Outalphaed

[Life-Trainee]

I have great friends but all of them are better at what I'm trying to become. They 're much experienced than me with humor, girls, and in general terms what would be considered cool. So when we have girls over at our socials I get easily upstaged in all areas by my friends. By the time I get to socialize to the girls, everything funny has been said and done, or so it seems. And then there goes my bud pulling off a completely off the wall remark or joke. They attract all the attention, they're COOL, so it leaves me with nothing to add, silent. I sometimes feel like an outsider in our social circle even though I've known these guys since high school. I feel like i'm outside looking in. In effect I seem to be the most forgetable people in our social circle. I seem to be doing all the things that would make me appear social. I'm the first to say HI to the newcomers. I ask a little about themselves etc etc. But somehow I just fade away. I've got red alerts going in my head but I don't know what the heck i have to fix. I feel powerless, insignificant, uninteresting, or so I get the vibe from people I socialize with. And of course forget mystery... This is a really huge down -time for me.

 

[WaterTiger]

Actually...this is a good situation. Instead of feeling powerless, start taking notes! Watch what these guys do, what they say and how the girls react to them. Think of it like going to school.

Figure out how to incorporate this into your own personal style. You're the first to say "Hi" to newcomers? This is great! Stay in step with the rest of them, you'll learn to be just as cool if not cooler.

 

[MacDiddy]

Yes.. take note and what not. But when you go out field, ditch those friends coz unless your game is at their level, they will just use you as a prop in making them look good. Its not their fault. The girls will make an on the spot comparison and when given a choice, will always select the best.

 

[diplomatic_lies]

Never try to compete against those you have no chance against. Go a different direction instead.

See girls as the market. They are the buyers.

You are the seller.

Would you compete against Microsoft if you were a tiny tech firm in Arizona? No, you try to go for a niche product that Microsoft neglects.

When I'm in a room full of loud-mouthed "alpha males", I simply keep quiet, talk to a few women, and carve out my own niche.

I picked up a girl who didn't like loud-mouthed guys. She was this cute quiet chick who preferred my attitude.

Go fir it.

 

[Mr. Doe]

You have nothing to add and you feel that everything has been said because either you are empty, or you can't find anything interesting in you. The reason for your trouble lays inside, not outside.

How is your life except for those guys? Do you have an interesting job, do you do some interesting stuff without them? What were the most interesting things in that you saw or did in the last week?

Either you lack a life, or you have a wonderful life and you're just unable to talk about it. Find out which one is it and a solution will appear.

 

[Life-Trainee]

I'm empty because I'm socially oblivious. Some of these guys are extraordinary social observers/commentators. They can spark a conversation about anything and keep it going. They also like to travel, whether is Canada or Europe. I can't do that (yet). I'm trapped in my own narrow world. Also a lot of these guys are somewhat into the pop culture and the "guy" things. They like cars, rap music, sports none of which I particulary enjoy. I'm more of a metalhead and a techie kind of person. I'm into completely different (melodic) music and i'm very into computers. I feel that if I try to change myself, my interests, to fit in i'd be betraying my own identity. Yet, I don't particulary find it exciting to socialize with people of my similar interests. I'd like to be myself but have all the benefits of the social person if that makes any sence. Right now, i gave up on trying to find dates. I'm not at peace with myself.

 

[Kineti[C]harm]

Work on it, look at what they are doing. If you are the first to say Hi then you have a very good position to mark yourself. You gotta have some REALLY good projection and energy to be the one just sitting around and have people notice you without adressing them.

Make your mark from the first Hi... Oh and NEVER EVER let your mates tool you! If they do, TOOL THEM BACK HARDER!

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Life-Trainee
I'm empty because I'm socially oblivious. Some of these guys are extraordinary social observers/commentators. They can spark a conversation about anything and keep it going. They also like to travel, whether is Canada or Europe. I can't do that (yet). I'm trapped in my own narrow world. Also a lot of these guys are somewhat into the pop culture and the "guy" things. They like cars, rap music, sports none of which I particulary enjoy. I'm more of a metalhead and a techie kind of person. I'm into completely different (melodic) music and i'm very into computers. I feel that if I try to change myself, my interests, to fit in i'd be betraying my own identity. Yet, I don't particulary find it exciting to socialize with people of my similar interests. I'd like to be myself but have all the benefits of the social person if that makes any sence. Right now, i gave up on trying to find dates. I'm not at peace with myself.

I see two problems here:

1) You're self-conscious because what you're into and what you're passionate about doesn't necessarily jive with what's popular. This is NOT a bad thing...in fact, you could probably use it to your ADVANTAGE. I'm not saying chicks like to talk about computers and video games in general, but if you can just be comfortable with the fact that you're a little "nerdy" without bringing women into the particulars, then they'll appreciate that. You like a different kind of music, which gives you some flair. Bring some of that in-your-face, high-energy style with you instead of being all embarassed of it.

2) You don't seem to be very well-rounded. It's OK to be into computers and heavy metal, but that can't be the end-all be-all of your spectrum of skills and interests. Why can't you travel? Got a car? Take some road trips here and there. Go camping. Go to some ball-games. Work out. See some movies. Go to a museum. If no car, take the subway/bus/train/whatever. You don't need to go to a certain special place to have an experience. And also, learn to converse. You say you're the first person to greet them, but you just "ask them a few questions and then fade away." This is not conversation, it's socialization. It's mingling. You can't get intimate with someone over a game of verbal ping-pong. Grab the ball and run with it. Make her chase you for it.

 

[LowPlainsDrifter]

A striking parallel

Life-trainee

I have nearly the exact same problem, but it's only one friend.
It's very irritating, because women not only seem naturally friendlier toward him before he even opens his mouth (he's a bit handsomer than me, but shorter and a bit overweight), but once he gets going, he never shuts up - very good C&F, etc.

The crummy part is that he'll sometimes "turn on the charm" with an HB I'm interested in, that's he's not into at all, just out of spite, it seems. In other words, 'blocking.

The irony is, he's jobless, drives a piece of junk car, and still lives at home with the folks (we're 32).

I drive a real nice car, own an apt (since the age of 25) and have a successful business. But I don't have his knack.

I'm trying to become more well-rounded and interesting to be around through life experience, but it's difficult to do since I'm working very hard to build a business, maintain my apt and pay down some debt.

I agree about not even trying to compete - I can't even hope to compete with my friend socially. I get around this by waiting until he's talking to some young chickie and then going over to the one I'm interested in. (usually an older, more mature type). Or I simply go out by myself. Or I talk to someone who's obviously not impressed with his jive. (He trots out the same jokes again and again, and endlessly quotes from Seinfeld episodes).

If your ultimate goal is just meeting women, there are plenty of other venues with less social pressure - evening courses, volunteer work, book discussion groups.

Also, try going to a vacation resort known for catering to singles.
There's an inexpensive one near NYC called Rocking Horse Ranch that I highly recommend.
Women are much more relaxed, friendly and approachable in a resort atmosphere. (You'll be more relaxed, too) Take your successes there, and keep them close to your heart for when you're picking up the rest of the year.

Your username is very telling and positive. We're all life-trainees
here. Listen to the wise advice others have to say. Learn from your errors, as well as your successes. Keep your eyes wide open and your heart halfway shut.

 

[Seeph]

I know exactly how you feel trainee.. When I was a freshman in highschool i was very quit, but my friends brought me out of my shell somewhat.. I had to do the rest myself.

What you need to realize is that you dont have to be the center of the party to be cool. You can be the laid back guy of the bunch.. which you already are, but instead of seeing it as an insecurity see it as a strength. You say Hi first.. thats great. You need to take the stress off of yourself when your in the situation.. you DO NOT have to run the same type of game that your friends do. sounds to me that they are the loud C+F kind.. instead of trying to make jokes.. just think along the lines of being more of a smart4$$.. NOT to be confused with as$hole. Sit there in your niche talking to the girls around you and when you SEE an opportunity (dont try for it) pipe up and make your smartass remark that everyone will laugh at. Just remember you dont have to be the loud guy to get girls.. just stay confident in the fact that you are a more laid back quit person.. when you start respecting yourself for being this way then others will to.

& Read the bible.

 

[Ebach]

Life-Trainee, what you like to do are your hobbies. Not your identity. You're a human. That's your identity. You have desires, you have wants, you want to live just like everyone else. What you like and what you don't like is not an identity. That's why I don't identify myself by the desires or wants. I've seen a lot of guys identify themselves by what they do for the simple reason that they see themselves as inadequate in certain situations. The true fact is they fear experiences and they don't put themselves out to learn and observe new ways and new things. They think about their hobbies all the time (computers, music, whatever) all the time and forget what life is all about. Life is about experiences. The more you have the better off you are. True, some conservatives will hate you because they do the same thing over and over again (and you're headed in the same direction so you better do something about it) and you'll be on top of them. People hate people who know more than them (as you've already figured that out). Blah I can write a whole book about this topic but then again I might as well do something fun.

Remember, you're alive only once.. what you do is your choice (resources are important but I bet you can figure something out). A lot of the best DJs are poor people. The rich ones are usually spoiled and brainless. That doesn't mean all of them are (I don't like to generalize but in this case it's true and I'll tell you why in sec). People without money learn to appreciate things that rich people take for granted. If oyu have money you can do things but that doesn't mean you know how to live because once I take your money away you'll be stock at home depressed and suicidal. Those who grew up poor, learn the harsh truths of life and learn to take care of themselves and solve their own problems. Money is not a cure it all and a lot of the poor people know it. Look at the mexicans. The happiest people ever but the poorest at the same time. What gives? I tell you what. They know how to live.

A lot of the "cool wannabes" say get a life over and over again. You don't get a life unless you have money. But you CAN live even if you don't have money. Trust me, I know. I've been there, I've done that. A lot of the adults in the US do things that I've done when I was 10. Even though they speak of freedom in America it's not a free country. Some are in the know, others are not. Which one are you? Go out there and learn what's really up.

Did someone say something about paragraphs? I'm sorry... my rants don't fit well in paragraphs.

 

[Life-Trainee]

What some of you are describing is exactly what I do. I don't talk a whole lot but I do plug smartass remarks into the conversation. I've been doing that since ever. I do have a wicked sense of humor but I don't have a whole lot control over it. It pops up once in a blue moon. My friends do like me because of who I am. Socially awkward, oblivious, and out of touch. Basically some of them like to smile at my awkward social mechanics, that gets people a good laugh. I've been slowly recovering from this social jackazz image, but so far my improvement has been marginal. The problem is that my image doesn't add up. I'm a geek to some extent but I don't look like it at all. I dress nice or at least as well as the next guy if not better. I look after myself, i don't smell like some of the people i know, etc. Most of the time I'm to serious, dreamy and self centered to be in tune to what's going on outside my head. I can easily space out when thinking about a problem or decision. That doesn't help me talking with girls from my social group or any other. I'm a very good systematic thinker, like figuring out how little complex details work. But I'm lacking a whole lot of general empathy. I virtually can't flirt with girls no matter how many articles I read. When I do engage a successful flirt (very very rarely does that happen) I feel like i've discovered gold. I just want to communicate as effectively as rest of my friends.

 

[Ebach]

Try to focus and remember those positive social interactions and learn ways to put yourself into that state of mind more often. After a while it becomes natural and you'll be in that state of mind more often than not. Again, it comes down to figuring out exactly what's going on in your head and practicing.