seemed to be at it's best i felt her drifting away again. I pondered finishing it on my way to see her that weekend as she had said her daughter was acting up because she didn't want me to go there that weekend (a projected lie as i found out)
I arrived at her house and she was fairly frosty. She had been ill in the week preceding and i suggested that i slept on the couch to give her a good nights sleep(didn't want to but hey, i'm a gentleman)
So, i slept on the couch. Even at this point i was still thinking 'Is it me?' 'Am i not being understanding enough?' The morning came and she was still frosty. I asked her if i was in the way and she fixed me with a stare and said 'Well, i just found something in your bag, some little blue pills' I said yeah so waht, you are wearing me out and i need a boost sometimes. Every weekend is like a honeymoon and it's for you anyway.
There was no getting through to her at all. No logic, no argument would sway her. She told me to get out of her house and give her the key back. She never wanted to see me again. I walked as it seemed really freaky to me. I was sort of strangely relieved as i walked away again though even though i was hurt.
Still i wondered if it was me. To cut a very long story short. I accused her of having a disorder so she changed her number and cut me off. I thought ok, no contact fvck you. 3 days later she's back in touch calling a truce. I said that there wasn't a war and no truce was necessary.
She then proceeded to delete me from Facebook and also her daughter (who had added me bless her). I sent her daughter a message saying goodbye via my daughters account and the ... Blam ... Rose is accusing me of being weird and creepy with her daughter, threatening to call the police etc etc. Scared the sh*t out of me. I din't have a clue who this paranoid chick was at all and i thought i knew her after 14 years.

There are other things in btween all this but i could go on and on. I have even been fairly kind to her in this thread and missed out a whole lot more.
I don't know if this is so much a post that i am expecting a response to or just a personal journal that i can look back on. Most of all just let it be a warning that YOU could fall into this trap regardless of who you are or what your relationship tendencies are.
My head is still saying RUN RUN RUN but my heart is still making excuses for her. I managed to get out early but that is only after a few months and that has traumatised me. I pity any poor dude that has gone through years of this sh*t.

Bottom line PD or not ....... You get Red Flags and RUN. It doesn't matter that she seems like the perfect woman in the beginning or at any other time, she will dig down deep into your soul and consume it. Then she will vomit it out in a big jumbled mess. RUN like fvck!

Thanks for reading this diatribe ... i'm exhausted!

All the best .... Kirk ... out!

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

True story my friend. You see red flags and it will surely end in disaster at one point. Continue to no contact her. She is bringing you down.

 

[captainkirkz]

lol you read all that!

cheers .... i'm astonished you actually read all of that!

 

[st_99]

Wow, what a story. Thanks for sharing. I think my biggest take from
that is well... life is like a box of chocolates. Ha.

But tell me what it is about this girl that has you so wrapped around her finger??

 

[omniswami]

Hi Kirk,

Welcome to the wonderful world of BPD. She sounds like a she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think you can gather something is wrong. It really doesn't matter what her problem is, you just need to know you were treated pretty unfairly and that's enough to pull the plug.

I can empathize with you... I too have been spinned-around by a less-than-sane woman of wonder. I'm two years out of that mess and still have conflicting feelings about it all. They're like worms that eat you from the core on out...

The best realization that I had was that I was addicted to her. They are like a drug for some reason. I don't know how they do it exactly, but we play a big role in our own demise with them. You may want to check out the forums at BPD Family too. You may find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone in your experience.

What has helped me most is that I have remained, and forever will remain, NC with my ex. Do not open the door to her again. Block every method of contact she could possibly use to get to you. Focus on yourself and your kids and life will find you again.

PS - Very sorry about the loss of your other girlfriend.

 

[Divinely Exiled]

Didn't read it all, but here ya go

Acting, throwing eratic emotions at you, seriously. One minute shes happy, next she wants you dead? This affects YOU because you are going into an emotional rollercoaster, she is controlling you through your own emotions. We are emotional creatures, and unlike other women who challenge your dominance (sp?), these people attack straight to your core, your emotions, yourself worth.

The kill is to befriend you, make you think you are a God, make you think you are somebody very very important, then slowly, the compliments turn into subtle negs disgused as compliments. Because well, you'll have gotten very very boring by now so meh, shes just having her "fun", and I mean, who doesn't love a big **** storm?

BTW: block her, srsly. she WILL **** your life up if you continue to talk to her. I can already see what shes gonna do, firstly shes gonna slowly befriend your friends that you dont have much contanct with, sympathy sympathy sympathy, prob try to **** them, then continue that pattern, your gonna find out, go ballistic, if she can she will do as much damage control to you with the law, then shes gonna keep screwing with your head with your own emotions till you fall mentally unwell (depression, PTSD etc). Get a restraining order.

FYI I have HPD traits, not sevre but my Autisim sorta kills it down till the point i can't really function, but yet again, i'm not really sure... might actually make a note to ask someone.

 

[captainkirkz]

Wow, what a story. Thanks for sharing. I think my biggest take from
that is well... life is like a box of chocolates. Ha.

But tell me what it is about this girl that has you so wrapped around her finger??

Haha st, if i knew the answer to that question this thread would melt down with you guys looking at the answer.

If i was a TV then this girl holds the remote. She knows all the buttons to change my channels instinctively. Don't forget we have been there before a long time ago and even after that we have been friends by phone/text for another 13 years. We have had countless conversations usually when she had a crisis but she is high functioning and is only triggered by emotional attachment. This makes a woman of this type very dangerous and far more stealthy than an out and out crazy.

After much research i think it's all about our ego isn't it? This type of woman in general has the biggest but most fragile ego and they feed theirs by demolishing yours. They will take great delight in building you up to knock you down, spectacularly. It's no defence of them but i don't think they conciously know what they are doing most of the time. Some of their behaviour has to be planned and premeditated but most of their actions are deep rooted and subconcious.

We all want to be a hero don't we and save them. It's not gonna happen. I know i have to look after myself now and that there is absolutely no future for us but still that stupid stupid thought pops into my head that maybe i can help her. Even if i did though it takes years to get them to a point of stability and by that time i would be dead lol. Besides i have options and some lovely people around me. Onwards and upwards!

 

[captainkirkz]

I did take an educated guess!

Hi Kirk,

Welcome to the wonderful world of BPD. She sounds like a she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think you can gather something is wrong. It really doesn't matter what her problem is, you just need to know you were treated pretty unfairly and that's enough to pull the plug.

I can empathize with you... I too have been spinned-around by a less-than-sane woman of wonder. I'm two years out of that mess and still have conflicting feelings about it all. They're like worms that eat you from the core on out...

The best realization that I had was that I was addicted to her. They are like a drug for some reason. I don't know how they do it exactly, but we play a big role in our own demise with them. You may want to check out the forums at BPD Family too. You may find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone in your experience.

What has helped me most is that I have remained, and forever will remain, NC with my ex. Do not open the door to her again. Block every method of contact she could possibly use to get to you. Focus on yourself and your kids and life will find you again.

PS - Very sorry about the loss of your other girlfriend.

Thank you omnis for the condolences, it was a big loss. Thank you also for the great advice!

Like you and many others, i have read so much about BPD already. I didn't want to cloud the replies to this thread with my amateur diagnosis though.

I had trawled the internet well before we split up on numerous occasions every time she did something odd, just trying to make sense of her. Like i said in the original post, my own survival instinct Red Flagged her and i did take heed. I had the previous with her and was somewhat forearmed and yes maybe i shouldn't have gone back there but she worked me over for 13 years without another hint of the madness. Anyway, that feeling mentioned so often by others, the ache in the pit of your stomach, the ruminating, the research told me i had to get out. I think that gut feeling is our best defence against anyone that's not right for us nevermind a crazy. Take heed. I managed to get hoovered back in a couple of times after deciding to end it but now it's finished on what she sees as her terms.

I told the whole story(as above) to a lifelong friend of mine who has been a psychiatric nurse for 25 years. I just had all these loose threads, her history that she had told me about and her odd goings on at this point. I had heard of BPD but didn't really know what it was and didn't manage to tie Rose down to it.

I got to the end of the story and she fixed me with a stare and said .... 'Change your phone number and only give it to the people that you want to have it and never contact her again!' I said wow why and she said 'That girl is BPD stay away' She also said that the next step would be for BPD Rose to accuse me of fiddling with her daughter. I said no way would she do that and it all seemed very outlandish to me.

I started my search as soon as i got home and it was like lights coming on all over the place. She fitted so many of the criteria. Like i said she is high functioning and much more subtle than an out and out crazy. These are the most dangerous i should think as it was only as we got emotionally closer that the behaviour manifested itself. However, it all slotted into place.

I know i should have stayed NC there and then but i couldn't help but let her know that i had her sussed. I think i hit nails on the head all round and Rose got ultra defensive and within a day of me telling her that she had BPD, she changed her phone number(cellphone only). I thought ok i will go NC totally and at least i have let her know she's ill. After 3 days NC she contacted me with some BS about a truce and proceeded to do exactly as my psychiatric nurse friend had said she would and tried to smear me with the weird and creepy tag with her daughter. All i did was send her a last Facebook message to say goodbye as her daughter was a good kid and BANG .... the same massive over reaction that i got to my little blue pills when she found them. Things that are not even an issue to the likes of you, me and anyone emotionally stable suddenly become a major chaotic drama in the eyes of this paranoid freak that you don't recognise.

I should have taken my friends advice in the first place and that was the part that really damaged me, the inference that i, who had got on so famously with her daughter as with all her family could be thought of as weird and creepy. A dagger to the heart. It did have the effect of really driving it home that she was very ill though and was the final nail (as if i hadn't had enough warning already) in the coffin of our supposed relationship.

As it stands i am in the black completely at the moment. She denied totally that there could be anything wrong with her thought processes(as they do) even though she told me that she had family and group therapy before so she must know that there is something wrong. They don't like being confronted with it though. Loss of control kills them.

She is NC with me right now as i am with her. She has hoovered me before, for 13 years i was subtly sucked back in for Christs sake, but I haven't heard anything from her for a month and maybe this time she won't hoover me back in as she knows that i have rumbled her. The fear of exposure may keep her away hopefully. Fingers crossed!!!

 

[omniswami]

Hey Kirk,

Be sure you are ready for her next attempt, it will come... I heard nothing from mine for 6 months then BAM! That was 1.5 years ago, but I still anticipate the time will come again when she is triggered and reaches out again.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... If you let these people in, you're screwed.

At least you know what you've been dealing with and can move forward now knowing she is ill.

Best of luck to you friend.

 

[captainkirkz]

cheers

Hey Kirk,

Be sure you are ready for her next attempt, it will come... I heard nothing from mine for 6 months then BAM! That was 1.5 years ago, but I still anticipate the time will come again when she is triggered and reaches out again.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... If you let these people in, you're screwed.

At least you know what you've been dealing with and can move forward now knowing she is ill.

Best of luck to you friend.

Thanks again omnis. Yea, i'm moving on but i have to pump my balls up just in case she does try again. One moment of weakness and it's all back to square one!!!

 

[captainkirkz]

Didn't read it all, but here ya go

The kill is to befriend you, make you think you are a God, make you think you are somebody very very important, then slowly, the compliments turn into subtle negs disgused as compliments. Because well, you'll have gotten very very boring by now so meh, shes just having her "fun", and I mean, who doesn't love a big **** storm?

Yep exactly as it happened Exiled. And this with a girl i THOUGHT i knew for a long, long time! You learn something new every day!