Overcoming the damage

[tmpgstx]

I get the feeling alot of people on this board have been 'damaged' by at least one or more girls. Your self-esteem took a big hit, and only takes a couple before it is virtually nothing, and because of it, your insecurities are greater and putting the blame on yourself becomes commonplace.

I can speak from experience, have had three long term relationships with AWs, only to be cheated on in the end. Each relationship started out totally wrong (no dating, just right on into the relationship sexually).

It destroyed my self-esteem, and made me doubt myself. What i have learned from this?

1) The girls i had LTRs with were ALL very insecure with themselves. This was by all means the common denominator.

2) ALL had a some history of serious emotional problems stemming from abuse and neglect in some form or another.

3) ALL loved attention from guys and would often say it was just fun to flirt when confronted about it

Serious emotional issues = major insecurity = the need for attention (and sex to feel wanted if the insecurities are great enough).

Through some self introspection i've learn that i was attracted to these types of girls because of my own lack of self-esteem. I didn't think i could do better, and putting up with the drama was something i had already been well accustomed to.

Since, i have improved myself in all facets of my life by continuing to achieve my goals. The insecurities are still there. I am more cautious then ever not to get involved with an emotionally disturbed girl. Now that i know what to look for, it takes some time before getting to know someone and if they are really like this or not. I feel it is a necessary step as i am looking for an LTR.

Because i am highly logical thinker, i often found myself analyzing anything and everything and more often then not using my insecurities as the governing protocol to explain why things were happend the way they did.

Lately, i decided to just start ignoring these insecurities and just do what i need to in terms of achieving my goals. In other words, only focusing on the goal and what it will take to achieve it. If my goal with respect to women is an LTR with a great girl, then i know i have to step up to the plate and get to know her and not play games. It is true, her actions will tell you how she really feels about you.

 

[Create Reality]

You know what the problem is, and that's halfway there. The solution is to put your ideas into action. Maybe one day you'll find that one girl who you'd want to spend your days with.

 

[Agent47]

->>

Good post. I have almost the exact same experience as you have. I have had several LTR with girls who were/are mentally and emotionally wacked out exactly as you have suggested and it has run havoc with me and my emotions. All of them cheated on me, some multiple times. I went from being a confident guy to a sheepish, walking on eggshells insecure fool. I am in the middle of a huge fight with my girl currently and it looks to be pretty much over. 5 years down the drain. The worst part is I have spent the past 5 years doing nothing much for myself. I am always worrying about her and all that sort of crap. It makes it all that much harder when you have been living with someone for so long. I jumped in and started relationships with all of them right away just like you and I have found that yes, these types of girls are not healthy in the long run. Their baggage knows no bounds. Anyway, I am glad I found this forum, at least I feel a little better knowing I am not alone in this. Nothing worse than being trampled on by someone you love. Maybe I shouldn't start relationships with girls I picked up at clubs! DUH!!!

 

[tmpgstx]

Thanks Create, i am doing just that.

Agent, yeah, that is it in a nutshell. It always follows the same pattern, and never seems to fail in resulting to walking on egg shells and finding out they evenutally cheated on you.

You do fall in love with them because you want it to work and help them with their problems. It isn't much different from a girl in a relationship with a guy that is self-destructive in some form or another. She is looking to change him because she is in love with him.

These girls know too that by putting out for you, you will eventually attach. I lived with two of the three, and know what you're talking about. You have to watch what you say to the nth degree as not to offend them or have them take it in the wrong such as to result in a huge drama fest. Not a life i want anymore and never really did.

 

[Agent47]

Yeah I am right in the middle of it now. I moved to a differant state about 8 months ago and couldn't find work for like four months which of course took its toll on my relationship. When I moved I also had to sell my car for money so we share a car. To top things off, I got layed off from my job right before Christmas so suffice to say my life is a living hell right now. I have been looking for work since with no luck yet. Needless to say this whole situation makes me want to be someone else right now. So I am on the verge of being dumped, have no car, no job and no money. Isn't life grand? Ah screw it, what are ya gonna do right? My girl said she needed "some time to think" and went to these "gay guys" apartment for the night. At this point I don't really care if that is true or not. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say I am a walking shell of a man. I think I will jump on Xbox live and play some Ghost Recon. Better than worrying about BS you cannot control. I read that "be a man" article in the forum, that was excellent. It really hit home with me. It is everything I have NOT been doing in this relationship(at least for a few years now).

Well if all else fails I can always join the National Guard!

 

[tmpgstx]

Yeah, that does sound a bit discouraging Agent. If this girl needs 'time to think', that is usually a precursor to relationship termination. She's trying to do it slow though sounds like as to not hurt your feelings.

You must realize she is not the one you're going to marry or should be marrying though. She wouldn't even question and add to the stress right now if she truely and deep down wholeheartedly cared about you and planned on staying with you. She is using what's been going on as an excuse making you feel worse.

I have been financially struggling the last couple of months which is unusual for me, but have been making ends meet and am getting back on track. I had to go out and get a brand new 30k sports car a year and half ago - because always have to get the best. It does serve some dual purpose though as it makes me work harder in making more money to support my 'toys' and such. This year though, am going to do a full assault on my bills to create more cash flow etc.

Sometimes when you make more money (well often), you spend more and easier to create debt this way.

Love the Ghost Recon stuff - played on computer other series (Rainbow Six), but haven't got for X-box yet.