For those of you who haven’t read it already on wvpimp00’s thread on the ‘pregnancy question’, here is my fictional, cough, cough, scenario of the dreaded “I’m pregnant” phone call!
The scariest feeling for an 18 year old man is when the dreaded "I'm pregnant" phone call comes in the middle of the night and you hear whimpering cries on the other end of the line!!!
Your heart will sink and you will get a big lump in your throat and become speechless, sweat will start rolling down your back and you will sense oncoming stomach cramps - you will begin to quiver and uncontrollably shake.
The shaking starts from your knees and your legs will be unable to support the weight of your body, so you'll look for a chair, but there will be none to be found, so in defeat you will just drop the total weight of your body onto the floor! You start hitting your forehead and pulling your hair, as if this will help alleviate the thump and heaviness that you feel in your racing heart!
You'll start whispering profanities and start murmuring to yourself "how could this have happened". Then you look down at your little penis and blame him to be the culprit – “such a little thing was given so much power”, you ponder!! But you soon realize that your little fellow was not the problem, rather it was your mind and your wrongful thinking for caving into your lusts for a hor!
Then you start praying that the test results were wrong or this is just a hoax, that this girl is lying because she wants to trap you into a commitment...but her consistent pleas and cries for your understanding convinces you that she is not lying. Then you start becoming delusional and babbling incoherent utterances! You start obsessively lying to her, "I'll take care of the baby honey, I won't leave you - don't worry I'm here for you", all the while you are packing your suitcase and thinking of the fastest escape route out of the city.
After you make these false assurances to her you hang up and call your best buddy for words of comfort and guidance. You give him the news, he says in his most eloquent speech, "Damn, that’s fawked up!" and nothing else is said. Instead of his words comforting you, he only deepens your sense of panic and finally you come to grips with the severity and desperateness of your situation.
You use him as a sounding board and relate to him your current wretched condition, “Damn, I’m 18, in school, no job, I only had one woman and she got pregnant the first time we did it, in nine months I’ll be buying diapers at the Quiki Mart instead of beer, I’ll have to work two jobs to make ends meet, I will have no free time, my educational and career goals are on an indefinite delay, and my future love life looks bleak! What are my parents going to say, when they find out of my irresponsible conduct??? Your buddy in his profound verbosity responds back, “Yikes!!!” You hang up the phone wondering why this guy is your best friend.
You gather yourself off of the floor and you are ridiculously dizzy as a result of the swirling mess that you got yourself into. Then you try to swallow but you find that there is no saliva in your mouth and you make a loud gulping sound, “GULP!!!” Your mouth is dryer than dirt, and your head is pounding. You run to the mirror to see your physically deteriorating self, you don’t like what has become of you in the last 17 minutes! You grab your face with both of your palms and you break down and cry like a biatch and hit the floor once again!!
12 minutes of sobbing makes you feel a little bit better but it is no cure….”I have to be a man”, you say, in a high pitch nasally kid’s voice! Your 110 pound body frame, your undeveloped state of mind and your less than masculine voice reminds you that you are just a pathetic dependent child whose penis has wreaked havoc upon your early manhood – you once again start crying uncontrollably and fall to the floor like a weak feeble lamb that was just born, whose legs are too undeveloped to sustain the weight of his mass.
Suddenly the phone rings, and you wipe your tears away so that your vision is no longer blurred, only then will you be able to see where the phone lays. As you pick up the receiver you try to answer with a confident strong upbeat tone in your voice that belies your miserable and deteriorating mental state. You make a feeble attempt, “Hello”. Your girl is on the other end of the receiver and senses you are not the same man that you were 29 minutes ago, and she asks if you are “ok”. You try to respond but the lack of spit in your mouth and all that crying dehydrated you to the point of making you into a mute! You grab some water and drink it too fast to the point of choking and almost drowning yourself in water and in your own misery!
You run back to the phone and with mock confidence answer to her, “What’s going on?” She is blunt and to the point, “I’m not pregnant – I just had my period”. You are speechless once again, but this time you are not dumbfounded by misery but by joy and you try to act as if what has transpired in the last 29 minutes didn’t profoundly and negatively affect you, “Great, I wasn’t worried, I was ready to do what I had to do to take care of what I brought into this world”. You feel like a liar and a low life because you see out of the corner of your eye your luggage strewn on the floor bulging at the seams from your hurried plan to escape. Beside the luggage you had a map of the city with the fastest route out of town outlined in red!
You make another weak attempt to put a positive spin on what could have been a disastrous situation that would have had dire consequences on your future plans! You couldn’t think of anything original to say so you borrow from Shakespeare and firmly state, “All is well that ends well!” And then in a '****y and funny' Don Juan tone you blurt out, “You are on your period, so does that mean we are not having sex tonight?”
Wvpimp00, the moral to the story is - we never learn our lesson until our lesson is taught! To answer your question, the only sure way of not getting a woman pregnant is to abstain from sex!!! Duh!!
(nervous laughter ensues).