painful oneitis

[Aussiedude]

Hi everyone

need some advice. Met a girl at work. (i know I shoudln't get involved at work but am trying to leave this company ASAP anyway).

Started out as friends - we really start to click over some months. I was not that interetsed to start with but we got really close.

She shows all signs of extremely high interest - kino, wanting to spend time with me etc etc. Then just as I am about to escalate the relationship - bam - she says she is having relationship problems! Yikes! 5 months of knowing her and no clue she had a boyfriend. Weird. She says she is thinking of ending their relationship of nearly 2 years. Yikes again. I know it's because at least partly of her friendship with me.

I feel bad. Had i know of boyfriend I wouldn't have become such close friends. It leads to this sort of mess! Anyway I back off thinking she will get back with him and I am done.

But no. she dumps the boyfriend. Then asks me out! Same week. I cant make it. she ask me out again! I say yes - have an amazing fun time together. Am I insane or is this really high interest? We really are matched incredibly well.

So we get to work next day - she is in tears - over ex-bf! Yikes again. Talk about confusing! So I basically ignore her. She doesn;t like it but hey - give me a break!

She tells friend that she is hurting but doesn't think she wants to get back with ex-bf. It has only been a week.

I realise she took a big step and it hasn't been long. But hey - I didn't ask her to break up with bf!

She has to decide I guess and I will just leave her alone to work it out.

I know for many girls the transition from one relationship to the next is never smooth - I feel like NEXT. But she has already done a lot toward starting something with me. Do you think it is a wait and see thing?

Yes i REALLY like her - but am smart enough to know I could be yesterdays news and bf is back on again. Any thoughts?

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

i did not read past the point where you said i met a girl at work but the easiest was to get over a oneitis is to find some one else.

 

[Desdinova]

She's on the rebound, and you were the victim. Developing feelings for a woman who is rebounding is only going to get you hurt emotionally. Best to cut her out of your life, and now you have to deal with seeing her at work.

 

[Wiesman44]

Seems like you don't get many dates. When I developed one-itis a lot, it was b/c i was afc and didnt get many dates. So when I liked a girl, it consumed me. Get yourself more women, get out more, and the one-itis will dissappear.

 

[DJDamage]

Aussiedude I had a very similer experience with a girl at work. She was very friendly kino and flirticious, and after 6 months she tells me she has a boyfriend for 8 months. She never mentioned him because according to her " she does not like to discuss her personal life". I now know that she thrives on attension from guys not just me, therefore she won't mention guys she is seeing to them. You could be one of many, you just don't know the other guys she keeps for her amusement.

Desdinova is right by saying you are the rebound and the fact she is upset over her ex shows that she still wants him back. You can possibly get a few makeout sessions or a few lays but the clock is ticking before she dumps you and jumps onto another guy.

If a woman knows she can get attension from a men without having sex with him, she will flirt with you and give you all the right signals, but its a mere ego boast for her. A woman will have sex with a guy who has a backbone and that has no problems dumping her if he is unsatisfied with her behaviour.

Since you are working with her and you already developed feelings for her (which is not good) I suggest you distance yourself from her and be a good co-worker don't be an a$$hole about it because you don't want her to speak behind your back.

Read the DJ bible and try picking up girls outside of work.

 

[Player_Supreme]

You already spelled it out in your post. You know all the answers allready!

 

[jiro77]

I've been in this exact situation before....You have to be careful. You need to give her space, let her get over her exboyfriend, and figure things out. You can hang out and do things with her, but do not try to force anything with her. Keep things fun between each other and when she is having 2nd thoughts about you, or having a bad day just disappear. Do your own thing and let her come to you. Keep her on her toes and never tell her how you really feel. Good luck, this type of thing isn't easy. You have to be able to drop her and not care. Hope for the best, and expect the worse...

 

[DeathDealer]

forget her.

 

[christz]

Originally posted by jiro77
I've been in this exact situation before....You have to be careful. You need to give her space, let her get over her exboyfriend, and figure things out. You can hang out and do things with her, but do not try to force anything with her. Keep things fun between each other and when she is having 2nd thoughts about you, or having a bad day just disappear. Do your own thing and let her come to you. Keep her on her toes and never tell her how you really feel. Good luck, this type of thing isn't easy. You have to be able to drop her and not care. Hope for the best, and expect the worse...

in other words ganji games, and yes this can work, situations where there is an e/x espeiclly an e/x of 2 yrs or more?!

yeah if she starts up games just ignore her for a while, let her sort things out. but periodiclly pop up for a few days talk to her, shoot the ****. If she wants to hang out do so .. otherwise after those days are up vanish again..

like jiro said its not easy to play these games because they play a toll on your mental. And you start to break when she starts breaking. but your resolve has to be absolute if you really like her.. this situation calls for these type of things.

 

[Aussiedude]

thanks everyone

Hey wow - thanks for all the replies ! Very helpful -

Originally posted by Desdinova
She's on the rebound, and you were the victim. Developing feelings for a woman who is rebounding is only going to get you hurt emotionally.

This is true I guess. I don;t like to use the idea of victim to much but in this case I suppose I was. I really had NO idea she had a boyfriend and would have NOT spent much time with her if Ihad known. She really should have made that known.

Originally posted by DJDamage


Desdinova is right by saying you are the rebound and the fact she is upset over her ex shows that she still wants him back.

Agreed. Can't avoid the cold hard truth about this one. She clearly is still in love with the ex. Oh well.

Originally posted by Player_Supreme
You already spelled it out in your post. You know all the answers allready!

You are right Player_Supreme - the weird thing is for me is that I do meet a lot of women - but just dont develop feelings for many of them- hardly any actually. Going out meeting women doesn't seem to cure my oneitis. I am still thinking about my oneitis when I am with them! haha

What else can I do to get over the oneitis if meeting others doesnt help?

 

[Adrian]

. You are right Player_Supreme - the weird thing is for me is that I do meet a lot of women - but just dont develop feelings for many of them- hardly any actually. Going out meeting women doesn't seem to cure my oneitis. I am still thinking about my oneit

It's gonna hurt buddy. LISTEN TO ME. I've been in your shoes before and I NEVER want to expirience that again. You contracted a serious case of oneitis. She's not going to leave your mind until you find another girl thats almost like her or better. It's going to take a LONG time for you to get over her. Just keep away from her and move on with yourself. When she does something wrong and it hurts you that pain is going to stay with you for a LONG time. ALWAYS stay busy and do something that would take your mind off from her. Go on improving yourself as a person. Do anything. Even take a vacation. Go somewhere FAR FAR AWAY. You're gonna need it man. Otherwise after she cuts you out of her life then you're going to be nothing more than a depressed and bitter soul for some time to come. Hopefully I didn't waste my time writing this and you follow what I told you to do. You're in a downward spiral of madness and you're just going to follow what your feelings tell you to do which in turn is going to get you hurt. Anyways..... Do what you have to do.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

This girl is a monkey grabbing a branch before she relieves the grasp of her prior branch!

 

[AMF]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
This girl is a monkey grabbing a branch before she relieves the grasp of her prior branch!

All monkeys do this, cause its the safest way.

Are we ALL not monkeys, gentlemen??

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Originally posted by AMF
All monkeys do this, cause its the safest way.

Are we ALL not monkeys, gentlemen??

NO, we are not!! A man doesn't cling to things that are not worthy of his attention - desperate lonely people cling to things that are his downfall! Men are not scared to pursue other women without facing the consequence of being alone!! Women do not like to be alone!!! Men are more tolerable to a lonely existence especially when pursuing other worthy goals!

 

[christz]

Re: thanks everyone

Originally posted by Aussiedude

You are right Player_Supreme - the weird thing is for me is that I do meet a lot of women - but just dont develop feelings for many of them- hardly any actually. Going out meeting women doesn't seem to cure my oneitis. I am still thinking about my oneitis when I am with them! haha

What else can I do to get over the oneitis if meeting others doesnt help?

i'm sorta the same way i meet girls, but its hard to make a connection with them. It takes time, I'd love it if it was just an instant connection.

or if it wasn't instant than a connection that i could feel coming if i spent more time with them. but its just not the case.

 

[Aussiedude]

Originally posted by Adrian


It's gonna hurt buddy. LISTEN TO ME. I've been in your shoes before and I NEVER want to expirience that again. You contracted a serious case of oneitis. She's not going to leave your mind until you find another girl thats almost like her or better.

Thanks for the reply Adrian. Some good advice. Yeah I guess I need to go out and find someone else that I like who likes me back! I tried to be careful this time with reading interest level signals etc but they don't always tell the full story.

 

[Aussiedude]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
This girl is a monkey grabbing a branch before she relieves the grasp of her prior branch!

I spoke to someone recently who knows a lot about dating successfully and he said something like
" some women don't like being alone and are never single. They are either happy in their relationship or looking to get out. But they make sure there is someone else to go to before they leave their current situation. Nothing wrong with it unless they are jumping very regularly. So you have a choice if you want to go out with someone like that - you have to put up with the way it is - or you miss out. She will find someone else. There is always a chance she will go back to previous boyfriend but that is a chance you have to take. If you don't stay in the game with her she will find someone else for her next relationship"

I think this situation probably applies here. But I am not sure

 

[christz]

Originally posted by Aussiedude
I spoke to someone recently who knows a lot about dating successfully and he said something like
" some women don't like being alone and are never single. They are either happy in their relationship or looking to get out. But they make sure there is someone else to go to before they leave their current situation. Nothing wrong with it unless they are jumping very regularly. So you have a choice if you want to go out with someone like that - you have to put up with the way it is - or you miss out. She will find someone else. There is always a chance she will go back to previous boyfriend but that is a chance you have to take. If you don't stay in the game with her she will find someone else for her next relationship"

I think this situation probably applies here. But I am not sure

could all be very true, and i know females, friends of mine who are like that. Some girls have never known being single and others don't want a b/f because they're scared of the pain it could cause if the relationship went bad.

so they skip through the whole relationship phase and go right into the breakup lol

but the only way to get this girl to come to you is ganji her, let her know without telling her that you do have a life, and other prospects call her once in a blue, maybe every few days just to shoot the shyt.. tell her you met some females and are having fun. Ask how she's doing etc.

these "ganji" games will work, but its a long term project.. like months so go find other females and put this one on the backburner just to come back to, to let her know your still in this game. Because most people that fail at playing ganji games start to develop oneitis so when the female starts to break and wants to spend some time with them.

all the sudden there calling every day, wanting to hang out, make out, fu*k etc.. then the girl runs away screaming and they wonder WTF just happend.

 

[Aussiedude]

christz

agreed. I have no choice anyway in this situation.. She needs space and I am going to give it to her. Nothing I can do. If she goes back to her ex so be it. If she wants to proceed with me - then she needs to do some sorting out with me and that is up to her. So some sort of "ganji" will have to take place now.

One good thing about this situation is that I never really disclosed my feelings to her or went all AFC and bought her things or anything like that. I have played it pretty cool and it has left me with an escape route if things don't work out by not having told her what I really think. I had to play it very carefully as is a work colleague and we can co-exist at work ok if things don't work out.

 

[christz]

Originally posted by Aussiedude
christz

agreed. I have no choice anyway in this situation.. She needs space and I am going to give it to her. Nothing I can do. If she goes back to her ex so be it. If she wants to proceed with me - then she needs to do some sorting out with me and that is up to her. So some sort of "ganji" will have to take place now.

One good thing about this situation is that I never really disclosed my feelings to her or went all AFC and bought her things or anything like that. I have played it pretty cool and it has left me with an escape route if things don't work out by not having told her what I really think. I had to play it very carefully as is a work colleague and we can co-exist at work ok if things don't work out.

now when you play ganji games you gotta make sure you play them. Don't give in even if she starts breaking let her come to you. Now pride can defenitly be an issue so like i said every once in a few. give her a call.. if she doesn't pick up leave a voicemail saying something to the affect of.

"hey its Aussiedude, just thought i'd give you a call see what's up, hit me back otherwise i'll get at you some other time"

and leave it at that, if she calls back then fine if not. ganji her more.. go longer with no talking. then try again if that doesn't work .. then its pretty clear you just did her and yourself a favor and take it as a loss.

the thing about ganji is know what you want, take what you get, and know when to stop playing.